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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell friend why I don’t want to eat with her anymore

105 replies

Elision · 21/07/2019 14:21

Best friend has a new partner who is great to her and for her in almost every way. He does however have a big untidy beard and moustache and when he’s eating he constantly has globs of food and sauce in it until someone gestures to him and he wipes it off. It makes me feel so nauseous that I am unable to eat my own food (yes I’m probably the arsehole here but I just can’t handle it).

Previous to them getting together our social lives centred around cooking, dinner parties, trying new restaurants, trips to food festivals, etcetera. I have tried to redirect things a bit by suggesting walks and games nights but there’s only so much of that you can do and she seems to be upset that I’ve fallen out with her or that I don’t like her partner.

Should I gently tell her the truth? What would you do?

OP posts:

justilou1 · 22/07/2019 03:16

I just read this and thought of you....

www.businessinsider.com/men-with-beards-carry-more-germs-than-dogs-study-2019-4

and dogs lick their butt holes.

Ew.... *encouraging DH to shave 472 times per day from now on.

seaeagle · 22/07/2019 03:50

I'm with you - I'd be sick if I had to eat with this messy man. If she is your best friend, surely you can just say sorry, can't eat near your partner.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 22/07/2019 04:15

Have you seen the episode of Friends where Phoebe hasn’t realised how massively annoying Enthusiastic Parker (Alec Baldwin) is? You need to tell your friend the truth. Revolting man.

SuzieQQQ · 22/07/2019 04:25

Beards are revolting. Food in beards are even worse.

BusterGonad · 22/07/2019 05:20

I couldn't read the full thread, this has nauseated me, anything to do with food and messy eating makes me want to puke. I hate kids with food and snot over their faces, I hate men with left over food in their beard, I hate messy eaters and will avoid eating with them at all costs.

BusterGonad · 22/07/2019 05:21

I hate sticky hands too......

EleanorReally · 22/07/2019 06:00

i dont know whether you should tell her

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/07/2019 11:07

Urgh urgh urgh - I'd be unable to deal with it either. I can't deal with people eating with their mouth wide open either, that used to make me retch.

I think you might have to tell her though - it's up to her whether or not she tells him but I'd rather she knew the true reason than make up something that's going to be a lie.

WashingMyHair247 · 22/07/2019 11:23

Just reading the first page of this thread has made me feel I'm going to bring up my breakfast.

I struggle hugely with people who get food everywhere, and also with noisy eaters. This would be too hard for me.

Pinktinker · 22/07/2019 11:28

Either go out with her alone or just don’t look at him while he’s eating?

LoafofSellotape · 22/07/2019 11:31

Don't be so bloody ridiculous,just don't look at him when he's eating. Your friend loves him,why would you want to hurt her by saying something so rude?

BusterGonad · 22/07/2019 12:00

LoafofSellotape so the man in question isn't rude then for eating in such a repulsive way? I thought most people were taught at a young age to eat in a polite manner? Mouth closed, knife and fork, napkin/tissue for spillages?

LoafofSellotape · 22/07/2019 13:37

The person that would be hurt is the OPs friend. This is one of those times when you put your own feelings to one side.

SagAloojah · 22/07/2019 13:39

My DH has a beard and never gets food in it (that’s I’ve seen).

YANBU for not wanting to eat in front of this man, it made me queasy too.

TheViceOfReason · 22/07/2019 14:38

2 sides to every story... it's fair to say that it is entirely possible that this man isn't a disgusting slob - and the truth lays somewhere between messy eater and someone with issues with messy eaters - so in reality he probably has a blob or 2 of sauce on his beard.

OP - just don't look. It is simple. People who are uncomfortable seeing breastfeeding are always (absolutely and quite rightly) told to just not look. So do the same.

Original poster

Elision · 22/07/2019 16:06

Yes @TheViceOfReason I am out of touch with reality and exaggerating. I can’t think of why but I’m sure you know better than me.

One thing I DO know is that comparing ‘being disgusted by a grown man with a crouton and a glob of egg yolk stuck in his beard’ to ‘being disgusted by breastfeeding women’ is pretty offensive to everyone involved except maybe for the crouton.

OP posts:

TheViceOfReason · 22/07/2019 16:29

Ok OP, you interpret my response any way you want.

But in fairness, are you really saying that he is such a disgusting eater - yet nobody else has the same issue with him? So there's no way it is possible that you are more sensitive to this than others and therefore it seems worse to you than it is?

And also, clearly, my point was regarding the advice to simply not look. But you know that don't you - but it's much easier to now go to mock outraged and claim offence than maybe consider the simple solution of.... not looking.

SagAloojah · 22/07/2019 16:33

@TheVice

How do you know nobody else has the same issue?

And it doesn’t matters, OP has an issue with it and she is allowed to not to want to see it anymore .

LaMarschallin · 22/07/2019 16:40

In a social situation how do you go about not looking at someone in your group ever?
Closing your eyes every time you talk to them or they'd otherwise be in your eyeline if you eg reach for some bread?

It's not really practical.

LaMarschallin · 22/07/2019 16:44

"when they'd otherwise be in your eyeline etc"

Nannewnannew · 22/07/2019 16:53

Some people can’t help feeling grossed out by messy or noisy eating, you certainly have my sympathy OP.
My sister in law always mashes her food into a purée and it really makes me feel nauseous. I have to try and sit where I can’t see her doing it, but OMG even the thought of it makes me shudder!

TheViceOfReason · 22/07/2019 16:55

The questions is what would i do.

I'd ask myself if i was being oversensitive.
I would either not look, or just learn to deal with it buy not focusing.

Both my FIL and my (late) grandfather are/were horrendous to watch eating - but it wasn't done deliberately to offend, so I just get on with eating my own meal and have learned not to focus on their mess. Personally i have found sitting next to my FIL the best option as it minimises the amount of mess i have to see as opposed to sitting directly opposite.

Much as when I am out with my friend who's small child has not yet mastered eating and turns my stomach. However as it would deeply upset my friend if i declined to meet her due to her small childs table manners, so I work hard to not focus on the mess.

If the OP has decided that they are not over sensitive, and that not looking is not an option, then i guess the only other option is to tell her friend that she will not eat in the vicinity of her friends partner as he makes her feel ill. That will go down really well i'm sure.

billy1966 · 22/07/2019 17:00

This topic has made me laugh and heave at the same time.

YADNBU

Tell her you don't wish to upset her but you just can't cope with the food in beard scenario and that you'd rather avoid food centric activities.

Be prepared for her to be very wounded and she may take the hump.

I definitely couldn't look at that and eat at the same time. Total appetite killer.

24hourhomeedderandcarer · 22/07/2019 17:15

ContactLight

thanks ive now got a name for my phobia and realizing im not alone

alll my life facial hair has turned my stomach,i remember as i small child running away and ive never liked santa

as a teenager/adult ive always been told im stupid as its so sexy but its always made me gag

TurnAroundWhenPossible · 22/07/2019 17:16

YANBU, this would turn my stomach too. And to those saying "well just don't look at him then!" how does that work at a dinner party when people are talking to each other across and around a table? Should the OP keep her head down or her eyes closed when joining in a conversation with Mr. Scuzzy Beard?

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