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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell friend why I don’t want to eat with her anymore

105 replies

Elision · 21/07/2019 14:21

Best friend has a new partner who is great to her and for her in almost every way. He does however have a big untidy beard and moustache and when he’s eating he constantly has globs of food and sauce in it until someone gestures to him and he wipes it off. It makes me feel so nauseous that I am unable to eat my own food (yes I’m probably the arsehole here but I just can’t handle it).

Previous to them getting together our social lives centred around cooking, dinner parties, trying new restaurants, trips to food festivals, etcetera. I have tried to redirect things a bit by suggesting walks and games nights but there’s only so much of that you can do and she seems to be upset that I’ve fallen out with her or that I don’t like her partner.

Should I gently tell her the truth? What would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Elision · 21/07/2019 15:57

@anotherotherone have I touched a nerve? In any case let me help explain gender (or sex) segregated activities for you- these are activities like ‘girls’ nights’ or ‘stag dos’ in which the female members of the social group spend time without the male members or vice versa. This is very uncommon among the people I socialise with- we are all quite casual and social and generally everyone is invited along to everything and it would be very odd to only invite one person in a couple when planning a meal or night out. Hope that’s helpful.

OP posts:
Simkin · 21/07/2019 15:57

It wasn't disingenuous. You may think it's inaccurate but I really think it. Before I had kids I was very sensitive to food mess and leftovers on plates etc, now I can feed other people's babies and watch them spit up and so on. I can't say I like it but I am more hardened to it. I find if you just tell yourself to deal with it, barring real phobias, you can. But if OP doesn't want to more than she wants to be friends with this woman that's a matter for her (and no particular judgement from me).

lifeinthedeep · 21/07/2019 15:59

I think the reason is hilarious and if I were your friend I’d be very relieved that it’s not something significant!

GabsAlot · 21/07/2019 16:01

I drop food alot i dont mean to be disgusting(no idont have a beard) maybe im just clumsy-dont stop going out with them just sit next to him if you can

TheMaddHugger · 21/07/2019 16:09

Trading places movie.

Willyoubuymeahouseofgold · 21/07/2019 16:13

I dunno what I'd do... you've already tried my tactics... I would be VERY VERY disgusted by this🤢🤢🤢

Brazenhussy0 · 21/07/2019 16:13

alittlerayofsunshine
@Brazenhussy0

Oh do plop off!

People are entitled to feel grossed out by peoples food all over their face and beard without being told they are over sensitive by the likes of you.

Your sarcastic and belittling post just makes you look like a bit of a jerk to be honest.

Bet you tell people who are depressed to 'cheer up' too eh

Yikes Confused Where does depression fit in with this? Hardly comparable with the situation being discussed...
Aside from any phobias or OCD, it absolutely is over-sensitive to avoid seeing friends for a meal because of food debris in a beard. It's a very easily solved issue - just don't look at him when he's eating!

Your reaction to my post is well... bonkers, quite frankly.
Little ray of sunshine indeed Grin

anothernotherone · 21/07/2019 16:14

Elision meh, people who bring their boyfriends to everything are irritating.

Your boyfriend/ girlfriend/ partner/ spouse is someone you are in a sexual or sexual and domestic relationship with, they aren't physically attached...

It's possible to socialise with the friend you've always socialised with without their new boyfriend.

Your "gender (or sex) segregated activities" examples are just a straw man. It isn't a choice between tacky stereotype with your female friends and normal activities as couples. Go out for dinner with your friend! Her boyfriend is her boyfriend, that doesn't automatically make him your friend!

But if you cannot socialise without partners and cannot socialise without food and cannot tolerate her partner eating, then it's a forgone conclusion that the rigid conditions can't coexist and something's got to give...

Chickenwing · 21/07/2019 16:14

I get you OP. I cant stand people who chew with their mouth open and really struggle with lunch time at work as I dont want to be rude but the way certain friends eat honestly repulses me. I try to look away but get to agitated.

LaMarschallin · 21/07/2019 16:15

Before I had kids I was very sensitive to food mess and leftovers on plates etc, now I can feed other people's babies and watch them spit up and so on. I can't say I like it but I am more hardened to it.

You're a better person than I am (not that that bar is raised very highSmile).
As I said, my children hated getting messy when they were eating and it still makes me uncomfortable now if I'm with a child eating messily and I'd rather put off my own eating, in those circumstances, until later.

The other thing I can't understand is why advertisers think we'd all want to buy some food or other promoted by pictures of some random toddler smearing it all over its face and grinning.
I just don't find that "cute" which I presume it's meant to be.

