To get annoyed when people say “why don’t you just adopt”?

[Jojobears]

Often when people are talking about someone struggling to conceive (especially on online discussions) someone will suggest “why don’t you just adopt”

This just really annoys me:

It’s not a straightforward process. You don’t just get handed a perfect newborn. The days that unmarried women and girls were pressured into giving up their babies are (thankfully) gone.

Most children looking for adoption are not babies. Most children have significant issues due to mistreatment or neglect. Many babies have severe issues due to drug or alcohol abuse by the mother when she was pregnant.

The process for adoption is brutal: every single aspect of your lifestyle, personality and past is held to scrutiny by strangers.

Even when the child comes to live with you there can be issues. Severe behavioural and mental challenges. Having to keep in touch with birth families.

It’s not a walk in the park; i bet you every person who flippantly says “why don’t you just adopt” has never actually adopted or tried to adopt

The fact is, most adopters want a healthy baby that matches their own ethnicity. There aren’t many of those waiting to be adopted.

@Jojobears, yes, I get where you are coming from - and with the benefit of hindsight/experience of being an adopter for a decade+, I think adoption is really only “successful” when there’s a shift in thinking and you realise/appreciate that it’s not about a child filling the gap in your home and heart but about you plugging the child’s (never-ending) need for an adult to (finally) put them first. And even then, as your relative discovered, some children remain so traumatised by their early experiences with their birth families that they are “stuck” in their trauma and cannot adapt successfully to life in a new family.

Adoption is a massive leap of faith with no certainties or guarantees, but I, for one, feel blessed and fortunate to have had the chance to enjoy mothering from a different dimension and to continue to experience the richness of family life - (many) warts and all - that I wouldn’t necessarily have been able to as a single woman with a fast-ticking biological clock. It’s not perfect, but it’s my version of perfection.

YANBU. I would love to adopt but tbh I don’t think I could cope with the scrutiny and intrusion into my past.

Totally agree. It’s up there with just relax/get drunk/go on holiday/buy a dog or cat. All of them not helpful and just annoying imo.

Adoption isn't for everyone anyway. If I had been unable to have a child I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have considered adoption. I was an adopted child so that may have something to do with it.

The situation didn't arise thankfully but I would have hated to have to explain to anyone why I didn't want to adopt. I don't know how I would have done that but no one should have to anyway, it's private. Having someone of my own flesh and blood, at last, was quite important to me.

I might be being extremely thick here so please don’t take offence, but I am interested to know why(according to most people) 99% of kids in the care system are so problematic. I hear a lot of people claim trauma but most people don’t remember anything before age 3, so this can’t be the case for all
Everyone always talks about these young people as “they are violent”, “they cry a lot”. But what does this actually entail, and more importantly what are people doing to help them. Surely If these children are as mentally ill as everyone makes them out to be, it’s going to be far more traumatic degrading to their self esteem to keep reminding them of the negatives. Wouldn’t it be better to try and get them into an activity Eg Musical instrument, Dance, Football Ect
Can anyone tell me a happy ending of an adult on the care system?
I just feel that everyone looks down on these people. No other child with mental health is, so why are these children.

Really don’t mean to look nieve, but I just feel that these kids are trated like potential murderers, and when they do something wrong, Its because they where born from the devil,

(And I have herd people say that)

pups I don't think anyone is looking down on these DC. But it is important to acknowledge that for many DC in the care system they have experienced significant truama and this can have long term emotional and behavioural effects.
It is thought that truama can start to impact before DC are even born so even if DC don't remember early truama it does still impact them. DC vary and some are much more resiliant than others, research is being undertaken to try and work out why.
DC in care benefit from activities in the same way as all other DC do but overcoming early truama can take years of intensive support.

I was 9 months old when my mother abandoned me, she was neither an ally or druggie and as far as I'm aware a perfectly normal baby however 3 families turned me down for adoption

1. Because of the shape of my head that obviously meant "I was a little bit spastic"

1. My feet turned in

1. They wanted a blonde blue eyed baby

So I ended up spending 17 years in a children's home, it was hell on earth and I wouldn't wish my childhood on my worst enemy, thankfully as an adult there is nothing wrong with my head nor am I "a little bit spastic", my feet are quite normal and dont turn in, and lastly I'm blonde with blue eyes ..

Maybe if potential adopters weren't so choosy and wanting their perfect baby social services wouldn't have to be so thorough in their screening and so weeding out the numpties that I was involved with.

I always thought I was hard done by, but reading the op I think I got off lucky, I could never have come up to jojobears standards

@dreichhighlands I do regret using the word Everyone. Selfishly, I am just really interested to know what kind of behaviour these kids show that isn’t normal. Eg do they cry everytime the strictly come dancing thing plays, or do they attack a dog if they see one ( please note I am using these as examples. I am not suggesting that these are symptoms of trauma- thanks

@DimplesToadfoot
Sorry to hear that. SS Should not allow these sorts of people to adopt.

People do realise that there is no such thing as a perfect baby.

