To think that it's unkind to leave one person out?

[Mammyloveswine]

So I work in a small team of 6, i considered us to be a close team and friends. We have a WhatsApp group and all message everyday. One of the staff had a big birthday today. I tried to arrange a little lunch out to celebrate this week but not everyone could make it so I sorted a collection from everyone and also bought a gift just from me. I knew birthday girl was having a day/night out to celebrate today "with close family and friends" and knew that 2 other members of our team were going. All fine. They are close friends. Anyway I've just received a photo to our WhatsApp group of our whole team (not just the ones that I know are really close) who are all out on the town together celebrating. I wasn't invited and the others never mentioned they were going when we were discussing weekend plans.

I know that it's her choice to invite who she wants but I considered her a friend! In fact she messaged me last night thanking me for being such a good friend lately! For the whole team to have been invited but not me just makes me feel like crap. How can you just leave one person out?

The rational side of me says to not overthink it and it's probably nothing personal but part of me feels like I'm back at school again! I just feel really hurt!

AIBU to think that it's a little bit mean to invite all but one person?

Good luck op 🍀

I hope there is an innocent explanation (newbies meeting up by accident, etc). If not, look after yourself. You don't owe them anything and you can have a professional relationship without being friends.

Also, definitely don't organise any more collections.

This happens throughout life. Primary school, secondary school right through to "grown up" workplaces and then just wait for the school gate! I've even heard about someone being upset about being left out of activities by the "cool gang" in a posh retirement village.

I remember many years ago in a job I had to go back to the office for some reason after work and found to my astonishment a large group - who I considered to be my friends - massed to go on a birthday night out. Some were really embarrassed and obviously felt bad about it, but I could see that the ringleaders (aka cool people) were revelling in the awkwardness. I figured the reason was that the boss had clocked me as being very good at my job and I had a promotion.

As per Singin' in the Rain, "Dignity, always dignity". Straight back, head held high, cordial greetings, head down and get on with work.

Good luck today @Mammyloveswine!

Keep that chin held high!

What complete bitches. A similar thing happened to me and it turned out excluding me was all instigated by my manager. Its gobsmacking that such mean behaviour exists between grown women.

Hope it goes well. Don't be nervous.. Hold your head high and keep the upper hand.

If it were me today I’d be professional and polite but that’s it. If you get a chance to mention it via an opening in a conversation then do it matter of factly. For example ‘Jane’ who lives near you says ‘it cost so much to get home after ‘louise’s’ party’ and you can say ‘well you could have shared a cab with me if I’d been invited’. Otherwise don’t bother. You could follow up with a jokey ‘that was brutal’ so they know how you feel without a big show on your part.
It’s tough but you have to work with them, so the advice to be professional, but not make any extra effort is what I’d do. Up to you on the WhatsApp. I’d probably mute to start with and see what plays out.
Remember the core issue is with the birthday girl not inviting you. Your other colleagues may be very uncomfortable about it. Try not to get ahead of yourself.
Still horrible and I’ll think of you today. Good luck.

Hope it goes OK today

I'd be professional but distant. No way I'd be friendly. The texts you sent were way too nice!

Sending you strength and good vibes this morning @Mammyloveswine

Thinking of you today OP, keep your head held high x

Op - Sorry that this happened to you.
I’m clinging to the hope that it was all in error and BG thought you’d been invited.
Please update us this eve?

Feel for you OP.

Like a bunch of teenage girls on social media.

Just cut them out. Unfollow them on the various platforms they’re on, leave the WhatsApp group and just be professional at work. Do you job and then go home to your DH and your real life.

It’s a shame, but there you go.

Please don't use any of the passive aggressive comments being suggested here!

Really not worth the bother.

What a bitch. I would have to have a quiet word with one of the others to gauge what had happened (eg did they just.bump into each other, unlikely but possible). I wouldnt bother doing anything nice for the team again. Maybe the "birthday girl" asked everyone to keep it quiet so it could be that the others felt uncomfortable about it, so it might not be that the others did it deliberately. No thats really bad but please dont let it affect you too much, ive been there and wish i hadnt let it bother me.

Say nothing. Keep your dignity. People do this to get a reaction. Don’t give them one. Your silence will drive them nuts.

Actually on second thoughts I probably wouldn’t say anything even if a chance came up. As a pp said passive aggressive comments lower yourself and in a work situation it’s better to be professional.

You sound like you have a great husband and friends so give them your energy and thoughtfulness.

Since getting older, wiser, more assertive after years of being a people pleaser my favourite phrase is "speak the truth and shame the devil". Meaning, ifyou dont mention it and seem like youre ok with it they've got away with it. Shitty people like do things to the nice, amiable people as they know they won't get any shit back. Prove them wrong and mention to some/all of them so word gets round you are not happy. Why should you make their life easier by pretending nothing has happened

Aroundnabout1 I’d normally agree, but the complication is having to work with them day in day out.

Hope it’s been a mix up
If not I would ask why

Good luck today x

I hate things like this so much . Just nasty and no need for it other than to make you feel shit 💐 I hope you've made them feel awkward as fuck today but judging by the brass necks they've already shown I don't think they would give a shit xx

Good luck today xx

It could be that its a casual remark and others were there and decided to tag along at their own costs and pass the word around but somehow it missed you?

I would say best way to be is to not act phased at all. Don't go out of your way to be friendly but just get on with your work and be civil. But going forward make no effort other than basic friendlyness. You don't need the awful mind games in a place you work day to day. It will be refreshing to see it just as work and keep social life separate. I've definitely worked in a place like this with a group of women and the way they bitched about each other, I had no doubt I would be getting spoken about just as much when I wasn't there. It is sad and probably brewed out of boredom.

A PP mentioned a retirement village and having clique issues. This is so true. I work with the elderly and was shocked to see the same playground politics even in assisted living accommodation! It's put me off ever staying in one when I'm older. I'm sure they aren't all like that though.