To get annoyed when people say “why don’t you just adopt”?

[Jojobears]

Often when people are talking about someone struggling to conceive (especially on online discussions) someone will suggest “why don’t you just adopt”

This just really annoys me:

It’s not a straightforward process. You don’t just get handed a perfect newborn. The days that unmarried women and girls were pressured into giving up their babies are (thankfully) gone.

Most children looking for adoption are not babies. Most children have significant issues due to mistreatment or neglect. Many babies have severe issues due to drug or alcohol abuse by the mother when she was pregnant.

The process for adoption is brutal: every single aspect of your lifestyle, personality and past is held to scrutiny by strangers.

Even when the child comes to live with you there can be issues. Severe behavioural and mental challenges. Having to keep in touch with birth families.

It’s not a walk in the park; i bet you every person who flippantly says “why don’t you just adopt” has never actually adopted or tried to adopt

I absolutely hate this too. YANBU at all.the thing that pisses me off most is that it’s always said as if the couple might never have heard of the concept of adoption before.

I know Purple Daisys. It sends me nuts. Like it’s the easiest thing in the world to do!

Completely agree. I think people have no idea what it entails these days. My mum was a social worker who specialises in adoption and the process and the paperwork are extreme. I think people just want to say something "helpful" or to fix the situation but it's not that simple. I think people find it hard to say, I'm sorry you're going through this, it really sucks and leave it at that.

Yanbu. I admire people that adopt.

I agree. These children aren’t a sticking plaster to make infertility better; they often come laden with trauma which isn’t instantly ‘fixed’ with love.

Having said that, given the right preparation and ongoing support, an adoptive family can thrive.

You have to be prepared for the long haul. It’s taken 18 years for my daughter to fully understand that I’m the one she should bring her needs to, and that I’m not going to reject her, or go away. It’s been worth the slog though.

It’s beyond stupid, thoughtless and insensitive, drives my mad.

We have friends who had a child of their own and wanted to give another child a home and they were refused after a hugely invasive process so just had a second. They’re spectacular parents.

There are a handful of adoptions in my family and extended family and it can be wonderful but also hugely complicated, practically and emotionally, whether the parents couldn’t have DC, colts and wanted to adopt a subsequent child, never wanted a biological child, what the circumstances of the child was with their birth parents.

No one ever says they’re planning to ttc to be told no, you should adopt. But if you’re infertile or are struggling to get or stay pregnant it’s one of the most immediate aggravating responses. As if someone is handing out perfect newborns to anyone who wants one.

YANBU. It has to be up there with ‘just relaaaaax’ on the annoying infertility discussion bingo card.

I agree it is more complex than many people think. But when you have a baby you don't necessarily get given a "perfect newborn" either you know.

Oh yes “just relax and it will happen”

Just fuck off will you!

(People said that to us often. We have a son now and are forever grateful; but I would never say that to anyone struggling)

I found that acquaintances were actually nosier about infertility than close friends and family

@Gintonic you’re absolutely correct; no one is guaranteed a perfect newborn.

It’s just that when you adopt, the chances of a healthy newborn are a lot lower than having a birth child.

we had this too.
We live in Australia and in our state there are 20 children per year and 140 people on the waiting list. Some people have been waiting 12 years- and if you become 'too old' you are removed.
Every 2 years your lifestyle, interactions etc are totally re-evaluated, as if you are a new applicant.
Your life is on hold. But hey yes- why not 'just adopt?
(and the children who are put up for adoption have had extremely chaotic lives up to the point they are removed and are often the children on ice addicts)

But when you have a baby you don't necessarily get given a "perfect newborn" either you know.

Of course not. There’s absolutely no need for the patronising tone. I can’t speak for all the barrens but I would trade my right arm to have a non-perfect baby.

You're not in the least unreasonable. People just don't think, if they did and if they knew what it was like to have fertility problems, they wouldn't say it. I hope lots of people read this thread and get the message. Also I sincerely hope I never said anything like that to anyone when I was younger, don't think I did.

