AIBU to think we shouldn’t bail out DSD re wedding?

[4dogs]

DSD is getting married in about a month. She has booked a quite fancy hotel, I think it’s £60 per person, not sure how many she’s invited but quite a lot I think. I had wondered how she could afford it, she has a ds (3), works pt as a cleaner and her bf worked pt as a window cleaner but recently lost his job due to not bothering to turn up. Earlier this year we gave DSD £1k towards wedding and I believe her mother gave the same.

Last night DH’s ex called very upset to say DSD is very stressed, hasn’t the money to pay for it all, needs about £3k and had asked her mum to guarantee a loan, mum said no as wouldn’t be able to pay if DD defaulted. Ex is begging DH to come up with £3k, says it’s their responsibility and she will pay him back half at a few £ a week. DH is worried if she can’t get the money through a mainstream route DSD will end up borrowing from dangerous loan shark types and it will all end in violence.

We probably could scrape the £ together. I have £2.5k which I was maybe going to use for a cataract operation I need. However I feel if we do this then we will need to come up with the same amount of money for each of his other 2 dd’s should they get married and we wouldn’t be able to guarantee we’d be able to get hold of that amount of money again.

AIBU to think DSD should postpone wedding and have a ceremony that she can afford? DH and I got married 4 years’ ago, very low key and didn’t spend a lot, my DS got married last month, again had low key wedding in line with what he could afford.

DH and I are not well off. He started a business earlier this year which is going well but every penny earned is reinvested into equipment for business at the moment. He draws a very small wage and we live off that and my P/T earnings. I have a DD who starts secondary school in September so that’s a big expense looming plus I am
blind in one eye due to cataract and have been wanting to get it fixed but also reluctant to spend £2.5k on myself in case I need it for an emergency.

Should I help DH financially with this or should DSD make more realistic and affordable plans?

ithink it would be different if you were well off.but the money you would be spending isnt just pocket change to you.its causing possible future hardship for you too.and also yes there is the other part to needing to give the sameto all siblings.
i worry if she does borrow then will she come to you with an inflation begging of money!so if you say no that needs to be discussed with her and that maybe instead she needs to work with the noey she has for the appropriate wedding.
i dont get how you can create a wdding when you dont have the money.you have to worj with what youve got surely.
i feel for you both.becasue the instinct is of course to help your children out in whatever they need.
it needs more discussion for sure.between you all togehter giving and listening to both sides.

My friend married a man who was similar and they are still married 26 years later. Even if the groom sounds a complete waste of space, it doesn't mean that his wife will ever choose to see it or do anything about it.

I wouldn't give them the money for the wedding. They would have known a long time before now that they had no chance of affording it. I would offer however, to help negotiate with the suppliers and see what can be cut down or out. Less photographer time, 2 courses instead of 3, smaller cake (or cancel and buy off the shelf) etc etc.

If the fiancé chooses not to work it’s a no from me.

Your dh loves his daughter and wants to help. I get it.

But he is doing her NO favours by enabling this madness.

If I was in your position, I would book my surgery! Book it Monday. Then the money is gone and that’s it.

I would also be honest with your dh about how you feel about him using the business to fund sd’s ridiculous party.

It will affect your life, too.

No, I would not give them any extra money. She needs to learn to live within her means. She has already had £2k - what has she spent this on? Someone needs to sit down with her and offer to help her look st some less speedy options for the wedding. Or she needs to postpone and save.

also it can be a dream wedding at any cost.it really can.

Your DSD is a fool but there's no need for everyone else to be made one. The many sensible suggestions from pp above that your DH, you, exw, DSD & her "catch" sounds like the way to go. Have your DH go over the finances - and check that the £2k already given by both parents was actually spent on the wedding & not just pissed up the wall.
" We have always agreed it is important to treat dc the same and not favour one above the others." remind DH that this should mean he takes out a £6k loan as your recently married DS who you gave £1k to will also be due another £3k, or where's this equality?

Just one thing about the cataract surgery. They can’t do it until the cataract is completely hard. That does render you practically blind in one eye.
However you would be amazed to know how many people are blind in one eye. It’s a huge number and most people get on fine.

Not to say you shouldn’t pay to have it done but could you hold on?

Oh, and don’t give it to her either.
A big fancy wedding is not important.

I assume that they will lose whatever they have paid out. I still think that’s preferable to adding in another £3k for a farce of a wedding that they can’t afford

It’s the ‘sunk cost fallacy’.

It would actually be selfish of DH to bail her out. He would be doing it to make himself feel better, not to help her situation at all, the dangerous loan shark thing sounds like a story the Ex knew would scare him. What DD needs to know is she is loved and accepted and this does not come from money or being princess for the day. She needs that strength to be able to finish with this disgusting man who abuses her and tells her that she is ugly. She needs kind and wise words to be able to know she is worth something and that her mother, who shares hot tubs with a young man who calls her own daughter ugly and shows no responsibility to earn a living for his own DD is failing her miserably too.

