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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think we shouldn’t bail out DSD re wedding?

498 replies

4dogs · 20/07/2019 07:02

DSD is getting married in about a month. She has booked a quite fancy hotel, I think it’s £60 per person, not sure how many she’s invited but quite a lot I think. I had wondered how she could afford it, she has a ds (3), works pt as a cleaner and her bf worked pt as a window cleaner but recently lost his job due to not bothering to turn up. Earlier this year we gave DSD £1k towards wedding and I believe her mother gave the same.

Last night DH’s ex called very upset to say DSD is very stressed, hasn’t the money to pay for it all, needs about £3k and had asked her mum to guarantee a loan, mum said no as wouldn’t be able to pay if DD defaulted. Ex is begging DH to come up with £3k, says it’s their responsibility and she will pay him back half at a few £ a week. DH is worried if she can’t get the money through a mainstream route DSD will end up borrowing from dangerous loan shark types and it will all end in violence.

We probably could scrape the £ together. I have £2.5k which I was maybe going to use for a cataract operation I need. However I feel if we do this then we will need to come up with the same amount of money for each of his other 2 dd’s should they get married and we wouldn’t be able to guarantee we’d be able to get hold of that amount of money again.

AIBU to think DSD should postpone wedding and have a ceremony that she can afford? DH and I got married 4 years’ ago, very low key and didn’t spend a lot, my DS got married last month, again had low key wedding in line with what he could afford.

DH and I are not well off. He started a business earlier this year which is going well but every penny earned is reinvested into equipment for business at the moment. He draws a very small wage and we live off that and my P/T earnings. I have a DD who starts secondary school in September so that’s a big expense looming plus I am
blind in one eye due to cataract and have been wanting to get it fixed but also reluctant to spend £2.5k on myself in case I need it for an emergency.

Should I help DH financially with this or should DSD make more realistic and affordable plans?

OP posts:
Pinktinker · 21/07/2019 10:20

This is absolutely bonkers. You’re blind in one eye and have saved your hard earned cash to have an operation which will help you see again. Of course that money should only be going on your life altering surgery, not on anything else!

She should not have booked a wedding she plainly can’t afford. It’s her own fault and if she wants to get into debt through loans, a credit card or whatever it may be then so be it. Her own fault. You and DH can’t bail her out here. You already gave her 1k to get married to a man neither of you even like.

Pinktinker · 21/07/2019 10:23

I just can’t believe the audacity to even ask tbh, especially when you already gave them 1k towards it.

In the past when I was a hard up student I’d ask my Mum to send me £10 or £20 for food/electric/gas/petrol etc. I’d never have the cheek to ask for any more than that. I know someone who recently asked her Dad for 15k towards a new car and he is not a wealthy man. It just astounds me.

EileenAlanna · 21/07/2019 11:31

they hired a hot tub for the weekend! Lots of pictures of fiancee fishing mid week with lots of fishing equipment
I'd say that's where the £2k they've already had has gone, living the "dream", big spenders with a high end lifestyle to show off to their friends.

notapizzaeater · 21/07/2019 11:38

I'd make sure DH remembers they hired the hot tub recently before he meets his dad

Original poster
4dogs · 21/07/2019 12:06

EileenAlanna I think you hit the nail on the head with that comment, it’s all about FB posts with captions like ‘I love my life’ whilst lazing in a hot tub with booze in hand! When she first booked the venue she posted it on FB, a few of her friends said what a lovely venue, we looked but couldn’t afford it etc.

I have drawn DH’s attention to the hot tub post and pointed out that if the groom to be won’t work to provide for his family why should we!

Then I looked at the venue. Actual basic package plans aren’t too dire, about £2,200 for 50 and actual venue hire is free unless you book a bank holiday weekend when it is £1,800. And yes, they have booked a bank holiday weekend! So that’s £4k. I think they must have also upgraded the food and entertainment packages cos £4k - £2k would leave them £2k short but apparently they are £3k short so who knows what’s really been going on. About 9 months ago she posted on FB that she’d just finished paying for it all!

I think there is a whole web of lies and deceit going on here, I’d be interested to get to the bottom of it but it’s irrelevant in a lot of ways because the bottom line is we are not coughing up £3k for a party!

If they want to be married we will pay the registry office fees but that’s all.

If she cancels the venue will probably chase her for outstanding balance and she’d have to come up with a repayment schedule of some sort. If they sent bailiffs in there’s nothing to repossess, they have an old car and aren’t homeowners.

Weddings are meant to be fun and happy, why do people turn their weddings into a stress-fest?!

OP posts:
SavingSpaces2019 · 21/07/2019 12:07

don't hand over your cataract op money!
Your eyesight is a darn lot more important than the frilly bits on DSD's wedding!!!
She knew how much things were costing when she booked them - i bet she planned on pulling a sly stunt like this the whole time.
You won't see that money back, even at a couple of quid per week - they can't even be arsed getting a full time job to pay for their own wedding!

Foslady · 21/07/2019 12:18

I’m even more of a cynic - if she posted it was all paid for, is this going to be the honeymoon under the guise of the reception not being paid......and the reason why her partner mustn’t be told as he forked out to cover the venue........

