AIBU to think we shouldn’t bail out DSD re wedding?

[4dogs]

DSD is getting married in about a month. She has booked a quite fancy hotel, I think it’s £60 per person, not sure how many she’s invited but quite a lot I think. I had wondered how she could afford it, she has a ds (3), works pt as a cleaner and her bf worked pt as a window cleaner but recently lost his job due to not bothering to turn up. Earlier this year we gave DSD £1k towards wedding and I believe her mother gave the same.

Last night DH’s ex called very upset to say DSD is very stressed, hasn’t the money to pay for it all, needs about £3k and had asked her mum to guarantee a loan, mum said no as wouldn’t be able to pay if DD defaulted. Ex is begging DH to come up with £3k, says it’s their responsibility and she will pay him back half at a few £ a week. DH is worried if she can’t get the money through a mainstream route DSD will end up borrowing from dangerous loan shark types and it will all end in violence.

We probably could scrape the £ together. I have £2.5k which I was maybe going to use for a cataract operation I need. However I feel if we do this then we will need to come up with the same amount of money for each of his other 2 dd’s should they get married and we wouldn’t be able to guarantee we’d be able to get hold of that amount of money again.

AIBU to think DSD should postpone wedding and have a ceremony that she can afford? DH and I got married 4 years’ ago, very low key and didn’t spend a lot, my DS got married last month, again had low key wedding in line with what he could afford.

DH and I are not well off. He started a business earlier this year which is going well but every penny earned is reinvested into equipment for business at the moment. He draws a very small wage and we live off that and my P/T earnings. I have a DD who starts secondary school in September so that’s a big expense looming plus I am
blind in one eye due to cataract and have been wanting to get it fixed but also reluctant to spend £2.5k on myself in case I need it for an emergency.

Should I help DH financially with this or should DSD make more realistic and affordable plans?

you must have a very open and honest discussion with your DH today otherwise this will fester. You have already said that if he caves in and finds the money then it will affect your relationship. You need to state your feelings very clearly.

I agree with this.

The DSD needs to learn to stand on her own two feet, and bailing her out doesn't help that.

So glad you are not giving up your savings for this!

In the talk with you DH I would try and address his idea that he needs to bail her out financially as otherwise she will go to a loan shark/ do something stupid.

As others have said, her needing money will come up again and again. This isn’t about the wedding, this is about her being shit with money and your DH trying to prevent the inevitable from happening. If someone is going to go to a loan shark they will one day do that.

Eventually she can (most likely will) end up in a mess, the question is how far does your DH want to drag you both down with her. I would want clarity on this given it’s my future!

You need to get firm with your DP. Ask him outright whether 60 people having a posh meal is more important than you being blind. Because that is the crux of it. You are feeling pressured to give up the money you have saved for your operation and to be quiet frank that is a fucking disgrace.

Your DH should not need telling that he would be doing his daughter much more of a favour by sitting down with her, as a pp said, with spreadsheets etc and help her find a way out of this mess by budgeting for the remainder of the wedding accordingly. Also, why has noone asked questions of this before. Everyone knew that a part time worker with an unemployed partner couldn't afford that wedding surely. Why weren't questions asked when they first mentioned the hotel? I'm guessing the plan was always for daddy to pay!!

No way.

I think family should help out where possible and was lucky my Dad gave me some towards our wedding but despite us both earning a good wage we only (!) spent a few grand on a low key wedding. We had been together years and already had DS. There's no need to get into debt for a wedding.

If she needed an op or was struggling to pay her childcare maybe but I'd still not be happy whilst she's working part time and he's not working at all. Tell them to get off their arses!

YANBU, but as others have said, she may be locked in to payment now as it is so soon until the wedding.

I would let her sink or swim, but it's easy to say that when it's not your own family. You and DH should insist on seeing all her financial arrangements for the wedding - see if any aspect CAN be cut or downgraded at this stage - photographer? evening entertainment? flowers? car? hair and makeup? - all potentially expensive and not essential. Are drinks paid or is it already a cash bar for guests?

She def needs to use any money she may be getting as gifts towards the wedding and not a honeymoon. She was very unwise to have a hen do (and prob fiancé a stag) when they can't pay for the actual wedding, and you should tell her so, but that ship has sailed. If she hasn't yet bought bridesmaids' dresses, she can cut them from the wedding.

Can she get more hours at work? Mr Waste Of Space can look after their DC if he isn't working.

