AIBU to tell my mum about his texts?

[OrangeSlices998]

I just don’t know what to do. NC for this.

My dad text me this morning to see if I had received an essay for his Masters he asked me to proof read - absolutely fine.

Then, straight away I got a bunch of sexually explicit (very very sexual explicit!) messages from him that were not meant for me. I was disgusted, and shocked.

My parents have been married for 34 years, reasonably happy, my mum has been loyal and faithful and the best Mum to us all and I am just devastated he is texting some woman about wanting to do all sorts to her (VOM).

I told him I was upset and asked if they were for mum - said no, but that he couldn’t apologise enough for me seeing them, to do with them what I will, and that he never claimed to be a saint and won’t explain himself over text but face to face.

So, here’s my question - what ON EARTH do I do?! My mum is coming to visit next weekend, do I tell her? I have an older brother but he’d just lose his shit and have nothing helpful to offer. The fallout from this will be huge... Help?

Hello OP. I'm sorry you are going through this horrible time, stuck between your selfish, cheating father (sorry) and your poor mother.

He isn't very pleasant, sorry or contrite and told me he wasn't going to tell my mum as he had been advised not to, as it would ruin my wedding
Who advised him not to tell your mum? Is he telling the truth?

@MotherOfSoupDragons Precisely. We often, me, my mum & my little brother would do things and he just wouldn’t come - let’s say, a trip to the local nature reserve or the beach, soft play, wherever. Sometimes he would, but to be honest I liked it better when he didn’t! Me and mum could just chat and potter, he can just be an arse at times. As he’s proving this week!

It will be interesting to see how much of a shock this is for your mum. Good luck.

@Happynow001 I have been wondering this too and whether his other woman has advised him not to. Which is gross because I hate the idea of him talking to her about me and my DP (maybe that’s weird)

Gosh your "dad" is a piece of work. This is all on him. He'll blame your poor mum too I bet. He'll have plans with his OW this weekend whilst your mum is out the way.
Seriously he wouldn't enjoy spending time with you all?! - says it all really. Big ((((hugs))))

Wow. He is a galloping thundercunt. Imagine being cowardly enough to try and twist it so that you are at fault for his , terrible behaviour. Hugs. You are clearly a credit to your mum as I can't see much of your dad's hand in you. I am glad that you have spoken to your brother and that he is backing you up without going off like a loose cannon. I hope that you manage to tell your mum and that she eventually ends up in a happier place. She has a wonderful family to support her getting there.

Congratulations on your baby. He or she is a lucky little person to be joining the majority of your family.

Sorry Op, this is a shitty position to be in, how your DF can try and blame you for any future consequences I really don't know. He's hoping to guilt trip you into silenceb ut your poor DM deserves better. Good luck with this, I really don't envy you

Felicitations on your pregnancy. Whatever your mom chooses to do with the knowledge, I feel strongly that she would want you to tell her about it. It's extremely unlikely that she would prefer you to suffer under the weight of this secret; you (and your sibling) are still her baby and your mental health is more important than your dad's infidelity. x

Congratulations on your pregnancy, can I just say please take care of yourself and try and keep calm about all of this upsetting though it is! You and your new baby are the most important people in this.

I'd be slightly worried that he might be emptying any joint bank accounts or hiding assets since he knows your mum is about to find out.

If I were in your position, my relationship with my Dad would be changed forever. And my Mum would see that and want to know why. So I would have to tell her.

Suspect your dad and OW have a financial plan as well. Perhaps now is the best time to screw it up for them.

@PettyContractor I have the same reaction to the moralising.

Ok, nobody wants to be cheated on. I've never cheated on a partner. And I'm not foolish enough to believe I"m invincible and it wouldn't hurt. But yet. Like you, I read threads where people's reaction to infidelity seems to be like they're reading something different from what I'm reading.

OP, I'd gauge the situation more before you do anything that can't be taken back. Maybe watch a film (with cheating in it) with your mum and bring it up as a theoretic discussion.

Your father is a coward. He probably sent them to you deliberately to put the ball in your court. His probably looking for a way out but to chicken to have the balls to tell your mother so he is hoping you will out of loyalty. Tell him he needs to tell your mother and be a decent human being otherwise your in an impossible situation. Every hour you know without saying will hurt your mum. I suggest telling her she needs to talk to your father as he has something he needs to discuss.

Your dad is horrible man who is trying to shift the blame, dick move!
The other option than telling your mum everything on the weekend is to talk to her while she is at home and tell her to ask your dad about the message he sent you. That way your dad will be forced into telling.
Shitty position to be in. Good luck

@31RueCambon I appreciate we all feel differently, hence the value of a forum. However I’m interested to know how you don’t think a married man with children sleeping with someone who isn’t his wife is okay? Or not a situation to feel angry about? I just don’t understand. I think cheating is wrong, I think texting a woman who isn’t your faithful, loving wife of 34 years and talking about how you want to fuck this OW and the games you want to play and how you love this OW isn’t a betrayal of their marriage vows and therefore something wrong?

I don’t need to theoretically discuss infidelity to know my Mum also thinks it’s wrong. She’s very religious, and truly believes in the sanctity of her vows - forsaking all others is quite a biggie.

I am worried financially, everything is joint (house, bank accounts) she has a small account where her “salary” (it’s not a salary) from their being foster carers is paid into. He could be moving money, although my mum has access and can check it, I don’t think she does regularly. Since some fraudulent activity last year my Dad checks daily though if I remember rightly.

Hmmm.... wonder if the fraudulent activity was genuine or him moving funds?

Fraudulent? Probably him buying gifts, hotels, meals etc with OW

Someone maybe OW, a divorced friend or even a solicitor has given him advice possibly financial.
How old are they/ close to retirement?
Always possible ow has set a date she'll leave her family home if she's married and has children. Either way her father is being cold and calculating about this and don't doubt when your mom visits you he'll plan and plot some more.
Lots of positive thoughts as you go through this with your mom.

Is it worth alerting your mum and suggesting she keeps a lid on things whilst she has time to arrange things for herself financially? I’m not suggesting your mum takes all the money and runs, but even when she does confront your dad, there is no guarantee he’s going to disclose the full extent of his ‘affair & intentions’ etc. Maybe just hide your mum some time. Tell your dad your unsure whether to tell her or not, then actually tell your mum, away from anyone else so she at least has the freedom to explode, cry if she needs to. Give her the support to take time to consider all options for herself.

I wouldn’t tell her until you and your brother are with her. She will want to see the evidence, also. The poor thing. You poor thing. If your brother lives closer to her, it might be prudent to get him to suggest she checks the bank accounts before they leave. I wouldn’t put it past your darling daddy to take advantage of everyone being away to get his ducks in a row.

@PettyContractor

Funnily enough some of us think that someone who lies too & betrays their partner, potentially endangering their sexual health in the process, & just deliberately behaving in a way they know will absolutely devastate their partner just so they can feel good, are the one's who are nasty & abusive...

Congratulations op. What a pity this situation is in the way. I'd go one further and tell him if he doesn't tell her himself by tomorrow and makes you do his dirty work, it will damage your relationship with him.

A similar thing happened in our family. Female relative was upset at people knowing for some length of time before she was told. People were just trying to get him to do the right thing. Act swiftly.

I hope your news helps your mum recover.