DH refusing to consider moving - AIBU?

[JoannaDeeds]

DH and I live in London. He is from here, I am from Wales. We met here. We live in an expensive area where he was brought up in a rented two bedroom fourth floor flat (no lift) with 18 month old twins. As you can imagine it's very difficult.

I am not working and haven't been since DTs were born. He is a building contractor and has been struggling for work. We can't afford to buy here or rent anything larger. I want to move to wales as we could afford a four bedroom house with a garden. Work would be harder for him to find but he isn't working much here anyway and for what we pay in rent it would be less than a mortgage on a nice house.

All of his friends and family are here, the majority of mine are in wales. The schools in our area are poor. Wales are better. We are at an impasse and he won't discuss moving. I don't know whether or not to push it but I feel so trapped in a small flat with young children. AIBU?

Ah, I see after re reading that you know you’re unreasonable

He is being unreasonable to not consider any option but staying. Have you asked him what his long term projection is?

Isn't there a load of regeneration work going on in Cardiff at the moment? Can you find out about the potential work for him there if he won't?

I'm with you OP (ok, disclaimer: I'm also Welsh) but I have also spent the last 2 years living far from my friends and family in order to have a little house with garden within our budget. It's been really hard at times, and I've felt really isolated and lonely, although that was mainly because I was a SAHM and didn't have any company apart from DH and a small baby. We've luckily come into some money and are now moving back closer.

If your DH got a job then hopefully he'd make friends and not have the same shitty experience that I've had.

The fact that you met in London is irrelevant. People move according to their circumstances. I can understand it's hard to move from the big city to a smaller one, but he does need to stop thinking about himself and put his family first. Your flat sounds a nightmare. You're unhappy and the kids need space. Would he really deny them the chance to have their own garden, all that fabulous fresh sea air and a different quality of life? I honestly think you need to try it for 2 years and if it doesn't work out, find an alternative compromise. Good luck!

With you not working, 2 more dependants and him with no job in Wales, how do you think you’d get a mortgage?

He is BU not to even consider it. It’s tricky though. I’m from London and DH and I met there, and I’d have happily stayed there, whereas he hated it and persuaded me to move out. The difference is that he had always made it clear right from the beginning that if we stayed together long term it would involve moving out of London. I can sort of see that from his point of view you met in London and he was assuming you’d stay there.

Having said that, as I said initially, he is BU not to even discuss a move anywhere. Two 18m toddlers on the 4th floor with no lift sounds like an absolute nightmare.

I have twins and I live in a house with a garden. the thought of living in a fourth floor flat with no garden and no lift makes me want to cry and cry and cry. mine are two and a half now and it's not really any easier to manage them both than it was when they were 18 months. I would be pushing for a move. At least when mine are getting too much for me to handle in the house we can all go out in the garden and burn off some steam.

Why should you make all the compromises? Agree to stay if he stays home with the babies in an overcrowded flat and you go back to work?

Tell him you’ll find a job in London and he can look after the twins in a flat all day with no garden and no lift.

Then see if he fancies moving? He’s being selfish.

DaphneFanshaw - her husband is also being selfish. They’ve got twins in a 2 bed flat and no lift, she hasn’t got any support by the sounds of it.

He’s losing income and imagine if he loses it to the extent they’ll be homeless.

Op isn’t being selfish, she’s trying to do the right thing for her kids.

He doesn't need to move to Wales but you could if you feel that strongly about it.

If he can't get regular work in London, how he will get work in Wales? I can't see how you would get a mortgage if he isn't working much.

YABU to expect him to move to wales when he knows no one there.

Remind him at one time your dts were Welsh eggs in your ovaries. They aren't from London are they?

Well that’s a silly argument. They’re 50% London sperm.

Jelly bean, I agree with the op.
Her DP is being selfish.
In a relationship both people should have a valid say in where they should live.
I am really tired and have a temperature/ virus thing so I’m possibly not very clear atm.

I told another poster they sounded selfish....one that was agreeing with op’s DP. Maybe that was it

I have twin toddlers. I cannot even imagine living in a 4th floor flat with no lift, and I wouldn’t have survived it for 18 months - how do you even get them out on your own?!

YADNBU

Yes op, i agree you are not being selfish, he does need to compromise here, but maybe moving to Wales is a step too far ?
I am welsh , and I have lived in London. I found the move back to Wales quite a shock at first, even though it is my country and I wanted to be here, I had become used to life in a large city. My DH is also welsh though, so we didn’t have some of the issues you face.
It is hard to compromise on a location, if one of you will be unhappy either way, but he does need to take on board that your living situation is very hard for you, and that it needs to change.
Could you not rent in a different area of London ? Maybe a bit further out ?

And they have lived 18 months in df's home town. He can't possibly think his argument is reasonable....

What about a happy half way house ...Wiltshire / Gloucestershire?

It's not the question you asked exactly but it sounds like you need to get your work situation sorted in any case. As a pp said, my family are in building and the money isn't what it used to but all are booked for months. If he's struggling in London he might need to pinpoint the issue before he moves. Also, if he's not working much, is there a chance for you to get some part time work? Someone has to be earning!

I think yanbu to want to move, it just also seems there might be some problems with work and earning that follow you to Wales (or elsewhere) if you don't sort them out first.

What's his plan for when the kids are older? Do his family help with childcare?

Yanbu to want to move somewhere more affordable.
Yabu to pressure him to move to Wales.
Massively.

The thing is, the op says she has tried to compromise with a happy medium or moving to a suburb and her DP is dead set on stay where they are.

I’d give him one last chance to compromise or go on my own. I really would I can’t imagine living in a fourth floor flat with no lift and 18 month old twins. How do you even go out on your own?

If he can't get work, why don't you get work, leave him to be the sahp.
Then, he can see what it's like and will want to move somewhere bigger.

Presumably if you met DH in London and now have 18 month old DC you've lived there for quite some time? You must know some people locally by now? I'd be wary of moving back to your home town in the basis that you have lots of friends and family there, they have moved on with their lives since you've been gone and you may not find moving back to be as great as you are assuming.

There must be some middle ground between expensive part of London and moving to Wales?