Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

To think DP spends to much one-on-one time with son from past relationships?

180 replies

justalittlemilk · 20/07/2019 12:32

DP and I have a son who is 8 months old, and my only child. He has a son at 14 and a half years old (as well an adult daughter).

DP gets his son every weekend, he picks him up on the Saturday morning and drops him home on a Sunday evening. During this time I see him little to none, he spends the full time doing his sons hobby, or spending time with his adult daughter (who has not accepted our son so has no relationship with me nor him). It seems as soon as he picks up his son on the Saturday morning that my DS is forgotten. I totally appreciate the importance of spending time alone with his older son to maintain their relationship and so he doesn’t feel pushed out, but as I said it’s every weekend without fail literally since the day my DS was born.
I also understand that he only sees him once a week and wants to spend quality time with him, and he lives with our DS, but often he ends up working 6 days a week with Saturday being his only day off, and goes to work after he dropped him off on a Sunday.
When I speak to him about it he often talks about when our DS is old enough to go out and do stuff every weekend he will, but for me that’s only a small part of it, the other part is I’m left with all the care of our son, feeling like a single mother a lot of the time. I don’t live near my friends or family as when we moved in together we chose to live in his home town to keep him close to his other kids.
AIBU for feeling this way?

OP posts:

TanMateix · 20/07/2019 18:23

You didn’t have to have a child with him

Fantastic observation and so bloody useful! What do you suggest she does with the kid? Send him back? Misplace him when nobody is looking???

I understand why a 14 year old doesn’t want to spend time with a baby, but they don’t want to spend much time with their parents unless they are getting something of it. Pushing a sibling out of the equation whatever their age is inconsiderate, unkind and selfish. Having said that, the problem here is not the 14 year old but the dad, who is allowing that lack of balance between the time he gives to his two sons. The fact that one is the child of a second relationship doesn’t mean he should be discriminated, whatever the circumstances around it.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 20/07/2019 18:35

This very much reads to me as though you were happy with the status quo until your child arrived OP and now suddenly expect things to change.

Which really isn't fair, or reasonable.

If he suddenly changed what happens with his eldest, that could and probably would cause resentment, and could permanently damage their relationship.

I don't think 24 hours in a week is excessive, and I don't think that the fact your son has his dad most of the week in the evenings and presumably when he has some annual leave means that he's missing out.

It's not an easy situation, with there being barriers and divides involved and I completely appreciate that. DP goes and sees one of his DDs at her house and takes her out as she doesn't like to stay away from her Mum so we do things that way instead. It went on every weekend for a few years until she got to the teenage years and now lets him know if she's free or not.

So much as it's tough for you, I'm afraid that it's just how it is. Your son is important, but I'm not seeing where he's being discriminated against (fucking ridiculous statement btw, whoever posted it has clearly never experienced actual discrimination) nor is he being sidelined.

It all reads as though you're not happy that he's spending time with his other children and feel that if they won't come to your house they should be excluded.

And as for feeling like a single mother because for one night a week your DP is parenting his other child, I think that is ridiculous and overdramatic.

He had kids before you did, he should absolutely be as involved with them as he was before you and he had a child.

From what I'm reading, you're the only one who has the problem with that.

Pinktinker · 20/07/2019 18:48

Of course she cannot change the fact she has the child now but she did make a conscious decision to have one knowing his older children feel this way. If her DP already spent every weekend away with his DC, she was unreasonable to expect this would suddenly change with the arrival of their baby unless he promised it would.

Of course her DP should step up and parent his baby too. It’s just a tricky balance really, sounds as though he would risk losing the relationship with his older children if he stopped spending the weekends with them.

