To get annoyed when people say “why don’t you just adopt”?

[Jojobears]

Often when people are talking about someone struggling to conceive (especially on online discussions) someone will suggest “why don’t you just adopt”

This just really annoys me:

It’s not a straightforward process. You don’t just get handed a perfect newborn. The days that unmarried women and girls were pressured into giving up their babies are (thankfully) gone.

Most children looking for adoption are not babies. Most children have significant issues due to mistreatment or neglect. Many babies have severe issues due to drug or alcohol abuse by the mother when she was pregnant.

The process for adoption is brutal: every single aspect of your lifestyle, personality and past is held to scrutiny by strangers.

Even when the child comes to live with you there can be issues. Severe behavioural and mental challenges. Having to keep in touch with birth families.

It’s not a walk in the park; i bet you every person who flippantly says “why don’t you just adopt” has never actually adopted or tried to adopt

@PupsAndKittens if a baby or child is neglected or abused it will change the way its brain develops which leads to these type of behaviour problems. If the parents have drug or alcohol problems that can affect the brain in the womb. Even if the birth mother is very stressed because of her circumstances e.g. homelessness, domestic violence, then that will affect the baby.

@Elision, I am not from the UK myself, and am in fact not posting from the UK, but, being a rational human being, I recognise that Mumsnet is a UK site, and understandably defaults to UK-centric perspectives, so that it is up to individual posters to specify when they are talking about an issue in which different ways/laws etc are relevant.

For instance, in my home country, there's virtually no domestic adoption, because adoption can only effectively, take place with the consent of the birth parents, which means a lot of children spend long periods in foster care or residential homes. For some 'forced adoption' types, the UK should adopt this model, but the problems are obvious.

I don’t know how it works where you are Elison but where I am when children are removed by social services they enquire with the extended family to see if anyone can take those children so they can avoid putting them in foster care. Sometimes that’s just not possible.

Due to austerity and major cuts in the UK support for those in these situations wishing to keep their children isn’t as available as it should be, or so I’ve read fairly recently. It’s absolutely not fair at all. But I know a few who have been offered the support they need and despite this, they didn’t cooperate or manage to maintain it and lost custody of their children. And it’s tragic for everyone.

I always found it really rude and upsetting when i was ttc.
Unless you are sharing a story about your experience of infertility and the adoption process, or a close family story wouldn't say it to anyone now.

It always come across as either really flippant - because you're essentially asking someone when are they going to give up hope of giving birth to your own baby and that's obviously a very sensitive subject.

Or it comes across as judgey. Why don't you adopt one of these babies that need a home instead of trying to conceive you selfish person.

I read a blog a while ago can't remember where and they said adoption is a solution for childlessness not infertility and there's a difference.

So imho, ynbu. In fact you probably deserve a medal for not shouting at them.

I definitely isn’t “ just adopting”. We took nearly 2 years with DD. It’s incredibly hard parenting an adopted child, getting even harder as she gets older & more aware of her situation. We are having family therapy because things were so bad.

I meet my 7 yo in a week. Like all prospective adopters the process has been long. We have DC as well. There has been no 'just' in our case.

Close friend has birth and adopted DC and according to her the adoption process isn’t as harrowing as it used to be. They want to ensure you are ready and able but they aren’t trying to break you.

Also as a PP said, sometimes people get over dramatic when discussing needs of adopted kids. Excluding physical disabilities and extreme issues such as FAS although many adopted kids have an increased risks of developing MH issues they are still more likely to not do so.

I’ve heard of some issues with other adopted parents but with support, they’ve managed to overcome and their kids are fine. I’d be surprised if friends DC suddenly became a violent criminal overnight. She adopted her son at 2 years old after they had been with the same foster career from 5 weeks old (stayed there so long due to long court as birth family members kept popping up to challenge). There were some settling in issues and they found minor sight issues which will require glasses but now the family are not just fine they’re thriving.

Yes there are children waiting for adoption who have serious needs but I don’t think anyone is helped by overemphasising negatives because it puts people off from looking into adoption as a positive way of having/expanding a family. There are many more children out there with quite minor - moderate issues who most adults with a bit of knowledge and support could parent very well. I think one of the reasons why people who are TTC get so upset when someone mention adoption is because there’s this false notion that all adopted children are all highly damaged and their life path will always be negative and can’t be altered. Yes this is true for some but not the majority.

From my understanding, if you do your research and are very clear on what you can and cannot cope with and research the child’s background, although it will never be promised that the child will not present M or P health surprises in the future, you reduce your chances of taking on more than you can handle.

Also to PP who seemed angry that birth families aren’t considered. I don’t believe that’s the case in the UK, hence friends DC staying in foster care for 2 years whilst SS trawled through every birth family member trying to find someone suitable.

I went out with a group of friends recently. No one had children except for me and the topic got to adoption. Everyone stated that they'd love to adopt . I said I wouldn't ever adopt as I just knew I couldn't do it...well, you could have heard a pin drop! Did you know it apparently a socially unacceptable thing to say?!

Very best wishes for introductions, @topcat2014!

