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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think DP spends to much one-on-one time with son from past relationships?

180 replies

justalittlemilk · 20/07/2019 12:32

DP and I have a son who is 8 months old, and my only child. He has a son at 14 and a half years old (as well an adult daughter).

DP gets his son every weekend, he picks him up on the Saturday morning and drops him home on a Sunday evening. During this time I see him little to none, he spends the full time doing his sons hobby, or spending time with his adult daughter (who has not accepted our son so has no relationship with me nor him). It seems as soon as he picks up his son on the Saturday morning that my DS is forgotten. I totally appreciate the importance of spending time alone with his older son to maintain their relationship and so he doesn’t feel pushed out, but as I said it’s every weekend without fail literally since the day my DS was born.
I also understand that he only sees him once a week and wants to spend quality time with him, and he lives with our DS, but often he ends up working 6 days a week with Saturday being his only day off, and goes to work after he dropped him off on a Sunday.
When I speak to him about it he often talks about when our DS is old enough to go out and do stuff every weekend he will, but for me that’s only a small part of it, the other part is I’m left with all the care of our son, feeling like a single mother a lot of the time. I don’t live near my friends or family as when we moved in together we chose to live in his home town to keep him close to his other kids.
AIBU for feeling this way?

OP posts:
NoCauseRebel · 20/07/2019 14:04

Yes but the difference between a mother being bored of her baby and a sibling being bored of it is that the mother chose to have a baby.

I wonder whether the OP was already resentful of the fact the husband spent time with his DD and got pregnant in the hope he would then spend time with her? OP has been very evasive as to why the older DD refuses to spend time with her and how this all came about?

Children know if a step parent doesn’t like them because most step parents find it impossible to hide the fact.

hsegfiugseskufh · 20/07/2019 14:07

Children know if a step parent doesn’t like them because most step parents find it impossible to hide the fact

Most?????? Seriously? Hmm

NoCauseRebel · 20/07/2019 14:07

And maybe the child would then prefer to stay with the OP given that he will have no relationship with his father. what rubbish. The father has five days a week, every week to see his child with the OP. Nobody talks about other working fathers not having a relationship with their children do they? Parents in the forces? With jobs where they work away from home and only come home every six months?

Plenty of men don’t do the baby stage as it is. Plenty of families where there is more than one child end up doing separate things all the time because one child does one activity and the other does another....

Talk of his having no relationship with the baby when he gets to see it the majority of the time and only gets to see his other children for a day once a week is just hysterical bollocks.

LettuceBeFree · 20/07/2019 14:08

I totally agree with what @changedtempforprivacy has said.

JessicaWakefieldSV · 20/07/2019 14:08

Good lord, if you have children you don't get to sit out the boring bits then start being a parent for the fun bits. That's not being a good parent.

Exactly. Nobody should be giving this man a free pass just because the child is a baby. The suggestion is really gross.

hsegfiugseskufh · 20/07/2019 14:09

I wonder whether the OP was already resentful of the fact the husband spent time with his DD and got pregnant in the hope he would then spend time with her? OP has been very evasive as to why the older DD refuses to spend time with her and how this all came about?

Op already said the baby was as much his decision as hers. How rude to assume she had a baby to get more attention!

Maybe the dd is just not a nice person? Maybe she wouldn't accept being with anyone.

Badcat666 · 20/07/2019 14:10

OP - Does your partner spent the evenings with you and the baby when he gets in from work??

Yabbers · 20/07/2019 14:11

If I had another child I wouldn’t be able to spend a fraction of the one-on-one time with my DS as I currently do
Totally different. You would be there all the time. He literally only sees him two days a week.

often his only day off
Earlier you said both Saturday and Sunday every weekend. Which is it?

He has split up with his ex 7 years before I met him
So he’s been doing this for seven years and you want him to stop because it doesn’t suit you now?

hsegfiugseskufh · 20/07/2019 14:12

The father has five days a week, every week to see his child with the OP

He works ft..... babies generally go to bed early. He wont exactly get to spend any quality time.

Plenty of men don’t do the baby stage as it is. Plenty of families where there is more than one child end up doing separate things all the time because one child does one activity and the other does another...

You must know a lot of shit head men. All the dads i know have been involved in the baby stage. Why on earth wouldn't they be?

And yes but those fanilies you speak off will all socialise together too.

None of this is hysterical at all. I expect youre a fully paid up member of the ex wives club.

JessicaWakefieldSV · 20/07/2019 14:12

The father has five days a week, every week to see his child with the OP. Nobody talks about other working fathers not having a relationship with their children do they? Parents in the forces? With jobs where they work away from home and only come home every six months?

Pointless bringing up other situations. We are talking about this dad. Who is working 6 days a week and giving his only free day totally to only one of his children. In no universe is that right or fair.

LightsInOtherPeoplesHouses · 20/07/2019 14:13

The father has five days a week, every week to see his child with the OP.

What hours does he work? Is he home before the baby goes to bed? Is he making any effort at all? My DF worked long hours, often 12 hour shifts, I often didn't see him for a few days. Sometimes he had to work Christmas. But when he was around he made an effort to spend time with me, to take me out, to tell me stories, so we had a good relationship. But that's the point, he made the effort, like his father did, who also worked long hours, often away from home. It's not that it's impossible, it's that the work has to be put in when he is around.

hsegfiugseskufh · 20/07/2019 14:13

Earlier you said both Saturday and Sunday every weekend. Which is it he goes to work sun after dropping ds off.

So he’s been doing this for seven years and you want him to stop because it doesn’t suit you now?

