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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get annoyed when people say “why don’t you just adopt”?

179 replies

Jojobears · 20/07/2019 23:43

Often when people are talking about someone struggling to conceive (especially on online discussions) someone will suggest “why don’t you just adopt”

This just really annoys me:

It’s not a straightforward process. You don’t just get handed a perfect newborn. The days that unmarried women and girls were pressured into giving up their babies are (thankfully) gone.

Most children looking for adoption are not babies. Most children have significant issues due to mistreatment or neglect. Many babies have severe issues due to drug or alcohol abuse by the mother when she was pregnant.

The process for adoption is brutal: every single aspect of your lifestyle, personality and past is held to scrutiny by strangers.

Even when the child comes to live with you there can be issues. Severe behavioural and mental challenges. Having to keep in touch with birth families.

It’s not a walk in the park; i bet you every person who flippantly says “why don’t you just adopt” has never actually adopted or tried to adopt

OP posts:
TheJellyBabyMadeMeDoIt · 21/07/2019 20:41

Stating a fact is not cruel. Brillo is offering a perspective as to why it isn't an easy option, all the years down the line and what prospective adopters need to take into account.

It seems the adoption agencies are of the same mind because they were putting the same issues across (being grateful and having a whole other family that shouldn't be ignored) as Brillo has mentioned in her own story.

hashtagthathappened · 21/07/2019 20:42

So it’s not cruel to tell someone their child isn’t really theirs.

Ok then.

Thank Christ I didn’t adopt!

StCharlotte · 21/07/2019 20:47

We couldn't have children but adoption was never an option for us for many reasons.

Sometimes in my darkest most bitter moments I think "natural" parents should also have to be approved in the same way before they're allowed to conceive.

TheJellyBabyMadeMeDoIt · 21/07/2019 20:47

She didn't say that.

She stated a fact, they are someone else's baby first.

I find it confusing that you are taking this to heart when you have no experience of adoption and are questioning a poster who is sharing their lifelong experience of being adopted.

hashtagthathappened · 21/07/2019 20:48

I’m not taking it to heart Hmm I’m saying it was a cruel comment, which it was. If you don’t believe me why don’t you try saying it to your child and watch her face crumple? Oh wait. She’s not your child at all, is she? Confused

skybluee · 21/07/2019 20:50

You can be both cruel and true.

TheJellyBabyMadeMeDoIt · 21/07/2019 20:53

You wouldn't say it to a child.

It's part of this discussion here. It's relevant to why it's not an easy alternative to TTC.

InTheEvening · 21/07/2019 20:58

It's definitely not an alternative or even a solution to TTC. I hate how it's offered up as a nice and easy neat suggestion.

Usually people suggesting adoption have zero experience of it, either as an adoptee or adopter.

TheJellyBabyMadeMeDoIt · 21/07/2019 20:59

This was discussed in depth last week on the course (I realise me going on a course doesn't mean I know everything, I don't think I know anything just what we were told on the course itself with is very relevant to the Op)

They hammered home that regardless of how fucked up the situation was that led to the child going into care, there's a very strong chance that they were loved and they were someone else's baby first. If they have parental contact, even through letters, then it is a fact that no amount of excellent parenting or love is going to wipe away and that the prospective adopters need to be OK with.

TwistofFate · 21/07/2019 21:02

YANBU. This really annoys me, partly because I never hear people who can have their own children being asked why they didn't adopt; and also because I work with children and young people who have been through the care system, and yes, some of them can be challenging but they still deserve to be someone's first choice and not just a back-up option.

InTheEvening · 21/07/2019 21:05

They still deserve to be someone's first choice and not just a back-up option

That's a really good point.

Ted27 · 21/07/2019 21:07

I would never say to an adopter that their child is not theirs, and I would not be impressed if anyone said it me. I don't need it pointing out to me, I'm well aware if it.

But, its an entirely different thing to accept on a personal level, as part of your adoption journey, that your child has a birth family.

TheJellyBabyMadeMeDoIt · 21/07/2019 21:08

I'm stepping away from this now. It's actually been an eye opener (in a positive way) reading the stories of those in the know, from both sides.

I'm looking forward to meeting our little one very soon and I hope our family can help them through what may be a tougher childhood than most. They'll not be short of love that's for sure.

StCharlotte · 21/07/2019 21:11

Good luck TheJellyBabyMadeMeDoIt Smile

DaisyChainsGetBroken · 21/07/2019 21:13

Yanbu at all. I work professionally with children who have been adopted. The massively complex trauma and attachment disorder that many have is not to be underestimated.

howmanyusernames · 21/07/2019 21:24

I do wonder if some of the people commenting have even looked into adoption.
To say that ‘most’ adopted babies will have problems is false.
To say adoption is expensive is false.
To say there aren’t a lot of babies ‘available’ is false.

Adoption is intrusive as the baby/child has already been through a shit time so SS will do all they can to put them in a safe secure home.

