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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell my mum about his texts?

143 replies

OrangeSlices998 · 21/07/2019 22:04

I just don’t know what to do. NC for this.

My dad text me this morning to see if I had received an essay for his Masters he asked me to proof read - absolutely fine.

Then, straight away I got a bunch of sexually explicit (very very sexual explicit!) messages from him that were not meant for me. I was disgusted, and shocked.

My parents have been married for 34 years, reasonably happy, my mum has been loyal and faithful and the best Mum to us all and I am just devastated he is texting some woman about wanting to do all sorts to her (VOM).

I told him I was upset and asked if they were for mum - said no, but that he couldn’t apologise enough for me seeing them, to do with them what I will, and that he never claimed to be a saint and won’t explain himself over text but face to face.

So, here’s my question - what ON EARTH do I do?! My mum is coming to visit next weekend, do I tell her? I have an older brother but he’d just lose his shit and have nothing helpful to offer. The fallout from this will be huge... Help?

OP posts:
hadthesnip2 · 21/07/2019 23:54

Do you know who they were meant for.....?? A family friend or someone he's mentioned before...?? Seems a bit grim him telling you to "do what you will" with it. You cant unread it can you.

Original poster
OrangeSlices998 · 22/07/2019 09:25

I have my suspicions, but I don't know for sure.

Thank you all so much for your kind replies, I know what I want to do, its just the fall out that will follow. Which isn't on me at all, and is on my Dad, the fucker. I slept so badly thinking about him and what he's done, and the position he's left me in.

OP posts:
Original poster
OrangeSlices998 · 22/07/2019 09:26

@tinyvulture I don't want to talk to him, the messages are disgustingly crass and I don't give a shit why he's possibly cheating/has cheated on my lovely Mum. Arsehole.

OP posts:
Goodnightjude1 · 22/07/2019 09:30

Sounds like he’d be quite happy with you telling her....so he doesn’t have to. I think you should tell your mum. As horrible as that conversation will be, she deserves better.

NCforthis2019 · 22/07/2019 09:39

I’m in a similar situation. There was a fall out but my mum now decides to just look the other way. It’s shit but not much I can do. She won’t leave him, and he won’t stop.

Pinktinker · 22/07/2019 10:12

Happened to my DH. Not a text but he saw his Mum out with his dad’s best friend one night and they were not acting as friends would iykwim. He’d heard rumours for a while (they lived in a small village) but batted them off till he saw it himself. He told his Dad straight away but his dad didn’t want to believe it. His Mum lied through her teeth as well, said DH was probably on drugs Hmm. Anyway his Dad did eventually find out for himself. Fractured DH’s relationship with his Mother forever. Messy, messy situation.

I would definitely tell her and show her the messages, including the one where he admits guilt. He could quite easily have pretended they were for your Mother surely. I think he wants you to tell her, coward.

Original poster
OrangeSlices998 · 22/07/2019 10:28

I've emailed him and told him he needs to tell her before she comes to stay with me or I will, and that it's cowardly if he doesn't tell her himself. Thank you all for helping me make a decision!

This will ruin our relationship. I was so excited to tell my Mum and Dad that I'm pregnant, that was my plan for this weekend. Now he's fucking ruined it.

OP posts:
justilou1 · 22/07/2019 10:37

I’m so sorry that you are in this position, OP! Especially when you should be in a happy little bubble of pregnancy joy. How dare he burst that for you! Congratulations on the baby news, I am very pleased you have something magical to tell your mother. It might just keep her going.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/07/2019 10:42

Really sorry you're in this situation. But I think you've done the right thing.

I very much doubt he sent them to you on purpose to get you to tell her for him. But he does sound like a complete arsehole.

If he hasn't done it by next weekend, you need to show her the messages. Really sorry.

PettyContractor · 22/07/2019 10:43

I have a really weird reaction to threads like these. My gut reaction is that people who moralise in response to infidelity are being nasty and abusive.

I don't think infidelity is necessarily wrong, it depends on all the facts, many of which will usually be unknown.

The way the automatic hatred is expressed makes me think the target is some sort of slave/servant/possession who has got outside his box, and needs to be put back in it by a mob. The slave isn't seen as a person with a right to seek their own happiness.

BendyLikeBeckham · 22/07/2019 10:49

@PettyContractor you sound like a cheater

It's the deceit and betrayal that is bad about infidelity. When your expectation is for your partner to be faithful and monogamous with you and they are not. If you are unhappy in a relationship, do the decent thing and end it before you start another FFS.

ShatnersWig · 22/07/2019 10:50

Petty Yep, that's weird.

MaudebeGonne · 22/07/2019 11:07

It is a horrible position for you to be in, and you need to prepare yourself for the fact that your Mum might not react in the way that you would hope. She may well decide that she would rather stay with your Dad. And that is her choice to make. She is a grown woman who is responsible for her own life.

All you can really do is decide how this impacts your relationship with your Dad. I suspect my Dad has affairs and has told many lies throughout his marriage. I still love him, because he is my Dad, but I don’t have a massive amount of respect for him. And sadly, it has damaged my relationship with my Mum because I am disappointed that she tolerated it. I have spent a lot of time on getting my head round the fact that they are just both flawed people, doing their best, and not the most amazing humans ever like I did when I was a kid.

