DH refusing to consider moving - AIBU?

[JoannaDeeds]

DH and I live in London. He is from here, I am from Wales. We met here. We live in an expensive area where he was brought up in a rented two bedroom fourth floor flat (no lift) with 18 month old twins. As you can imagine it's very difficult.

I am not working and haven't been since DTs were born. He is a building contractor and has been struggling for work. We can't afford to buy here or rent anything larger. I want to move to wales as we could afford a four bedroom house with a garden. Work would be harder for him to find but he isn't working much here anyway and for what we pay in rent it would be less than a mortgage on a nice house.

All of his friends and family are here, the majority of mine are in wales. The schools in our area are poor. Wales are better. We are at an impasse and he won't discuss moving. I don't know whether or not to push it but I feel so trapped in a small flat with young children. AIBU?

This would be a complete deal-breaker for me. I would absolutely take the children and move to Wales. If he decides to tag along, great, if not, his loss-he sounds pretty selfish to me, anyway

That sounds pretty selfish to me!

It is nuts I would be going home to my mum if it was this bad, this might concentrate his mind.

To the OP who thinks living in Wales 3 bed houses are around a million here are some examples in my area which is more expensive than many other areas. I have put a limit of a million on the listings.

www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/find.html?searchType=SALE&locationIdentifier=REGION%5E824&insId=1&radius=3.0&minPrice=&maxPrice=1000000&minBedrooms=3&maxBedrooms=3&displayPropertyType=houses&maxDaysSinceAdded=&_includeSSTC=on&sortByPriceDescending=&primaryDisplayPropertyType=&secondaryDisplayPropertyType=&oldDisplayPropertyType=&oldPrimaryDisplayPropertyType=&newHome=&auction=false

This is the homesickness talking. Very very natural and understandable, but you cannot move somewhere where the work opportunities are less--you must see this!

You need to both sit down and work out where would be the best place to move to, and it needs to be somewhere which has plenty of work, and where you can both tolerate living.

One of the more measured responses on this thread

These are the construction jobs available in N Wales. Lots of the lads also do weekend work to top up their income. Small jobs really.

www.indeed.co.uk/jobs?q=construction&l=North+Wales

The OP needs to produce evidence of cost of housing and jobs available wherever they move to. So OP do some research present your evidence to your partner. It will strengthen your argument.

For twins here nursery is £43 per day per child.

YABVU to expect him to go to Wales. YANBU to want to move.

Your housing situation is untenable. You and he need a discussion of practicalities - income, outgoings, essential amenities, etc - as well as preferences. The “You moved here, we met here, we’re staying here” argument has validity in that he’s shown he is staying in his home and you chose to move from yours. Had you discussed pre-parenthood that you would want to bring any children up in Wales, he wouldn’t have a leg to stand on now. It sounds like you didn’t discuss it, and he’s blindsided by your wish to take the family to a very different environment.
It’s reasonable for him to stay where his family, friends, work contacts and everything are. It’s reasonable for him to only want to live in a city. Some people only thrive in certain environments. (My brother hates cities with a passion and would be bitterly unhappy in one; I can’t stand the isolation of rural life.)
It’s essential for all of you that you live somewhere accessible for twins. There are amazing cultural benefits from being brought up in a world class city that offset the disadvantages, once your housing issue is resolved.
I hope you’re both able to have a productive conversation that helps both of you be happier

You are being very unreasonable trying to force your DH to move just because its what you want.

Just because she'd like to be able to leave her home without assistance from another adult. (And how does she get back up to her flat if the neighbour is not around?)

Just because she'd like her kids to go to a good school instead of a crap one.

Just because she'd like to be near her family and friends, when apparently it's far more important - for some unknown reason - that he be near his.

I understand some people are terrified of change, even hypothetical change, but they don't really have much - if anything - to lose.

This is the homesickness talking. Very very natural and understandable, but you cannot move somewhere where the work opportunities are less--you must see this!

But if they move, both parents will be able to work and the cost of living will be much lower. What happens to them here if his work dries up altogether?

GCSE results are generally worse in Wales than in London.
I wouldn't be happy to move to Wales from London.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.walesonline.co.uk/news/education/teenagers-wales-less-well-school-15698759.amp

I'm with those telling you to move within London first. You must be able to find a ground-floor flat somewhere. It's a big and varied city!

