To think that it's unkind to leave one person out?

[Mammyloveswine]

So I work in a small team of 6, i considered us to be a close team and friends. We have a WhatsApp group and all message everyday. One of the staff had a big birthday today. I tried to arrange a little lunch out to celebrate this week but not everyone could make it so I sorted a collection from everyone and also bought a gift just from me. I knew birthday girl was having a day/night out to celebrate today "with close family and friends" and knew that 2 other members of our team were going. All fine. They are close friends. Anyway I've just received a photo to our WhatsApp group of our whole team (not just the ones that I know are really close) who are all out on the town together celebrating. I wasn't invited and the others never mentioned they were going when we were discussing weekend plans.

I know that it's her choice to invite who she wants but I considered her a friend! In fact she messaged me last night thanking me for being such a good friend lately! For the whole team to have been invited but not me just makes me feel like crap. How can you just leave one person out?

The rational side of me says to not overthink it and it's probably nothing personal but part of me feels like I'm back at school again! I just feel really hurt!

AIBU to think that it's a little bit mean to invite all but one person?

Also are they all single ?

Some people are such bitches. I'm 40 and I've had similar and it still hurts amd makes you question yourself a lot.

Just retreat from the group and delete yourself from the WhatsApp group. I wouldn't confront them as you'll just made out to be unreasonable and mad and then they will bitch about you.

G

I can’t bear this behaviour in the office. It’s happened to me in the past and whilst I wasn’t keen on my ex-colleagues anyway, and wouldn’t have gone, it was awkward to hear them discussing arrangements in front of me with no invite. YADNBU, and I wouldn’t be making any extra effort with any of them. Their behaviour says a lot more about them than it does you.

I'm everybody's friend and can always be relied upon!

Knock that on the head.Be professional but i wouldnt be oing anything extra for any of them from now on.

People can be so bloody nasty! I'd be desperate to say something but wouldn't feel able to

Wait and see what gets said/posted today....at some point I'd have to make a snide/passive comment about the gift.

"Well that was a waste of a £10/20!"

No doubt a whole bullshit story will evolve.

I would be hurt. I wouldn't do anything. I'd just subtly distance myself from the group very slowly over time.

There is a lady in my office that I’m not particularly keen on ( she’s overbearing) and I wouldn’t socialise with her through choice but if I were inviting everyone else there’s no way I’d exclude her - and 30 people is a big group so you could easily avoid someone if they weren’t your cup of tea. I don’t think it was a simple oversight either because when you were discussing weekend plans surely they would have said “ We’re off to Brenda’s do.... see you there “ or “ aren’t you coming”? I don’t understand the photo though.... who was it intended for ? Surely they are not that vile as to deliberately post a photo on your group thread when you are the only one not there? I think I’d find it difficult to be anything other than completely mute with them tomorrow.

On Monday I’d be finding whoever is organizing the next work social event (that you’ve paid for already) and asking for my money back citing workplace exclusion, but I fucking hate Mean Girls! (It’s just happened to me, OP, and it hurts - they’re all acting as though none of them would possibly be cruel, and it must be me imagining things like being removed from the Facebook messenger group. I’m 47 and thought this shit was left behind years ago!!!)

I think the photo was posted without thinking. Probably too drunk and forgot the event was meant to be secret.

Keep the WhatsApp open and if there is an explanation on Monday before they start to spin their tale of lies I would make a comment along the lines of

Here it comes

Or

This is going to be a good story

Then I would freeze them out till you quietly find another job.

How horrible of them.

I would really cool off from them from now on if I was you. I wouldn't ask or engage in talks of the evening.

Sadly, at the end of the day what's done is done and there is nothing they can say to ease your shock and hurt from being excluded. And so I think it's always best to take the "I don't give a damn" approach.

Hope you're feeling better today OP.

I don’t understand the photo though.... who was it intended for ?

As a way of sharing with everyone I'm guessing-so they get a copy.

