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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH refusing to consider moving - AIBU?

170 replies

JoannaDeeds · 19/07/2019 19:19

DH and I live in London. He is from here, I am from Wales. We met here. We live in an expensive area where he was brought up in a rented two bedroom fourth floor flat (no lift) with 18 month old twins. As you can imagine it's very difficult.

I am not working and haven't been since DTs were born. He is a building contractor and has been struggling for work. We can't afford to buy here or rent anything larger. I want to move to wales as we could afford a four bedroom house with a garden. Work would be harder for him to find but he isn't working much here anyway and for what we pay in rent it would be less than a mortgage on a nice house.

All of his friends and family are here, the majority of mine are in wales. The schools in our area are poor. Wales are better. We are at an impasse and he won't discuss moving. I don't know whether or not to push it but I feel so trapped in a small flat with young children. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
JoannaDeeds · 19/07/2019 21:34

My job pays less than childcare for twins and we don't have family help here - we would in Wales. It's an admin type role and I'm confident I could get something comparable in wales.

I understand it's hard for him and would be a compromise but really it's about everyone's quality of life, it's so unbelievably hard where we are, trying to get the buggy up and down the stairs with the twins is impossible on my own I rely on help from neighbours if they are in, DH or I can't actually go out. When I do go out we are on a busy main road. It's not very nice at all.

OP posts:
LillithsFamiliar · 19/07/2019 21:37

He's BU. He's putting his needs before the rest of the family. I'm sure he'd rather stay beside his friends and family but where's his consideration for the fact you have spent years living away from your's? When does he start to think about the practicalities of having DTs in a fourth floor flat? He's being incredibly selfish.
What if you moved back to Wales with the DTs and he commuted to see you at the weekends? It's not ideal but I think you need to show him that the current status quo isn't an option for you.
Fwiw I don't know anyone who stayed in London after they had small DCs so his argument that you met there seems redundant to me.

SinkGirl · 19/07/2019 21:41

I’m not sure some people really grasp what it would be like, you literally can’t go out without help. I’m amazed you’ve survived that long.

You have to move - is he ever stuck indoors with twin toddlers all day alone? Does he know how hard that is?

Original poster
JoannaDeeds · 19/07/2019 21:42

@LillithsFamiliar I have actually suggested the commuting option but we couldn't afford to run two homes so it's not possible and he said he couldn't be away from us anyway. He's intent on all of us staying where we are now. I don't actually know what to do feel like I'm being held hostage as he knows I won't leave.

OP posts:
Jellybeansincognito · 19/07/2019 21:44

Oh ok @DaphneFanshaw I’m equally just as tired and clueless 🤦🏼‍♀️

coffeeagogo · 19/07/2019 21:47

If I were your DH there isn’t anyway I would move - sorry that’s probably not what you want to hear but I couldn’t imagine a move like that. I am with the poster that says there must be a middle ground. Where abouts in Wales are you from? If it’s a city I can see your point a bit more but if it is a small town then I think you are being unfair.

user1471449295 · 19/07/2019 21:49

It’s all very well that mortgage repayments in Wales will be half what you are paying in rent in London, but you need to a good regular income coming in to even be offered a mortgage. You say you aren’t working and he isn’t working much. You also need a good deposit. With the sole earner ‘not working much’ it’s unlikely the bank will lend you the money.
Even if they did, it he can’t find much work in London, I doubt he’s going to fair well in Wales. What will you do when there’s not work in order to pay your mortgage?

Malyshek · 19/07/2019 21:52

I don't really get the whole "can't move away from family and friends" thing. I'm probably biased as I'm used to moving a lot for work (not cities, countries), but I'm just a bit baffled. People grow up. They don't actually need to stay forever in the same place. Especially if they have sound financial reason to go.

Also some people said that you met and married in London, but I fail to see why that means you have to stay there forever.

That said, if your dh will not even discuss it, that leaves only two options... Either stay or go. And find out whether he'd follow you. If he "can't be away from you" then theoretically he should follow... I didn't like that line because it sounded manipulative as shit.

