To think that it's unkind to leave one person out?

[Mammyloveswine]

So I work in a small team of 6, i considered us to be a close team and friends. We have a WhatsApp group and all message everyday. One of the staff had a big birthday today. I tried to arrange a little lunch out to celebrate this week but not everyone could make it so I sorted a collection from everyone and also bought a gift just from me. I knew birthday girl was having a day/night out to celebrate today "with close family and friends" and knew that 2 other members of our team were going. All fine. They are close friends. Anyway I've just received a photo to our WhatsApp group of our whole team (not just the ones that I know are really close) who are all out on the town together celebrating. I wasn't invited and the others never mentioned they were going when we were discussing weekend plans.

I know that it's her choice to invite who she wants but I considered her a friend! In fact she messaged me last night thanking me for being such a good friend lately! For the whole team to have been invited but not me just makes me feel like crap. How can you just leave one person out?

The rational side of me says to not overthink it and it's probably nothing personal but part of me feels like I'm back at school again! I just feel really hurt!

AIBU to think that it's a little bit mean to invite all but one person?

Seems very unkind.

Is there someone in the team you could ask what the story is? I'd have to find out if it was me ... maybe (probably more grasping) you missed a text / invite somehow?

They've been really badly behaved OP. Try to let anger be a more dominant emotion than hurt. My feelings would be really hurt, and I'd feel embarrassed and crap. However, this is really on them and not you, and you need to harness the anger to react to them in the way appropriate to their behaviour. Not raging anger, but be cross - they've been shits and shouldn't get to see you upset by them but instead should feel crap themselves.

Did the birthday girl message you in the group or a private message to say thanks for being a good friend etc?

I think you could reply to that message privately (quote it from a group message if needed) and say that you think it's really bad form and hurtful to exclude 1 person from the team. I wouldn't bother with any fishing questions, like "did I do something to upset you?" Etc?

Sorry OP you've been treated shittily

Limitsup

You're right, we will have to agree to differ.

When I get the vibe that someone doesn't like me I don't jump to the weird conclusion that they're jealous, it makes no sense. Similarly there are people I can't be bothered with, particularly at work, jealousy plays no part whatsoever, we just don't get on.

I find it very odd when people cite jealousy as a motive for bullying or exclusion. I see it every day because I work in a school. I see it with pupils and staff, trust me, no one is jealous, they just plain straight up can't stand some of their peers.

If a child is jealous or envious of a peer they're more likely to try and suck up, not bully.

Some people can't seem to accept that they're not part of the crowd and that sometimes people plain don't like you or want your company.

It's unpleasant and hurtful to the person left out but you can't make people like you, only hope that they're decent enough not to show it.

Limitt is spot on about envy and I will make the assumption that envy is the motivation here.

1. Birthday girl calls the shots on invites. You above everyone else took the lead in collection, personal gift and trying to organise a lunch for her, therefore, if another person in the team was responsible for your non-invite, she would be feeling mortified and guilty but instead, she placates you with a 'thanks for being a good friend' message to disarm you because she knows what's ahead and responds with a 'thank you!' as a full stop to enjoying the night out. She is shutting you down on the topic.

1. Other colleagues are in on it for now - she is clearly popular at the moment. This will change as her nature becomes clear and is viewed in different contexts. She is divisive and eventually it will move to someone else. This is why you must not change who you are in work to the others. Help birthday girl less (be subtle) but don't be distant to others. She will try to take no responsibility for her actions.

1. Monday...everybody will have had the brief from her and this is the important point: most people do not like lying. They will have been asked to cover her back. It will start to fall apart as your colleagues will be evasive (so as not to lie) - you already witnessed this. Let them sweat. Do not mention it but don't avoid it if it's brought up. Smile etc. Be the lovely person you are. The natural reaction would be to ask why you weren't there, but remember, they will have all had the brief. Be alert to what that brief is...they are probably waiting for you to mention it so they can get the lie over with (we thought you knew etc.), so don't. Let them sweat. They won't enjoy it.

1. The next birthday outing is the testing ground. The person who invited you to this is perhaps key to finding out the problem. If you are as included as everybody else, go with it. If things start to change, e.g. there is less talk of it while you are around, no mention of it in the WhatsApp group etc. then you have a bigger problem: someone is likely to have it in for you so at that point, reevaluate your investment in the team...and pull back. Do not in the interim, organise a collection etc. and see if you are included in one.

1. Please don't leave the WhatsApp group, just mute and glance occasionally. It is likely that they are in a new one, but see what happens. Less frequency of use means probably a secret group. Keep it muted.

1. Be the calm eye of the storm to come. You are a decent, kind person. Don't change. Maybe this is a one-off, in which case, move forward. People will know you for your kindness and birthday girl for her meanness. The team will eventually find its balance along that spectrum as most people are decent, given the right circumstances (you) but fall foul of their decency when people start being divisive (birthday girl).

If any of them happen to be reading this thread, hope you enjoyed the night out, hope you now realise what a twat you've been and I hope you make it up very quickly to your incredibly decent colleague. Work is hard enough, don't make it worse by being a cunt.

Mammyloveswine please don't change.

I completely agree with @bringbacksideburns approach. That's exactly what I would do (and have done in similar situations). It's mature but let's them know your feelings are hurt - and why shouldn't they know that their behaviour was atrocious?

