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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that it's unkind to leave one person out?

606 replies

Mammyloveswine · 20/07/2019 17:37

So I work in a small team of 6, i considered us to be a close team and friends. We have a WhatsApp group and all message everyday. One of the staff had a big birthday today. I tried to arrange a little lunch out to celebrate this week but not everyone could make it so I sorted a collection from everyone and also bought a gift just from me. I knew birthday girl was having a day/night out to celebrate today "with close family and friends" and knew that 2 other members of our team were going. All fine. They are close friends. Anyway I've just received a photo to our WhatsApp group of our whole team (not just the ones that I know are really close) who are all out on the town together celebrating. I wasn't invited and the others never mentioned they were going when we were discussing weekend plans.

I know that it's her choice to invite who she wants but I considered her a friend! In fact she messaged me last night thanking me for being such a good friend lately! For the whole team to have been invited but not me just makes me feel like crap. How can you just leave one person out?

The rational side of me says to not overthink it and it's probably nothing personal but part of me feels like I'm back at school again! I just feel really hurt!

AIBU to think that it's a little bit mean to invite all but one person?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 20/07/2019 22:22

Just awful OP.
So mean.
So unkind.

As suggested above I would NOT leave the What'sapp group.

Just mute it.

Allow yourself to be hurt.
It must really sting.

Go in Monday with a calm head.

Personally, I wouldn't ask. I'd just leave it, but I wouldn't lift a finger to assist her in any way. Not your problem.

I think if you really need to say anything, it would be best to be absolutely calm, no hurt or emotion.

Just ask "is there a reason you excluded me from Saturday night?"

Whatever the answer, she is no longer a friend and I wouldn't in any shape or form help or entertain her in the office.

Strictly polite and professional is the way to go.

She may well have set up a separate What'sapp group for this party.

Whatever about the rest of the crew in the office.

She is a very mean person.

I'm glad you have a nice supportive husband with you.

Flupibass · 20/07/2019 22:22

I feel for you op, maybe have a bit of time off from social media? It hasn’t done you much good . Are you sure you are not overthinking it? Are the 2 new colleagues the type to invite themselves at the last minute?

hibbledibble · 20/07/2019 22:24

Wow.

I would hope that this is somehow a mistake, perhaps they thought they had invited you? Perhaps you missed an invite?

Otherwise it seems very cruel.

helpmeiamatoad · 20/07/2019 22:25

I am upset on your behalf OP! Please do ask them about it, make them squirm!

tinkerbellla · 20/07/2019 22:26

They sound like dicks. I'd feel rubbish too. You husband sounds really sweet though so just focus on the good and distance yourself away from those awful people 😘xxx

littleyellowwellies · 20/07/2019 22:31

Ooof I don't think I could stop myself asking the birthday girl if I had offended her!!

SuzieQQQ · 20/07/2019 22:32

I’d definitely text “thanks for the invite” then never do anything with them again. They sound like absolute CFs

Cocoabutterformula · 20/07/2019 22:35

Really thinking of you OP, such awful behavior, unbelievably hurtful.

Original poster
Mammyloveswine · 20/07/2019 22:40

Thank you again everyone! Not heard anything else so will see what tomorrow and then Monday brings!!

Also made plans for a few catch ups with my real friends over the coming few weeks!

OP posts:
Janella · 20/07/2019 22:40

That's really rotten of them to do that. I'd be tempted to just read any group WhatsApp messages when they pop up as alerts from now on rather than opening them in the app. That way they can't tell whether or not you've read their messages. And, as others suggest, be polite and professional but distance yourself from them.

