AIBU to think we shouldn’t bail out DSD re wedding?

[4dogs]

DSD is getting married in about a month. She has booked a quite fancy hotel, I think it’s £60 per person, not sure how many she’s invited but quite a lot I think. I had wondered how she could afford it, she has a ds (3), works pt as a cleaner and her bf worked pt as a window cleaner but recently lost his job due to not bothering to turn up. Earlier this year we gave DSD £1k towards wedding and I believe her mother gave the same.

Last night DH’s ex called very upset to say DSD is very stressed, hasn’t the money to pay for it all, needs about £3k and had asked her mum to guarantee a loan, mum said no as wouldn’t be able to pay if DD defaulted. Ex is begging DH to come up with £3k, says it’s their responsibility and she will pay him back half at a few £ a week. DH is worried if she can’t get the money through a mainstream route DSD will end up borrowing from dangerous loan shark types and it will all end in violence.

We probably could scrape the £ together. I have £2.5k which I was maybe going to use for a cataract operation I need. However I feel if we do this then we will need to come up with the same amount of money for each of his other 2 dd’s should they get married and we wouldn’t be able to guarantee we’d be able to get hold of that amount of money again.

AIBU to think DSD should postpone wedding and have a ceremony that she can afford? DH and I got married 4 years’ ago, very low key and didn’t spend a lot, my DS got married last month, again had low key wedding in line with what he could afford.

DH and I are not well off. He started a business earlier this year which is going well but every penny earned is reinvested into equipment for business at the moment. He draws a very small wage and we live off that and my P/T earnings. I have a DD who starts secondary school in September so that’s a big expense looming plus I am
blind in one eye due to cataract and have been wanting to get it fixed but also reluctant to spend £2.5k on myself in case I need it for an emergency.

Should I help DH financially with this or should DSD make more realistic and affordable plans?

The cataract operation money is for your health care! Use it only for your eyes!
She needs to make less expensive plans, and spend her own money.

Some of the best/special times I have seen a wedding where the marriage lasted, were elopements. Lots of people who have large weddings seem to get married for the wrong reasons from what I have seen personally. If she doesn't have the money, she needs to elope, but you can all attend and it will still be a lovely day.

YANBU.

It sounds like, if it does go ahead, it will be one very awkward wedding. I can’t wait for you to pop back and fill us in after the happy day!

Haven’t read whole thread admittedly but if it were me I would say that DSD’s father is willing to put in another £500 to give her some breathing room to adjust some plans to more affordable ones but since you aren’t in a position to give the other DDs £1k plus another £3k when it’s their turn that you just can’t do it for this one. She has planned a wedding she can not afford. My husband and I got married and the entire wedding party in the pub with some food his suit and my dress and cake etc it came to about £300. The rings were an extra £300 between both but we got those the year before when we had tried to get married but then I got pregnant and couldn’t justify the original expensive wedding when I was going to be on maternity leave dropping our income from 2 full time wages. That is what your DSD should be doing.

Absolutely not OP! Your DSD needs a bloody lesson in reality! I had a spanking wedding - did most of the stuff myself, called in favours the lot! My parents paid 1k, which they’d offered for something else but we didn’t need any longer so had the money for our wedding instead. I had 40 people, a proper white wedding all for 2.5k

Your sight is more important than her fancy wedding.

She needs to rethink it.

Absolutely no way should you be expected to fork out your life savings for this.

I'd frame it this way with DH:

Your DH won't be giving money to his DD really, he will be giving it to the loser boyfriend.

Remind him he wants loser boyfriend to fuck off. Nothing gets rid of a cocklodger faster than the money being cut off.

That lad will have her taking out debt in her name until the money dries up then he will leave.

If your DH wants to help his DD he should hang onto his money ready to use it to help her when cocklodger finally does fuck off. Nudging the cocklodger closer to the fucking off moment by refusing money helps everyone.

If she would go to a dodgy shark now, she will do it later too whenever bf wants another hot tub or Sky or whatever. It's a matter of timing that's all. DH needs to keep his fund to help her when he fucks off.

Please have your operation.

And don't financially fund this farce. Why make it easier for her to marry an absolute cocklodger loser who will make her life a misery? Because he will.

I suggest your dh asks what has happened to the £2k, I bet it's not all gone on the wedding!!!!!

Shes already received 2k between yourself and her mother which I think is more than generous. I think she should definitely postpone or at the very least rethink about what she's spending her budget on and make some cutbacks.

I think you know you should get the cataract op done ASAP.