Purpletigers · 21/07/2019 12:51

I feel sorry for her . She’s trying to live her life through Facebook/SM . She’s got a three year old at 22 to a hopeless prick. She works pt and he doesn’t work at all ? Now we know why stereotypes exist .
Please do not hand over one penny of your money and speak to your husband about adopting the same stance . Their situation will not improve unless they want it to .
Book yourself in for your op asap. My brother recently had to pay privately to have his done ( he’s only 42) and it was worth every penny .

Original poster
4dogs · 21/07/2019 12:52

@Foslady that’s an interesting point. The invites have a crap poem asking for money for honeymoon as wedding presents, I think they’d be lucky to get enough for a night at a campsite in a tent from the groom’s family. DH had already said no present from us cos gave them £1k, I would have been ok to put £50 in the card but nothing major. Her mum doesn’t have any money and it’s her live in bf who doesn’t know about the financial crisis and would allegedly be cross, I suspect the £1k they have donated came from him not mum.
The whole thing is a disaster!

OP posts:
Patchworksack · 21/07/2019 13:09

I couldn't get past the fact they are still spending on frivolous things like hiring a hot tub and boasting about it on SM when they are £3k short for their wedding. If they can't prioritise saving for it then why should you?

Guiltypleasures001 · 21/07/2019 13:15

If the dsd doesn't know mums been on the phone for money, is there a chance the mum is keeping it for herself ?

maddy68 · 21/07/2019 13:22

Why are you paying for your op?

I think they should change the venue to somewhere more affordable unless they stand to lose their deposit. Which probably negates the benefit

I probably would give it to them

Alsohuman · 21/07/2019 13:27

She’s paying for her op because she needs it and could wait a million years to get to the top of the NHS waiting list. Same reason as I paid for the same operation.

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain · 21/07/2019 13:28

I suspect, that if you do it now, this won’t be the last time you give them money...

soccerbabe · 21/07/2019 13:32

He shouldn't give her a further penny towards the wedding without 1)some sort of proof that there is actually money outstanding, and 2)money should be paid directly to the venue/contractors. as either she's lying now or was lying on social media when she said she had paid it all off...

Heratnumber7 · 21/07/2019 13:42

She needs to get a 0% credit card or loan

No she doesn't. Don't ever borrow money if you can't pay it back.

Neither of the couple has even a reasonably paying job. They should rethink their wedding and plan something affordable. Or save and wait.

Original poster
4dogs · 21/07/2019 13:43

@maddy68 I would have to pay to have the cataract removed because although I am blind in one eye I do not meet the criteria to be referred for surgery in the area I live in.

OP posts:
SlowMoFuckingToes · 21/07/2019 14:03

He's not "soft" op - he's a crap parent. Being a parent involves more than just providing financially. Kids need to be taught about fiscal responsibility. This is some next level Disney dad, enabling behaviour on his part. And it sets you up to owe the others the same. How will your DSs feel if they find out?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/07/2019 15:18

The invites have a crap poem asking for money for honeymoon as wedding presents

You don't say ... Hmm

Kisskiss · 21/07/2019 16:44

Please don’t give her any more money!! Use it for your op!!!
There are many ways out of this - downgrade the food and entertainment package, disinvite some guests.

The truth is neither you nor your dh could actually help, without either impacting your health ir your fledgling business and both of those are more important than having a wedding she can’t afford.

Oh yeah she could just do what someone else on mumsnet posted : charge her guests for their meals ( but dont tell them till they’re there 🤣🤔🙄)

greenwaterbottle · 21/07/2019 16:55

Yep just point out how much money they've spent "since the wedding was paid off" way back when.
All frivolous stuff, how many weeks have been spent working.
And say actually if you've £x spare I'd like to replace my rings.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 21/07/2019 17:15

I'm another one saying not to give her the money. I really think you should get your operation. It's terrible that you have to pay for it, but with something as essential as sight I don't think I'd want to wait and fight for the NHS if I had the money available. Much more important to fix this for yourself than to bail out this silly girl.

I also agree that if you do this,bit will be the first in a series of lifelong requests from her every time she over spends - all she will learn is that you can do as you please and some sucker will bail you out!

It's also incredibly unfair on your other children, particularly your son, who has had to manage without an extra 3k coming his way. I'd not give her money for that reason alone, even without the need for your operation. When it comes to big things like weddings and student support and house deposits, I think it's very important for parents to treat their children equally if at all possible.

sunshine11 · 21/07/2019 17:39

Placemarking

Densol999 · 21/07/2019 17:41

She will be going to the loan shark to borrow for her honeymoon when she doesnt get enough in presents I bet ! So your DH worries will just be transferred to another unaffordable want. You just cant help some people

jillybeanclevertips · 21/07/2019 17:43

Good grief, is this for real ? No. No. No. do not give them yoru operation money for a wedding they can't afford. They should budget according to their means. This type of behaviour will only continue, if you support it now., what next- money for a child they're having but can't afford ?Maybe you should pay for them to have a holiday. Don't bail them out, the need a lesson in reality.