OrchidInTheSun · 22/07/2019 11:29

Oh Orange - I'm so sorry. What a shit your dad is.

hammeringinmyhead · 22/07/2019 11:36

Well, @PettyContractor, perhaps this particular shithead could have ended his marriage before "seeking his own happiness".

EAIOU · 22/07/2019 11:48

Just read your update! Hope he comes clean before then. Congratulations on your pregnancy 😊

kateandme · 22/07/2019 11:50

i think this is so shit for you all.
i know there will be fallout.but that is his fault.never yours.and your mum doesnt deserve to be lied to by another person.your someone she loves and trusts.thats why you tell her.to prtoect her from evil that is being done to her.to protect her from a man who doesnt respect her.
its going to be hard.but in many ways she is being hurt now not knowing just by the very act being done to her.just by her husband treating her this way.your protecting her from taht.
like pp posters say this might not go the way youd expect.she might know.or if she doesnt many woman especially that later stage in marriage or age just have sudden fear of being alone that they stay.and its agony for them and might well make her miserable.but often they dont see a way to live without the way of life they have if that makes sense.
she will stil need you.she will need so much love and reasurance.
and id hate my dad.i would hate him so much.so i feel for you there.but dont you feel guit for feeling this way.its ohhhhh so warrented and i msorry he has hurt you too.and his reaction to you seeing the text was shitty too.im so sorry.big hugs for you all.
i might tell you brother too.let him go ape shit.its needed!but he can support you all.
try and make you dad tell him.so you can then be the support and she can come to you which is great and just what she will need.
also super new for your baby.so keep as calm and stress free as you can now.(yeh right)
you sound really strong and level headed and lovely if that makes it any better.xx

TomHagenMakesMyBosomTremble · 22/07/2019 11:57

Is there any chance your mum already knows? Is looking the other way for some reason? How happy is the marriage? It could explain the lack of "don't tell".

Otherwise... I normally say don't get involved with other peoples infidelities but this is your parents. Whichever way it falls you risk hurting or alienating one of them. Personally, I don't think I could keep that from my mum and I don't think I'd be forgiven for doing so if she ever found out I knew and said nothing. Good luck xxx

PettyContractor · 22/07/2019 12:38

It's the deceit and betrayal that is bad about infidelity.

Deceit: So if your partner shagged someone else, as long as they told you about it at the time, perhaps prior to the first shag, they wouldn't be guilty of deceit?

The word "cheating" to me implies dishonesty, presumably someone who shags someone else and doesn't hide it (even by omitting to mention it) isn't a cheat.

Betrayal: what exactly does this mean? That they've broken marriage vows, or legitimate expectations of a spouse? Whether it's the formal marriage vows or more general expectations of marriage that make up what we think of as a the marriage contract, there's a lot more to marriage than an expectation our partners won't shag anyone else, yet somehow it's only that that is labelled as betrayal. A pertinent example, if the non-"cheating" spouse refuses to have sex, isn't that as big a betrayal? In fact bigger, because it directly affects the partner, whereas shagging someone else is in a very literal sense not something that's being done to the spouse of the unfaithful shagger.

A marriage isn't just about who you are allowed to shag, there are huge implications in relation to finances and children associated with leaving. So the idea that people can always just leave if there's no love between them and their spouse is trite bullshit.

Original poster
OrangeSlices998 · 22/07/2019 12:57

@Petty I appreciate you sharing your viewpoint. However, knowing my very religious Mum, this is not something she would condone or want in her relationship. Him talking about fucking another woman and treating her like a whore is not okay - I don't really care whether that makes me look abusive or whatever.

Your argument that the spouse who doesn't want sex is a bigger betrayal is baffling. Sex isn't a given or an entitlement in a relationship! It waxes and wanes. They've been together 37 years, I imagine it peaks and troughs. That doesn't mean it's okay for my Dad to go out and fuck another woman because he wants sex and perhaps my mum doesn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
OrangeSlices998 · 22/07/2019 12:58

Thank you all for your lovely, supportive messages. My DP and I are so excited to tell both sets of parents this weekend, I have half a mind to just not tell my Dad at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
OrangeSlices998 · 22/07/2019 12:59

@TomHagenMakesMyBosomTremble I really don't know, I just don't think so. We're very close, and I feel like she'd have said something? Although maybe not. She's told me about problems in their marriage before. She may know, I really doubt it though.

OP posts:
Star81 · 22/07/2019 13:04

What an awful position to be put in.

Hopefully he will tell your mum but then you have to decide whether to tell her you knew and that is why he told her.

Personally I wouldn’t keep secrets from her and be totally truthful no matter which way she finds out x

PepsiLola · 22/07/2019 13:10

If he tells your mum, the baby news could be a blessing to take her mind off the bad news?

MosquitoInAJamJar · 22/07/2019 13:16

I'm so sorry Orange what a horrid situation to find yourself in you didn't even ask to be in. Ugh.

Given you can't escape this (as you might friends or acquaintances who you could grey rock) I'd give him an ultimatum to tell your mum. Failing that I'd have to tell mum, but would take me a day or so to get my head round it.

What a shit position to put you in.