I have adopted, he was 6 months old when he came home. He is amazing, no problems and I would die for him. He is my son.

Birth parents do not always want to keep their children. Our son is 1 of 6, and all have been adopted. We have written to birth Mum through SS, she’s not replied, like she doesn’t with her other 5 children. She had choices, we all do, and we all make mistakes, but 6 is a lot of mistakes to make...

For what it’s worth, we found the adoption process fine. Yes they asked a lot of questions, met family and checked our finances, but why wouldn’t they? They want to make sure the baby/child gets the best possible future!

TrexDrip · 21/07/2019 21:27

Another adoptive parent here. We had infertility issues for years and although offered IVF we chose not to have it as the chances were so slim due to previous accident and my one ovary being polycistic.
We debated for a good couple of years on whether to adopt or not due to knowledge of adoptions that had faced huge difficulties.
We applied to adopt in 2015 after researching lots online and reading a number of books.
We were approved after 10 months of intense scrutiny including bank statements, physicals, work and personal references and with family unsure if it was right for us.
We found out about our 2 a month later who were classified as hard to place due to their very small age gap and personal histories. We got matched 4 months later after meeting foster carer, paediatrician and offering to meet birth mother.
They have been home for over 3 years now and I can honestly say hand on heart it is the best thing we ever did.
Is it hard? Yes, everyday can be a battle as they both suffered alcohol abuse in the womb and domestic violence. They can be too trusting of some people and can show attachment issues but first and foremost they are loved children.
We were selfish to adopt as we wanted kids and it gets my back up every time someone says “oh you are amazing, oh they are so lucky”.
We are the lucky ones and I thank the stars everyday that I get to bring up 2 amazing children who love us and show so much potential.
They know their story warts and all but it isn’t discussed everyday. It doesn’t need to be at their age and they are too busy being children and having fun.

CookPassBabtridge · 21/07/2019 21:30

I agree, it's thrown about too easily. A lot of people only want their own biological child too.

Alexapourmeadrink · 21/07/2019 21:32

@ted27 One version of it is the Adoption UK “Children Who Wait” magazine. This is, in effect, a catalogue of children that have not attracted interest within the local authority area. They could be disabled, a large sibling group or religious/race requirement. We found our children in it and fell in love at first read.

Alexapourmeadrink · 21/07/2019 21:36

@trexdrip same here - I feel very patronised when told “you are amazing for adopting children with disabilities and trauma”. No, we’re not. We’re amazing parents though Grin because our children (now moody teens) tell us so!!!

Ted27 · 21/07/2019 22:14

@alexapourmeadrink did you see my later post. I was trying to make a point. Calling something the hard to place register gives a false impression.
Given the way adoption services are organised by local authority area, its inevitable at times that there will be a mismatch of adopters approved at any one time and their 'matching criteria' with the children available to be adopted at that time.
I'm very aware of Children who wait, linkmaker etc. They are not registers of children, they are places SWs use to bring particular children to the attention of a wider pool of adopters.
As I said in my other post, using the term hard to place gives the impression that there are children who are more difficult or complex than others, and that there are therefore ' easy ' children.

Alexapourmeadrink · 22/07/2019 00:28

I get that but it is a fact - they were hard to place. We were told so and it’s so sad. It wasn’t sad for us though, without being “hard to place” we would never have known about them. This was over 10 years ago though, so hopefully the agencies/local authorities have improved their sharing of information since turn.

MarieFromStTropez · 22/07/2019 00:50

Social Services hate adoption, they would much rather children languished in 'care' homes and are farmed out at huge expense to foster carers than be given to a loving, yet, imperfect, family.

I have many friends who have adopted, but all from overseas. I wouldn't say it was easy, but certainly much easier than adopting in the UK. The average time it took was 8 months.

Friend 1 adopted a 5 year old girl from Nepal.
Friend 2 adopted a baby girl from Ethiopia.
Friend 3 adopted a baby boy from Ethiopia.
Friend 4 adopted a 4 year old girl from Mexico.
Friend 5 adopted a 2 year old girl from India.

All children are fine, doing well academically and with no long-term health issues.

TrexDrip · 22/07/2019 00:56

Thanks @alexapourmeadrink !
We aren’t the perfect parents - no one is but we are doing our best to be. I do wonder if the majority of biological parents have the thought everyday of “we are lucky to have these children”
Me and my husband have a knowing smile between us now when one of the kids does something funny, amazing, different or cracks a milestone.
I believe fate brought us together and I suffered a lot of loss in my family before the adoption but now couldn’t even think of changing anything historic in my life if given the chance.

Rainatnight · 22/07/2019 06:26

MariefromStTropez I’m sorry, but that is just nonsense. What evidence do you have that social services hate adoption? I’m an adoptive parent and have never met anyone from social services who’d rather see a kid in care than with a loving family (be it their birth family if that’s possible or adoption).