I would offer her money for only one thing - to go to see a counsellor who is trained in DV and the Freedom Programme and chronic low self worth. I would suggest she joins the Stately Homes thread here. Otherwise this will be a lifetime of her feeling like S**t about herself and trying to counter that with wasting her hard earned money as well as yours on what reality TV, insta influencers, etc are saying you must have to be acceptable...and possibly her DD and subsequent DC not being able to break the cycle and falling into it too

Wrong. You can have cataract surgery any time you want it if you choose to pay for it. “Ripe” cataracts are an old wives’ tale.

You say you'd give her money if she wanted to start her own business - please don't even think about that! She sounds just about the last person who should be starting her own business.

Have the operation and let her do what she feels she must.
Last week I took my best friend to have his cataract operation privately. He was lucky, he could afford the £3000 . If he had waited the time was 10 to 12 months on the NHS. One eye was totally blurred and driving was difficult. They live out in the country and his wife doesn’t drive.
Living in the UK doesn’t preclude having to pay if you need a procedure done quickly.

Wrong. You can have cataract surgery any time you want it if you choose to pay for it. “Ripe” cataracts are an old wives’ tale.

It’s what the cataract surgeons told my mum.

It’s not what my cataract surgeon told me when he operated on mine in March, when I still had sight, albeit blurred, in both eyes.

It doesn't matter if you've saved up £2.5k for a boob job. Lets put the operation and your savings away, its irrelevant.

Don't enable this madness; its a shame, but it can't be helped. She's had £2k from parents which is lovely, now she needs to wait. Hugely irresponsible of everyone involved if this goes ahead.

I quite agree. It doesn’t matter what the ops money is going to be used for. It shouldn’t be spent bailing out this wedding.

They could probably negotiate with the hotel to postpone it while they save. They could probably keep their deposit that way

You didn't go into debt for your own wedding so please dont do it for your dsd,if it's about a marriage and not a party they'll find a cheaper option

@cccameron you are right - I used to do event management years ago, I mean 20 years ago but even so, the venue were usually happy to defer an event and hold the deposit. Well worth asking - if this possibility was presented to OP's DSD she wouldn't really be able to insist it had to go ahead (although she might then play sunk costs fallacy as a PP has mentioned)

Firstly, I would book the cataract op in so the money can't be used for anything else.

Secondly, if the DSD has a tendency to be grabby and only contact when she needs money there is absolutely no danger of her stopping contact with the grandchild because she will need money again. Constantly, in fact.

The ex wife needs to speak to her partner for the money if she is that bothered about the reception. Obviously not, then.

No - just no ..

All of you have a sit down and frank discussion and see what can be done to save £’s .. you would be daft to give the money fpr your op for a wedding .. not just DSD but anyone for that matter ..

Your eyesight trumps any event..

She needs her priorities adjusted .. and some facts known.

Thats just my 2p 🤷🏻‍♀️

Your DSD sounds vulnerable and likely to have problems in future if she doesn't already. She has poor financial management skills and is about to marry someone who isn't good for her. She is working FOUR part-time jobs while her fiance isn't willing to get a job at all.

I totally agree with you and everyone else who says that giving her money wouldn't be doing her any favours, even if you had the money, which you don't.

I just wonder if there is anything that your DH can do for her which will show her that he loves her, wants to help her and will always be there for her. I don't have many ideas about that, but perhaps you and he can put your heads together about it. Being a loving supportive dad doesn't always involve handing over money.

Maybe he should ring her up to say he has heard she's in difficulties and just talk to her and be a shoulder to cry on? You've said he only hears from her when she wants something: does he take the initiative to get in contact with her regularly? Can the two of you offer any practical help toward the wedding: do you have a car which could be suitable to use as transport for anyone in the wedding party, for example?

Absolutely no OP

Bloody ridiculous and entitled to think they can have a big fancy wedding on part time wages. Myself and DH got married 2 years ago and originally had wanted the fancy castle wedding etc but then circumstances changed so we cancelled it and when we did get married we went for local church and village hall. Both sets of parents did give us gifts of money but we never expected it.

Their choices are borrow the money from a lender, more fool them or wake up and realise it’s not going to happen

Hate these entitled attitudes

Let’s be brutal ....

FFS you are well on the way to being blind, the less you can see the less capable you will become, the less capable you become the more at risk of serious injury you become.

God forbid you have a bad accident / fall / injury how will you then cope. How will your husband run his fledgling business is he has to care for you or lead you round as you are blind.
It’s not a nice thought & I have not put it in nice terms.

However it needs to be said, also it needs to be recognised that if you do throw yourself on the mercy of the NHS it is very possible whilst you work your way through the queue for treatment the local commissioning group may well change their rules re cataracts and toughen the criteria even more.

I almost feel sorry for DSD but eyesight trumps a wedding any and every day.