If you do help her out (reluctantly), it must be clear that it is either a loan to be repaid, or an advance on future birthday/Christmas until all accounted for. Because of the unfairness to your other children and stepchildren.

Some of this is because of the giant wedding industry and the idea which seems to have got round that you MUST have every aspect of the thing that people with much higher disposable income do.

She should totally readjust her wedding expectations to match her budget.
I can't be doing with people putting themselves into debt for one fricking day.
Don't give her the money - it sets a dangerous precedent and you need it for your eyes, which are far more important.

Cancel the wedding , DSD will probably still have to pay for it at such short notice, but the courts would have to come up with a payment plan given her poor financial position. This will be the best option in the long run for her.

You say that you have a feeling that you and DH will fall out over this. Well this may be a good thing. No one should be asking someone to remain blind in one eye so their daughter can invite people to a meal they can't afford. Surely no-one would expect this of someone they love

Don't give her any money.

If you do, this will not be the last "emergency" loan you'll be called on for, I can promise you that!

If she borrows off a loan shark, that's her business. Her beloved sounds a twat.

Keep any money you might consider lending her for when she needs to be out of that toxic relationship in a hurry - probably with a couple of kids in tow! It'll come.

You sound switched on and sane. I'm so sorry about your eye operation. How bloody frustrating.

I think your problem is dh and his sense of obligation to his daughter.

I'd phrase it as he's not helping her if he bails her out. He's really not. It's not going to solve her money issues. She's not going to become money savvy. It won't stop her relying on more risky loan sharks in the future. It's teaching her she can get what she wants without having to pay - to the detriment of his business and your health.

This isn't a one off. She'll do it again. And what if you then can't scrape the money together? What if it pushes you to loan sharks? She won't learn.

And what about your other children? What does this tell them? Fuck it. Dsd doesn't need to earn or save. She can just ask for a handout, put everyone else in financial stress just so she can show off.

Honestly you sound sorted. You have to make your dh see he's not helping. Good luck. It would be a deal breaker if he couldn't see her fancy piss up was more important than your health.

OPs dh hasn't asked her for the money. He is talking about taking out a business loan.

Is that even possible? Would a reputable bank not want specific evidence that a loan was going to be used for the benefit of the business? I don't think "my daughter's wedding/poor financial choices" would count.

No they probably be separated this time next year. She is far too young and no steady income
Tell them to ask for cash as presents and pay for meal with money ask hotel to do a buffet instead of sit down meal to bring cost down
Cancel photographer loads of guests can take photos.
There is plenty of ways to cut the cost

Tbh, i would probably bail my DD out, in these circumstances, especially if the ex would pay her share.

You shouldn't put your savings into it. But if your DH chooses to spend his share of your household finances on his DD, then he should be able to do that.

What would effect my relationship is if a Partner tried to tell me what i could spend my money on, especially if it concerned my family.

OPs dh hasn't asked her for the money

No but he knows that she has the savings. He has no other realistic way of getting the money. The OP is feeling under pressure to give him the money. The implication is clearly there that he thinks they should use her money!

I'm not saying that I'd just throw money at ut, I'd talk threw cutting costs, as well.

Absolutely don't give the money. What if you have an emergency arise and need it.

She shouldn't have booked a wedding she can't afford. Weddings can be very cheap but instead she has planned a luxury expensive party that she doesn't need and has no means of paying for. She needs to learn responsibility. People have nice stuff when they work. Working is bloody hard and exhausting. The pay off is having money to buy nice things like luxury weddings and nice hotels etc. Your DSD has chosen to marry a bum who lost his job because he couldn't be arsed to turn up and she herself has chosen to have a child at 19. Absolutely no problem with that but there are sacrifices the same way that choosing not to have children in order to work and get a good job position often means sacrificing having a child until you are in your 30s or 40s. There are trade offs. You DSD has no right to ask for all your savings to fund a big party. Perhaps this is a good opportunity to allow her to assess how unreliable and lazy this fiancé of hers is.

Jesus I got married at 21. I spent just under £500 for everything as we just wanted to be married. Why people "spend" money they don't have is stupid! OP, don't bail them out. They have to work this out themselves!

Freespirit24

just because you had a low key wedding, does not mean she should.

No, she should have booked a low key wedding because that's all she can afford.

It is a bit different when you plan a wedding for the first time and you are young. As her mother said, it is their responsibility. You do not just like spending money on someone who is not your daughter. But you knew when you married him that he has a previous family and he should not just forget about them just because you are on the scene.

