AIBU to think we shouldn’t bail out DSD re wedding?

[4dogs]

DSD is getting married in about a month. She has booked a quite fancy hotel, I think it’s £60 per person, not sure how many she’s invited but quite a lot I think. I had wondered how she could afford it, she has a ds (3), works pt as a cleaner and her bf worked pt as a window cleaner but recently lost his job due to not bothering to turn up. Earlier this year we gave DSD £1k towards wedding and I believe her mother gave the same.

Last night DH’s ex called very upset to say DSD is very stressed, hasn’t the money to pay for it all, needs about £3k and had asked her mum to guarantee a loan, mum said no as wouldn’t be able to pay if DD defaulted. Ex is begging DH to come up with £3k, says it’s their responsibility and she will pay him back half at a few £ a week. DH is worried if she can’t get the money through a mainstream route DSD will end up borrowing from dangerous loan shark types and it will all end in violence.

We probably could scrape the £ together. I have £2.5k which I was maybe going to use for a cataract operation I need. However I feel if we do this then we will need to come up with the same amount of money for each of his other 2 dd’s should they get married and we wouldn’t be able to guarantee we’d be able to get hold of that amount of money again.

AIBU to think DSD should postpone wedding and have a ceremony that she can afford? DH and I got married 4 years’ ago, very low key and didn’t spend a lot, my DS got married last month, again had low key wedding in line with what he could afford.

DH and I are not well off. He started a business earlier this year which is going well but every penny earned is reinvested into equipment for business at the moment. He draws a very small wage and we live off that and my P/T earnings. I have a DD who starts secondary school in September so that’s a big expense looming plus I am
blind in one eye due to cataract and have been wanting to get it fixed but also reluctant to spend £2.5k on myself in case I need it for an emergency.

Should I help DH financially with this or should DSD make more realistic and affordable plans?

Your DH needs to talk directly to his DD. And go from there.
He needs to be able to tell her to her face, in no uncertain terms, that he loves and supports her but that he doesn't have money to give her. And then he needs to offer ways he can help with the mess - economising on the wedding etc - in order to assist her practically.

But do not give your savings you need to sort your health out to someone to spend on a wedding day you don't approve of to a marriage you don't think will last.

I would be furious if my partner bailed his DD out like that and it impacted our life.

Absolutely not, if she throws the waste of space she plans to marry out then you may need to help. Do not throw good money after bad. Her Dad should be saying no if he loves his daughter.

I didn’t even spend £3k total on my wedding. I’m not a Puritan by any measure and like spending money where I have it and on things you get a better return on but weddings never strike me as being great value for money. She needs to scale down her plans, it’s just one day and not worth getting into debt for.

Ask dh why you had a registry wedding and a garden party, presumably because that fitted the budget. Ask him why he didn't go around borrowing to make it a bigger affair?

I'd also keep your savings because it's doubtful he'd help you build that money back up again.

Will he be happy to give your ds another £1500 to be fair?

She has options which don;t involve her sponiging money of other people.
She's old enough to get married and have a child, then she's old enough to understand that if you can't afford something, you can't have it.

if she wants the wedding of her dreams, then she will have to ppostpone until she has saved enough for it.

If she wants to get married come what may then she can swap her big do for a register office wedding with two witnesses and lunch with family afterwards. With this option she could save towards having a big party at alter date when she has the funds.

None of her options as a grown adult should involve demanding money from others - why should you get trapped into a money pit and throwing good money after bad because she can;t organise herself or has set her wnats above her means.
Don't use your savings, have your eye operation - that is what you saved for like the adult you are, just as she will have to save like an adut if she wants something.

@romeoonthebalcony the irony is I am a Freedom Programme facilitator! As someone else said I strongly suspect she is pinning her hopes on having a dream wedding day which will automatically produce a dream marriage.

Apparently the hotel is an all inclusive deal so flowers, photographer etc all included, no car needed as they are staying there the night before so I don’t think savings can be made. As several have suggested it may be possible to delay the wedding and not lose the deposit or whatever she has paid so far.

I have suggested to DH that if she really wants to get married we will pay the registry office fee, a bit flippant maybe lol. I think she wants a special day/flash party and the actual marriage is secondary but I could be wrong.

I’d forgotten the brilliant MN term cocklodger, that’s exactly what he is!

I guess I’ll have to wait for DH to talk to her to find out more details of what is going on, can they postpone, why isn’t cocklodger paying for it etc?

DH says he isn’t inclined to pay for it but I’m not convinced he’s made a firm decision and suspect he is going to really struggle with this.

All the suggestions and comments on here have been really helpful for me to think clearly and reassure myself I’m not being the evil stepmother by thinking this is not acceptable.

Cut your coat to fit your cloth, as the saying goes. She cannot afford a fancy wedding right now, therefore she should either wait until she has saved the funds to finance it or scale it back.

It is utter madness that you are walking around, blind in one eye, considering using the money you've put aside for your op to indulge her.

If she wants to get married, she can do that by having a no frills civil ceremony. If she wants 'the perfect wedding', she can save for it.

Absolutely don't bail them out! They need to grow up, accept responsibility & plan a wedding they CAN afford. Spend your money on your eyesight guilt-free!!

We said no to funding our DSs lavish weddings, the brides parents said yes. 20k plus later they were married. We chose to give them the deposit on a home.

We had a small wedding parents paid for and were aware of their savings. Is it about bragging rights these days?

