PIL and Housing

[exculpatrix]

So, to set out the starting premise: My partner's parents offered to buy us a house in January. Before I say anything else I want to note that I am hugely grateful for this. It's a massively nice thing to do, and I very much appreciate the financial burden involved. Getting a house in London is pretty much the same as a decent size lottery win, and I don't want anyone to think I'm not very thankful for the offer.

With that caveat out of the way, I have some issues with things, and I want to know if I'm being out of line or not. Issues:

1. They want a lot of say in things. They keep saying it should be a "forever home" where we're happy, but they also keep trying to tell us where it should be. We live in Kings Cross at the moment, and are looking at areas a bit further out but with good transport links such as Colliers Wood, Colindale, Walthamstow, and Leytonstone. Her parents seem determined that we should live somewhere like Stevenage, St Albans, or Chorley Wood, and just ignore us whenever we say those places are too far out. For reference, I've lived my whole life in London, have moved around it a lot, and my dad is a licensed black cab driver who did the knowledge and taught me a lot about different bits of London. I know this city well. Her parents live in Yorkshire and spend as little time down here as possible. They don't know what this city is like.

1. Their organisation. They made this offer to us in January. They only spoke to their accountant about the practicality of it this week. I appreciate that house buying isn't a fast process, but they are dragging their heels at every step. My partner hates living where we do at the moment and is desperate to get out, but they seem in no rush to do anything.

1. Their lack of communication. It's only this week that they've given us a rough idea of budget, and even then they won't give us an actual number for what our upper limit is, which makes it hard to work out what we can realistically look at. They also won't discuss housing around me at all. This stresses my partner out to no end. She doesn't want to have to play messenger, running back and forth between us, but they're not giving her much choice. They've apparently pretty much made it clear to her that I'm considered a plus one, so my opinion doesn't matter, so there's no point involving me in the conversation.

1. And this is the kicker: Apparently her dad has now said that he thinks I should get a mortgage and contribute to the cost of the house. For the record: her parents are minted. They don't need the money I would add to afford this place. They can drop £800k on a house and not even really notice. I'm a mid level civil servant, I could get about £120k on a mortgage max. So it's not the case that they need me to contribute. Her dad just thinks I should have "skin in the game" to make things fair. This is a new development, and certainly wasn't mentioned when they made the offer. I made career decisions based on their offer (could have taken a 3 year posting in New York and lived rent free in Manhattan the whole time, but chose to stay in London because I thought we were getting a house), so am feeling a bit miffed that they're changing the terms of the offer on us.

I guess I have a couple of questions:

A) AIBU to think that they're making this harder than it needs to be? And that if they're going to make the offer they shouldn't then turn around and change the terms?

B) Could I even get a mortgage? Her parents want to keep the house in their name for at least a few years, so that if anything goes wrong between us I can't lay a claim on it. Which is fair enough, I can understand wanting to protect your investment. But I feel pretty sure a bank won't lend me any kind of money if the house isn't in my name, because then the bank has no security on their loan?

Can't figure out how to edit the first post to add a third question:

3. AIBU to think it's unfair of them to ask me to commit myself to paying £800 a month or so for the next 25 years, when it makes no material difference to them whether I contribute or not? Like, they can afford this either way, and will still have more than enough to live on. We'll buy the house, they'll barely notice, but I'll be carrying the burden for decades.

Shut up let them buy you a house be grateful you’ve landed on your feet. You say partner I take it you’re not married. Maybe you should pay rent rather than take out a mortgage.

That's a good idea from LIIot5 pay rent on your half.

A) yes they are.
B) you can't get a mortgage without also being an actual owner.
C) that's how people like them are rich.

At the moment they aren’t buying you & your partner a house, they are planning on becoming your landlords. Maybe you & partner should just find a house you like & present it to them as the one you want?

So they want to buy a house for their daughter to live in really. Are you married? Do you have children together? Irrespective of how rich they are, as a parent I would be very cautious of how safe my money was in this situation. If the house is in joint name, you could easily leave your partner and take half the value. If it's just in her name, you'd benefit from being mortgage and rent free. You're correct that they cannot buy it in their names and you have a mortgage on the property from a legal stand. The only way that could happen is if they sign a legal document to say that their contribution is a gift to you as the mortgagee and they would have no legal claim on the property. The same would happen if you and your partner got a joint mortgage.
Any way you look at it, what they actually want to do is buy their daughter a house and make sure you have no claim on it. I'd do the same in their shoes!

If it were my daughter and you weren’t married i’d want you to have absolutely no claim on the house. They probably see it as entirely her house by making you chip in they are trying to protect their daughter from freeloading. You could get the mortgage/pay rent/ take on lions share of bills. Think about what you are bringing to the table and be clear about that.

Tbf to her parents they aren’t buying YOU a house they are buying their daughter a house.

@Lllot5
Hear hear

I can’t see that you would get a mortgage on a house in someone else’s name

I doubt you can get any mortgage if the house is in their name. In reality you will be paying a rental contribution. Part of me says wow you are in an enviable position in one way but a bit at their mercy in another. I would think about what you really want for your future. Could you look for another job abroad if that's what you really wanted. Maybe after a couple more years together get married. This will put you in different position re any potential inheritance, re a house they may then buy?