MargotPolo · 19/07/2019 21:55

Yeah that sounds like a nightmare situation but I understand both POV. Maybe a move to wales would be extreme but I would press for a move to a suburb just to improve living conditions. Although you have a roof over your head, those living conditions don't sound ideal and that could be the root of any resentment simmering away...he needs to be willing to at least compromise 🤷🏻‍♀️

averythinline · 19/07/2019 22:04

what is he doing about work? that seems as a family the biggest issue unless you find a way of earning more - as a family you are stuck in that flat..can you not get a job when he's home ?
admin jobs in wales will pay a less......if he isnt earning in london why woudl he be earning in wales...
I know you are from wales but you are not considering moving anywhere else either.... I like wales to visit but wouldnt want to live anywhere without work sorted...

PaintingOwls · 19/07/2019 22:14

I am amazed that this didn't come up before you got married and had children. How do you reach these huge life milestones without the subject coming up?!

I am from London and DP is from the arse end of rural nowhere. We actually met in a medium-sized city and I was always clear that I wanted to live in London for work, opportunities and not feeling like the village and his aunt were in my business all of the time. I would be supremely unimpressed if he started pushing me to move to the middle of nowhere.

I would insist on moving to a better flat though, your current situation sounds hellish.

I am joining the PPs who are surprised that he can't find work - is he not very good? Is he just not trying, and expecting work to fall into his lap?

Do you have a deposit saved up? Because if not then moving to Wales will not get you any closer to that dream house.

Bringonspring · 19/07/2019 22:14

Scoops in London are some of the highest performing in the country. I think wales and Cornwall are currently the lowest

Bringonspring · 19/07/2019 22:14

Schools that should say!!!

OneHanded · 19/07/2019 22:15

Could you compromise with Bristol or bath?

Mabanto1 · 19/07/2019 22:16

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verystressedmum · 19/07/2019 22:17

If he is struggling to find work in london, he will be fucked in wales.

Yep this.
Do you even have a deposit for a house in Wales? He would need a regular income, and quite a good income as he's the sole earner, to be offered a mortgage.

Also you say he's not working/earning much in London but you find the money for the rent where do you find this from and would you be able to find it the same in Wales if he doesn't have work to pay the mortgage?

suzy2b · 19/07/2019 22:19

My son did this moved away to where is wife is from for work took a while to find work , they come back for holidays and he meets up with old friends , he also has made friends where he is now ,never thought he would move.

justasking111 · 19/07/2019 22:23

Well I can tell you we are crying out for building contractors in North Wales, my DS is an architect and the rates they are charging now are eye watering, they are as rare as hens teeth so you are glad to get one. I do not think you should think of Wales in its entirety, it varies from area to area. North Wales along the A55 corridor has plenty of work in the construction industry.

AnnabelleBronstein · 19/07/2019 22:34

Sorry, I wouldn’t leave London for wales either.

glitterfarts · 19/07/2019 22:38

he said he couldn't be away from us anyway. He's intent on all of us staying where we are now. I don't actually know what to do feel like I'm being held hostage as he knows I won't leave.

Shock I think you need to have a conversation where you state, I am unhappy, I am NOT staying in this apartment. We need to talk about where we or I alone move to. I am not staying HERE.

He can't just refuse to move out ever. What if your landlord sells, puts up the rent, gives you notice.

It makes no sense to be in an inner-city apartment with 2 toddlers. You need a garden and nice schools nearby.

lifebegins50 · 19/07/2019 22:40

There is still work in London so if he struggles here then Wales will be more challenging.

Is there not a compromise? A better flat? Start looking for places as you have to take your life in your own hands

MitziK · 19/07/2019 22:43

I had a job offer in Wales. Upon going in to the various Estate Agents, they were delighted to tell me that the house prices for anywhere that had transport links to any place with jobs was 'almost identical to London prices'.

House prices almost the same and even less work, even if he had a long history of continual employment (and how has somebody in London failed to keep earning - there are jobs all over the place, not just in trades, but anything)? It's not going to happen, is it?

SimonArch1983 · 19/07/2019 22:47

Move to Birmingham, you can get 3 bed house here for 130/140k, you are dead close to the country here too! You get the best of city life and you are close to the country. Fair bit of building work going on here, HS2 etc!

ltk · 19/07/2019 22:51

London is a big place, with lots of different types of flats for rent, many near parks and good schools (London primaries generally outperform rural primaries). Is there anywhere else in the city that appeals?

Or do you want to move back to Wales and your family? That's fine, of course, just wondering if all of London is off the cards for you.

vinoblanco1 · 19/07/2019 22:51

What Lizzie said 👍

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