No she wants him to spend time with their child also because their child is not any less important than his other children. Use some common sense ffs.

JessicaWakefieldSV · 20/07/2019 14:14

So he’s been doing this for seven years and you want him to stop because it doesn’t suit you now?

Because he as a new family that he has to also make time for.

ArnoldBee · 20/07/2019 14:15

You said something about more space? Does thus mean your home is small without enough bedrooms?

Rachbrown16 · 20/07/2019 14:16

Weekends involve my husband spending 80% of his time with his son, whilst I entertain the other two children (biologically mine). You know would be nice to have a different scene from my play at home mum life!
From my husband's point of view, he used to only have his son at weekends and made sure to make the most of all of those seconds, so there's an expectation set now? I wonder how old my kids will be when they begin to notice though?

Feelingwalkedover · 20/07/2019 14:17

I don't think you are being unreasonable op. I think you should both be included at weekends.you are all part of the same family .your dh is not being fair.you should all be together when his dc visit

NoCauseRebel · 20/07/2019 14:20

So what about other working parents? Parents in the forces? Nobody says that they don’t spend any time with their children and plenty don’t.

And you only have to look at the posts on here from people saying that their partners appear to be disinterested in the baby and with numerous responses which state that many men just don’t do the baby stage....

And the words “new family” say everything here.

And still we have no idea why the elder daughter has said she won’t see the OP or the baby. It’s very rarely as straightforward as that a child (because she would have been a child when they got together) is just a horrible person. And the fact the OP hasn’t elaborated on the reasons is very telling.

AE18 · 20/07/2019 14:20

Such bizarre logic from people on this subject.

People saying they came first and therefore their needs come first? Do you say this about full siblings? Is the world organised into a hierarchy with the oldest person being the most important, and the youngest the least? He made the choice to have all the children. If you're not willing to share the attention you give to your first children then you should not have more.

Similarly, saying they had no choice about him having another child and therefore should get to demand he spends literally no time with them is so bizarre, does an older sibling with parents who are still together get to take one parent away every weekend? Because they didn't have a choice either.

No children get to choose whether they have siblings. The parents do. They cannot be forced to like them, but they don't get to dictate that their father doesn't have any time with them (which he doesn't if it's every weekend and he works full time and comes home around/past baby's bedtime). And even if they do stomp their feet and try to demand this, no parent should ever consider saying yes to it.

Parents have an obligation to care for all of their children equally. If he comes home past bedtime on the weekdays, then weekends are his only time with his children and it needs to be divided equally or shared by all.

Also, if his daughter is an adult and has moved out then it's not really appropriate for him to leave his partner and baby EVERY weekend to stay with her, just as it wouldn't be appropriate for anyone to visit family every weekend alone when they have a partner and child at home. It's absolutely ridiculous to argue that an adult child is being abandoned by not having her father to stay every weekend, but an 8 month old isn't being abandoned by spending no time at all with their father. When we move out as adults we accept that we won't spend all of our time with our parents anymore, without seeing it as "abandonment".

He has a partner and baby child, his other children have a choice in whether they want a relationship with those people but they should NOT have the choice of whether he does.

People are so incredibly biased on this subject towards the "first" children it blows my mind.

Nanny0gg · 20/07/2019 14:23

Why doesn't their mother want to see them at weekends sometimes? That's the only time you can really relax with your children.

Could he not do the usual eow plus time in the week?

And what happens in the holidays?

hsegfiugseskufh · 20/07/2019 14:25

So what about other working parents? Parents in the forces? Nobody says that they don’t spend any time with their children and plenty don’t

Irrelevant but for arguments sake parents in the forces for example ususally spend time with their children on leave. They're also not proritising one child over another which is the problem here.

And you only have to look at the posts on here from people saying that their partners appear to be disinterested in the baby and with numerous responses which state that many men just don’t do the baby stage....

Yeah that doesnt make it ok....

And the words “new family” say everything here how would you describe it then? People use that phrase for ease.

And still we have no idea why the elder daughter has said she won’t see the OP or the baby. It’s very rarely as straightforward as that a child (because she would have been a child when they got together) is just a horrible person. And the fact the OP hasn’t elaborated on the reasons is very telling

Its not telling at all. Youre obviously convinced op is entirely to blame and want something to back you up.

AppropriateAdult · 20/07/2019 14:27

He shouldn't have agreed to have a baby that he wasn't prepared to parent. Or that he knew wouldn't be accepted by his other children. I wouldn't be happy with this either, OP.

Honeyroar · 20/07/2019 14:30

@AE18 the point is he's NOT spending ALL his time with his other kids, it's just one night. Do you think the OP would be happier if he spent five or six nights with the previous children and one night with her and her son? Because that's what the existing children get..

And we don't know why the daughter won't have contact, but it sounds like it's always been that way, perhaps the teenage boy likes that he sees his dad and sister? Perhaps it's nice that they get 24hrs as a family rather than ex family?

His existing children deserve time with him. And I say that as a stepmum who has had to deal with getting used to the fact that previous children do make a huge impact on your relationship and life.

Loveislandaddict · 20/07/2019 14:30

Can’t you do something altogether? Can you go and watch dc hobby?

Where does dc sleep over night? At your house? Can you do stuff altogether then?

hsegfiugseskufh · 20/07/2019 14:32

honey the baby doesnt actually spend any time with him though...

Being under the same roof when youre both asleep doesnt count

Honeyroar · 20/07/2019 14:32

Ps, I'm not saying it wouldn't be better if they could all spend time together as a family, but it doesn't seem to be an option (and we don't know why it's ended up that way).