To think that it's unkind to leave one person out?

[Mammyloveswine]

So I work in a small team of 6, i considered us to be a close team and friends. We have a WhatsApp group and all message everyday. One of the staff had a big birthday today. I tried to arrange a little lunch out to celebrate this week but not everyone could make it so I sorted a collection from everyone and also bought a gift just from me. I knew birthday girl was having a day/night out to celebrate today "with close family and friends" and knew that 2 other members of our team were going. All fine. They are close friends. Anyway I've just received a photo to our WhatsApp group of our whole team (not just the ones that I know are really close) who are all out on the town together celebrating. I wasn't invited and the others never mentioned they were going when we were discussing weekend plans.

I know that it's her choice to invite who she wants but I considered her a friend! In fact she messaged me last night thanking me for being such a good friend lately! For the whole team to have been invited but not me just makes me feel like crap. How can you just leave one person out?

The rational side of me says to not overthink it and it's probably nothing personal but part of me feels like I'm back at school again! I just feel really hurt!

AIBU to think that it's a little bit mean to invite all but one person?

I really can’t get my mind round this type of behaviour.

I mean do they think that everything will carry on as normal on Monday.

Do they think you will carry on being everyone’s friend.

Knock that on the head for a start.

I’d leave the WhatsApp group. Don’t flounce, just silently delete. I hope they’re all so sick in the morning; spiteful, nasty, mean girls.

Plain horrid
I would WhatsApp the group- all of them....

write
' hope the night was fun? I would have loved to have joined you/been invited X'

Yep, Pasaggrev stuff, but that way they will all know how you feel and I would sit back and wait for an explanation - or an excuse-or whatever- and then be polite but less keen to keep it glued ! Good luck and you are so entitled to feel hurt.

Aww that's really fucking nasty of them OP. Sadly I've seen a few of these threads so it does seem to happen a lot. It doesn't make it right though.

Very nasty of them Op. Really feel for you but think your message and you proposed approach sounds good.

If as you say, you are known at work (in a good way) as everyone's friend, then most likely explanation is that the colleague whose birthday it is, is envious of your popularity and has tried to marginalise you. That's frequently the motivation in these kind of scenarios

So sorry. Xx

Really shitty thing to do to you.

I'd leave the WhatsApp group. I wouldn't say anything, just leave. This was a nasty, spiteful thing to do and I wouldn't want to have to constantly be stiff upper lip Brit about it.

Oh I'm sorry this happened to you :(

I had a similar experience recently so know how you're feeling OP.

Unless you think there really is the possibility of this being a genuine mistake, I wouldn't bother asking. It's highly unlikely you will het a truthful response.

Hold your head up high and don't show you're bothered. Be professional but keep your distance from now on. Never forget that these people aren't your friends and put your energies into your real friends instead.

If anything is said at work to you on Monday just say loud and clear that at least you now know where you stand with them, as colleagues and not as friends.

If you feel like being really passive aggressive leave a sachet of Alka Seltzer on each of their desks as ‘You will need it after Saturday’. Head tilt and walk away.

You could always message to say I'm sorry I couldnt come, if not I'm sorry I wasnt there!
shame her

Perhaps she went over the limit on numbers, she did say you were a good friend op

Eleanor how likely is that?

I'm sorry this has happened to you but sometimes, even if you think you're very self aware, you just don't really appreciate your place in a group and clearly you read this one wrong.
It's horrible but these people aren't your friends, they're workmates you occasionally socialise with and within that group there are friendships that don't include you.

There's nothing you can do about it and any advice on here about asking directly why you were excluded is a waste of time because they won't actually believe they've excluded you. They won't feel bad about it because they're not aware they did anything wrong.

Also posters saying anyone is envious or jealous of you are completely barking up the wrong tree. It seems to be a go to explanation on here in a misguided attempt to make people feel better but it's very rarely the case.

Start spending more time with non work people and be professional and accept they're colleagues, nothing more.

I think she. At e said OP was a good friend k knowing about the night out. Horrid behaviour and I wish people stopped for a second to ask themselves how they’d feel if tables were turned ...

It's easy to write on WhatsApp "you're a good friend" but actions speak louder than words, her actions show she's anything but.

Also posters saying anyone is envious or jealous of you are completely barking up the wrong tree. It seems to be a go to explanation on here in a misguided attempt to make people feel better but it's very rarely the case.

This is such a good point. I think people say it because it’s what they’ve been conditioned to automatically think when kids, or they, were bullied at school. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard ‘they’re just jealous’ with no evidence at all to support that statement. And it continues into adulthood: it’s the first thing people think of, to try make the victim feel better and like they have something on the bully. But it’s rarely, really rarely true. And when it’s true it’s evident and there are clear reasons to believe that.

I do wish people wouldn’t insult someone’s intelligence and let nasty people off the hook with the whole ‘they’re just jealous of you’ line, it convinces nobody!

It's hard when people you think are friends turn out to be just colleagues.

A night out was organised for about 15 of us for a meal and then drinks in a few local pubs. Some were only staying for the early meal then rushing off home to children.

During the meal about 10 of them announced they had taxis booked to take them in to the city. That left 2 of us at about 7.30 pm to enjoy our 'staff night out'

We decided just to go home. I felt really hurt that they'd organised all this without breathing a word. People I thought of as friends and I'd spoken to about looking forward to the night out - not a word breathed that it wasn't going to be as planned.

I was very cool towards them all after the weekend.

It's a horrible feeling OP

If you leave the WhatsApp group, it will say ‘op left the group’ and that might be what they want given what they did . I would stay on it but don’t contribute. Then leave at a later date possibly.

Oh op this has happened to me twice... it's very hard not to take it personally. The first time it was my whole work group, they all said they weren't doing anything that Friday night and I went out for dinner and bumped into them all at the cinema, then turned up in the same restaurant a bit later. It was so grim.
Second time I was involved in setting up a mums group, had thought it fizzled out but when I was at a friends house I saw her WhatsApp alert on her phone flash up with the name of the group- they'd obviously made a duplicate group without me.

Since that I've pulled right back and have concentrated on my family and other friends because I know their true colours now.

Really awful behaviour. Some people have no manners at all.
I would keep the whats app group; if this behaviour spills over into the workplace, and I sincerely hope it doesn’t, it might be useful to have something to show your manager or HR what the origin of it was.

It's very unkind and something I thought everyone knew was unkind.
I was taught from a young age I wasn't to leave just 1 person out. Unfortunately I've found out in adult life not everyone was taught this.
It's madness that she wouldn't realise it would upset you. I'd distance myself from someone so I considerate.

Are you their boss ? It's not kind. --

I have had this, but I did act a bit aloof and I think people find me unfriendly I'm a bit shy. Once I started getting left out I acted more like I wasn't interested or was already busy that's why I didn't come wasn't actually invited again.