AIBU to think we shouldn’t bail out DSD re wedding?

[4dogs]

DSD is getting married in about a month. She has booked a quite fancy hotel, I think it’s £60 per person, not sure how many she’s invited but quite a lot I think. I had wondered how she could afford it, she has a ds (3), works pt as a cleaner and her bf worked pt as a window cleaner but recently lost his job due to not bothering to turn up. Earlier this year we gave DSD £1k towards wedding and I believe her mother gave the same.

Last night DH’s ex called very upset to say DSD is very stressed, hasn’t the money to pay for it all, needs about £3k and had asked her mum to guarantee a loan, mum said no as wouldn’t be able to pay if DD defaulted. Ex is begging DH to come up with £3k, says it’s their responsibility and she will pay him back half at a few £ a week. DH is worried if she can’t get the money through a mainstream route DSD will end up borrowing from dangerous loan shark types and it will all end in violence.

We probably could scrape the £ together. I have £2.5k which I was maybe going to use for a cataract operation I need. However I feel if we do this then we will need to come up with the same amount of money for each of his other 2 dd’s should they get married and we wouldn’t be able to guarantee we’d be able to get hold of that amount of money again.

AIBU to think DSD should postpone wedding and have a ceremony that she can afford? DH and I got married 4 years’ ago, very low key and didn’t spend a lot, my DS got married last month, again had low key wedding in line with what he could afford.

DH and I are not well off. He started a business earlier this year which is going well but every penny earned is reinvested into equipment for business at the moment. He draws a very small wage and we live off that and my P/T earnings. I have a DD who starts secondary school in September so that’s a big expense looming plus I am
blind in one eye due to cataract and have been wanting to get it fixed but also reluctant to spend £2.5k on myself in case I need it for an emergency.

Should I help DH financially with this or should DSD make more realistic and affordable plans?

If I was you I would call the venue and find out what is outstanding and what their rescheduling policy is if she can reschedule for say a week later (probably not due to how fast they book up) she would save £1800 so would only need £1200 but like you said she’s a liar and you need to know the money is going on the wedding in the first place I would also expect receipts and to be present at conversions with the hotel where you find out exactly what can be done. That’s if your DH does decide he needs to bail her out personally I wouldn’t as you will never see that money again!

Ive just read the whole thread. I am close to 100% this money has nothing to do with this wedding. Either your DH ex needs it or you SD fiancee is threatening/blackmailing/pressuring for it.
Any money you do give them make sure you know where its actually going eg make the payment to the venue (altho i dont think you should pay anything).
I would perhaps put £20 a month away for the emergency divorce which is 18months away.

I just cannot understand why you can't get the op on the NHS. I've had both eyes done in the last couple of years.
And no, don't pay for DSD's expensive wedding. She didn't discuss finances with you beforehand so its her choice and her responsibility.
Its perfectly possible to get married for very little money, keeping the numbers down to close friends and close family. The whole wedding business has become insane.

From another angle, anybody who would consent to spending your operation savings on a wedding is a twat and deserves nothing from you, anyway. That would go for your dh too. How much is the operation? I'd be horrified if you haven't enough yet and your dh is talking about taking out a loan for this.

Get your operation!

No do not give her the money. Once you start this they will always rely on you for financial aid. I understand that a wedding is meant to be the best day of your life but if you can't afford it don't get married. Simple also is your health not more important. Get the operation for your eyes.

If I were you I would book the cataract operation ASAP- that’s the emergency you’ve saved the money for. You have to prioritise your health. The money is no longer part of the equation then.

If I was you I would call the venue and find out what is outstanding This would make no difference to my decision but a panderer like your DH might be swayed if you were to find out that there is no booking or that it was paid up ages ago like she said on FB.

Being totally cynical here, I would imagine that she would never had the funds to pay this and predicted a last minute panic/tears would produce the desired funds from Mum/Dad and SM.

Really bad situation but £3k obviously won't make it any better - and that's what you need to focus on. I also wouldn't bank on this money being paid back ever if you were to give it to her!

It would be good to discuss your DH's response at some length to help him come across as supportive - he should express some empathy (even if he's not feeling it!)

He may want to talk about how expensive weddings are these days and ask if there's anything else he can do to help. Ask her what she's going to do about it (in a supportive way). What other options are available, at this stage? Can they postpone a wedding by a year and save enough money for this standard of wedding by then?

