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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell my mum about his texts?

143 replies

OrangeSlices998 · 21/07/2019 22:04

I just don’t know what to do. NC for this.

My dad text me this morning to see if I had received an essay for his Masters he asked me to proof read - absolutely fine.

Then, straight away I got a bunch of sexually explicit (very very sexual explicit!) messages from him that were not meant for me. I was disgusted, and shocked.

My parents have been married for 34 years, reasonably happy, my mum has been loyal and faithful and the best Mum to us all and I am just devastated he is texting some woman about wanting to do all sorts to her (VOM).

I told him I was upset and asked if they were for mum - said no, but that he couldn’t apologise enough for me seeing them, to do with them what I will, and that he never claimed to be a saint and won’t explain himself over text but face to face.

So, here’s my question - what ON EARTH do I do?! My mum is coming to visit next weekend, do I tell her? I have an older brother but he’d just lose his shit and have nothing helpful to offer. The fallout from this will be huge... Help?

OP posts:
TheTitOfTheIceberg · 22/07/2019 13:24

Petty, feel free to start your own thread with an abstract treatise about the philosophical nature of cheating Hmm Meanwhile, back on Planet Normal Reaction this is an OP finding out something about her father that could potentially damage family relationships for years.

Orange I hope your dad steps up and spares you the unpleasantness of having to make the decision of if and how to tell your mother (even though I don't think he will, sadly). I think he's hoping you might help keep his sordid little secret, probably banking on you not wanting to upset your mum. I really don't envy you being put in this awful position. I agree with PPs that in your situation, I would probably tell your DB.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

peachgreen · 22/07/2019 13:29

Oh what a horrible thing to find out and what an awful way for it to happen. So sorry, OP. You're definitely doing the right thing.

Original poster
OrangeSlices998 · 22/07/2019 13:38

I don't think telling my brother will help, he won't react calmly or take the time to think and my Mum deserves some time to decide what to do and who to tell first.

I just looked at the messages again, because I didn't read them properly yesterday (obviously) and in one, he tells this woman he LOVES her. This from the man who can barely say it to his own family.

Heartbroken.

Thank you so much for your congratulations, and your responses. I am touched, and feel heartened that I am doing the right thing.

OP posts:
lawnmowingsucks · 22/07/2019 14:28

How awful for you @OrangeSlices998. You have such happy news which you want to share and it's been tainted by how you know your mum will feel when she hears that your dad has been shagging someone else

I wish there was something I could say to help you.

Bluntness100 · 22/07/2019 14:43

This is very difficult. Very.

On one hand you think uou owe it to your mum to tell her. Your father seems happy to let you do that. He is clearly ok with ending the marriage if that's the case. Especially if he loves this woman.

Your mother pay prefer to turn a blind eye and stay in thr marriage. You'd be surprised how many women would prefer that that going solo and starting again. Espectially when they get older. They would rather "not know".

By you telling her, and you knowing, it's a harder situation, as she knows morally it should end. She may try to drive a pretend compromise where they may both tell you thr affair is over and continue as is.

It may be though he is simply too scared to tell her, and he will use this to force his hand, either he will tell her, or he will let you. I suspect if it comes to it, and if he thinks you're serious, he may tell her himself. He may think when it comes to it, you won't be able to tell her.

Either way, he's not up for justifying to you why he is doing what he is doing.

alittlebitdemented · 22/07/2019 15:07

@OrangeSlices998 Hello. Congratulations on your pregnancy. How very lovely. Don't stress too much over all this although easier said than done.

I saw my dad in a compromising situation once. It scarred me for life. I chose not to tell my mum. I just couldn't. I figured she knew something was afoot and chose not to say anything. That probably doesn't help you but thought I'd share. No regrets not saying anything, even after all this time.

Good Luck, whatever you chose to do. x

Original poster
OrangeSlices998 · 22/07/2019 15:24

Thanks @alittlebitdemented - do you mind me asking why you chose not to tell your Mum? Does your Dad know you saw? Has it changed your relationship with both/either?

OP posts:
alittlebitdemented · 22/07/2019 15:34

@OrangeSlices998 I think I felt I couldn't take responsibility for it all. Bit if a cop out really but I felt that my mum was already suspicious and the answer was there already. If she was choosing to ignore the signs, it wasn't my place to point them out.

I never told him what I'd seen but I did have an outburst a few months later and made a throwaway comment to him. Nothing came of it though. Probably changed my relationship with him. I worshipped him until that point.

Original poster
OrangeSlices998 · 22/07/2019 15:51

@alittlebitdemented I'm sorry, what a terrible situation.

I just feel so betrayed, by the man I thought he was and how unkindly he's treated my mum and our family, by extension. It's tainted.

OP posts:
alittlebitdemented · 22/07/2019 16:34

@OrangeSlices998 You will do what you feel is right. This is not your fault nor your mum's. Take care of yourself and your bump. X

SunshineCake · 22/07/2019 16:53

Orangeslices - many congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope all goes well. I think you are right not to tell your dad this weekend (is he coming?) you could tell your mum she can tell him if she wants but it's not a choice thing. It's genuinely up to her to decide.

Petty - I think you are in need of some heavy duty therapy if you think a person who is upset by adultery is abusive. Fucking hell, I've read some shit on here but you win the prize. Think about what you are saying and how it comes across.

Newschapter · 22/07/2019 17:05

My brother found text messages on my father's phone from another woman.

My father was driving and asked my brother to check his phone when a message beeped.

