DH refusing to consider moving - AIBU?

[JoannaDeeds]

DH and I live in London. He is from here, I am from Wales. We met here. We live in an expensive area where he was brought up in a rented two bedroom fourth floor flat (no lift) with 18 month old twins. As you can imagine it's very difficult.

I am not working and haven't been since DTs were born. He is a building contractor and has been struggling for work. We can't afford to buy here or rent anything larger. I want to move to wales as we could afford a four bedroom house with a garden. Work would be harder for him to find but he isn't working much here anyway and for what we pay in rent it would be less than a mortgage on a nice house.

All of his friends and family are here, the majority of mine are in wales. The schools in our area are poor. Wales are better. We are at an impasse and he won't discuss moving. I don't know whether or not to push it but I feel so trapped in a small flat with young children. AIBU?

You need to move.

I have twins as well and people who have twins will understand. It is basically survival mode and I'm surprised you have done it this long alone as well as up four flights of stairs. I'm hoping for the best for you but if by chance one or both of your twins have an issue ( a high % of twin boys are speech delayed) you are going to need the support. It doesn't matter where you met, it's about giving your children the best chance. Where we lived near London, we were ignored by health visitors and help we needed because of a lack of resource, but when we moved, we got so much help (portage and speech therapy). He needs to understand that you both need to sacrifice for your children.

This is the homesickness talking. Very very natural and understandable, but you cannot move somewhere where the work opportunities are less--you must see this!

You need to both sit down and work out where would be the best place to move to, and it needs to be somewhere which has plenty of work, and where you can both tolerate living.

Following intently as I'm in a somewhat similar situation and have been very tempted to post on here to see if I ABU. But as I've been too scared of the answers I'll live vicariously through you instead OP!

He sounds sensible. There will be less work in Wales, you’ll be putting the burden of childcare on others and he won’t be happy there not to mention he will have to finance it.

You chose to have children where you are now so knew what you were getting into and went ahead anyway,

How about if you compromise by applying for jobs first then moving when you get one? (At least you can just suggest applying for jobs for the next month in various places to see what happens)

No way would I move to Wales from London, and I have lived there.

You are being very unreasonable trying to force your DH to move just because its what you want. He is having issues getting work now and you say it will be worse in Wales. A move makes no sense. Sounds like you started family before you were financially ready but that is no reason to make a huge move to Wales where you will be no better off but a tad more space.

This would be a complete deal-breaker for me. I would absolutely take the children and move to Wales. If he decides to tag along, great, if not, his loss-he sounds pretty selfish to me, anyway.

He has to understand that things change and that London is bloody horrible . I could not raise my kids in the conditions you describe, even jus tbecause of the pollution in the city. Depending whereabouts in Wales you are talking about, it really isn't that far to travel by train or car to visit friends/family. Why do his friends and family take priority over yours? Did it never occur to him that you might want to return to your (beautiful wonderful) homeland?

I hear you op. We left london. Same reasons you have outlined. We were broke in London and everything was a struggle. We moved to Bristol (loved) then Cardiff (did not love and left after 5 years). Compromise is the word here. You both might need to compromise. Wales feels very different to London, if its not his neck of the woods he might feel very homesick and miserable. Could you get the map out and just start exploring other places? Maybe somwhere inbetwen? The only way you can resolve this is to both lay your cards on the table and get a plan together.

Yanbu, your present flat sounds a nightmare with two toddlers.

You should both consider that the years when your children are in primary school are generally golden years for making new friends. It makes sense therefore at this stage to start planning to move somewhere you will both be happy long term.

Your husband’s present tactic of sticking his fingers in his ears and going “La la la, I’m not listening” must not be allowed to work.

I’m also a bit concerned he’s a) struggling to find work, and b) still disinclined to consider other options (not necessarily Wales) even though he’s struggling.

The flat situation can’t continue. Surely he must see that. I can understand his reluctance to move to Wales as it would be a major change but why would moving slightly out be such an issue? He sounds incredibly selfish. My two boys are a year apart in age and I can’t imagine when they were small having to do four flights of stairs. It would’ve been a nightmare.

You need to move. But you shouldn’t be insisting on Wales.

My DH and I met in London (and still live here with children). Neither of us are from London originally. I can’t imagine either of us being prepared to go back to where the other one came from to settle however there are other parts of the UK that we both like and have agreed we would/ could move to if the time ever came to leave London.

He needs to accept that you need to move and then he can help decide where.

I’m with gingerbread - both of my boys have ASD and one has other disabilities too. I struggle to take them out alone as it is. It would be physically impossible to get them down four floors without two adults. I’m not sure if people understand this. I had to take them up and down our house stairs one at a time until very recently. I would have been a prisoner.

I had two little boys in a top floor flat and we coped OK- not twins though so that maybe helped. We had kind neighbours who let us keep the buggy in the hall cupboard and are in the city centre which really helped. But I guess my eldest could walk so just had to deal with one baby at a time. Have you a lift? We do have parks also close by and a shared garden, and shops very close by which was very helpful. We are still here years later and now, it is great, but not so easy when small.

If he is very reluctant to leave his family and London (mine would be the same and I am from Scotland) then could you possibly look at a lower or ground floor flat / house nearby, maybe you could qualify for council housing if you are overcrowded, with the twins?

not twins though so that maybe helped

Of course it helped. If you have a baby you can carry and a toddler who can walk, then it’s not such an issue. When you have two toddlers who can’t safely use stairs and who you can’t carry at the same time, it’s a completely different story. I’m not sure why this is hard to understand.

There could be a lift?

She said in the first post there’s no lift

Sorry no lift...it does sound very hard. I can only think that at 18 months it may get a bit easier when they can both walk so that is something I suppose. Mine soon learnt to crawl up the stairs.

Online shopping also helped me a lot

You wouldn't need childcare though if he stayed at home. Ask him why he wouldn't want to do that.

I think you need to compromise. Both of you.

Clearly your current situation is no sustainable or suitable, but moving to wales must feel extreme to him.

You need to start working together to find a solution in the middle.

I think when you marry someone not from your city you run the risk they will want to go home where their family support is after having children. There is plenty of building work in certain areas and with the added childcare help op may well be able to work again. Currently she’s stuck in a flat with no help with twins and a husband who even refuses to move property at all.

Go take an extended holiday to your parents op. Clear your head. You don’t work so no reason why not to visit for a couple of weeks.

How often does he spend all day in the flat alone with the twins and have to do the stairs with them? With the shopping? Or whatever? Because I suggest that this is actually the problem. He doesn't understand what it's truly like.

Because it's not just one day is it? It's every bloody day. And if he's got you there to help he will never get it, will he?

What does he imagine the next few years will be like?

She says in the very first post that there is no lift.

Sounds awful! So he is being insistent on staying near his friends and family but none will help with childcare which would enable you to work a few hours?
I'd be pushing to move and for him to get a better more stable job so the kids can have a few childcare days while you work.

Otherwise I'd consider leaving. You'll have support at home, you can find yourself a similar job to the one you've had to leave and you can have a nicer space for your kids.

There must be more going on here. How can he watch his wife being miserable, struggling to get up and down 4 flights of stairs with little twins, no outside space for their happiness and wellbeing, relying on neighbours to help get in and out of the flat, and not realise that this situation needs to change? And not want to change it as soon as possible? I mean maybe moving to Wales is a bit extreme but if he isn’t willing to even discuss a compromise then something isn’t working here at quite a fundamental level.