I would keep it at the back of my mind that DSD may feel under unreasonable influence and pressure from her boyfriend. There may be bullying / abuse going on that you're not aware of. Don't give the money but be kind anyway.

I agree that booking your operation is wise. You need it.

Has your dh spoken to his daughter to find out what is actually going on?

Sounds like someone is lying and if the daughter says it's all ok then you know its the wife and actually daughter and future hubby might not be as much of a waste as you may think?

I would also phone the venue and see if you can find out the balance to pay if there is one.

No, if she can't afford it she should scale it back to something cheaper. It shouldn't be about the price tag, it should be about the marriage vows. You can have just as memorable and beautiful day on a much smaller budget if you are creative. My parents paid for the majority of our wedding costs but we kept them as low as possible by doing as much as we could ourselves- cake, flowers (silk in advance), bought drinks from France for bar as the bar we booked let us down the week before, we got a friend to drive us and we had table cameras rather than a professional photographer. It was a lovely day and I wouldn't have changed it for a more lavish one for the world. I would rather have kept the cost down than enter into married life with a huge debt hanging over me.

So I’m 26 and just got married on NYE past. I come from a small, traditional family and am extremely fortunate that my parents paid for our wedding. I am appalled at what I have read regarding your DSD behaviour, and cannot believe her attitude or actions.
As my parents were footing the bill, we ran every single thing by them. In fact, I was unbelievably chilled out about the whole day and as you say OP, was much of the opinion that it was about the marriage that follows and not the day itself. My family were the only reason we went big, as I am the first of my generation to get married and am the only daughter and closest granddaughter in the family.
There are a few things I would query with her, if she is brazen enough to ask for more cash she should be willing to answer. How much is she being charged for the venue, and if it is more than the prices you have seen online, ask what the extra is for. What is she willing to compromise on, does she have an expensive makeup artist booked when a friend could do it (or she could do it herself!), have they booked cars / band / DJ / 100 white doves to be released that aren’t necessary! If she really wants the day to go ahead she will need to change her original plan. I would ask where the original £2k has been spent, and how they planned to afford it.
Also, we started receiving wedding gifts weeks before our wedding. If she got the £3k, would she redirect the wedding money towards paying it back? Surely that would be more important than a honeymoon.. which would no doubt be to somewhere fancy and flashy just for the pictures on Facebook!
If her mother won’t ask her own partner to help, but will ask your DH then there is something off with their relationship and very little trust. Yes, your husband is right to be torn as it is his daughter, but she is also an adult now. Plus, you are right to say you cannot make a difference between all your children.
All that considered, personally I don’t think you should give her any more money. It sounds like she is trying to live an unsustainable lifestyle and maintain a toxic relationship and I don’t think it would be healthy to indulge her.
Your health and relationship with your DH are far more important. If I for one second thought I was asking for money that was earmarked for surgery or that I was putting a strain on my parents relationship then I would be devastated. If she’s made aware of these facts but is still willing to take your money for a farce of a big day then she will show her true colours and show DH what she really thinks of him!

You need to put you and yours first if you put off cataract opp for too long you run the risk off difficulties and the chance to see your own daughter wed - tbh I’d feel feel sorry for them and want to give what I could but I’ve learned the hard way that people will step on you to help themselves and won’t always help you ... so no I’d not offer any more money if she can’t afford afford she needs to reign her ideas in xx I hope she sorts it’s out - perhaps you could all donate some money toward the costs Maybe but keep it real and on par with what others donate ! D3Finately no more than 50 £

Oh, OP. I have only skimmed the thread, but my gut is telling me that this a ploy to get extra money out of your dh and that it has next to nothing to do with paying for the wedding. You've said at the start that the ex and dad have form for lying and scheming. I believe their story to be a lie and that despite her promise, ex has no intention of paying back any of it. If dad wants to be married, she can do so in a more financially manageable way. It sounds though, as if she actually wants a wedding. If that is the case, she needs to postpone it until she can afford the day she wants. You have your operation ' that's far more important than her day long boozefest.

@MaintainTheMolehill it has occurred to me they may already have credit card debt which is why DSD has asked her mum to guarantor one of those Amigo loans or similar. I also think it’s unlikely a loan shark would lend her £3k, they might not mind breaking bones but they run a business and want to get their money back.

I think the reason DSD as not approached her df directly is because she knows he will not be impressed and that he has a low opinion of her feckless fiance.

