To think DP spends to much one-on-one time with son from past relationships?

[justalittlemilk]

DP and I have a son who is 8 months old, and my only child. He has a son at 14 and a half years old (as well an adult daughter).

DP gets his son every weekend, he picks him up on the Saturday morning and drops him home on a Sunday evening. During this time I see him little to none, he spends the full time doing his sons hobby, or spending time with his adult daughter (who has not accepted our son so has no relationship with me nor him). It seems as soon as he picks up his son on the Saturday morning that my DS is forgotten. I totally appreciate the importance of spending time alone with his older son to maintain their relationship and so he doesn’t feel pushed out, but as I said it’s every weekend without fail literally since the day my DS was born.
I also understand that he only sees him once a week and wants to spend quality time with him, and he lives with our DS, but often he ends up working 6 days a week with Saturday being his only day off, and goes to work after he dropped him off on a Sunday.
When I speak to him about it he often talks about when our DS is old enough to go out and do stuff every weekend he will, but for me that’s only a small part of it, the other part is I’m left with all the care of our son, feeling like a single mother a lot of the time. I don’t live near my friends or family as when we moved in together we chose to live in his home town to keep him close to his other kids.
AIBU for feeling this way?

Tbh it's Saturday afternoon so she's probably busy (but not living like a single parent! 😡)

He sounds like a great Dad to his eldest two but like a shit one to your DC and also a shit partner to you. It’s a difficult situation, he obviously wants to keep his older children happy but he shouldn’t really be staying somewhere else all weekend and avoiding you and his baby... You should be doing things together sometimes too with his son. His daughter sounds rather immature tbh... Hopefully she gets over herself.

Ffs the 'first families ' brigade are out in force today !

No justalittlemilk you are FAR from unreasonable and your DP has fallen into mega Disney dad mode. Your child is ALSO his child. You mentioned he was planned - so he has an EQUAL responsibility to do some of the 'boring baby minding.'.

His DS needs to suck it up and accept that his dad has other responsibilities and grow up. Instead dad is pandering to this behaviour. He made commitments to have his first son AND commitments to his second. One does not trump the other.

He needs to reach a compromise where one day of the weekend is doing 14 yr old boy things - and one day of family things. Pandering to these demands for separation just entrenches his view . He doesn't 'like you' because he doesn't know you and has never been put in a position to do so.

Your DP is a stupid arse who has allowed himself to be manipulated. (Probably by heavy influence of his daughter) . He needs to start being a parent to BOTH of them.

Force the issue. Find a 'girls weekend away... a 'sick relative' that you need to care for. TELL (don't ask) that he has his baby son for the weekend. Then big off and let him parent them both !

I actually feel for the 14yr old ss, who obviously knows how much op hates him , he can’t stay at his dads house, no room or op doesn’t want him there, I can understand why the daughter probably can’t stand op, if anyone had treated my sister like that , especially someone who had been forced upon us

yanbu op. you've had a baby, rountine etc change when you have a new baby in the family. put it this way.... what would your dh do if you split 're seeing the baby? might make him think.

"Your husband has said when the baby gets older then they will do weekend things together which makes sense to me."

So when OP’s child is 14 her DH will suddenly start taking him away, all weekend every weekend, without her? That wouldn’t work for me, or many mothers I know.

YANBU OP, the current set up is unsustainable.

Why does he get to opt out of family life every weekend? What about when your son is older and goes to school during the week - won't he want to see his dad at the weekend too?

He needs to accept he has a bigger family now and his weekends can't revolve around his 14yo indefinitely - it's not fair. He has a partner and a young baby at home who also need his time and support at the weekends.

Why can't his 14yo come and stay with you? Or you all go out together? I'm sorry but I don't think it's fair that a 14yo gets to monopolise every single weekend at the expense of everyone else.

Did he actually want this baby or did he agree to make you happy? Its not uncommon for men with older children to not be keen on having more children and starting the nappy phase again, but go with it because not having children is not an option for their new, usually younger partner. Then they realise that they really are not keen on the ba y phase and enjoy the company of their older children more.

His comment about spending more time with your baby when he is older leads me to think this is much likely to be the case.

