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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP spends to much one-on-one time with son from past relationships?

180 replies

justalittlemilk · 20/07/2019 12:32

DP and I have a son who is 8 months old, and my only child. He has a son at 14 and a half years old (as well an adult daughter).

DP gets his son every weekend, he picks him up on the Saturday morning and drops him home on a Sunday evening. During this time I see him little to none, he spends the full time doing his sons hobby, or spending time with his adult daughter (who has not accepted our son so has no relationship with me nor him). It seems as soon as he picks up his son on the Saturday morning that my DS is forgotten. I totally appreciate the importance of spending time alone with his older son to maintain their relationship and so he doesn’t feel pushed out, but as I said it’s every weekend without fail literally since the day my DS was born.
I also understand that he only sees him once a week and wants to spend quality time with him, and he lives with our DS, but often he ends up working 6 days a week with Saturday being his only day off, and goes to work after he dropped him off on a Sunday.
When I speak to him about it he often talks about when our DS is old enough to go out and do stuff every weekend he will, but for me that’s only a small part of it, the other part is I’m left with all the care of our son, feeling like a single mother a lot of the time. I don’t live near my friends or family as when we moved in together we chose to live in his home town to keep him close to his other kids.
AIBU for feeling this way?

OP posts:
AE18 · 20/07/2019 13:13

I completely disagree with other PPs and think this is very unreasonable. Assuming he works full time, then if he isn't around on weekends then he is basically not spending any time with your child together. Unless he said to you before getting pregnant "I am not going to spend any weekends with you or the baby because my other child comes first", then he has no right to do so. He has two (non grown up) children and he should be spending time with both of them, it's not about having a "new" family, it's about the step children being PART of his family. Go out for hobbies, yes, but he should be staying in the family home and not treating you and your baby like you're something to be ashamed of.

Tentomidnight · 20/07/2019 13:14

If this is every weekend, what would he do if you and he split (over this weird compartmentalising behaviour, possibly)?
Would he see your son every weekend, too? If not, then how often and when? Would be prioritise his children equally?
May be worth asking him to think about this.

Original poster
justalittlemilk · 20/07/2019 13:17

Again, I’m not disputing DP seeing his son! I just feel it unfair that the time he spends with him (often his only day off) is spent solely with him. If I had another child I wouldn’t be able to spend a fraction of the one-on-one time with my DS as I currently do. It’s the nature of having more than one child! At the end of the day his son isn’t an only child so I find it unrealistic and unfair on my son treating him like one.

OP posts:
Hooferdoofer37 · 20/07/2019 13:18

I know a family with a set up a bit like yours.

The new mum was the OW for several years before the mother of the teenagers found out & kicked out her then DH.

The 2 teenagers (now adults) have always refused to spend any time with the OW or resulting offspring due to feeling it would be disrespectful to their mother.

The ""D"H in this scenario doesn't see his adult DC every weekend as he claims, he sees them once or twice a month & spends the other weekends with his new OW.

Are you positive he is actually seeing his teenager son EVERY weekend & staying over at his daughter's house every sat night?

Does he have form for cheating?

Disfordarkchocolate · 20/07/2019 13:21

What happens if you have child-free plans on a weekend?

Butterymuffin · 20/07/2019 13:22

He has three children. All should get time and attention, and that won't always be exactly equal, but he shouldn't be sidelining any of them. Plus he has unilaterally decided you are the default parent for your baby DS - people normally point out how unfair this is, but it seems to have been lost in relation to prioritising the need to maintain relationships with his older kids. That is important but so is your son

Tent makes a good point - how would he manage it if you and he split? Ask him how he will sort doing alternative weekends with all three kids together if it comes to that. Wake him up a bit.

WhatTheAbsoluteFuck · 20/07/2019 13:24

YANBU

His adult DD needs to give her a head wobble, as does your DP. He cannot spend every weekend away from you and your DS. Bullshit enabling behaviour from a spineless Dad.

