DH refusing to consider moving - AIBU?

[JoannaDeeds]

DH and I live in London. He is from here, I am from Wales. We met here. We live in an expensive area where he was brought up in a rented two bedroom fourth floor flat (no lift) with 18 month old twins. As you can imagine it's very difficult.

I am not working and haven't been since DTs were born. He is a building contractor and has been struggling for work. We can't afford to buy here or rent anything larger. I want to move to wales as we could afford a four bedroom house with a garden. Work would be harder for him to find but he isn't working much here anyway and for what we pay in rent it would be less than a mortgage on a nice house.

All of his friends and family are here, the majority of mine are in wales. The schools in our area are poor. Wales are better. We are at an impasse and he won't discuss moving. I don't know whether or not to push it but I feel so trapped in a small flat with young children. AIBU?

You don’t always have to stay as you were. People are allowed to change, grow together. Especially when you have children. The focus should be on where would they have the best quality of life. Also what’s to say dh can’t make new friends? He’s being a bit stubborn and mean spirited, narrow minded not to contemplate a move especially when you live in a 4th floor flat with twins!

If he is struggling to find work in london, he will be fucked in wales.

Why not move somewhere else? We are in south York's, dh is a tradesman and business is bonkers. Leeds ans Sheffield both mega busy and you will get a decent property, either rented or bought, for what you are paying in rent in london.

Brand new start for you both.

There’s a big difference from moving out of your current area to moving to Wales. I’ve lived in a number of cities in the country and have been in and around London for 20 years. I know I could live somewhere else and be happy but it would need to be the right sort of somewhere. I know I could move back to my home town for example and buy a big house mortgage free but I wouldn’t actually want to live there. Although I have family there ( free babysitters yay) there’s really nowhere I would want to go out to - I enjoy going out in London and visiting all the galleries, theatres etc and do this often. Presumably you have friends in both London and Wales ? I think you’re asking a lot if you want him to leave his friends and family AND his work contacts and then set up a business elsewhere. Are people in Wales actually going to help out a London building contractor ? What part of Wales do you want to move to? City or a rural area ? I think I’m your case you need to consider an intermediary move further out where it’s a bit greener with better schools but where he can still commute to the work where necessary.

Move but not to Wales? Find somewhere along the m4 corridor that you can get to both sets of parents from.

I can imagine why he doesn't want to move to Wales, given the distance and the fact he has no friends/family there, but surely moving to the suburbs where you can afford somewhere that doesn't necessitate negotiating 4 flights of stairs with two toddlers every day wouldn't be too difficult.

Where in Wales can you buy a 4 bed house with no money coming in?! Because I'm here and it's not nearly as rosey as you seem to think.

I doubt you would qualify for a mortgage. Can you go back to work if you move?

I dont think either of you are being unreasonable. I wouldnt want to move from the area I was born & raised in.. ....esp if all my family were here. As pp have said, you moved to London & met him there. He's unlikely to want to move to Wales.

However, it would make sense to move to a cheaper area & a better property. But Wakes isn't the answer.

Reading through all the comments I think there are 2 compromises you could put to your DH.

1. You move to somewhere brand new to all of you. Somewhere where he is more likely to get work.
2. You go to Wales and rent for a year then reassess.

Realistically staying in London isn’t working and I think he’s going to have to come to terms with that. My ex is in construction and he’s gone to Manchester from London because he just wasn’t making money here.

If he isn't already I would tell him to look after the twins for a few weeks and get them up and down the stairs.

But also I wouldn't be up for moving to Wales.

If you really wanted to move out of London, I would be looking at somewhere like Surrey, Berkshire or Herts, maybe Hampshire, that way you are still close to London but also closer to Wales.

So he isn't working much at the moment? I'd use every opportunity you can to leave him with the twins so he sees what it is really like.

I’d push it. At the end of the day if you split up over such a decision you’ll be moving anyway because you won’t be able to live alone in London. 🤷‍♀️

Doesn’t really sound like he has much choice does it?
It’s Wales, not Australia. If he would rather live in a small flat that doesn’t have enough space for his growing family and if seeing family every 2 minutes is more important than his children’s upbringing/ security he’s not really putting his priorities right is he?