Little did he know it would be his bit on the side.

My brother tackled him and he denied denied denied......

But my brother told us and mum and needless to say it was the end of their marriage.

He has put you in a very awkward position and it's unfair on you.

Congratulations on your baby news Flowers

GreigLaidlawsbarofsoap · 22/07/2019 17:14

Oh my word how horrible for you OP, especially the stark contrast with your happy baby news!
I think you have done the right thing by telling him to tell your Mum.
Good luck for dealing with the fallout to come. I hope you don't get too stressed and stay calm for your growing baby.

Bluntness100 · 22/07/2019 17:57

I think one of the things to think about op, as hard as it is, how will your mother cope if he leaves her for this woman.

Will she shout good riddance and get on with her life, devastated but able to cope. Financially and emtionally,,,or will she crumble and prefer to stay together at all costs as she would struggle cope with life alone? We don't know your mother. You do.

You need to see past the anger and sense of betrayal and try to understand the repercussions for your mother of what you're doing.

Ultimately by forcing his hand there is a high chance he will leave her for this woman. The question only uou can answer is would she prefer this to not knowing?

And when she finds out it was you who forced his hand, and ultimately him to leave, will she blame you? If he tells her he wasn't going to do this, but you told him he either told her or you woulD?

None of us here know your parents, none of us know their emotional and financial strength as individuals. But right now, instead of thinking about the wrong, you need to think about the fall out. And that is likely to be him leaving your mother for this woman and your mother starting again alone.

Will she prefer that to living as is and turning a blind eye?

Original poster
OrangeSlices998 · 22/07/2019 18:02

He has told me he had no intention of telling her as he didn’t want to ruin my wedding (18 months away). His email to me has no apology and just blames me for the fallout to come. Arse.

OP posts:
Original poster
OrangeSlices998 · 22/07/2019 18:03

@Bluntness100 Thank you for your post it’s really made me think. Ultimately I value my relationship with my mum over my Dad and I refuse to lie for him and cover this up, it will alter my relationship with her forever.

OP posts:
PepsiLola · 22/07/2019 18:09

There's no way you can keep this from your mum, and if your dad is betraying everyone like this, he doesn't deserve to be at your wedding

MulticolourMophead · 22/07/2019 18:16

OP, you are not, and never will be, responsible for any fall-out. By cheating, your dad is the one who is responsible.

Haffdonga · 22/07/2019 18:19

What a terrible situation. Sad

I don't know what you should do but I wonder what would happen if you cut all contact with your dad and tell him he is never allowed to visit you contact you or have any contact with your future dc. Of course your dm would ask why and you would have to tell her that your dad has behaved in a way you can't forgive but that it's an issue between you and him.

Your dm might put two and two together herself or he might decide to tell her himself. Or they might both choose to continue living in denial/ a lie in which case at least you don't have to shoulder the blame for causing the break up.

LightDrizzle · 22/07/2019 18:24

I would tell her with a heavy heart. Nobody has the right to take informed choice away from her.

Annasgirl · 22/07/2019 18:28

Oh OP, I like you had a religious mum and my DM would have been told if this had happened. You are not responsible for the fallout - I disagree with Bluntness here, it is not up to you to consider the fallout, that was on your dad.
Also, as a married woman I would want to know if my DH was cheating so I cannot understand why people tell other people not to tell the married woman in these situations. Yes your mum will need you, none of us know what will happen to your parents as a couple, but whatever happened, there is only one disgusting person here, and that is your Dad.

I just cannot, for the life of me, imagine how you must feel (my DF was very old when we were born so the thought of him cheating would be alien - although he was a charmer and I'm sure he would have had his day).

lawnmowingsucks · 22/07/2019 18:50

I absolutely see @Bluntness100 pov. She makes excellent points. Only you know your mum, OP. If it were my mum I would tell her. But she would want to know.

daisyboocantoo · 22/07/2019 19:02

I'm so sorry @OrangeSlices998 that your dad has put the responsibility at your door. He's a coward. I believe it was a genuine mistake, as others have said, he could have left a less graphic trail to be discovered.

Could you forward the emails to your mum? Cc your dad in. And maybe say 'Mum, sadly I feel that I must share this with you as Dad clearly won't.'

Maybe call her to let her know that you are, with a heavy heart, sending her a sad email.

That way, he still has to answer to your mum and explain himself.

I would do this ASAP so that she has time to compose herself and digest before she comes to visit.

Ginger1982 · 22/07/2019 19:30

@PettyContractor how odd 🙄

Bluntness100 · 22/07/2019 22:15

Op you say you value your relationship with your mother over your father. Does this mean you feel she would want to know?

I would want my daughter to tell me. But not for the reasons posted on here. I simply wouldn't wish her to deal with the emotional burden of not telling me. For her sake, so I could help her, I'd want her to tell me.

However I have seen enough threads on here where women don't want to know. They do not wish to contemplate losing their family home. Their lifestyles, their financial security. They don't want to live alone. Every day and night for possibly the rest of their lives.

They don't want to face the huge life changes that come with knowing. They simply do not wish to know and would rather keep their home, their financial security, their lifestyle, to stay living as part of a couple.

Other women want to know. And for some reason feel every women should be like them.

I can assure you they are not. Some want to know. Some don't. Only you can say if your mother would wish to know. No one here knows her. What some random personally would wish is not relevant.

What your mother would wish is what's relevant. That's what I'm urging you to think about. What would your mum want.

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