Original poster
justalittlemilk · 20/07/2019 13:24

I know he’s got son because the other house in question is just up the road from MIL’s house so I do see him, mostly on passing. Understand how it could look this way due to the odd set up

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 20/07/2019 13:24

MN is a really weird place when it comes to talking about children from second relationships, and how best to manage time. I opened this thread thinking I was going to say YWBU, but you are not, at all. Your DH can’t opt out of parenting his son at weekends. He needs to balance his time or share it.

hsegfiugseskufh · 20/07/2019 13:25

Would you rather he says to his teenage son “sorry son, new family here, can’t spend time with you”

Ffs there can be a happy medium you know.

It doesnt have to be us and them. But of course on mn op should suck up her husband ignoring her and their child "because you knew he had kids"

Ya but presumably she didnt know hed turn into a twat once they had a child.

Creatureofthenight · 20/07/2019 13:25

Well I can certainly understand why you are unhappy with the current set up, I would be too for the baby’s sake. Is your DP hoping that his older kids will come round, or is he happy to accept that his youngest child won’t know his siblings?
However I can’t believe you didn’t discuss this at all before deciding to have a child. I presume DP has seen his older kids at weekends ever since you met so you must have been used to not seeing him on weekends?

BangingOn · 20/07/2019 13:25

I think you’re getting a really hard time. I have a step son and have always supported he and DS spending lots of time together, but not to the extent of effectively moving out every weekend in order to do so.

Whilst it doesn’t help things now, I can’t imagine that your step son will still want to spend that much time with his father in a few years time. DSS and DH are really close, but once he got a Saturday job and a girlfriend he spent less time with us, which is a natural part of growing up.

dottiedodah · 20/07/2019 13:26

I think on balance YANBU, but stepchildren need a lot of care to make sure they are included TBH. However you need some W/E time too! Can you not suggest a picnic lunch say on a Saturday , after they have finished with their hobby?.Have SS over occasionally, on a sat eve?.What happened before LO came along?.You are entitled to some family life as well .He shouldnt be going to work after dropping his son off!.You need to speak to him gently .If his son gets on well with you ,perhaps you could all go out. And give the hobby a miss say once a month.Maybe he feels guilty?

Namechangesareus · 20/07/2019 13:28

Was this not the set up before you decided to have a baby with him? So he has always went to stay with his son at his sisters home?
It’s only since you had a baby ( knowing the set up) that you want it to change.
I understand why he wants it to continue, can he not take the baby with. Him so he can spend time with his siblings

LillithsFamiliar · 20/07/2019 13:28

I must admit I thought the same as Hoof. It seems rather convenient that your DP (presumably) tells you that his DC want nothing to do with you or your DS and then he chooses to spend every weekend with them and stay overnight.
Were you the OW? Otherwise, I don't understand why your DP is compartmentalising his family like this.
I'm sure a lot of parents would love to opt out of all the boring baby stuff but that isn't how parenting works. You also need a conversation about what happens when your baby is older. Does DP think he'll take the baby with him into an environment where his step-siblings refuse to accept you? His current approach isn't sustainable.

Chickychoccyegg · 20/07/2019 13:31

yanbu, i would not be happy with this either,but is this what always happened, before you got pregnant? did you discuss what would happen with regards to contact with sdc after you and your dp moved in together? were you ow, is that why your kept seperate? its a rubbish set up.

Newmumma83 · 20/07/2019 13:32

It’s great that he keeps in contact with his kids but he isn’t binding with his 8month old

Basically all weekend he is with his other kids and if he working hours are like my husbands my 7 month old is in bed when he gets home and husband has little time for saying more than hello on his way to work in the morning.

Basically she has a 8 month old and a tenant that comes home Monday to Friday most likely for dinner and to get his laundry done ( creating Additional work and I fail to see where support of a loving partner is being recieved ) ... upside when he drives you to potentially divorce him then you son may actually get to see him.

No you are not being unfair ... absolutely one day of the weekend exactly for what son wants the other day for time with brother too.