I don't think anyone should be doing anything to help her marry this awful sounding bloke!

Sadly she's got a kid with him so is stuck with him in that respect, but no need to get more enmeshed than necessary!

DH adores his DDs and would do anything for them, they don’t have a lot to do with him unless they want something

Somehow I thought you'd say that - but why is DH going on and on about the risk of her approaching a loan shark, when the real alternative is for DSD to just have a simpler wedding?

I'm sorry, but it honestly doesn't seem that he's helping. Clearly they're a dysfunctional mess, and while bailing them out might calm the current crisis, all it will really do is encourage yet more demands

Unless you're prepared to bankrupt yourselves for them you'll have to say no sooner or later - so why not now, when it's over something non-essential?

Another idea might be go to with DSD to talk to the events coordinator about options. This won’t be the first time someone has struggled to pay and they may accommodate postponing.

If DSD is reluctant for you/DH to come with her that would make me suspect the money you’ve already given has disappeared elsewhere or she’s not telling the whole truth.

Please keep us updated OP - hope the outcome is positive whatever.

DH is going to see her on Monday, she was working today, he is working long hours tomorrow. Will keep everyone updated and thanks again for thoughts, ideas and comments.

You need an operation. That obviously takes priority.

When it comes to weddings, I believe parents should make a contribution that they can afford and leave the couple to the planning within their actual budget. You already made your contribution. It isn’t your responsibility to give her a fantasy wedding. If her father thinks she will go to nefarious sources to get money, then she clearly isn’t responsible enough to be married. He should instead be suggesting she call of the wedding, possibly even move back home, and get her life in order.

£60 a head sounds expensive and out of budget for the type of work they do.

I wouldn't use money I needed for my healthcare for the wedding.

If she borrows from loan sharks, then she isn't mature enough for marriage.

Do not give her your surgery money! I actually would invite her dm and dsf over, for a "visit", and let the wedding topic come up, and expose the sd and her dm's over spending, and asking for 3 more, while making it clear there is no more money coming from you, you do have other children who deserve to recieve the same as dsd, and what your can afford has been given.

I suggest you go get your eye (s) (usually do one at a time) done so that money is gone.

Sounds like sd has no sense at all, and gets it from her mother. You and her dad have to set an example of what grown ups do.

She is engaged to someone who seems to have money but told DH she can’t tell him about this because he will be cross and doesn’t like the groom to be.

Tell her you don't like him either, and now you are both cross!

If your dh decides to get a loan, make sure he immediately opens wedding saving accounts for your other children, and when they get married, be sure to let them know that is all there is. Hopefully they will be raised to be more financial savy.

This reminded me of two cousins, who also had big weddings and both asked, (not demanded, just asked) if it could be a family potluck style in a rented hall, and spent money (their own money, not money from parents, who had none to spare) on their dresses, wedding party flowers, and the hall fee, liquor ect. and cake. The family decorated the hall amd supplied the food. Can the step daughters wedding venue be cancelled, and you all help her to do something like that?

She’s 22 and wants a fairy tale wedding that they can not clearly afford!
We al would like things we can afford, but then we have a reality check! And come down to earth.

You should have a chat with husband and tell him, she is being in unrealistic with her plans. Should not be asking others to come up with the money for it!
She’s playing everyone for a fool, hoping they will come up with something for her wedding.

It’s a big fat NO No, she needs to come down to earth.
Lower her intention, and have something THEY can afford, or cancel till they CAN afford what they want.

If you give them the money, it will open a can of worms. They will all be coming to daddy for a hand out. You have given them 1k more than enough.

No way would I give me hard earned saving to an event that would be over in a few hours!! and you would benefit to have that life time fog lifted from your eyesight for years to come

And the next thing will be when she gets pregnant and needs everything for the baby........and then when she needs to leave him and has nothing when he realises that you no longer will fund their life choices......

I know this isn’t the point of the thread, but I’m horrified that the threshold for your operation is set so high where you live. I’m so sorry.

She’s been given £2k which is more than enough for a registry office then a nice party in a village hall or similar. I am definitely set against giving or lending her more money for this wedding. If her fiance can’t be arsed to work to pay for his wedding why should anyone else? I only have savings because I have bought no new clothes or make up or treats for over 2 years and dramatically cut down on my personal spending, DH only has a small profit in new business because he works 12-16 hours a day every single day. I was looking on DSD FB page earlier, couple of weeks ago they hired a hot tub for the weekend! Lots of pictures of fiancee fishing mid week with lots of fishing equipment. Taking the piss big time! They have a 3 yr old and to be fair have never asked for stuff for child. We bought them the buggy of their choice before child was born. 9 months later they bought another one cos first had broken - it was under warranty but they didn’t bother taking it back!
Afaic they either need to find the money themselves or cancel and rearrange.
I just hope DH stays strong when DD cries and his ex tries to guilt trip him!

Rainatnight, it is disgusting, what annoys me even more is that my cataract was probably caused by medication given to me by NHS! My vision started blurring in one eye shortly after taking certain meds, cataract was diagnosed. I told consultant who’d prescribed meds, she shrugged and said it’s very rare but does happen! I have always been short sighted so have had regular eye tests and opticians previously had commented on how healthy my eyes were!

I was looking on DSD FB page earlier, couple of weeks ago they hired a hot tub for the weekend!
Wow!

What does your DH say about that?!

Hot tube hire is £150 for the weekend

She doesn’t deserve a loan