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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell friend why I don’t want to eat with her anymore

105 replies

Elision · 21/07/2019 14:21

Best friend has a new partner who is great to her and for her in almost every way. He does however have a big untidy beard and moustache and when he’s eating he constantly has globs of food and sauce in it until someone gestures to him and he wipes it off. It makes me feel so nauseous that I am unable to eat my own food (yes I’m probably the arsehole here but I just can’t handle it).

Previous to them getting together our social lives centred around cooking, dinner parties, trying new restaurants, trips to food festivals, etcetera. I have tried to redirect things a bit by suggesting walks and games nights but there’s only so much of that you can do and she seems to be upset that I’ve fallen out with her or that I don’t like her partner.

Should I gently tell her the truth? What would you do?

OP posts:
PurpleWithRed · 21/07/2019 14:26

Depends on how good a friend you are and how you think she might take it... Can you just make sure you sit next to him so you aren't faced with it?

BarbariansMum · 21/07/2019 14:28

Do you refuse to eat with anyone who get food around their mouths, or only those w beards? Is "not looking" not an option, do your eyes not swivel?

bettydaviseyes1 · 21/07/2019 14:29

Is it really that big a deal? I think it could come across as mean to say how you feel and I believe there might be a reason beneath the food thing.

I find if someone is annoying me about small things it turns out I dont like them or am annoyed at them for something else.

slashlover · 21/07/2019 14:30

Can you not just go on a girls only night or does she need her partner every time?

Twotome · 21/07/2019 14:31

I would be the same OP, although I do realise it’s not very nice for the man. I couldn’t help it putting me off my food.

Oblomov19 · 21/07/2019 14:37

Wouldn't bother me.
I've have to tell her though.

ContactLight · 21/07/2019 14:49

I'm revolted by most beards too, so I'm completely on your side here OP. It's called pogonophobia.

Have no idea how to deal with the issue though!

S1naidSucks · 21/07/2019 14:51

That would turn my guts and he is just a slob. My middle boy has dyspraxia (more coffee gets poured on the worktop than in the cup), but he can eat like a civilised human being and keep food out of his beard.

Sorry, no help with whether or not you should say anything.

RubbingHimSourly · 21/07/2019 14:55

YANBU.

My oh has a massive, facebush and it really nis disgusting eating opposite something that resembles Mr Twit......... difference being I've known my OH 30 years and counting. So can bellow FFS, wipe your face pubes. Or exclaim he can eat his spag bol or whatever elsewhere.

I wouldn't be able to do that to someone I didn't know and wouldn't want to.sit opposite it either.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 21/07/2019 14:55

DP has a big beard, he very very rarely gets food in it. How is this man doing it?

It doesn't bother me if someone eats messily, but if it bothers you then say so, or point out the food in his beard (as you say he always cleans it when it's pointed out) when it happens?

Juells · 21/07/2019 14:56

I wouldn't be able to eat opposite someone like that either, my stomach would heave. My ex had a beard for several years (I didn't like it) but he never got food in it. eeeeuuuuggghhhhh,

Orangecake123 · 21/07/2019 14:59

Just go out with her alone?

Expressedways · 21/07/2019 15:00

If you tell her you’ll essentially be saying that you find her partner so repulsive that you can’t be in the same room as him when he eats. That’s not going to do the friendship any favours. If you don’t want to damage your relationship you’re going to have to get over and do the occasional dinner. Just make you’re not sat opposite him and don’t look. I’m with you, it’s gross, but there isn’t a nice way to tell her and if you continue to make excuses not to meet up with him she will think that you don’t like him.

alittlerayofsunshine · 21/07/2019 15:01

OMG that is actually fucking VILE! 🤮🤢

I feel queasy just reading this... BLEH! 🤢

YANBU @Elision I would keep swerving every trip out with him for sure.

VOMMMMMMM! Sad

Would I tell her though? I think I'd be too chicken shit. Blush

RollOnSummerBreak · 21/07/2019 15:01

I'm with you. I would prob be sick. I can't stomach that. But the qis.. How does he miss his mouth. Dp has a small beard and has never got food in it..

Holibobsing · 21/07/2019 15:02

Just heave and gag in front of them. About time they knew

SomewhereInbetween1 · 21/07/2019 15:03

My husband has a full beard and never experiences globs of food in it. I don't think this is necessarily a beard issue, more a messy eater issue which he could make an effort to correct if he wanted to.

LaMarschallin · 21/07/2019 15:03

Oh dear.
My OH does this too and doesn't even have a beard. Happily gets mayonnaise or whatever round his mouth and, when I point it out, says that he knows and will wipe his mouth when he finishes eating.
I'd say it was like eating with a toddler except my children didn't like having food around their mouths even then: "Wipe, mummy!".

Is "not looking" not an option, do your eyes not swivel?
Really not that easy. Mine swivel, but then swivel back, as if to a car crash.

HumptyDumpty43 · 21/07/2019 15:04

It would make me feel sick too. I can't stand people even eating with their mouths open!! If he is a new partner, the food in the beard might make her feel ill as well - if she's a really good friend then I'd tell her. She might feel the same.

maddiemookins16mum · 21/07/2019 15:11

How is this even happening??

  1. Put food on firk
  2. Open mouth
  3. Insert fork

Etc etc

I don’t have a beard (some random menopausal hairs but not a beard) and I manage not to get food on my chin.

ellendegeneres · 21/07/2019 15:11

I’d have to say something gently that maybe we could do one on one meals and other things with her dp because the food in the beard thing is making you feel ill every time.

🤷🏻‍♀️ Maybe she’ll get pissy with you, maybe she’ll pull him up on it, maybe she’ll just be glad she’s got an answer as to what’s happened between the two of you and get back to just doing food one on one with you and other activities as a group.

Honest to god I’m pretty quiet but even id have said ‘oi Steve, mate, why do you keep missing your mouth?? It’s making me heave!’

viques · 21/07/2019 15:17

I feel for you OP. We have a friend whose adult daughter eats/talks simultaneously, it is almost mesmerising watching her food rotating and disintegrating inside her mouth, like a car crash on the other side of the motorway your eyes are inexplicably drawn towards her.....

I can tell you that it takes quick reflexes and sharp elbows to make sure you are not sitting opposite her at the table.

thenightsky · 21/07/2019 15:18

My OH does this too and doesn't even have a beard. Happily gets mayonnaise or whatever round his mouth and, when I point it out, says that he knows and will wipe his mouth when he finishes eating

OMG... you are married to my DH? He says exactly that, except with a note of annoyance that I've mentioned it.

Surely normal people wipe as they go along Confused

TheGlaikitRambler · 21/07/2019 15:18

I'm with you OP, I cannot abide food/sauce in facial hair, makes me feel ill.

TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 21/07/2019 15:19

Just make sure it is just bad manners, my cousin was in a nasty car accident when he was in his early twenties, he lived with seizures etc for years, he also lost feeling and slight control on one side of his mouth, you wouldn't know to look at him, especially as he's grown a beard to mask scarring. He sometimes 'misses his mouth' or food leaks a little on one side, it's because of the very serious injuries he suffered due to a drink driver.