I always know if people don’t like me and as I have got older find I don’t care at all. This seems to annoy them greatly as it clearly shows.

Remember when I was in my 30s a group of us were going away for the weekend. All asked for any dates we could not manage and there was one I couldn’t. You guessed it the organiser booked it for then. I decided then to not bother with colleagues again as they weren’t worth it and socialise only with my real friends. Am a lot happier now.

SunnerWhisper

Sorry but I find the detail and over investment of your post utterly bizarre.

You don't know any of these people. To assume they're plotting and planning and have a "brief" is just insane.

Bandying around the terms bizarre and insane - bit rude tbh

Elliebellbell - we can't actually know whether you are right or I am right. We might both be wrong and there is yet another factor at play, who knows

It may be as I suspect , that the birthday 'girl' is seeking to be top dog and marginalise the OP whom she perceives as popular and well liked among the group, or it might be as you propose that the OP has simply misread her position within the group and is barely tolerated. I don't mind admitting that I was irritated by your post and the complete conviction with which you dismissed the possibility of envy and 'Wendying' as a motive. Again - how can you be so sure? (you can't)

The Op would be well advised to be open to a number of possible explanations as she tries to make sense of the fall out over the coming week

And Summer calling people she doesn't know cunts and twats isn't rude? Ok then.

There's always loads of projection on these threads and I can see it in spades over the last few posts.

As for "wendying" anyone who believes they can control and script a friendship is deluded and if your "friend" suddenly drops you for a shiny new pal then the friendship clearly wasn't that strong in the first place.

JemimaPuddlePeacock I said to find another job because whilst some people might be able to go into work and tolerate the fake niceness if the op is hurt by what has happened then working with these people for years to come isn’t going to be pleasant.

The cats out of the bag now and they don’t have to fake niceness towards op anymore

I am not sure there is any point discussing this with you further. You have a very fixed opinion

Pot kettle limit

I don't think so Elliebellbell, which part of me saying this: "we can't actually know whether you are right or I am right. We might both be wrong and there is yet another factor at play, who knows" indicates a fixed opinion?

I suspect there will be a lot of sheepish behaviour on Monday, not a lot of eye contact and a fair bit of squirming when asked if everyone had a good weekend. Then it will fade but obviously not for the poor OP.

OP, I used to be the most sensitive person going but I guess it's age that's changed me!

Can I ask how new the newbies are? I think (appreciate I could be wrong) that they either don't know the 'etiquette' of these nights out ie you wait to be asked or they just muscled in on the night out. I'm ashamed to say that as a newbie, I've done it myself. Not just turned up but wanting to be included and made damn sure I was!

That sounds much more likely to me than people not liking you and deliberately excluding you.

Hope you have a lovely lunch!

People can be so shit. If you can op you really need to show you’re hurt. Hiding it just means everyone gets to feel fine about their bitchy miserable little selves because you’re ok. Showing it makes them aware there were consequences and uncomfortable because they can’t tell themselves I’m such a good person. They might be shits about it but they will feel uncomfortable. I think it’s really important not to let people get away with it!
And you can be dignified but not a doormat. You owe them nothing. If you do anything at work to help them stop- ‘ I did that to be friendly.’ Reply to the birthday girl - I don’t know why you sent this message, it’s very obvious from Saturday night that you don’t think of me as a friend. I regret the time and emotional energy I’ve given you recently, I thought it was for a friendship.

I wouldn't bother with any fishing questions, like "did I do something to upset you?" Etc?

This PP has absolutely nailed it. Do not, under any circumstances, internalize their inexcusable behaviour and make it about you. It's almost certainly not, and even if it were, if you'd inadvertently offended someone then the adult thing for them to do would be to talk to you about it, not go all-out with the grand, passive-aggressive gesture. (And I'm afraid this is what it is; I can see no 'innocent' explanation for your being inadvertently excluded owing to prior conversations with 'birthday girl' and the image on the whatsapp group).

Asking them if you've done something to offend them merely gives them an open door to turn their own behaviour around against you. You should by no means give them that chance. Make them own their own shit; or, (which would be my preferred option) don't even react, and dial back from their valueless friendship.

When people in my orbit see fit to behave like this my response is immediately to disengage and give them absolutely nothing in return. IMO, this annoys them far more.

@SummerWhisper

I think there is a lot in what you have written which is spot on.

Reply to the birthday girl - I don’t know why you sent this message, it’s very obvious from Saturday night that you don’t think of me as a friend. I regret the time and emotional energy I’ve given you recently, I thought it was for a friendship.

^^This. and say similar to rest of them

no, because she was under no obligation to invite you, friend or not

Agree with above. Also it was in no way an accident if the photos show them all wearing sashes and that sort of shit. Sounds awful!

Cool and professional is definitely the way to go now. At least you know now what nasty bitches they are when you scratch the surface.

Dislike cliques and messaging everyday in WhatsApp group? All sounds ott. Better off out of that.

Have a good think about why you’re so helpful and kind at work and if it’s serving you - I find there’s a bit of an underlying lack of respect when people expect me to always say yes, rather than an appreciation that you try and put others first.

It’s funny that but I find that as I usually say yes, people don’t value it and instead kick off if I say no. The person that’s at fault is the birthday girl, the others may not have known til now that you weren’t going?

I note that you organised the present. Are you 'the boss'? I'm afraid non-inclusion in social events can go with the position.