NoLeopard · 20/07/2019 18:49

Apologies if you have already said this, but was this arrangement in place before your son was born? If so, was a compromise worked out or did you just expect it to change without talking it through? Also, would he be spending time with his son if it wasn't a hobby he himself enjoyed? I'm thinking this is his way of getting out of all the baby duties but I might be being unfair. Whatever the case, this is not working for you and needs tweaking somehow. If he is not prepared to compromise then maybe he should go and live with them and come and play happy families with you once a week!

hsegfiugseskufh · 20/07/2019 19:02

This very much reads to me as though you were happy with the status quo until your child arrived OP and now suddenly expect things to change

Which really isn't fair, or reasonable

Lol. Do you have kids? Of course everyone expects things to change when they have a baby. Whether its their first baby of their 5th.

Things ina fully bio family would change but clearly thats not good enough for a step child.

That pedestal just keeps on getting higher on mn.

LauraPalmersBodybag · 20/07/2019 19:11

This thread is fucking insane. I feel very sorry for the op, there’s so much shame and blame being heaped on her.

Maybe she doesn’t like and has a difficult relationship with her step children, shouldn’t people offer some advice on how to mend that rather than shaming her. Blending families is hard. But no one wins like this.

BestZebbie · 20/07/2019 19:28

How does this work out for his ex wife, too?

She gets five days of getting a teen up for school and making the tea, but has no full days with him for most of the year (except in the school holidays when she gets all the faff of arranging childcare and your husband's arrangements are unaffected - tbf maybe less of a problem at 14, but a very big deal at 7).

What do you do at Christmas?

jacks11 · 20/07/2019 19:30

OP- I am sure you are perfectly civil in his presence. I’m not saying you are unkind to him. But keeping up the pretence thar you really like people you actively dislike is also a difficult act to keep up. Very few people can hide their true feelings over an extended period in my experience. And there are subtle things, often unconscious or non-verbal, which give away our true feeling- people can and do pick up on these things. It’s a fair bet to say your stepchildren know how you feel, to some extent at least.

SparklyMagpie · 20/07/2019 19:32

Did you like his children before you had a baby?

hsegfiugseskufh · 20/07/2019 19:37

sparkly why is that relevant? The discussion is about her dh treating his biological children differently. Which is entirely his fault

Cathmidston · 20/07/2019 19:37

Totally agree with LauraPalmersBodybag
Sorry OP YANBU ..the situation you are in has no balance... where are your fun days out as a family... they seem non existent x

WhatsInAName19 · 20/07/2019 19:40

This very much reads to me as though you were happy with the status quo until your child arrived OP and now suddenly expect things to change.

Well of course she expected him to change, in that she expected him to include his new child and spend time with them as well.

If he works full time, he's probably seeing the baby for an hour or so each evening. Roughly 5 hours per week! Whereas he spends every spare second of every weekend with his older son. That's not balanced or fair at all.

TanMateix · 20/07/2019 19:53

*This very much reads to me as though you were happy with the status quo until your child arrived OP and now suddenly expect things to change.

Which really isn't fair, or

It is fair and reasonable, you don’t expect your child’s dad is expected to ignore a child completely over the weekends just because he have another kid. Or do you ignore your second child every weekend just to ensure your first gets your absolute attention? First marriage kids don’t trump new ones, they all should be equals.

WomanLikeMeLM · 20/07/2019 19:54

Jealous of your partners child? Good god, be thankful he is a good dad.

SparklyMagpie · 20/07/2019 19:55

Christ @JoanMavisIcecreamGirl I was only asking, considering she says she doesn't like them. I wondered whether this occurred because of the situation

TanMateix · 20/07/2019 20:01

At the least he should be spending a third of the weekend with the baby, if he wants to be fair to all kids.

Having said that OP, don’t worry too much about this as children grow, and in a couple of years time, the 14 year old will want to spend most of the time with his friends rather than with his dad. In fact, I’m surprised they are spending so much time together at 14, nothing wrong with it but... does he sits alone in the other house when his teen is out or playing in the Xbox for hours? If so... what’s the excuse not to rearrange things a bit?

