To think DP spends to much one-on-one time with son from past relationships?

[justalittlemilk]

DP and I have a son who is 8 months old, and my only child. He has a son at 14 and a half years old (as well an adult daughter).

DP gets his son every weekend, he picks him up on the Saturday morning and drops him home on a Sunday evening. During this time I see him little to none, he spends the full time doing his sons hobby, or spending time with his adult daughter (who has not accepted our son so has no relationship with me nor him). It seems as soon as he picks up his son on the Saturday morning that my DS is forgotten. I totally appreciate the importance of spending time alone with his older son to maintain their relationship and so he doesn’t feel pushed out, but as I said it’s every weekend without fail literally since the day my DS was born.
I also understand that he only sees him once a week and wants to spend quality time with him, and he lives with our DS, but often he ends up working 6 days a week with Saturday being his only day off, and goes to work after he dropped him off on a Sunday.
When I speak to him about it he often talks about when our DS is old enough to go out and do stuff every weekend he will, but for me that’s only a small part of it, the other part is I’m left with all the care of our son, feeling like a single mother a lot of the time. I don’t live near my friends or family as when we moved in together we chose to live in his home town to keep him close to his other kids.
AIBU for feeling this way?

YANBU, he has responsibilities to all his children & needs to distribute his free time more fairly.

@justalittlemilk you were never going to get balanced views from certain posters.

Your child matters less by virtue of the fact that he came second. That’s how some people are on MN and they never change that stance.

Do the brothers not have anything to do with each other at all?

Why does adult sd have such a problem with you?

None of this set up is right. Not least because the siblings being kept so separate isn’t good for them.

I’m guessing your dp thinks his youngest son won’t care about this stuff when he’s older. He’s making a rod for his back in terms of a relationship with your son. In short - he’s being a bad father to him. And you should tell him that.

He’s being a good dad and ensuring he keeps a relationship with this first children.

The fact he has to sleep elsewhere with his son as there’s no room for him speaks volumes.

When you have children in a relationship where there are existing children you have to accept he/she has existing commitments.

So if you came 7 years after why has his adult daughter no accepted you?

This is odd and should have been sorted before you got this far OP because yes every weekend he is prioritising two of his children over a 3rd

@WhatsInAName19

I totally agree with everything you’ve said. OPs DC is going to suffer if this doesn’t stop before he’s old enough to realise.

Sorry, does he spend every weekday evening with you and your child ?

YANBU. At all.

Posters giving you a hard time are being completely unreasonable. You’ve said you have no issue with him spending time alone with his son. But it is completely unreasonable for his only free full day to be spent with him every week. He has a child with you, regardless of age he should spend weekends with him too, and you. Everyone here knows what weekdays are like, busy and not loads of quality time. It is not healthy for your partner not to spend weekends with your child at all, even at a young age the bonding time is important, as is the family time. Your partner is being unreasonable to expect you to do the weekend with a baby on your own.

You need to have a serious conversation about how you can blend the families in a healthier way moving forward. This is not a good arrangement for anyone.

And where is his ex when he is playing happy families with his daughter and son?

Think about this carefully. Are you just the housekeeper? Do you do his cleaning, washing, sex on tap - are you simply convenient for him? Who is funding your life together? It doesn't sound, from what you've written, as if he has a deep commitment to you and your child.

Start building up your own social life for you and your child. And be ready in case your eyes open to who the 'DP' really is, and it isn't who you'd thought.

Did he move in because you were pregnant? Has he suggested any further commitment?

In together families where there is a big age gap, it's very common for one parent (usually Dad) to go off with the older child while mum stays home with the baby.

For example I know a 14 year old who plays ice hockey. He has a 3 hour practice during the week and a match most weekends during the season. Dad is a coach for this team and the matches are often far away (involves hotel stays) Mum stays home with the pre-schooler. If the match is at home then mum takes pre-schooler to the match. He is often seen with other siblings playing at the sides. When pre-schooler was a baby mum couldn't take him to matches as the crying etc was distracting. I assume that your h imagines taking baby along when he's older so he can watch/hang out while the hobby happens.

It's lucky that he let his old place going so there's space for his son to visit weekly.

Does he really spend all of that time alone with his older son? I'd understand a long stretch like 3-4 hours but no shared meals or anything?

Out of interest what happens before your son arrived?

So you think he should abandon his adult daughter if she won't accept you?

You and your son get him five and a half to six days a week, his other children get him a day and a half.. In three or four years time his other son will probably be grown up and busy with his life. It's right that he spends time and makes him feel important. By then your son will be at an age where your husband will take him out for sports and activities.
It's that timeless thing - these other children were there before you. It's hard sometimes, but you picked a man who was a loving dad... It's not going to change just because you've now had a baby.

People are being harsh on Op, would be interesting to know how many of you have been in OP’s situation? Her dh/dp works all week, probably gets home when their DS has gone to sleep? So although he’s living in the house he’s probably not having much to do with his youngest son?

It’s great that he’s spending time with his older children but OP and their 8 month old son are also a part of the family now?? If he’s spending all weekend out doing things with his older dc when does he actually see his younger son, when does OP get a break from her DS?

OP, I do feel for you. I was a step mum but we only had his children every Sunday and the occasional whole weekend, dh (now ex) would occasionally do things on his own with his eldest son but other times the dc had to fit in around each other (his 3 and our 2). They were a part of our family and all 5 dc’s were treated equally whilst in our care.

I can see why you feel like a single parent. For me I eventually walked away as when his dc got older (adult) it actually got harder, there were other reasons for our split but this didn’t help.