TanMateix · 20/07/2019 13:32

He could be doing better and integrating the new sibling, to push the new kid and partner to the side to devote every weekend to the other kids is not the right thing to do, a middle ground need to be found. The baby is also his son and needs to be allocated as much free time as the other ones.

You may say he is with the baby all the week, but is he? If he is working, he gets to play with baby for half an hour before baby is asleep.

Teddybear45 · 20/07/2019 13:35

I agree that it seems convenient that the DS wants nothing to do with you and your DS and he’s staying at a different house. Every man I know with a similar set up had an OW. I would suggest you insist on your son spending time with them even if it’s just for dinner or an overnight & offer to drop him.

Original poster
justalittlemilk · 20/07/2019 13:35

Just to clarify, no I wasn’t the OW. He has split up with his ex 7 years before I met him.

OP posts:
wineandroses1 · 20/07/2019 13:36

Some pretty unreasonable comments by a lot of posters. Very anti-second families. Op, your DH is BU. He needs to spend time with all of his children at weekends, not just those from his first family. He should also be spending time with you on at least some of his days off.

Badcat666 · 20/07/2019 13:37

You knew he had other children when you got together. Unless you assumed that once you had a baby with him he would forget his other children?

You are resenting ONE day for him to spend with his growing teen son?

In a few years time his teen son will be in their late teens and will be doing their on thing and most probably won't want to spend his Saturdays with his dad. Also the mental health of young teen boys is SO important and seeing his dad once a week and spending time alone with him could be SO important for the boy.

Also an 8 month old baby won't remember ANYTHING and no offense, babies are normally REALLY BORING to most teen boys (and teen girls... god my nieces and nephews were just pukey pooey things to me as a young teen) and get more interesting as they got older and could actually do more things than cry, poo and wee and cry some more.

Your husband has said when the baby gets older then they will do weekend things together which makes sense to me.

God, some blokes cannot get a break. Be bloody grateful that he still loves his other children enough to want to spend time with them

Your DC has NOT been forgotten it's just that your partner has responsibilities to his other children as well.

I assume he is home in the evenings with you and the baby? Like other partners that work full time when they have a young child?

WhatsInAName19 · 20/07/2019 13:37

Having been your son in this situation, your husband is making a mistake. I think PPs who are saying it's quite right that he should spend all this time with his son are totally missing the point. His 8 month old doesn't cease to be his child on the weekends. They both need to spend time with their dad. They need to spend time with each other and they need to spend time with OP too. Of course the lad will want some one-on-one time with his dad, all kids should have that. But half a day each weekend is much more reasonable, with the rest of the time being spent together.

I can tell you what happened in our family. My siblings and I barely knew our older half siblings because my dad kept us separate like this. They resented us because they felt we had replaced them. We resented them because although we lived with our dad, he never ever set time aside to do fun things with us whereas he would disappear off with them for whole weekends of fun. If we had all been treated as equals and spent time together developing sibling bonds, this could have been so different. As adults, we all get on OK but it's very much two distinct and separate families. We are not siblings. We don't even see each other once a year. My dad has led a double life, essentially. And we have paid the price. It's done none of us any favours in terms of our relationship with him or with each other. He did it out of guilt, not out of a genuine desire to do the best by his kids. Your DH is doing the same.

I don't think PPs are actually thinking about this from the perspective of the children, who are the most important people here.

Hooferdoofer37 · 20/07/2019 13:40

So he's left you alone every weekend of your relationship since you got together to spend time with his children, who don't want to spend time with you.

When you planned having a baby with him, did you discuss how this set up would need to change to include the new baby?

Bourbonbiccy · 20/07/2019 13:40

I don't think anyone should suggest spending time as a 4 if his kids don't want to. I didn't like my fathers new partner and opted not to be in her company.

What was the original agreement before you had your child, I'm assuming you both discussed it?

What was the set up before your child, has he always spent the weekend with the kids ?

What dies your ideal look like ?