QueenofPain · 21/07/2019 16:15

My DP has a big beard and hardly ever gets anything in it, and he’s self aware enough to routinely wipe his mouth every few mouthfuls of whatever he’s eating.

What is going on with this guy?

honeybeetheoneandonly · 21/07/2019 16:16

It's probably one of those things, where once you notice it, you cannot unnotice it and now it's just becoming this big thing.
I had a weird chewing habit, I never even noticed, until someone pointed it out. I'm now much more mindful when eating with others.

ILearnedItFromABook · 21/07/2019 16:18

...That does sound disgusting.

I think that if she's not overly sensitive, I might have to tell her the truth. Either she'll understand or she won't, but at least she'll know that you don't dislike her or her partner. She might think you're weird, and it might be awkward for a while if she tells him what you've said, but then again, many would think it's strange (or even rude) that her partner is such a messy eater (barring some type of disability, which doesn't seem to be the case here).

NameChange92 · 21/07/2019 16:25

Tell her, make sure you do it gently (alongside saying lots of nice things about him and that you otherwise enjoy spending time with him) but tbh you're unlikely to be the only one who's noticed, as you can tell most people on here would find this disgusting so you're probably also not the only one who avoids eating with him, and you'd be doing her a favour.

anothernotherone · 21/07/2019 16:26

I couldn't stand socialising over food closely and regularly with adults I had no bond built over time with, if they were noisy eaters - even though I could tolerate it in a different context. I just would not choose to socialise with somebody else's partner if their behaviour during our main social activity routinely prevented me enjoying the activity.

I do have sympathy for the dilemma to a degree, but I don't really have sympathy for the couples never socialising separately thing unless you met as couples in the first place. It sounds suffocating for everyone, especially new boyfriend/ girlfriends who are expected to slot into a "group".

Gwenhwyfar · 21/07/2019 16:29

I know some beardies with this problem as well. I even know someone whose coffee mug is always disgusting because the coffee seems to fall off his beard down the outer side of the mug.

RoarkesMagicCoats · 21/07/2019 16:47

I blame the Twits.

Saracen · 21/07/2019 16:48

I think the best way to save your friendship is to tell her. You don't even have to refer to the fact that he gets food in his beard. It is possible to do it gently by pretending that it is a failing of your own that you can't stand it. You could say something like, "I have a very odd quirk, a sort of phobia around people with beards when they are eating. I really just can't bear it. He is lovely, really lovely, and so I have tried hard to overcome this but I just can't manage it. I feel terrible about this but I think we are just going to have to go out for drinks and walks instead now."

arranbubonicplague · 21/07/2019 16:52

Surely normal people wipe as they go along

I had some surgery on the lower jaw that left me with numbness under the mouth and in the chin area and made it difficult to judge whether my mouth was closed and whether I had food round it.

For a long time afterwards I wasn't confident enough to eat or drink in front of other people because I couldn't bear the thought of being a mess like this. When I got some feeling back, I constantly wiped my mouth and chin and took dabs with napkins to make sure I was clean.

In the absence of reasons it can't be done, messy eating is disrespectful in the company of others.

Boysey45 · 21/07/2019 16:58

I'd just see her by herself, surely that cant be too difficult. You don't have to be having girls nights out etc. Just suggest 1-1 activities you both like.
I think if it came down to it I'd just tell her that you are squeamish and that her partners eating is making you feel sick. She has a choice then what to do.
I would feel sick too, I'm very funny like this.

nothingtowearever · 21/07/2019 17:17

I hate stuff like this YNBU!

wineandroses1 · 21/07/2019 18:05

Be honest with your friend. You won’t be the only person who has noticed this (and found it a bit gross), so I would tell her and see if it makes any difference to his eating habits.

Sexnotgender · 21/07/2019 18:10

YANBU, I can’t eat at a table with someone who has terrible table manners.

SuperSara · 21/07/2019 20:14

Yuck!

These silly men with their comedy beards.

God knows why they can't see that they look utterly ridiculous.

Never mind with food stuck in it Envy (not envy).

FuriousVexation · 22/07/2019 02:50

My son has a big unruly beard and moustache. He always keeps a napkin/piece of kitchen roll on hand during every meal and wipes his moustache and beard about once a minute when eating anything sloppier than a sandwich, and will frequently ask me "have I got mayo/gravy/ketchup in my beard?"

(Frankly I wish he would just shave and avoid the angst. The razor blades would cost me less than the bloody kitchen roll he goes through.)

I am with @StroppyWoman - I would tell the truth, but present it as your issue rather than his. "I don't think I've ever told you this, but I have some sensory issues around food. Your BF is so so lovely, but when he gets food in his beard it really triggers my anxiety. I really don't want to embarass him