Then I would freeze them out till you quietly find another job

Wow, that’s extreme! Would people really leave a job they otherwise enjoyed over something like this? This was hurtful, very, but ultimately you’re at work to work and earn a living to sustain yourself, the social aspect is very much secondary.

I cant believe some people are trying to justify this.

For example at my DBs work place there five of them, they all get along really well except for one guy who no one likes because he's rude, arrogant and tries to boss everyone about (been there longer than the rest of them). However he is never excluded and is always invited to work socials. In fact two of them have got married over the last few years and he was invited to both weddings despite not being liked. He never attends anything, but they still ask because they are not a bunch of nasty cunts who enjoy excluding people like the OPs work colleagues.

I wouldn't leave the WhatsApp group or u friend on FB for now (don't let them think you care), but I would distance myself massively from now on and stop being so 'reliable'.

Even though it says more about them than you, it's still a horrible feeling

Leave the group. I actually think it's important you send a message here. You are kind and everyone's friend to the point that they think you're a walkover.

Still be friendly in work - but distant. Don't go to events or organise collections. These people are not your friends.

Hope you’re ok today and go out for a lovely lunch

OP, they are absolute fuckers of the highest order. What a shitty, horrible thing for them to do. Be happy in the knowledge that you are a decent and thoughtful person who would not treat others like that. Go to work on Monday and be professional but distance yourself because they are not worth having as friends and they do not deserve your friendship either.

I would presume that the photo was put on the wrong WhatsApp group in error. Hopefully they have a conscience and realise now that you know and not just walk into work tomorrow and act like nothing happened.

"Also posters saying anyone is envious or jealous of you are completely barking up the wrong tree. It seems to be a go to explanation on here in a misguided attempt to make people feel better but it's very rarely the case."

We will have to agree to differ. Since the above was posted both Divebar and Ohnotanothernamechange have posted about analagous work situations where despite one colleague being quite challenging (overbearing etc) the work team bite the bullet and don't exclude them from social events when it would mean leaving that one colleague out. Hence despite good reason not to, in the interests of harmony the 'problem' colleague is never excluded.

In this scenario the OP isn't even a problem colleague and appears to get on well with her colleagues. Why then would she be excluded - what could be the motivation? Actually it is sometimes envy - there is a reason we are told this as kids. It is suprising how many insecure people there are with low self esteem who dislike friendly, confident and accomplished peers. Particularly noteworthy is that this was a birthday celebration hence one specific colleague had the power to determine invitees and the op was excluded. This was not a group decision but an individual decision. The OP is invited to the other up and coming work social event where there isn't one person determining who is to be included.

I would look specifically at this colleague as the reason for this scenario and reflect upon her possible motives.

The above was to Elliebellbell and JemimaPuddlePeacock

or below - depending on whether you flip the thread!

I'd leave the whatsapp now.

Then I'd text the Birthday girl before tomorrow and say:
Hi X, just to let you know I've been really upset that I wasn't even given the option of going to your party. I organized your actual collection in work and always saw you as a friend. To see that absolutely everybody else had gone apart from me left me bewildered and thinking you don't like me or I'd done something to offend you. You were obviously under no obligation to invite me but to find out via our whatsapp, which I thought was our friendship group, has been really hurtful.

Then go in on Monday and concentrate on your work. Be ok with everyone but pull right back. No more organizing everything and being everyone's friend. But at the same time don't be passive and treat it as a joke and you don't mind if someone brings it up and don't say it looked fun. Just be quiet.

Sound like a bunch of arseholes.

I'm really hoping there's a reasonable explanation, but for the life of me I can't imagine what that might be.

We once had a situation where one person was accidentally left out of an email chain of about 15 people arranging a work night out. It was only a few days before when I asked her what she was planning to wear, that we realised it had totally passed her by. She really thought it had been done on purpose and didn't come.

Yes. Just keep yourself very busy at work.