I have a friend who has a 12 and an 8 year olds (boy and girl) from his first marriage. He has them every other weekend but if the 12 year old is stuck in the Xbox all the afternoon he has one to one time with the 8 year old, if his 8 year old is away for a sleepover, he does things for more grown up children with the 12 year old. So everyone has the attention of the dad exclusively during the weekend part of doing things together.

IsobelRae23 · 20/07/2019 20:05

The thing is babies are BORING to 14 year old boys. Unless they live with, they usually can’t be bothered by them. I know he’s your world, but your step son won’t see him in the same way. He’ll be more interesting when he’s older.

WhatsInAName19 · 20/07/2019 20:08

Good god, be thankful he is a good dad.hmm

Yeah, to one of his kids. Not to OP's.

AE18 · 20/07/2019 20:11

@IsobelRae23 it's not about the step son finding babies boring, it's about his own dad finding babies boring. A parent doesn't get decide to only include and spend time with their own baby until they're older and more interesting for themselves and siblings. He has a responsibility to be a parent to them all now.

pikapikachu · 20/07/2019 20:11

OP- Nobody is suggesting that you make your dislike obvious but a 14yo can probably tell when an adult is being polite as they will be used to the notion of adults being polite thanks to observing teachers at school being polite to the annoying/badly-behaved kids. You can only bond so much with a person who is "polite" as there will be a barrier preventing the relationship becoming closer. I'm not apportioning blame as I know how annoying teens can be but if you and dss don't get along then it's hard for dss and your son to spend time together,

Did your partner start taking dss out for long periods because you told him what you really think about his son? I can see why he'd assume that was a reasonable solution until dss didn't want to come to contact. Is the hobby even suitable for babies to tag song? How many hours of the weekend does it take to travel there and do the hobby? Is it on one of the days or both?

If you'd asked if your partner is spending enough time with your son then everybody would agree that he's not. Can you help your partner come up with a more balanced approach? Could the sister move to a place with one less bedroom and you move to a place with one more bedroom? Not even having a place for dss to sleep every week is a big hurdle to a blended family imo.

TanMateix · 20/07/2019 20:13

The thing is babies are BORING to 14 year old boys

Of course they are boring, but the baby probably thinks the same about the 14 year old, are you suggesting dad ignores him until the older boy leaves the nest? Or should he start acting as his dad once that mum teaches him how to play football?

AE18 · 20/07/2019 20:41

@WomanLikeMeLM why should he be grateful for that? He's not a good dad to her son, that's the point of the thread.

brightfutureahead · 20/07/2019 20:59

You didn’t have to have a child with him

Neither did his ex but hey the kids exist don’t they. She wanted her kids just as much as the op wanted her baby.

Good god, be thankful he is a good dad
Why would she be thankful that he’s a good dad to his children she didn’t give birth to, but can’t be arsed with the one she did give birth to? What’s she got to be thankful for? Lol.

MonkeyTrap · 20/07/2019 21:08

OP you are not BU. Your DC now has three children and he doesn’t get to opt out of patenting the third because another got there first. I can understand him wanting to spend some time alone with his son, but in the same vein he should also want to do so with the baby and encourage a relationship between the siblings - that’s not going to happen if they’re all kept separate.

Presumably he is at work all week and so the time he spends with your DC is bits here in the evening, not quality time.

I’m also concerned about you and when you’re getting a break from your DC.

Can you not suggest to your DH that he takes your DC wherever he’s going with DSS whilst you get your hair done/see friends etc. Start making plans! I’d also impress the importance of not treating the children as separates but as part of one whole family his family.

If you were the Mum of DSS saying your ex never spends quality time with your son since having another child they’d he uproar, that’s effectively what’s happenings

MonkeyTrap · 20/07/2019 21:10

Wtf has OP’s dislike for her DSS got to do with it? It’s Dads job to encourage all his children to have a relationship. OP and her DSS’ relationship is another, separate issue.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8