The daughter is an adult, living as part of a couple with a child of her own, not a child who's spent all her pocket money. Her financial situation is not her parents' responsibility. Clearly OP has not insisted they "just forget about them" as they've already paid out £1000 towards this wedding - equal to what was then given to OP's own child. That is fair. I also married at 22, we budgeted using our savings and scaled the day accordingly. We still had a lovely day.

OP, your DSD sounds like someone I know, she's spent her whole adult life begging and borrowing off family and friends, to the point that she feels she's entitled to it and has had fall outs with anyone who has refused. Please don't pay out your savings when you need them yourself.

Not a chance would I be bailing her out. Mine know I won’t pay for a wedding as it’s essentially a waste of money a the only important bit is the vows and the state of the relationship.

I’d be having harsh words though if mine worked little and had children to support.

Her and her partner sound way too young to be getting married...It sounds like neither of them have any common sense or financial responsibility.Now whilst it might be lovely to have a big day to impress your mates and show off a bit that is ok if you can afford it ...they cannot.I would be telling DH if he even thinks this is a good idea to set fire to the 3k in the garden cos that will be the last he ever sees of it an d the bonfire would probably last longer than the marriage anyway....Sounds like 2 petulant kids who need to grow up enabelling them not to is not doing anyone any favours....Stand your ground OP ...NO NO NO ....

This is such a difficult position to be in 4dogs. What makes it worse is that it doesn’t sound as if the wedding is actually a good idea, even if they were just proposing a round in the pub after the registry office.

It sounds from what you say that your husband will try and help. He is in a really difficult position and I would feel pushed into a corner by his ex and daughter in his situation but please don’t use your cataracts money. DSD and husband’s ex have left it very late to ask for help and probably there is not much left that can be cancelled but it should be a condition of your DH lending them money that they do a spreadsheet of what they plan to spend on the wedding. If nothing else, it might make them more reluctant to ask for money again. Using present money for the wedding is another good suggestion from posters but it may not be retrievable if they have used one of those honeymoon lists where guests buy their gift in advance.

For you

I have been thinking what would i do if this was one of my dc. If they needed bailing out for an emergency, or help improving their lives/starting a business/studying I would fall over backwards to help them. And I would do the same for DH’s children because I love him. But to have an expensive party? I really don’t think I would. No one has the right to have the wedding of their dreams if they can’t afford it.

Before we got married DH and I had many discussions about not starting married life in debt for a wedding, it’s the marriage that’s important not having a fancy day etc. It was my first wedding btw and it was lovely, we had a great time and guests said it was
one of the best weddings they’d ever been to because it was so unstressed and happy, we just wanted to be married! My son married a few weeks ago and their attitude was the same, they just wanted to be married because they love each other.

As others have mentioned I would rather be in a position to help DSD financially should she ever get rid of her fiancee and needed help getting back to work/starting her own business/doing more training or if there was a genuine emergency.

Also DH has not asked me to provide the money but in some ways I would rather do this than he either get a loan or take money out of the business. Business is making a small profit already and he could take money out but has been reinvesting everything in more equipment to continue to grow the business which I completely agree with.

I’ve been dithering about eye operation because I don’t feel comfortable spending such a large amount of money on myself!

Have had a quick word with DH, he feels torn because emotionally he wants to help his DD but logically he knows it is a dumb thing to do.

Someone asked about family conference. If it was my family I would have staged an intervention a long time ago! Problem is interventions require honesty and DSD’s mum is keeping this secret from other DD and her live in partner!

My view is actually hardening the more I think about it! DSD has 4 part time jobs, fiancee can’t be bothered to work on a regular basis. I think DSD has made all the plans and based her budget on fiancee working. If they were both working but needed a bit extra it would be different but if the groom to be can’t be arsed why should anyone else?

DH is going to contact DSD and go and talk to her and try and find out what is really going on.

Bailing her out will do no favours and she'll be back - by the sounds of it - when the relationship goes tits up, and again we she remarries and wants a fairytale wedding. She needs to grow up, and your DH needs to grow some balls.

Do you share/pool finances? Because - if so - why would you give his kid more than your own and in effect reward her for living above her means when, by the sounds of it, your son cut his coat according to his cloth.

It also doesn't sound like you can bail her out if DH has no savings and you have some saved up to give you back sight in one eye. It would be ridiculous to put his livelihood in jeopardy over this.

Sorry, I read that back and it sounds much more harsh than I intended. People like your DSD make me cross, not you!