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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell my mum about his texts?

143 replies

OrangeSlices998 · 21/07/2019 22:04

I just don’t know what to do. NC for this.

My dad text me this morning to see if I had received an essay for his Masters he asked me to proof read - absolutely fine.

Then, straight away I got a bunch of sexually explicit (very very sexual explicit!) messages from him that were not meant for me. I was disgusted, and shocked.

My parents have been married for 34 years, reasonably happy, my mum has been loyal and faithful and the best Mum to us all and I am just devastated he is texting some woman about wanting to do all sorts to her (VOM).

I told him I was upset and asked if they were for mum - said no, but that he couldn’t apologise enough for me seeing them, to do with them what I will, and that he never claimed to be a saint and won’t explain himself over text but face to face.

So, here’s my question - what ON EARTH do I do?! My mum is coming to visit next weekend, do I tell her? I have an older brother but he’d just lose his shit and have nothing helpful to offer. The fallout from this will be huge... Help?

OP posts:
WhiteWineAndMagnums · 22/07/2019 22:22

I feel for you, OP. What a fucking shit position to put you in Thanks.

I've been in almost exactly the same position as you. The burden of feeling that I held a secret and didn't know what to do was awful and has affected me throughout my life. I was early 20s when I first figured something was going on. I did confront my dad and he denied it all, explained it all away.

The not knowing what to do ate me up. In the end my dad slipped up and my mum found out anyway. The relief was overwhelming that I no longer carried that weight.

It still affects my relationship with my dad now, though we still get on on face value. I will never forgive him for causing my mum
so much hurt and putting me through that.

Only you know best what to do but I would tell your mum. She may well know deep down anyway.

PooWillyBumBum · 22/07/2019 22:24

I feel for you and I would also tell my mum, because she deserves to either have independence or be with someone who truly values and respects her. And because if she caught an STD or found out later and it came out I’d known all along I wouldn’t see us getting past this.

Sorry he’s put you in this position.

MrsPerfect12 · 22/07/2019 22:36

I feel for you. Hope it goes well with your poor mum Flowers

Pheasantplucker2 · 23/07/2019 11:42

I really feel for you OP, what a horrible position to be in. It's absolutely not fair of your dad to blame you for the ramifications of this - did he really expect you just to keep his sordid secret?

Does your mum have a sister or close friend that you might be able to trust to talk to about this. She's going to need to support in the days and weeks to come, and you will too.

If you think this is all going to come out either before or at the weekend, I would hold off on the baby news. It's so much to take in and you don't want the two things associated in her mind - I found out my husband was cheating the weekend my daughter announced she was pregnant.

Either ring her and tell her now, so she has that happiness first, or wait a couple of weeks if it's not obvious, and tell her then.

He's really spoilt so much for you, hasn't he? What a shit he is.

DingDongDenny · 23/07/2019 11:58

Whatever you do don't forward your mum the texts as one poster has suggested. In fact I wouldn't show her them at all, even if she wants you to. It would only cause her more pain in the long term

I think she will know you are telling her out of love.

As for your dad, I think it would be a while before I would even contemplate seeing him - what a fuck up!

Ozziewozzie · 23/07/2019 12:03

He either tells your mums himself or you tell her.
Believe me, if and when she does find out, and she realises you knew but hadn’t told her....imagine how hurt she will feel in top of everything. If your dad is behaving that way, your mum deserves her freedom.
Poor you. What a horrible situation to be in.

Branleuse · 23/07/2019 12:08

you dont need to give her the gory details, but you could tell her that youve recieved explicit messages from him accidently meant for someone else, and he has admitted it to you, and you dont know what she wants to do with the information, but you cannot keep it from her, and you are on her side, and there for her

letsdolunch321 · 23/07/2019 12:11

Congratulations to you & dp on your pregnancy.

What a situation for you to be in - do you tell, don't you tell !!!

My df waS a serial adulterer, my dm knew of his affairs even when my mum was dying in a hospice he was away with his mistress. My dm had the chance to leave him but never did - unsure why.

Possibly your mum knows too and thinks it is too late in life now to start over again - good luck in whatever you decide to do

justilou1 · 23/07/2019 12:51

He’s basically daring you to do this. Is he paying for any of your wedding? Do you rely on him financially at all? If you tell your mother, this will be used against you.

Newyearnewme2019 · 23/07/2019 13:12

Your dad is showing is true colours isn't he!!!! Where is he when you need him most, even when it's him hurting you, he should be there to talk to you, let you scream at him - BE A DAD!!!