I can’t find the fb post about having paid for the wedding, I’m sure I saw it but maybe I’m wrong.

I don’t think the wedding can be changed enough to save £3k at this stage. I think she will either have to find the money from who knows where or cancel/postpone.

@PeoniesarePink, I think she based her budget on fiancee working full time (which he did for about 3 weeks)! I have been saying for a long time that I don’t understand how they afford their lifestyle never mind pay for a fancy wedding, it’s never added up. She must have known for at least 6 months that she’s not going to be able to pay for it. 6 weeks to go and she’s begging her mum to guarantee a loan, ridiculous.

DH is seeing her tomorrow so hopefully things will become clearer.

Ask yourself why your DH think that it’s OK for you to not have this important eye surgery so someone can just squander your savings?

Dsd is an independent woman and has made over ambitious plans that she cannot pay for. If she is disappointed in her mother and father's responses then tough. She has to see that it is unwise to put herself in so much debt for a single day. If she chooses to do so then she must live with the consequences and not throw guilt at others for not bailing her out. If she wants the wedding of her dreams then she and her partner should work to pay for it.
You use that money on yourself to improve your quality of life. You both made the decision to contribute a fixed amount. If you pay any more you will never see it again.
She will never learn to sort herself out if you don't stand firm now

God this is ridiculous! She could definitely have had a lovely wedding for £2000! It's crazy to spend so much more money then you can afford.

A wedding is not essential...they can get married for few 100 in registry office.
Your eyesight is essential to you.
Spend your money on your op.
If you loan it you will never get it back.
If you want to gift it ypur choice but why should you? Offer 500 for a small registry office and pub lunch for immediate family.

No way. Please don't give away your operation money. My dad's waiting for his eye op and he cannot wait, as it's supposedly life changing. She has to learn a valuable lesson which is budgeting. At worst she can delay the wedding. She could even cancel it for a registry office and a small sit down meal. What if you gift it and the wedding never happens?! Look after your health first. No ones going to put you first apart from you, so make sure you do. You deserve a healthy life and being able to see.

Your ‘D’SD is being an absolute lunatic.

YANBU to keep YOUR money. For the PP asking why OP can’t get the operation via the NHS - that’s not the point in my opinion. Even if OP didn’t need the money for an operation it’s hers and her DH’s money.

My DH and I paid the basic fee for a pleasant but small registry office wedding, we were so happy that we didn’t go to all of the hassle of a big arrangement (we wouldn’t have been able to afford anything like that anyway) and now we’re saving up where we can to do a renewal and have a bit of a party afterwards.

Your SD needs to realise that there is no bank of Mum and Dad (and Step Mum) - I’m so glad her Mum refused to guarantee the loan.

If she has form for living outside of her means then I would imagine she has debts with loans/credit cards as usually people only opt for guarantor loans if they can’t qualify for a standard loan (due to low credit rating). My cousin lived like this for a while when she was younger and because I was working within the credit reference sector she asked me to help her go through her loans, cards and what have you. She had a lot of different cards (store cards and credit cards) and had convinced herself she was doing okay because she wasn’t near the limit on any. But when we added up each and every one it came to a substantial amount. She hadn’t considered the impact that has on lending criteria.

I feel for you OP. I think it is important that all children are treated equally and this is especially important where step children are concerned, so if lending (giving) your DSD £3k means you won't be able to afford to be equitable, then don't do it. However your DH is her father and understandably torn, regardless of how feckless his DD may be.
But if you and he are tempted to help her out then make sure you do so with your eyes wide open. DSD should provide proof of her predicament; an explanation of why she claimed it was all paid for when she is now claiming it isn't and any money you give should be paid directly to the venue via an invoice with a receipt and not given to exes or irresponsible offspring.

It should also be made clear that for DSD the bank of DF is closed and there will be no more money coming her way so don't ask.

I too have a tricky DSD who got herself into financial difficulties with a waste of space boyfriend, we helped her out and she took the p*as so we had to take a firm line with her. She cut contact with us for several months but we had to let her find her own way. She came back of her own accord and we welcomed her back unquestioningly but she came back a reformed character. 5 years on she still treats us with much more respect than she ever did before and our relationship is much improved. Sometimes as a parent your love has to be tough. Good Luck.

DO NOT GIVE HER YOUR MONEY!

I hope your DH stays strong when he speaks to her tomorrow, it sounds like she needs some tough love, not another handout.