I had something slightly similar a few years ago. In time I felt able to ask one group member why I'd been excluded. Turns out she had felt awful when she'd realised and didn't understand why, either. As more time passed she and two others also distanced themselves from the 'ring leader'. It helped me a little to see that it wasn't everyone thinking I was a dick and me being oblivious. At the time I just smiled and tried to rise above it, determined not to show the ring leader that I was hurt. Maybe your two new colleagues also felt bad about your exclusion - they sound like they were trying to spare your feelings so I'd take that as them not thinking of you negatively. X

ifpossible · 20/07/2019 22:41

What an awful feeling - I can and certainly do sympathise Flowers

But - is there any chance at all there has been confusion and they might all be going why the hell did she (you) not bother her arse showing up but can whatsapp us? I hope there has been a genuine mix up for you Smile

tiredtrumpet · 20/07/2019 22:47

Unfortunately this happens quite often with grown adults!
I was excluded from a night out and the whole team were talking about what time to meet etc and one of them actually shssshhhd the others and looked at me. I said something, along the lines of enjoy your night etc, but I was so hurt. That was nearly 10 years ago! I never found out why other than they just didn't like me.
This year DH and I were the only people from a friend group that were not invited to a wedding, just the night party. It was DH good friend and he was so hurt as well.
Then just an hour ago I look on Facebook and again we are the only ones from the same friend group who haven't been invited to a big birthday party BBQ, and there's loads of pictures and gooey statuses about good friends. I'm starting to think somethings going on!

It hurts op, and I would definitely be inclined to say something, politely and in an aloof fashion if possible, otherwise you will always wonder why.

My only thought here is that the two new colleagues were out and bumped into them maybe? So I wouldn't say "I was excluded and hurt" just on the off chance they did bump into each other and you don't come off well.

Jojobears · 20/07/2019 22:50

Awww.... hugs.... this sort of thing has happened to me at work too. And it’s really shit.

Keep your head held high and be polite and professional but nothing more.

Hugs xx

LittleAndOften · 20/07/2019 22:54

I would honestly leave the WhatsApp group and unfriend them all on fb. Life's too short for social media to have that much power. If I was important to them then let them reach out to me, in person not through messages.

Don't reach out to them OP. They know what they've done. Be strong, be brave and be civil. One of them will crack and approach you.

namechanged2000 · 20/07/2019 22:54

That's so shit op.

Cocoabutterformula · 20/07/2019 22:58

They might not all have realised though until they got there - I wouldn't necessarily assume they're all in on it, def wasn't the case with my example - others were embarrassed/confused as to why I hadn't been asked. It's horrible Sad

ChangedNameForToday · 20/07/2019 23:01

If it was me I'd have to say something. I'd probably try and keep it light and breezy and make a joke out of it, but I'd have to try and find out why I was excluded.

It sounds like you're very well liked at work an have a good relationship with the birthday girl so I do wonder whether there's been some mistake.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 20/07/2019 23:07

I was explaining to DD this week why she had to invite the whole class or a handful, but it was mean to leave one or two out. She’s going to be 5 and seemed to understand. I don’t know what this lot’s problem is.

crankysaurus · 20/07/2019 23:07

Monday morning... "That's fine, you saved me the awkwardness of excusing myself from hanging out with you fuckers".

MamaOfBothTeams · 20/07/2019 23:16

I feel for you OP, been there before and it's horrible Thanks

CherrySocks · 20/07/2019 23:21

Isn't there any possibility it was a mistake and that they all thought you'd been invited?

LandlordWoes · 20/07/2019 23:21

Bless you OP, YANBU at all. Definitely confront the birthday girl in some way. Flowers

Star81 · 20/07/2019 23:23

I would be extremely hurt by that. It all just sounds so thoughtless and unnecessary. Keep your head up on Monday - at least you know they are all just colleagues and not friends now and don’t go out your way to be the helpful and reliable one anymore.

washtheporridgepan · 20/07/2019 23:30

Similar thing happened to me too OP. I commented on their pic (just a champagne glasses emoji!) and one of the girls said ooh you’ll have to come next time Mrs. Er, I’d have come this time if you’d bloody mentioned it to me!!!! Hope it’s not too awkward on Monday at work...

Destinesia · 20/07/2019 23:37

See what Monday brings and how they are with you, act normally. I think that even if you ask her why, you won't get an honest answer and she'll just make something up.

Do you have any holiday booked? I'd use this as the time to remove myself from the WhatApp group plus any others that aren't doing anything for me and have a general social media spring clean.

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