They're trying to protect their investment. As it stands they'll be landlords so it's not that generous really.

But yes of course you should either pay rent or a mortgage. The latter would need you to be a legal owner so I doubt they'll actually want that when they think about it.

I've lived in a property owned by a (now ex) partner's parents. I can give you all the downsides but it would take a while...

Too many strings imo.
Tell them thanks but no thanks.

I am about this thread tbh, but to cover the points raised:-

If the parents provide the deposit and you get a mortgage on the property, they will be asked to confirm whether it is a gift and whether they want a share of the property. So this would be how you would get the mortgage and have the parents on the deeds as well as yourself.

Describing living costs as 'a burden' is a bid odd tbh. Presumably you pay rent ATM. A mid-level civil servant getting a fully-paid Manhattan apartment for a posting seems aspirational.

To answer a few of the posters above: We are married, and while we aren't thinking children yet, it's something we'll probably do in the future once her career is more sorted. The places we've been looking at are all places with more than enough room for a child, and in proximity to good schools.

Also, I've offered to sign a post-nup waiving any right to the house if things go wrong between us, because I appreciate that they want to be protected against me running off with half their equity. I don't know if they're on board with that idea because, as noted above, they won't discuss it when I'm in the room.

It is nice of them but they seem to be making it clear that they are buying your partner a house, and you are not involved.

How does your partner feel about this?

I think you and your partner need to firstly agree if it's her house or both your house. If its your partners house then I guess there is not much you can do but I would clarify that you're not supposed to be paying them rent and what happens if you and your partner get married. And also who pays for upkeep and home improvements

No way would I be contributing to the mortgage or home improvements to someone else's house. You're either on the deeds or you can use your mortgage towards your own investments. What would your partner do if a big chuck of your money was going on the mortgage and she didn't have to pay anything towards it? Woukd she pay all bills so you had equal spare money? What would then happen to your part if you split up?

I think your partner needs to speak to her parents and say thanks for the offer but they either sign over the cash and trust her to get on with it, and put it in her name, and but out, or she says no thanks and they work out another way to give her an investment e.g. buy a house closer to them in her name and give her the rent.

If it's in their name only and they want to influence how much you contribute and where you live then I dont think the interference will stop there. I have seen similar threads on here and then their circumstances change and they want it back at

It does have an air of manufactured complications about it, but I understand why they want to keep it in their name for a few years.

Are you married? How long have you been together?

I actually think the idea of you getting a small mortgage in your name would be a good idea if you actually owned the house, but they will have made it impossible for you to actually do this.

Have you pressed them for more detail on this?

I think you either need to accept all their terms or else look to buy or rent your own place and let your partner’s parents buy her whatever it is they want to get her.

@ChicCroissant:

They're not offering a deposit, they're offering to just buy it outright. The last I heard (as noted, I only get information through my partner) the idea was that they would buy it, keep it in their name for 5 years in case we split up (how that helps I don't know) and then gift it to her.

I work for the FCO. Our housing costs are paid when we're working at embassies overseas. If I took a posting at our mission to the UN (which I was offered, but turned down because of the offer from her parents) then yes, I would have my accommodation costs in New York covered for the duration of my deployment there. I wouldn't get the five bed penthouse of our lead trade negotiator, sure, but I'd still be living rent free within 40 minutes travel of Grand Central.

Regardless of how the finances are eventually settled, if I was your partner I wouldn’t accept my parents refusing to discuss it with you present. They want this to be your forever home, (and whatever happens it will have financial implications for both of you) but they don’t want you involved in any decisions? No thanks.

If you are married I think that is different. Let them buy it, you pay the bills. If you get divorced whilst they own it, they may then sign it over to their daughter. If they both die whilst you live there you can inherit it as part of your wife's assets when they leave it to her.

Ok well if you are married I’d say they are being a bit out of order. I’d be a bit upset if my in-laws were acting like a house they helped us to buy had nothing to do with me. Do you generally have a good relationship with them?

I think if you want your own independence, either say thanks but no thanks, or accept it as on a loan basis - my dh did this with his parents when the bank convinced them it was ok to loan him a large some of money for retraining. He refused to be indebted to them because of their behaviour, and even in the years it took to pay them off they still behaved like they owned him as it were. That last payment to them was the best thing. Being indebted wasn't pleasant.

Personally, I would be saying thanks but no thanks. It already has disaster written all over it and your marriage is going to suffer. This house will never be your home and I assure you your PIL's will never let you forget it.

I get that, but if you wanted to get a mortgage I think it would be viewed as a very large deposit. It would also mean your name was on the deeds, as well as the mortgage company having a charge on the property - as an earlier poster said, I bet that's not what your PIL want so when that option is outlined to them it may be a no-go anyway!

There are tax implications to consider as well, I'm thinking they might even be liable for CGT as they will be transferring the property and will never have lived in it themselves, but I'm not sure if they gift it. It all sounds a bit of a pain tbh!