To think that it's unkind to leave one person out?

[Mammyloveswine]

So I work in a small team of 6, i considered us to be a close team and friends. We have a WhatsApp group and all message everyday. One of the staff had a big birthday today. I tried to arrange a little lunch out to celebrate this week but not everyone could make it so I sorted a collection from everyone and also bought a gift just from me. I knew birthday girl was having a day/night out to celebrate today "with close family and friends" and knew that 2 other members of our team were going. All fine. They are close friends. Anyway I've just received a photo to our WhatsApp group of our whole team (not just the ones that I know are really close) who are all out on the town together celebrating. I wasn't invited and the others never mentioned they were going when we were discussing weekend plans.

I know that it's her choice to invite who she wants but I considered her a friend! In fact she messaged me last night thanking me for being such a good friend lately! For the whole team to have been invited but not me just makes me feel like crap. How can you just leave one person out?

The rational side of me says to not overthink it and it's probably nothing personal but part of me feels like I'm back at school again! I just feel really hurt!

AIBU to think that it's a little bit mean to invite all but one person?

I have recently had similar, very small team made worse by the fact it was during work hours and I only spoke to person concerned hours prior and asked them if they were going to a different teams event over lunch when they said no I said we should all catch up soon as we work very autonomously little did I know they were meeting up for just that, that very afternoon! I did intend to say something but person concerned is very deflective & though I found it upsetting I knew I'd come away feeling more annoyed that they couldn't put their hands up and say sorry, obviously didn't want me there, fine. Another colleague challenged it and asked where I was to be shrugged off with a 'well it's in my diary' - like I go through everyone's diary daily I find it odd but I'm not going to lose more sleep over it and don't expect the behaviour from grown adults, work is work I go there to get paid everything else about it is good. Hope it goes ok tomorrow op

Glad you enjoyed your friend time. Keep us updated.

Absolutely appalling ☹️

Ah OP, I've just come across this thread, what awful behaviour from them, you sound absolutely lovely!

Really hoping OP that this all just turns out to be a terrible misunderstanding.

I'm wondering if you were invited, but somehow missed it, and they all think you have deliberately not attended so their WA photo/comments were a sort of retaliation to what they perceive as a snub?

If not, it's really nasty.

Been here myself. Or I've been invited but then isolated & ignored on the actual night out to make it plainly obvious I was only making up numbers. I remember one girl deliberately leaving me out of her drinks rounds, even though I'd just bought the last round, and she simply rolled her eyes and said "ugh, I forgot about you!. You'll have to get your own!" and shoulder barged me. I'd never done a thing to this person.

Fingers crossed this wasn't deliberate OP as work will be so uncomfortable.

Oh this has made me feel so sad for you. I actually think you could approach tomorrow's inevitable meeting with colleagues in a rueful way. "Well, I'm feeling pretty paranoid after seeing everyone partying and I didn't get an invite." Open up the conversation, I'm truly hoping it was a horrible misunderstanding on their part.

How awful. I know that feeling when you find you've been left out at work and had no idea they didn't like you. Really hope tomorrow is ok for you x

Good luck for tomo

Thoroughly nasty behaviour. They should be ashamed. That doesn’t help you though and I’m not surprised you are upset. I feel for you. x

You said that you've helped her with her problems recently. I've forgotten exactly what you wrote.

Could it be possible that someone she complained about or has said too much about was out on Saturday night and she didn't want you to meet them?

OP it is a horrible feeling isn't it

I remember sitting in an open plan office. At the start of the week everyone else was quietly talking about meeting up at one persons house, what they were wearing what drinks to take, where to go, what to wear etc.

By the end of the week they had given up on the pretence and just discussed it openly.

As I left they asked if I was coming. After a whole week of them organising it with out asking me a question and then acted all shocked when I said erm no.

I was also asked to move when I sat down at the company Christmas party so others could sit where I was.

Then someone organised a BBQ. Again as I left they said you can come if you want, anyone else can give you my address.

Now I will have a laugh and a chat in the office but I never forget that none of these people is anything other than a work acquaintance and I don't put myself out any further than that for them.

So now I am an aloof bitch who they don't want there.

The funny thing is they are all so chummy face to face and really bitchy when not together. I wonder what they do say about me

100% you should leave the WhatsApp group. Don't need to make a big thing just exit and that will make the point that they have been unkind.

Is there any possibility at all that bday girl doesn’t know you’ve been left out, hence what appears to be the weird behaviour as in texting you one day and saying what a great friend you are and then leaving you out the next?

Could the family member or friend outside of work that organised it have contacted one of your colleagues and asked them to invite work people and that colleague has left you out?

And then bday girl has been told you said you couldn’t make it? Hence the “thanks” reply to you your message?

Just thinking out loud

I'm wondering if this could be all on the newbies?

Scenario 1- newbies are good friends themselves, happened to bump into the others and tagged along

Scenario 2- newbies were annoyed at not being invited, so deliberately went to the same place and gatecrashed.

Will you let us know what happens at work? x

Awful behaviour! Surely she just have meant to invite you. It makes no sense.

I was once left out of a bday party. Not really a big deal in the grand scheme of things. However, felt like a bit of a Billy no mates when everyone I knew was going. To make it worse, I was sent a message by a mutual friend asking if I wanted to chip in for a joint present. And someone else messaged to ask if I wanted to share a taxi to/from the party.

From experience, colleagues are not friends, you may think they are, have a good time together, think they’re hilarious and you all get on so well, but you’re all just people exchanging their labour for money in the same building. That’s all. There might be exceptions here who met their best friends via exchanging labour for money in the same building, but really colleagues are paid to tolerate each other during working hours, that’s it. It hurts like you’re 13 again when you’re discarded by colleagues but take it as a lesson.

Yes.. Op. Good luck for today.

Femodene,
Yes I agree with you .

That's really shit! Is there any way you were missed off the invitation list by mistake?

I'd try and say nothing and keep your dignity. See what starts to emerge when conversations start.

Seriously, rise above it.

Let’s be honest here this isn’t school or college or Uni we are discussing, this is OP in her job .
I do not wish to sound harsh or come across as rude or disrespectful but unfortunately this is life and especially in a work environment.
OP has 2 options in my opinion,

1. she asks the person directly face to face why she wasn’t invited. 2)She moves on from this and forgets about it.

I thought this type of behaviour stopped at school. I really feel for you OP and good luck for tomorrow

So sorry op, good luck tomorrow x

What mean, primary school behaviour. I cannot see how this was anything but deliberately hurtful. She is definitely no friend. The others may have been stuck between a rock and a hard place if they knew she did not want you there - although I am surprised not one of them had the gumption to let you know.

I would go in on Monday with my head held high, not mention it unless directly asked and be professional. You sound like a lovely friend and she sounds like a nasty piece of work who didnt deserve your friendship.