I don't think 'just adopting' is a magical cure to infertility. but its also not an impossible hill to climb either. i'm an adoptive parent and whilst it was the hardest thing i've ever done, it was also the best thing i've ever done. i have 2 biological children and 2 adoptive children. they were adopted siblings at 15 and 4 months respectively. so, whilst i totally understand the frustration at being told to 'just' adopt for those with fertility issues, i really wish its something more parents would consider.

Im also a product of the care system as i was in foster care on and off from age 5. most of my friends who grew up in care are perfectly normal humans. no more or less messed up than those who didn't. the idea that all kids in care are traumatised and mentally ill is a ridiculous stereotype.

the idea that all kids in care are traumatised and mentally ill is a ridiculous stereotype

That’s what I thought. Obviously some will. But people make it out out to be EVERYONE. It’s the equivalent of me saying “All Muslims are Sexist” or “everyone on Benefits are lazy”- it just isn’t true!

YANBU it’s infuriating. It’s a complex thing. One of the worst things about fertility issues is other people’s stupidity and thoughtlessness. I’ve seen a different side to a lot of people

@Topseyt totally this. Some people think you go to the baby supermarket and pick. Blue eyes? Tall? Etc!

@WhoatemyLindtbunny this! It was on the tip of my tongue to say to my MIL

I knew one lovely couple who separated after trying unsuccessfully to get approved as potential adopters, so I think YANBU. Neither of them had any criticisms of the process - they agreed that it has to be that rigorous in the child's best interests - but it was far more intrusive and put their relationship under more stress than they had ever expected. Maybe IVF would have put their relationship under equal strain, but the process of being assessed as potential adopters stirred up some very specific traumas (the wife had a history of depression stemming from a horrific thing that happened to her as a teenager: the husband had a lot of guilt that his chronic health problems - which resulted from an accident that nearly killed him - might prevent them adopting).

Besides, an adopted child needs and deserves a parent who wants to adopt, not one who wants a biological child and is still grieving for their inability to have one. Not that people can't go through the grieving process and subsequently become excellent adoptive parents. But they're not going to be able to flick a switch just like that because some smug idiot who thinks they've invented the wheel says "Why don't you just adopt?"

https://fosteringandadoption.rip.org.uk/topics/early-childhood-trauma/

pups some of impacts are discussed here.

The whole adoption process seems like a terrifyingly intrusive process. Which makes sense but certainly makes me realise it's not an easy peasy route to parenthood. People who imply it's as easy as choosing a new sofa are complete and utter morons.

@dreichhighlands Thanks for the link

YANBU OP, but I've never actually heard anyone say this irl, surely most people unless they are pretty stupid are aware that a), adoption is a complicated and challenging process and b), women struggling to conceive will presumably have considered adoption already.

@DimplesToadfoot

I am so sincerely sorry if I’ve upset you.
I wasn’t saying that I was looking for the “perfect baby”. What I was saying is that SS will not just hand over a baby to families. There are not lots of babies sitting waiting for adoption. BecAuse lots of the children looking for homes have complex needs, the process is very very tough and rigorous.

I hear a lot of people claim trauma but most people don’t remember anything before age 3

It's called attachment disorder.

'Attachment disorder is a broad term intended to describe disorders of mood, behavior, and social relationships arising from a failure to form normal attachments to primary care giving figures in early childhood. Such a failure would result from unusual early experiences of neglect, abuse, abrupt separation from caregivers between 6 months and three years of age, frequent change or excessive numbers of caregivers, or lack of caregiver responsiveness to child communicative efforts resulting in a lack of basic trust.[1] A person's attachment style is permanently established before the age of three.'
en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_disorder

YANBU. I have a relative who is expecting a baby by surrogate. I know this is hugely frowned upon and potentially ethically problematic but I think I would have done the same thing if I'd experienced infertility.

Just popping in, as an adoptive parent, like I always do when there’s one of these threads, to say please can we stop with the gross generalisations of children who have experienced birth family trauma and the care system. It is a dreadful prejudice against people who are out there trying to live their lives like anyone else.

They are children, with all of the diversity that comes with being a child. There is a tone to this thread, like there always is, of adopted children being somehow damaged goods that people would be mad to consider having in their lives. Yes, some have really significant issues and are a struggle to parent. Some have moderate issues, like lots of birth kids. And others are pretty straightforward. Mine, so far, fall into the latter camp, but should that change in future, I’d cope with it, and they wouldn’t stop being the most amazing children in the entire world.

And the process is really ok these days.

Thanks to Owlbethere and Pupsandkittens for sharing their perspective, I know I’m just saying the same thing. I just thought I’d join in with a parent’s voice.

I'm an adoptive patent here, mine were nearly school age and do remember life before us. It took years to have my children through paperwork and involved many friends and family giving up their time to make it happen.
My children have emotional and physical needs but on the other hand they are wonderful and worth every sleepless night and extra support they need. But it's not for everyone.

I’m so glad people are talking about this! Through my 20-year struggle (I still live in hope...) to become a mother I have heard this over and over again. Like it’s the magic solution. Like you can just call social services and they’ll deliver a newborn to your house like it’s an Amazon package. Most children needing families are older children, with a lot of emotional damage, and in sibling groups. Very often childless people are not the best match for such children. Adoption is about putting the needs of the child over the wants of the would-be parent.