AIBU to think we shouldn’t bail out DSD re wedding?

[4dogs]

DSD is getting married in about a month. She has booked a quite fancy hotel, I think it’s £60 per person, not sure how many she’s invited but quite a lot I think. I had wondered how she could afford it, she has a ds (3), works pt as a cleaner and her bf worked pt as a window cleaner but recently lost his job due to not bothering to turn up. Earlier this year we gave DSD £1k towards wedding and I believe her mother gave the same.

Last night DH’s ex called very upset to say DSD is very stressed, hasn’t the money to pay for it all, needs about £3k and had asked her mum to guarantee a loan, mum said no as wouldn’t be able to pay if DD defaulted. Ex is begging DH to come up with £3k, says it’s their responsibility and she will pay him back half at a few £ a week. DH is worried if she can’t get the money through a mainstream route DSD will end up borrowing from dangerous loan shark types and it will all end in violence.

We probably could scrape the £ together. I have £2.5k which I was maybe going to use for a cataract operation I need. However I feel if we do this then we will need to come up with the same amount of money for each of his other 2 dd’s should they get married and we wouldn’t be able to guarantee we’d be able to get hold of that amount of money again.

AIBU to think DSD should postpone wedding and have a ceremony that she can afford? DH and I got married 4 years’ ago, very low key and didn’t spend a lot, my DS got married last month, again had low key wedding in line with what he could afford.

DH and I are not well off. He started a business earlier this year which is going well but every penny earned is reinvested into equipment for business at the moment. He draws a very small wage and we live off that and my P/T earnings. I have a DD who starts secondary school in September so that’s a big expense looming plus I am
blind in one eye due to cataract and have been wanting to get it fixed but also reluctant to spend £2.5k on myself in case I need it for an emergency.

Should I help DH financially with this or should DSD make more realistic and affordable plans?

DH doesn’t have the money to lend her and neither do you. Postponing for a year or two sounds like the best bet.

This is a very difficult problem that çould potentially leave you all with questions about whom you really trust, for years to come.
When I made the big decision to marry my then fiance, he had been married twice before, both small registry occasions and I had never been married at all.
He wanted a very low key do because he had very few to invite and I had a small group of friends plus family.
How ever I am a Christian with very strong Church of England beliefs and at the time of the wedding, my Son and I attended church every Sunday.
So we had a church wedding but not a big posh one, followed by a small photos session in the church grounds and a evening buffet in the parish hall, after the late afternoon wedding.
My dress was chosen and paid for over many months, a close friend offered to ribbon up his car and act as my chauffeur, another friend made the buffet, did the cake and gave my guests warm drinks as well as wine.
There was no alcohol license so no one got drunk and no loud disco, just quiet music whilst guests talked and relaxed.
Comments afterwards ranged from how lovely it all was and so friendly, how every one got along and other nice comments and only one invited guest turned down our invite on the excuse that she did not attend such poorly chosen receptions.
Financially I gave us a wedding budget we coud afford with out missing out the traditional needed things but without spending or wasting money on things we did not need.
Sadly we are no longer together, but I still have fond memories of the ceremony and the reception and the happiness, with out getting us into unaffordable debts.

Goodness.

So DSD's own mother is refusing to be guarantor for a loan...because if daughter does not pay mum will not be able to afford it - mum clearly believes daughter will not keep up with re-payments.
What has the groom's family contributed?
Shouldn't it all have been paid in full by now - is this money even for the wedding? Is it even for DSD? Why is DSD's mother asking for it, in a sly/secretive way?

It is bonkers to have a party that you can't afford.
DSD's dad needs to ask what's going on and needs to advise of ways to cut back, save and sort out her finances.

Bless you OP, you sound kind and fair. Don't let this mess up hour plans for your operation.

They shouldn't book what they can't pay for. They should cancel. Your partner needs to realise you can't afford it either.

No no and no

I don’t loan money any more - I’ve been burned too many times.
Now, although it’s rare anyone asks, I give the money as a gift.
Saves a lot of frustration & hurt feelings.
With a part-time job & fiancé not working, it doesn’t even sound like DSD is in a position to pay you back. What will you do if you loan them the money & they default on the loan? Can you afford to simply write it off & forgive them?
Think about it.

If you had the money, I would say give it to them. However, it doesn't sound like you do, unfortunately.

Can your DH get a loan to cover it?

Yabu, why should her dad not help her out with her wedding, and its none of your concern and quite frankly yabu posting on here about something which has nothing to do with you.

