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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell friend why I don’t want to eat with her anymore

105 replies

Elision · 21/07/2019 14:21

Best friend has a new partner who is great to her and for her in almost every way. He does however have a big untidy beard and moustache and when he’s eating he constantly has globs of food and sauce in it until someone gestures to him and he wipes it off. It makes me feel so nauseous that I am unable to eat my own food (yes I’m probably the arsehole here but I just can’t handle it).

Previous to them getting together our social lives centred around cooking, dinner parties, trying new restaurants, trips to food festivals, etcetera. I have tried to redirect things a bit by suggesting walks and games nights but there’s only so much of that you can do and she seems to be upset that I’ve fallen out with her or that I don’t like her partner.

Should I gently tell her the truth? What would you do?

OP posts:
Rachelle11 · 21/07/2019 15:20

I just eating and reading this made my stomach flip flop. YANBU. That is disgusting. I would say something to him in a joking manner, but that lets him know it's gross.

Rachelle11 · 21/07/2019 15:21

Sorry, I meant I just finished eating!

MemorialBeach · 21/07/2019 15:21

Can't you just socialise with her alone sometimes rather than always having her partner there? You could do much of the food related things with just her, and more non-food activities with both of them.

Chunkers · 21/07/2019 15:22

You could invent ‘the beard bib’ and trial it on him, you never know, it might take off and you could make a fortune!

You are most welcome...

StroppyWoman · 21/07/2019 15:22

Tell her.

You can't let a friendship end over this and she's clearly worried something is going on. Go for a cuppa with her, say how glad you are she's with im, how good he is for her and all the lovely positive stuff. THen say something like, "If it feels like I'm pulling back, it's only when we all go out to eat. I realise it's my sensory issue, but the way he eats distresses me. Even just a bit of stuff in his beard and moustache and I feel queasy - and he tends to get a lot more that that. I dread eating with him, and that spoils my enjoyment of our meals out. He's ace and I love spending time with you both but his eating habits and my sensory issues really clash."

anothernotherone · 21/07/2019 15:23

Why do you need to socialise with her partner all the time? Your friendship is with your female friend, her partner is a separate relationship she is in. You're not in a relationship with a couple...

Do you also bring your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ crush/ friend with benefits with you everywhere you go?

Just see her alone, tell her you miss the 1:1 - unless you've been dragging a date/ "DP" everywhere with you even before she was with this partner?

herculepoirot2 · 21/07/2019 15:23

It’s food, not shit. Don’t tell her this.

Preggosaurus9 · 21/07/2019 15:24

Eurgh. I wouldn't be able to carry on either Envy not envy

OldWomanSaysThis · 21/07/2019 15:25

I'm repulsed by hairs in food, so food in hair would be a deal breaker for me too. Food and hair should never touch! Nauseating.

GibbonLover · 21/07/2019 15:25

The beard bib is already here:

To tell friend why I don’t want to eat with her anymore
Brazenhussy0 · 21/07/2019 15:26

Some people on MN are honestly the most over-sensitive creatures I've ever come across.
If food debris in a beard grosses you out, just don't look at it! Missing meals with friends and avoiding them because one of them sometimes gets sauce or whatever in his facial hair is completely ridiculous.

Your eyeballs are perfectly capable of movement so use that marvellous evolutionary adaptation to make sure you aren't staring at the man while he's eating. And for god's sake don't say anything to your friend about it - there is absolutely no good way for that discussion to go.

1forAll74 · 21/07/2019 15:26

The bearded man,is your friends new guy, and you say they are good together, so this is all that matters.So best not to go out to eat together again if this issue bothers you so much. It is just too small an issue to get uptight about.

(I like beards and moustaches)

Chunkers · 21/07/2019 15:28

GibbonLover you just beat me to it! Is his birthday coming up?

Pineapplefish · 21/07/2019 15:29

I think you should tell her, she may be pissed off but at least she'll know it's nothing she's done wrong.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 21/07/2019 15:29

Urgh! I feel sick just reading that OP. YANBU. I think you’re going to have to tell her if she asks why you won’t come for dinner anymore. But otherwise I wouldn’t say. Just suggest different ways of meeting her.

I have a friend who eats with her mouth open. It’s disgusting. I can’t cope with it so I don’t meet her for lunch/dinner anymore.

alittlerayofsunshine · 21/07/2019 15:32

@Brazenhussy0

Oh do plop off! Hmm

People are entitled to feel grossed out by peoples food all over their face and beard without being told they are over sensitive by the likes of you.

Your sarcastic and belittling post just makes you look like a bit of a jerk to be honest.

Bet you tell people who are depressed to 'cheer up' too eh? Hmm

SuzieQ10 · 21/07/2019 15:33

Oh dear.
I would feel the same as you OP. The thought of what you described... yuck.

I think you should tell her the truth. You haven't fallen out with her or are upset with her, you love her company but witnessing the messy eating with beard is just not enjoyable for you at all. Better to tell her.

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 21/07/2019 15:34

Unless he suffers the consequences of illness or accident (like the PP said), this is just bad manners we would not accept from a child let alone adult.

Original poster
Elision · 21/07/2019 15:39

Sorry not to drop feed but ‘girls nights’ aren’t really a thing in our friend group, she’s good friends with my partner as well as me, and before she met her new guy it would often be the three of us going out so it would be odd now to start having gender segregated activities.
Also I’ve tried manoeuvring so he’s out of my eyeline but that’s easier said than done!

OP posts:
F2Feee · 21/07/2019 15:41

Gosh that would put me off too. And no amount of looking away would get that icky feeling out of my head. I dont know, she might be very hurt by this.

Simkin · 21/07/2019 15:45

Do you have children? I don't think you can have or you'd be more hardened to disgustingness. Honestly if the friendship is important to you I would just work on putting up with this. I can't think of a way of telling her that wouldn't end badly and ultimately it's your problem not hers or his.

anothernotherone · 21/07/2019 15:48

Elision nobody suggested "gender segregated activities" Hmm whatever the fuck that means, just that it's possible to continue being friends with an individual you've been friends with for ages without trying to instantly embrace the same level of friendship and regularity of contact with their new boyfriend.

However if you're couples are joined at the hip people who's social lives revolve around eating then the messy eating boyfriend and your visceral reaction to messy eaters means your friendship is probably over.

anothernotherone · 21/07/2019 15:52

Simkin that's disingenuous. Many people who've changed thousands of their own baby's shitty nappies couldn't change an adult strangers' nappy. It's exactly the same with messy eating, disturbing your favourite TV program, climbing into your bed in the middle of the night...

The2Ateam · 21/07/2019 15:52

I would hate that too. I hate hearing people eat, breathe, yawn, kiss. I am weird and unreasonable.

I would just make sure to sit where I can’t see him. I wouldn’t dump my friend over this, unless of course you are looking for a reason too anyway.

pepperpot99 · 21/07/2019 15:54

I don't think you are BU. Of course there is nothing intrinsically 'wrong' with having a beard but if you are going to eat like a disgusting pig then you've got to tolerate the fallout. I have instructed my dp never to grow a beard for precisely this reason and beards probably stink as well

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