I think the other children have a right to say no to the blended family. They didn’t choose it and shouldn’t have to spend time with someone if they don’t want too.

So should the younger half siblings also be able to say "I don't like dad's older kids, don't want to spend time with them" and therefore dad's original kids be kept apart on their say so? Because the second set of kids didn't choose the situation either. What ridiculous logic. Of course the kids should not be forcing a split of the family (if that's what is happening). Unless there are major problems and genuine reasons why they don't want contact with their half siblings/step parent, in which case a good parent would have addressed the problems even if that meant the end of the second marriage (I.e. an abusive or unkind step parent should be shown the door).

OP, I haven't seen the other thread that people are referring to so I'm not sure what the backstory is with the stepkids. I don't think you've answered the question about why the adult stepdaughter is NC. If there is any truth to the story that you don't like them and therefore your DH has no option but to spend time with them alone and away from you, then you need to give that serious consideration. In that case, the change needs to come from you to work with your DH and his kids.

Assuming as per this thread (unless I've missed something) that it is purely your husband's preference to spend time with his older son away from you and DH, there's not really much you can do if he won't listen. All you can do is explain your position. Explain the reasons why this is doing a huge disservice not only to yourself and 8month old, but also to his older son who is missing out on the opportunity to bond with his brother. Whether or not the boy sees the value in that relationship now doesn't matter. It's up to his dad to take the reins and be responsible.

Beyond that, it depends on what your position actually is I suppose. You can't make him change. All you can do is decide whether to try your best to forge a bond between yourself and SS/your son and SS when you can (there must be a little bit of time available at some point?) or you back right off and let your DH crack on. Get yourself back to work ASAP and just focus on yourself and your child. Although tbh at that point, it's not really a marriage and if I were in that position I'd just walk. You can't change someone else; all you can do is change your response to their behaviour.

First thing to do though is be brutally honest with yourself about how much responsibility you need to shoulder for the poor state of relations between yourself and your stepkids. Because that will completely inform the correct course of action.

In true MN style, a lot of presumptuous comments... no DP’s son has never stayed. DP’s daughter doesn’t like my because she treats her dad like a skivvy and obviously sees me getting it the way of this. His DS seems to be coping this behaviour.

Can I ask what your ideal scenario is? It would seem that you don’t have any relationship with his ds and dd. Is that something you want to change? Or do you just want your DP’s free time spread more equally between your ds and his kids?

Amazes me a mother can think like this. It's HIS son he is spending time with

Jealousy springs to mind

Ofc shes jealous! Her child is getting sidelined while the other gets all the attention. Id be more worried about her parenting if she wasnt jealous.

First families are not more important that second ones and people need to pull their heads out of their arses and realise that.

Did he actually want this baby or did he agree to make you happy? Its not uncommon for men with older children to not be keen on having more children and starting the nappy phase again, but go with it because not having children is not an option for their new, usually younger partner. Then they realise that they really are not keen on the ba y phase and enjoy the company of their older children more

Wondered how long it would take you to turn up spouting your usual nonsense.

You have no basis to assume any of this.

I was ready on reading the title to say YWBU but it sounds a really odd setup and the adult daughter sounds like a cow as well. I don’t know what to suggest though if he won’t change.

I’m not a fan of either of his children, but I’ve tried time and time again to keep them included in my life with their father and our son, I’ve tried offering an olive branch many a time towards his daughter. All for my sons sake. If they don’t want me as part of their life then I can accept that. DP’s son sees our son occasionally but would still rather get his own way all weekend than spend time with him. So what I would like is for my DP to act like a responsibility adult include his two sons in each other’s life, even if only for half a day out the whole weekend. It’s better than nothing. But my home for my son is not a drop in centre for DP and I don’t want him to treat it like that. Not too much to ask I don’t think. Obviously quite a few beg to differ though.

OP, I think part of the problem is that you obviously don’t like your step son or your adult step daughter. Your contempt drips off the posts where you mention them specifically. You may or may not have good reasons for your dislike- and there may well be mutual dislike too- but given that you don’t have a good word to say about either of your step children it would seem likely they know how you feel. If that is the case, it is surely hardly surprising that your DH keeps you as separate as possible.