Twins are very hard. I didn't have them, but my brother did, and I watched his wife dealing with 4 kids under 5, the twins being the last set, and I have to remind you that it is not normal life -- but it is also not forever. By the time they are 3 or 4 things will be much, much easier. In fact, in many ways easier than two kids further apart in age. They can be in the same school, the same clothes, keep each other entertained, etc.

Also (and now I speak from experience of my own kids): at the age of 7 or so they will guilt-trip you about not living where there is more empty space and fascinating animals. By the age of 13 they will kill you if you've moved them out of London. A teenager in London can get around freely and has lots of friends to choose from, as well as lots of schools to choose from. A teenager in Wales, let alone two, you will spend your day driving them around. Can you not just visit family in Wales often for now?

Finally, in disaster scenarios like one of them turning out to have special needs (or indeed just a normal medical emergency like a broken arm) and I speak as a mother of a SEN child and a veteran of numerous childhood injuries it's London all the way. In the rest of the country you will find almost no specialist schools, no speech therapists (certainly no choice of therapists), not even an emergency room less than an hour away. I mean we even ran into trouble in Edinburgh.

As the DC are only 18 months you are now in the worst stage. Go find some ground-floor flats to visit (preferably walking distance from a park -- London has lots both big and small) and live there till the kids are 4, then have another discussion with DH if things are still terrible.

And good luck! You deserve some for sure.

The issue here is not London- if you can’t find work in London there’s surely not much hope somewhere more remote.
He sounds lazy OP. He really needs to find steady work and you need to rent further out of London

How an earth do the rest of us outside of London cope.

Definitely speech therapy, sen schools and an a&e all under an hour from me.

It’s not middle of nothing is London there is plenty in between

I would lay out your argument carefully, as It sounds like he is a institutionalized Londoner.

I am with you OP all cities are dirty overcrowded hell holes, I lived in the UK for 30 years and could never come up with a reason to visit London,

I am with you OP all cities are dirty overcrowded hell holes, I lived in the UK for 30 years and could never come up with a reason to visit London

That's just you though. Some of us love opera, museums, historic buildings etc. You can find some of those things elsewhere in the UK but London has it all.

By the time they are 3 or 4 things will be much, much easier. In fact, in many ways easier than two kids further apart in age. They can be in the same school, the same clothes, keep each other entertained, etc.

I’m sorry but you have no idea that’s the case.

My boys are almost 3. In the last 12 months one has been diagnosed with a visual impairment, brain damage, a metabolic disorder, potentially a genetic disorder, and ASD. His twin was then also diagnosed with ASD.

Everyone told me it would get easier too. It hasn’t. They may well not be able to go to the same school, they certainly don’t keep each other entertained, they often won’t eat the same food...

I know lots of twins around the same age as mine. Some are finding things getting easier but others are finding things getting much harder - speech delays, developmental delays, physical health issues etc. There are no guarantees. This situation needs solving now because if this were me I’d have had a complete breakdown.

People are talking about kids being able to climb stairs at this age - not four storeys, and getting up is even less of an issue than getting down!

You need to move, like yesterday. Not necessarily to wales although I too would be pushing to try that if I had family support there given you don’t have it now.

Twins aren’t comparable to one child. My siblings are twins (I’m 15 years older) and holy fucking shit balls it was CHAOS. And I was just the big sister watching, not their mother, although I pitched in where I could because they were cute little fuckers

Having watched DM go in and out of our HOUSE (pram was massive, had to be folded down, taken through the door/alley and put up on the street) I applaud you for going up and down four fucking flights of stairs with them.

YADNBU to want to move.

You might BU to want to move to Wales, but DH is DEFINITELY being U making you stay near his family, in the place he grew up, whilst refusing to even consider living in your home area.

You are currently miserable as fuck. He might be miserable as fuck if you moved.

Honestly... If he won’t even discuss moving to a more suitable property in/around London, I’d go back to Wales because he’s a selfish twat.

What are the positives to living in Wiltshire?

Another zombie thread.

@Romanym
Can you not start a new thread? What has your question got to do with this one?

Sorry- I will!
My first msg 🙁