But he isn't being is he. Do you think that if you didn't say anything and one day in the future he leaves, do you think he would be mean and nasty and tell your mum that you knew he was having affairs all along and never said anything to her - could you imagine the pain of betrayal this would cause to her?

I think you need to tell her. You don't have to come out with anything other than say "mum, I received these text from dad by mistake" and show her the phone and then just be there for her

chilling19 · 23/07/2019 13:57

Horrible situation. Tell her and let her deal with going forward. It may be she leaves or stays, but that is up to her (and them) to work out. You can take a step back, but let her know you will support whatever decision she makes.

As for your relationship with your dad - he has acted badly, first by cheating on your mum but, even worse, not taking responsibility for it and removing the weight from your shoulders. That is something that he needs to deal with if you are to have a decent relationship going forward.

I am so sorry. Thanks

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/07/2019 14:10

He has told me he had no intention of telling her

I'm really sorry, OP; you did the right thing in telling him to inform your DM himself, and his refusal shows him to be beneath contempt - as does his ridiculous attempt to blame you

I guess all you can do now is mention these "inappropriate texts" to your mum. I probably wouldn't show her the actual content myself, but just tell her the basics and let her decide whether she wants to press him for more detail

Bwekfusth · 23/07/2019 15:20

This is horrendous. Not what you need when you're supposed to be enjoying your pregnancy Thanks

combatbarbie · 23/07/2019 15:36

Oh my life, what an arse!! You have to tell her, if it ever comes out and she knows you knew, that will be worse IMO. You have his admission in writing.... He's made his bed....

Your poor mum.....

Original poster
OrangeSlices998 · 23/07/2019 15:44

Thank you all. Still sad and angry about this, I can't believe it really.

So, a little update: My dad and I have been emailing since yesterday morning, maybe 6 messages in total between us. He isn't very pleasant, sorry or contrite and told me he wasn't going to tell my mum as he had been advised not to, as it would ruin my wedding (18 months away!), and basically said he wasn't going to tell her and ruin her weekend away to me. I'm not proud to say it but my emails back haven't been polite or friendly, I've told him what I think and he has been cruel and pathetic in his reply.

He's making out that me telling my mum (because I definitely will) is ME breaking up the family NOT him, and he's just playing the blame game and has told me not to contact him again - fine by me! I've blocked him anyway, after sending my last message this morning telling him he still has the choice to tell her before I do.

Phew. I cried this morning after reading his last message, I'm just so weighed down by it all. It feels like its ALL ON ME.

I did call my brother yesterday and tell him, and then I spoke to his wife as well. Both not that shocked, supportive, and we all agreed my Mum needs to know. How we do that hasn't been ironed out yet but is likely to involve me going to where they live for the day before she comes to stay with me.

What. A. Mess.

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 23/07/2019 15:49

How a father can treat his flesh and blood like this never fails to shock, distress and disgust me.

Your mum will be fine with you supporting her, Orangeslices.

ohfourfoxache · 23/07/2019 16:02

Your “father” is a cunt.

However, it feels like your brother might actually be coming up trumps with his support.

You’re in a horrible, horrible position but I do believe you’re doing the right thing by telling her.

daisyboocantoo · 23/07/2019 16:19

I'm so sorry that your dad is behaving like this. That is so incredibly hurtful. Twat.

I am pleased that your brother and his wife are being supportive though, and helping you so you are not alone.

alwayslearning789 · 23/07/2019 16:22

Just to say it is good that you told your brother. You will need eachother's support as you go through this. And you have somebody close to thoroughly discuss what happens next as you go through the process.

I am sorry you are having to go through this.

Sending hugs...

Evilspiritgin · 23/07/2019 16:23

I’m glad you’ve spoken to your brother about it, is your father meant to be coming to see you this weekend with your mum?

Original poster
OrangeSlices998 · 23/07/2019 16:26

@Evilspiritgin Thankfully, no. It was always planned as just my mum and younger brother coming down to see me, my Dad wouldn't enjoy it!

OP posts:
LadyBrienneofTarth · 23/07/2019 17:00

It really sounds like he did this on purpose
So sorry love
What a twat

Hanab · 23/07/2019 17:07

Your dad is a twat!

He wants you to tell her so he can spin a story & make you the bad one ..
In my opinion tell her before she comes ( he probably wont be expecting you to do so) he will not have time to make up stories .. she can come heal by you .. 🌷

Ps: just my opinion 🤷🏻‍♀️

MotherOfSoupDragons · 23/07/2019 17:26

Your dad wouldnt enjoy visiting his children with his wife? So he was always a twat then?

Fcukthisshit · 23/07/2019 18:04

What a horrible situation for you to be in. I hope your dad does the decent thing and owns up.

Congratulations on the baby xx