To think that it's unkind to leave one person out?

[Mammyloveswine]

So I work in a small team of 6, i considered us to be a close team and friends. We have a WhatsApp group and all message everyday. One of the staff had a big birthday today. I tried to arrange a little lunch out to celebrate this week but not everyone could make it so I sorted a collection from everyone and also bought a gift just from me. I knew birthday girl was having a day/night out to celebrate today "with close family and friends" and knew that 2 other members of our team were going. All fine. They are close friends. Anyway I've just received a photo to our WhatsApp group of our whole team (not just the ones that I know are really close) who are all out on the town together celebrating. I wasn't invited and the others never mentioned they were going when we were discussing weekend plans.

I know that it's her choice to invite who she wants but I considered her a friend! In fact she messaged me last night thanking me for being such a good friend lately! For the whole team to have been invited but not me just makes me feel like crap. How can you just leave one person out?

The rational side of me says to not overthink it and it's probably nothing personal but part of me feels like I'm back at school again! I just feel really hurt!

AIBU to think that it's a little bit mean to invite all but one person?

I may well be the only person who thinks they haven't done anything wrong.

I have various groups, and am in various groups, of friends, we don't invite everyone to everything for many reasons, and I would be really pissed off for being accused of workplace exclusion, bulling, nastiness etc, nor would I accuse anyone else of it either.

Sometimes you just know various people will clash, or the planned event isn't their thing, or you just fancy a wee break from that person or people for whatever reason.

It's fine, it happens, it isn't hurtful, just accept the invites offered if you wish to go, and don't sweat the ones you don't get invited to. You can't get invited to everything.

Just carry on as normal op. No big deal.

It is unkind and it may not be right but in one of your posts you indicated you are the boss. If that is the case then that is the reason you were not invited.

It doesn’t matter how nice you are some people will see you as very different. For me I never gave a monkeys who people were in any organisation I worked in. But as someone who people often confided in at work what I came to realise is that interactions were not always as they appeared.

Good luck tomorrow xx

I would keep her at arms length from now on she is not a friend if she didn't invite you

Jeez I would find it hard not to say something

Difficultpifcult sure if it wasn’t only one person being left out then I can see that point. But to invite everyone in the team except one person is inexcusable and there is no other word for her other than bi*tch.

I really feel for you, hope you enjoyed your lunch today. I'd keep myself to myself tomorrow and just be polite and professional but not particularly overfriendly and see if they ask what's wrong

Lemon you would be right if the team were not so small. But when there are only 6 you have to include everyone. If 20, you don't.

I remember a thread on here (end of 2017?) when someone worked in a similarly small team (garage?) and wasn't invited to a colleague's wedding and was the only one not invited.

Op, now you know where you stand with her, you don’t need to pretend to be friends, treat her as a work colleague only.

@Adversecamber22 not the boss, I've been there longest but am definitely not in charge and I certainly don't act like i am or try to be!

Oh well time to start winding down ready to go in tomorrow! Will update you all!

Ps I had a lovely lunch and was sure to share lots of photos of the great time I had! Was good to be with my wonderful friend! We laughed lots and giggled away like a pair of school kids! Just what I needed!

Thank you so much everyone who's commented! Lots of kind comments and helpful advice!

@VivaDixie I'm so sorry you are going through similar. It is a horrible, horrible feeling and I would never, ever treat anyone this way (even if I actively disliked them!).

This is very common and always about control.

She probably knew you are too classy to go out wearing a sash so didn’t want to offend you with an invitation

This has got to be some kind of mistake surely! If there was one member of my work group I didn't get along great with but I was inviting everyone else I would just invite them too. And in your situation it seems you get on okay. I genuinely believe this was some kind of mistake - you were invited but message got lost, she thought you were busy etc. or if she genuinely didn't invite you then be thankful you didn't go and dodged a bullet because I wouldn't want to be around someone like that.

Once I got married I got left out of work socials more and more, due to the rest of the team being young free and single. I wasn't old (25) but obviously I became a boring married type. I think they just assumed I was busy with DH.

This must have stung so much when you saw the photo of all your work colleagues.

I’ve had issues with work colleagues many, many years ago and it brought back that stomach churning sick feeling, of not knowing what you’d done to be excluded from the group.

I’m imagining that the two newbies were in the same location and tagged along. It’s got to be that!

You have to imagine that this is the case when you walk into work on Monday with your head held high! Don’t ask if you’ve done anything wrong, I’d mention first, something along the lines, ‘looks like you had a fab night, many bad heads on Sunday morning? Take a deep breath and remember, you have real friends outside of work and they’d never make you feel so shitty!

That’s really horrible. I feel for you. I’d back off from her now because she’s unkind

Op all of their behaviour is unforgivable and sending the photo just plain mean. This situation is difficult as you work together but I don't think that you can ever trust any of them again. And why demeanour yourself?
I have experienced similar and I have also been through this with my DS friends and their parents - they excluded him pretty much from day 1 of primary school and the only reason I can work.out is that they don't like me! Deep down I had the bad vibes from them but I never did anything wrong, was friendly etc but didn't try 'too hard', helpful, thoughtful but they basically just didn't like my face, it made them feel inferior. It took me nearly a year to find all of this out. They had been nice to me upfront but behind my back, it was a different story. I'll be honest, I am better looking than them, yet they are the ones who are shallow about it.
Be professional on Monday but don't do or say more than you need to. They will likely be waiting for your reaction so have a story ready of how you had a great weekend with friends and anticipate their questions. Don't ask anything about birthday girls night out. Never forget how they have treated you op and don't give them anymore of yourself, they've clearly burnt their bridges with you.

Is there any chance there may have been a misunderstanding as in she thought she had invited you but hadn't?
I can't see why anyone could be so unfeeling/ insensitive otherwise.
I'm sorry this happened to you.
I've had similar happen to me too and it does hurt no matter how you look at it.
I'm just wondering whether you didn't get the text she sent inviting you?

YANBU she is rude! Shocks how many people are like this nowadays! Get peed off if they aren’t invited to everything you do then bugger off out with a thought to include you. Has happened to me and has sadly resulted in me being very choosy with who I’m friends with

Or another thought, there are 6 in the team including OP and Birthday GIrl, OP said 2 others were special friends, so only another 2 involved. Could those two have invited themselves?

**ToftyAC

"That’s really unpleasant OP. In your position I would be hurt too. However, I’d breeze in on Monday like nothing ever happened. If someone does ask where you were then I’d say “I wasn’t invited”. Otherwise, I’d leave it. But.... I wouldn’t be helping them out again either or organising presents, etc. Do not let them think you’re a walkover anymore. Good luck"

Very good advice, and dignified. Good luck OP, you have been treated appallingly.

"I see cunty people, walking around like regular people, they don't even know they're cunts."
Some people are just cunts op. It's good to find out before you've invested loads in the friendship. Chin up tomorrow, just stop giving a crap about any of them or their actions, they're no reflection on you.

The school mums are like that around here 🙄 there’s a group of them that have a Whatsapp group and arrange nights out and exclude a few of us. 2 of the women in the WhatsApp group I would consider to be quite close friends, yet they never mention to me when these nights are planned, I just see photos of all the other Mums on a ‘Mum’s night out’ on Facebook the next day. I must admit it does sting and I find it hard to find peace of mind about. I hope you get some answers tomorrow.

So sorry you’ve been left out, OP. It sucks. I do hope it was some sort of miscommunication.

This happened to me a few times at school and it made me change my befriending habits. I try to have a lot of separate friendships now, and steer clear of groups. Probably not a very healthy way to be, to be honest. I have many many friends but no “gang”.