I think if things don’t improve then I would leave, it’s obviously making you unhappy.

Your husband is being unreasonable.

Myself, my own child and many other children/adults I know have older half-siblings.

It is normal for the younger child(ren) to either spent time with the half-siblings alone if they are older teens/adults, and/or to spend time with only their joint parent and older half-siblings.

The older children are introduced to the younger ones as soon as possible after birth preferably in the first week.

This then means the half-siblings don't see themselves as half, and have as good as or even better relationships then any full-siblings.

I actually know sad stories of people finding they have a half-sibling late in life due to parents lies/simply not telling them, starting to build a relationship with them - much easier if all parents are dead -, the relationship being a good one and one of the half-siblings dying within 5 years.

And why are people saying OP and her ds get him for 5 days a week? He’s at work these days and ds is probably asleep by the time he gets home. He could spend time with his older dc in the evenings, they could come over for dinner, he could take them out to eat somewhere? As a adult with a step parent, I would never dream of demanding my mums time on her own without my step dad being there, I’m an adult and can accept that they now live together.

There are two sides to this. Let’s be honest here, babies are boring. Most fourteen year olds wouldn’t choose to spend time with them even if they were full siblings. The truth is that you can’t force a sibling relationship here even if the son was spending time here. And the daughter clearly doesn’t want to know which given her age etc is her prerogative even if it’s hard to accept.

The reality is that children from first relationships don’t have any say in whether a parent moves on and starts a new family with someone else. It’s something that’s easy to force when parents stay together and have additional children, but when the parents have separated the dc are often forced to accept new partners, additional children etc purely because that’s what the parent feels should happen. The result of this is that either the other parent chooses not to have a relationship with his children from previous marriage unless they toe the line and conform to what he wants, or he has a relationship with them separate from the new family he has created.

The thing is that as an incoming partner it can be difficult to accept that actually, the children from the previous relationship didn’t have a say in whether you came into their lies, and they didn’t have a say in whether their father chose to have a full-time child whereas they get to see him for four days a month.

You might think they should just live with it, but they don’t actually have to accept it. And if he’s a decent father then he will accommodate both sides so as to not lose his relationship with his children.

Personally I think that if the DC didn’t want a relationship with you from the outset it wasn’t really a good idea to have another baby and then expect the children to conform when they already weren’t. T

Was this not the set up before you decided to have a baby with him? So he has always went to stay with his son at his sisters home?

I think this is a fair question OP. What was the set up before your child came along? Because if you weren't spending time with his other children beforehand, they're not suddenly going to want to spend time with you once you have another child. Too late now but really I would have wanted to know I could get along with a partner's children before deciding to have more children with him. How long have you been with your DP?

The situation isn't acceptable IMO. I agree with posters saying there should be a middle ground between ignoring his other children, and spending every weekend away with them and excluding you and the child you have together. You would NBU to discuss this with him - to find a way in which at least four of you and maybe five of you can spend time together.

@WhatsInAName19 having been in a similar situation to mine. What would your advice to me be? I’ve spoke with my DP plenty of times as same as some of the comments, he seems to miss the point.

What was the agreement when you decided to have a baby? Did you discuss how it would work? Was this the set up then or did it only occur once your DS arrived.

I think your husband is unreasonable and all this is going to do is continue to breed resentment. Are you quite a bit younger than him? Just trying to
Understand why is daughter has such an issue with you?

I think the other children have a right to say no to the blended family. They didn’t choose it and shouldn’t have to spend time with someone if they don’t want too. He’s wise to not force him as they are at any age where they could simply not come for contact.

Have you met his son or daughter?

So if you came 7 years after why has his adult daughter no accepted you?
This is a big question you have not answered. Your DH pays for his adult daughters home yet she refuses to accept he has an expanded family? Unless you were her friend who he moved in on or some other unusual dynamic is in play, your DH needs to tell his DD in order to continue accepting his support she needs to come to terms with you and her baby half-sibling.

Let’s be honest here, babies are boring
Newsflash: mums get bored as well as dads. The OP is being landed with all the 'boring' childcare without any discussion or negotiation.

Oh dear , you are being very unreasonable

It would be heartbreaking to not live with your14 year old child.
I’m not surprised he wants to spend every moment of the one day a week with him.

Just seen this in another post “he also has a 14 year old son who I just don't like” and also say that you dread him coming over. I’d imagine that plays a part in his decision too.

I have been in a similar position to yours and you will need to start putting your foot down and creating a life for you and your baby. Do not simply allow this man to ignore your DS in favour of his older children and then waltz back into his life when they get bored. Fuck that! Get yourself back to work - I cut my mat leave short and it was the best thing that I did to get my power back. Then start booking exciting things for you and DS to do like time out with friend, a little weekend away etc. After that make sure that DH is doing his fair share regardless of what is happening with his other children. I told DH to buck his ideas up or I would walk and he could have 2 kids with 2 different mums and not be with either. I accepted being 2nd best at first whilst our weekends resolved around DSS but then I realised that actually our relationship and his relationship with our baby had value and I could choose to leave if it didnt stack up. DSS is very welcome to stay at our place and is a great kid but I've ensured that DH now also has a relationship with DD. Now he does he has realised how ridiculous his behaviour was.

"Your husband has said when the baby gets older then they will do weekend things together which makes sense to me."

And maybe the child would then prefer to stay with the OP given that he will have no relationship with his father.

Good lord, if you have children you don't get to sit out the boring bits then start being a parent for the fun bits. That's not being a good parent.