I suppose I worry if I push it he will be miserable but I genuinely believe this is best for our children

But are you miserable now? And if so, can you live the rest of your, and your children’s lives this way? Or would you rather go home to family who can support you and give your children a better education/life? It isn’t a crime to want to go back to Wales. It sounds like you need to sit down and have a serious talk and lay your cards on the table.

Would it be realistic to suggest that he try it for a year or two? Move to Wales with the agreement that if he really hates it you'll move back (or try to find a compromise location)?

My DH worked away from home for 2.5 years because I didn't want to move to where his job was. Finally the situation became untenable so we uprooted the DC and moved with the agreement that if we hated it (kids didn't want to move either) he would find a job near where we were living. In a short time we discovered that we LOVED it here and would never move back to our old town. We put down roots and the area is now more home to us than the old place ever was.

Tell him it's only fair to give it a try. I can't guarantee it'll work out for you, but he owes you that much.

What is your career.
Are there jobs in Wales you can do and earn a reasonable amount to get a mortgage etc.

I’m slightly surprised there isn’t much work in London, a friend who is an architect says finding building contractors these days is hard due perhaps to Brexit and some previous contractors relocating.

I would be pissed off with the lack of compromise, just because you met somewhere doesn’t mean you have to live there forever more.
I am really surprised that he actually thinks that’s a reasonable argument.

We’ve moved a couple of times as a couple, neither of us got “Our own way” we have both had to compromise a little more at some point, it’s never been an entirely equal compromise.
I would find it really hard to be with someone who wouldn’t budge at all.

Wales is...a little drastic. Yes, property is cheaper in some parts, but not in others, a mortgage might be cheaper to pay but you'd have to get one first and, unless you've got savings for a deposit and you have a steady job, you won't get offered one.

I'm with people suggesting other cities where you could live on the periphery with a decent quality of life and he could commute to work, what about the Peak District? You've got a lot of choice from there, whereas Wales is a lot of travelling to get to larger cities. But if he's not got much work in London... maybe he needs to change job?

You need to find a compromise. Asking him to move to Wales is unreasonable and unrealistic. It would be a totally alien lifestyle for him, even if he could find a suitable job. You'd have support in a familiar place, he wouldn't.

Imagine you'd met in Wales. Would you be happy to up sticks and move to London? Think about it.

First of all, I doubt you'd get approved for a mortgage straight away if DH doesn't have a good, regular income

Second of all, I am from one area of a country and DH moved to live here in uni and stayed ever since. He has pushed a few times to move back to his hometown but my argument is he is the one that moved originally, I did not as I didn't want to move out of my home town and therefore I was unwilling to move.

It is unreasonable for me to say that, but just offering point of view from the opposite side. DH moved originally and stayed with me knowing there would be no chance I'd move

Although our situations are slightly different as we live in an affordable, nice country town, not the over-priced, over-polluted capital of the UK when you could move to lovely Wales

He is being unrealistic not to compromise at all. However, I am originally from Wales and now live in London and wouldn’t move back as I would miss London too much (nothing wrong with Wales I just prefer London).
However, I did crowbar DH out of our 2 bed flat near the centre when we had 2 children. It was a slow and painful process and we bought a doer up in a suburb with a garden. DH loves it now and I doubt anyone would believe how much effort it took to get him to move. In his case it was inertia, too much effort to do it so we can stay stuck as that is less mental effort.

!! cannot even imagine how you manage twins without a lift

I can’t believe you’ve actually tried to make being selfish sound reasonable optimistic.
It really isn’t.
My DP can be a right pain in the arse but at least he values my opinions and feelings even if they differ to his own.
It’s threads like this that can be a real eye opener.
Op, yanbu.
I know lots of people who have moved from one part of the country to the other, or to a different country...away from the area they originally met in
To expect to stay in one place to suit one person is really selfish and would probably end up being a deal breaker for me.

The trouble with a trial period in Wales is that if he hates it and you love it, what will you do ? Also it is highly unlikely you will be able to move back, the amount of money needed to move into London would be prohibitive, so you could then be stuck somewhere he hates, with no easy way out.
Would you move to another city, if you did move to Wales, or somewhere rural ? Because for a Londoner, rural Wales can be a huge shock. He would also need to accept Welsh medium education in Primary. I think this would only work if he liked the idea of the change. Pps are right, moving to another city, where he can get work more easily would be a better bet, Manchester maybe ?
Where in Wales are you thinking of ?

no of course yanbu... at the very least you need to move somewhere easier for you to live with your dc.