I’d be surprised if friends DC suddenly became a violent criminal overnight. She adopted her son at 2 years old after they had been with the same foster career from 5 weeks old (stayed there so long due to long court as birth family members kept popping up to challenge). There were some settling in issues and they found minor sight issues which will require glasses but now the family are not just fine they’re thriving.

Honestly, I think it's naive to think things are absolutely fine until the child/children in question are through their teens. Every adoptive child I know domestic and international adoptions has had issues as a teenager. (As of course do large numbers of birth children in their teens, but as ever, it isn't always possible to distinguish between standard-issue teenager stuff and things specific to adopted people.)

Which is not to doom-monger, but only to be cautious about deciding that Child X aged eight is doing fine because of loving and therapeutic parenting having successfully repaired damage caused by the loss f birth parents.

I think one of the reasons why people who are TTC get so upset when someone mention adoption is because there’s this false notion that all adopted children are all highly damaged and their life path will always be negative and can’t be altered.

Yeah, no. It’s really not. Have you struggled with ttc? Or even read the thread? Some of the reasons (from my personal experience) people get upset is that:

1. the use of the word ‘just’ like it’s as easy as popping to the shops for milk
2. the people who say it usually already have their own children with have had no issues conceiving
3. people say it like they’ve just come up with this amazing idea that you’ve obviously never thought before. Believe me, no couple gets years into ttc without having that conversation.
4. the implication that you’re being silly or selfish spending time and money trying to create your own biological child when you could adopt one that already exists (again this is usually someone with children of their own).

I have heard a stat that around 80% of adopted children have moderate to severe issues.

I don’t know where it came from, but I am an adoptive parent of 2, and know a lot of adoptive parents and children and the stat holds true among them.

Parenting adopted children is usually... not always... very different to parenting birth children.

There’s a really good reason the process is so hard and not everyone can/should do it.

So the ‘just adopt’ mantra is garbage.

Oh and this....

[Not to mention the fact that in almost every case the birth parent would have preferred to keep the baby] and probably could have and should have with the right support.

in the UK... which is where most posters are posting from... is olute bollocks.

absolute

I'm in my 40's and was adopted as a baby, I can't remember it at all.
I have huge issues with it, more so now than ever, and though I don't wish I wasn't adopted, because of course that's a better option than a Children's home, I wish I wasn't an adopted child.

@IHaveBilloHair

Have you read The Primal Wound?

Sorry, @IHaveBrilloHair

In my experience there aren't many who say "just adopt"in real life. If people do mention it it's generally along the line of "have you or would you consider adoption". Or "would adoption work for you".

I would never have adopted. It was never something that felt right for me. I wanted my own or none. I have friends who adopted. Some adopted babies, one adopted an older sibling family of four, another adopted 3 children of different ethnicities, cultures and home lives. All did or are doing fine and managed issues as they arose. The pre adoption stuff prepared them as much as it could for potential problems.

I was brought up in a care home with over 100 children. None of the children were there because their parents "gave them up". All were there because the parents were neglectful, abusive, mentally Ill or addicted to something. A handful of children under the age of five went on to be adopted and some children of all ages went to full time foster care. But the majority, like me, just stayed until it was time to leave at age 18.

I wish I wasn't an adopted child

I remember looking for adoption papers when I was 7 or 8 because I was convinced my parents couldn't be my real ones (sadly they were). They were both very abusive and should have never had children.

I've often said I wish my mother had given me up for adoption so I had a chance to live with a better family.

But that aside I totally agree, OP! I'm 3 years into TTC and I've been told: -just relax -eat pineapple -adopt a baby -it'll happen when it's meant to -am I tracking ovulation -stop thinking about it.

Arrrrggg.

No, in all honesty I try to shut it down, it bothers me so much I don't want to open up more boxes if that makes sense?
It's probably my adoptive family, they weren't awful or terrible or anything, but I don't think took into account that I wasn't a blank canvas, even with no memories.
I honestly just want to cut out every family member above me.
Never, ever under estimate how an adopted child feels at any age, and never expect them to be grateful.

That was to @WCTC

☺️*@MindatWork* yes I have struggled to conceive. I was almost driven to depression and spent thousands on IVF to finally get DC.

I also didn’t say ‘the reason’ I said ‘one of the reasons’. I also don’t think people mean ‘just’ I think they mean ‘have you considered’ which of course is still annoying but not mean to either those TTC or adopted children.

@IHaveBrilloHair don't expect them to be grateful is the first thing we were told on day one of prep course. Many thanks for making that point.

Is there actually any scientific evidence to back up The Primal Wound? Coz I have heard it is bollocks.

OMG really @topcat2014.
I had no idea, yet it's how I feel.
Tbf I was adopted 40 years ago, I'm assuming things are different now.

But when you have a baby you don't necessarily get given a "perfect newborn" either you know

There's always one on the infertility threads who just has to let us all know that 'its not easy for us either you know'.

Is there actually any scientific evidence to back up The Primal Wound? Coz I have heard it is bollocks.

I'm sure it is to some. Others find it very useful. Not sure it needs to be backed up by science when that's the case.

I hope no adoptive parents encourage their children to feel grateful. Why should they? Nothing that happened to them is something they had control of/would have chosen for themselves.