Adoption isn't an easy option anyway.

I wouldn’t be allowed to adopt due to mental health issues.i want my own child but it is unlikely to happen.

Where we live many of the babies have drug related issues. It’s not something I feel prepared to deal with.
I have a friend who has adopted 3 children but none of them were babies. Honestly her and her husband are saints and their children are awesome now but i don’t think I could do it.
Adoption can also be expensive. I do have one DC I couldn’t have anymore, but adoption never seemed a good option for me.

My XH was asked to give a character reference when we adopted. Luckily, we have an amicable relationship, but imagine if you had a vindictive ex who could halt the process?

It is one of the most spectacularly insensitive and stupid things I read on here.

I have the impression, rightly or wrongly, that it is most often made by people who had no real difficulty getting pregnant and have no idea of how the adoption system works. They seem to think that it is as simple as going down to the supermarket and selecting one from a shelf.

They are at best misinformed,band at worst idiots.

I did try to adopt. But mind you I always wanted to.. used to sponsor kids from as soon as I earned income.

Anyway... I tried to adopt.. but was declined because I fell pregnant during the initial
Process after suffering multiple
Miscarriages and they told
Me
I should
Wait till after I give birth to decide.

I still would love to adopt but DH wouldn’t.

It’s stil my dream.

I often wonder why people struggling to conceive won’t consider adoption.. it’s not a replacement of their own child but if they have a strong desire like I did for kids, it seems logical to me.

But I don’t bring it up because people get sensitive. I do think it though- often.

@Jojobears, writing as an adopter of not one, but two separate babies, please don't rule out adoption as a "solution" to your predicament. Sure, the process is hard, but why wouldn't it be, as it's totally about finding the right parents for some of society's most vulnerable children? If you've lived a fairly straight forward life, then the process really isn't that onerous and it certainly isn't as lengthy as it was when I went through it for the first time a decade ago.

Just to give you an idea, my first adopted child was one when I brought her home and my second daughter was 12 hours old. They've both had a poor start in life and have suffered some irrevocably life-changing physical/mental issues as a consequence, but my first child will be heading off to a super-selective grammar school this September, after beating about 2,000 of her neuro-typical peers to a place.

And yes it’s difficult. Parenting is difficult. Child birth is difficult..

And adoption process is difficult.

But I do think it helps the bond when you fight for something.

@Moominmammaatsea. Thanks so much for your message. We have a son now, and are delighted and grateful to have him. What triggered this was a Facebook conversation where a woman couldn’t conceive and was looking at IVF, and lots of people piled in saying “why don’t you just adopt” as if they were being selfish by not adopting (and as though adoption is the easiest thing in the world)

It took DH and I almost 10 years to have our son. We went through the adoption process and it was bloody awful.

Another family member adopted a child who it turned out has very significant issues and was extremely violent to my relative, unfortunately the adoption had to be ended.

When we first faced infertility, I thought we would just adopt. Then I saw the reality. Almost all newborn adoptions came with significant uncertainty, even after the baby began living in your home. Older children tend to have significant medical or emotional needs. Of course, that can happen with a biological child, but you don’t have the additional challenge of getting the child to bond with you and trust you. International adoption was a bit more straightforward (at the time), but many countries ruled us out because of health problems in our past. Adopting is an incredibly hard path.

It is especially frustrating because I don’t think the current system is serving children in need of families well either.

We struggled for ten years to conceive. Twenty years and four children later I still remember how hurt I felt by all the 'just relax' comments. I surrounded myself with supportive people and appreciate them so much.

The interesting thing is we did adopt and went on to very quickly conceive naturally. There's definitely something to the 'just relax' theory, but it cuts so deeply when people who have no idea say it as if they understand! And I couldn't relax, I was so sad and angry and frustrated!

Wishing you all the best OP.

Just to add that I'm not in UK and we adopted internationally.

@IABUQueen have you also been through the adoption process; how did you find it?

My answer - ‘oh do you have children?’ Answer invariably yes. ‘Oh how did you find the adoption process’

YANBU.