If you lose your sight you will have enough problems with that alone to be dealing with. You say you are thinking of keeping the money back in case you need something else later that comes up as urgent. Sight is one of those things.

Don’t delay do it.

Book it for around the time of the wedding and don’t then up for medical reasons.

If they want the wedding they need to afford to pay for it. They should delay if they aren’t going to lose the money and have the wedding when they can afford it. Or book a registry office and enjoy a drink and a home made finger buffer with everyone in the local village hall

I am probably going to get slated for this but here goes, Your DSD already has a 3 year old? so doesnt really believe in putting the horse before the cart and fancies a party? and hasnt budgeted for this? All I can think is she is being a selfish little madam and that this could of been a deposit on a home of there own? or something far more sensible, You should have your operation love your quality of life is far more important and I truly think if you let her borrow the money and pay you back over a few years she will be paying you back long after this realationship lasts

Your DH needs to sit down with his ex and the couple and discuss finances. 1. How did they afford the hot tub. 2. What has been paid for. 3. What has the money gone on? 4.What budget cuts can they make? Cheaper dress/car/flowers etc. Then you can work out how things stand.

Nope nope and nope. Don't give them the money. He's hardly husband material by the likes of it so she shouldn't be marrying him anyway. You need the operation. She doesn't need to marry a waste of space.
If you have to do it for one then you'd have to do it for all of them so it would be too much hassle in the long run too.
If she goes to loan sharks then she goes to loan sharks. You're not being harsh saying no.
Also, giving them money shows you approve of her marrying him.
Don't do it.

If she said a few weeks ago everything had been paid for - what has changed?

Did they forget something? Decide to add some last minute luxury? Are they trying to get a sneaky contribution to the honeymoon instead? Your DH def needs to insist on seeing all the financial paperwork - and then still say no.

People like this make my blood boil. Is there no sense of responsibility any more? When I got married I was on an average salary, as was DH and we could have had a bigger more expensive wedding (and paid for it later) but our priority was buying a house and maintaining two cars that allowed us to work on our careers. We didn't compete with anybody (there was no social media or reality TV back then) and had a fantastic wedding without the bling. Even considering a wedding that costs £60 a head is ridiculous when both parties work part time.

However, as parents, I'm shocked that when you and DH (and DSD's mum) heard about the cost of the wedding that you didn't raise this with her to make sure she was being realistic. This could have been nipped in the bud a long time ago. The bride and groom don't sound very mature and need to learn that they must live within their means. You have done enough regarding financing the wedding and there is no way you should feel obliged to hand over your hard earned savings to them. They will learn nothing from that other than you are an easy touch and they won't think twice about excessive spending in the future.

I'm sorry if this is harsh but they need a bit of tough love.

She knew what she was doing. Shes old enough to sort her own issues out. I got married at 20 and would never dream of doing this. Its also not your problem. You need to explain to your dh how you feel about it then he can make an informed decision. Its you SD issue, i bet her fiancee hasnt asked his family

@4dogs - you are not a bitch. And you are not being unreasonable to refuse to bail her out.

I haven’t RTFT but i think her dad needs to let her know that a wedding is not a marriage...it sounds like this 22yo wants a wedding and hasn’t considered a marriage. If she is housing association then they are not necessarily in a position to be funding the big white wedding.

YOU NEED A CATARACT OPERATION...that money would help you for life, it sounds like they’ll be married for two years!!!!

I would tell them if they can't afford the wedding planned to do a cheaper wedding, it's about the day and family/friends not about the extravagance

I have £2.5k which I was maybe going to use for a cataract operation I need

No to your DSD. Just No.

And any person who could even think that having a wedding you can't afford is more important than a member of your family being able to see ...? words fail.

There's nothing wrong with having an expensive wedding if you live in a housing association home. She can't get 0% interest credit card or loans (the same as a lot of people) - just wanted to clarify those 2 points.

She definitely shouldn't be given any more money. Even Sanny the leg breaker wouldn't give her and her unemployed bf money - you can't get blood from a stone.

If your dh gives her the money he is failing her and setting her up for a life time of thinking she can run to Daddy to fix things. At 22 and bring a Mum, she needs to know that she has to take responsibility. This is a life lesson that she will move on from.

You are not a bad person for saying No, especially as it wouldn't be fair on other children in the family in the future.

Wow, they actually went for a bank holiday when they could have saved money.

The other point is that most brides have all been there. They book a wedding, set the date, think they can afford it and then one or two things happen along the way and the wedding gets out of hand or its all a bit much.

So most brides don't have two brain cells to rub together and cannot plan a wedding they can actually afford?

Yeah, right.