Is it a case of your step son not being able to stay as there is no room? In which case, I think you have to accept him spending some Saturday nights as he is (not every Saturday, but perhaps alternate). Or is it a case of he could stay but doesn’t? If the latter, I would say it’s not particularly surprising that your step son does not want to stay in your home, necessitating the stay with DD. Most people would try to avoid regularly staying in a house where they are just tolerated/not especially welcome. It’s likely that even if you are perfectly civil that there will be an uncomfortable atmosphere if the relationship is as you describe.

As I said, you may well have valid reasons for disliking your stepchildren- but I am guessing these feeling predate your decision to have a child with your DH. If so, what did your DH do before he was born- did he stay away/spend the whole day with him?

By all means, tell your DH how you feel and ask if he can find a way to split his time more to your liking.

OP having seen your most recent post, I think the issue you need to reconcile is that Your step son may not want to have a relationship with your DS, or at least not a particularly close one. There is a big age gap, and I think it would be reasonably common for there to be a more distant relationship between full siblings with a similar age gap (my dad’s youngest sibling was a very late surprise, 15 years his junior, and they have quite a distant relationship as he left home when the sibling was quite young. They don’t have those shared memories and experiences which siblings closer in age have- though I know that’s not always the case).

In addition, i very much doubt that any 14 year old wants to spend one day/afternoon a week with an 8 month old baby. Especially when that is the one day of the week he gets to spend time with his father.

So there has to be a compromise. Could your DH reduce work hours on the Sunday to spend time with your shared DS? Or reduce hours during the week/make sure he’s home for dinner/getting him to bed more days during the week?

I feel for you OP. Such a difficult situation and I really think your son is being left out by your DP because he's young but I think that's irrelevant.
I think it's so important for parents to have quality time with their kids at this age, and actually your DP is missing out on these lovely months and years before your son will want to be be off with his friends. I know that sounds daft when he's 8 months old but it does fly by quickly!
It's lovely that your DP wants to spend quality time with his other children but I think the whole thing needs re-organising.
Sounds like his kids aren't desperate to be around you (sorry OP, no offence! Haha!) and he's just giving in because he wants to carry on seeing them without any stress, but I think he needs to be a bit stronger and consider his other son and you too.
You are part of his life, and why should you be ignored for a whole day and night every week.
I also think he should be encouraging his children to be around his new son. They are siblings!
Why can't he take his son and your son out to the park for a morning? They get quality time together (even if your son is just in his pram!) and you would get a break. Maybe you could meet them for lunch after?
His son can't expect to do his hobby every single time he sees his dad.
I also think they should be staying at your house where you both live. It's like you are the mistress stuck in another house. Not nice for you at all!
I hope you can get him to see your point of view on this, I really do.

OP, I think part of the problem is that you obviously don’t like your step son or your adult step daughter. Your contempt drips off the posts

I totally agree with this. They are his children, show some compassion

But Happygirl- how many 14 year old boys want to spend a Saturday morning in the park with an 8 month old on a regular basis? Especially if that equates to 50% of the time they get to spend with their dad. And they don’t get to do their hobby into the bargain. Seems like a recipe to breed resentment to me. And you can’t force this teen to have a relationship with his half-sibling if he doesn’t want to.

IMHO OP’s DH needs to find a way to keep his day with his son, although perhaps not whole day and night every weekend, and find a way to spend more time with his youngest child the rest of the week.

Just to clarify, I’m posting anonymously that I don’t like his son while seeking advice. Believe it or not I do have social etiquette and am conscious not to show this toward him.

Why isnt the custody 50/50? He's half the parenting contribution isnt he?

You didn’t have to have a child with him. You presumably didn’t like his older children before you had the baby nor them you. Were weekends spent away from you before the baby came along too or is it a new thing since the baby was born?

I do understand why the 14 year old has no desire to spend his weekends with a baby, sibling or not. Your DP can’t spend every future weekend away from your child though, it won’t work the older your child gets and your child will grow resentful over time.

You didn’t have to have a child with him

Bloody hell, is this now actually a response to a man not doing his share of parenting his baby?