What a ghastly mess; DSD and her fiance sound like a right pair of n'er do wells. Power to your DH for arranging a family pow wow to get the facts. This pair of clowns should not be enabled. If DSD ends up in debt, that's her look out. Glad to hear you are NOT donating your cataract money.

I hope the DH talking to his daughter doesn't result in him caving and putting himself and maybe the OP in debt for his feckless daughter and soon to be son in law.

OP hold onto that hard worked for cash to pay for your operation. It's a scandal that the NHS are letting you down here and you are having to fund this essential treatment yourself. Don't give in to mid-placed guilt or any other reason to use that money for anything but your operation. 🌹

🤞🤞🤞 your DH stays strong. What a blummin nightmare DSD sounds. I hope it all works out for you and DH

Nope, wouldn't give them a bean. Weddings are wasted money, and they cannot afford to have a big one. Tough. Go to the registry office.

Very long thread so have not rtft. Sorry if this suggestion has been made. Could her wedding guests for a wedding present make a financial contribution to the wedding. Every contribution could add up to the amount they need. This is instead of buying a wedding gift not here's some money and a gift. So they will have to be happy with not having presents to open. I had a wedding invite where guests could put money into a honeymoon fund instead of a gift and they had a great honeymoon in Vanuatu.

I would give her the benefit of a tough life lesson. Don't give her the money, let her and her soon to be DH learn to live within their means. And let her see that her soon to be DH is too lazy to get off his arse and work for something that's important to her.

By " lending the money you are enabling their lifestyle, you need to say no we cannot afford it. It's really that simple, and your right it will be expected by the other children. You are living within your means, and she is not. They need to pros pone and work and save. Please say no and please have your operation which is far more important which you have saved for

My daughter who is pretty shy anyway although she has a good bunch of lovely friends surprised us on her return from a holiday a few years back with good news. She and her boyfriend of 7 years had got married whilst on holiday in Mexico. She then shyly showed me a little grey picture of their baby bump and to top it all had secured a beautiful home in the Cotswolds. My friends asked was I upset, upset no I was thrilled to bits! We have had many, many family celebrations since in their beautiful home. Its the marriage which is more important than the wedding.

Just to chuck in my tuppence worth... don’t give them any more money. It’ll just get pissed away like the rest of it

sunnybean60, interesting view but dh and i share resources and have always said it’s important to treat all our children the same so it is my business. I have left possibly identifiable details out of my posts and therefore feel free to post what I like.

Don't pay it

they need to learn that they cant have things they cant afford and borrowing is not the way to do it.

@MarieFromStTropez, DH’s initial reaction was he’d get a loan or take money out of the business, I said I’d rather use my savings than either of those options. Having thought about it more though neither of us think we should come up with the money. Groom to be is not working, lost his job because he stopped turning up. If he can’t he arsed to work to provide for his family/pay for his wedding why should we? DSD must have known for months she can’t afford it but at last minute has been trying to get guarantor loans to pay for it.
I think they need to cancel it. If they actually want to be married we will pay registry office fee, if they want a big wedding day they’ll have to save up for it themselves. They could afford to hire a hot tub for the weekend very recently! The more I think about the whole situation the more annoyed I’m getting! DH works 14 hr+ days 6 or 7 days a week getting his business up and running, DSD’s fiancee does not bother to work at all!

Oceanbliss, it’s a good idea but I don’t think it would work. Fiancee’s family have not contributed at all, I don’t think many (any?) of them work so wedding gifts would prob be £20-50, their friends are all young and skint, main presents have been from her mother and me and dh, she has had £2k towards costs. Their wedding invites ask for money as presents towards honeymoon, I think they’ll be lucky to get enough for a night in a cheap b&b. She had a hen night recently, about 8 of them in a hotel somewhere. The whole thing is ridiculous.

You have to be realistic, you'll never see that money again if you "lend it. Its not a loan, your future DSD 's husband will drink it, it probably won't even make it to the venue so don't do it. I'd die on this hill if it were me, I'd be willing to issue an ultimatum over it but I'm a firm believer in cutting your cloth to suit your budget

This is like trying to plug a 10 metre wide tear in a swimming pool with a metre of duct tape. 3k is not doing to solve any of their problems but will create many for you.

Why waste your precious savings on someone who has no intention of paying the money back? By bailing her out she is not learning how to manage her own money. She needs to grow up. She'll have to postpone the wedding and save up. Like everyone else!

This really is a case of not your circus, not your monkeys. The emotional blackmail being applied to your husband then you is terrible. Just say no.