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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIU? Male in Female Area - Child

160 replies

Dino1 · 19/07/2019 16:00

DD is 10 and does an activity which requires she gets changed on the premises. The activity is 9-18 years mixed sex. Yesterday DD and others were changing in designated female area and 17 year old male enters and stays. DD says she was in her knickers at the time as were others, they all tried to hide.
I complained to captain who apologised but said if it makes me feel better the male is gay. It doesn't make me feel better. DD was very upset by it and felt vulnerable.
DH says I was unreasonable to complain as these things happen and the boy was obviously not in there to perv but to be with his friends. DH says it's not right but that making a fuss is not going to help anyone.
I am fuming, with DH attitude, with a 17 year old boy/man thinking it's ok to go into female area where young girls are undressed, and with captain for thinking sexuality has any implication and not recognising how inappropriate this is.
I am not unreasonable am I? The captain has apologised and said it will never happen again. Am I overreacting here? I am still angry and feel this is serious and not just one of those things.

OP posts:

MissConductUS · 19/07/2019 16:04

YANBU unreasonable to have been upset and the captain was clueless to think the boy's orientation had anything to do with it.

If he's now been corrected and steps taken to ensure it doesn't happen again it's fair to let it go. If the captain has apologized others have doubtless complained as well.

Iloveacurry · 19/07/2019 16:05

You’re not being unreasonable. I have a 11 DD and would be unhappy with this also. Doesn’t matter if the 17 year old is gay or not, he should use the male changing room.

donquixotedelamancha · 19/07/2019 16:06

Am I overreacting here?

No, you are not. The fact that the boy says he's gay is irrelevant. 17 is not a child.

Your husband is a muppet- how does he imagine a third party can tell that someone is 'not there to perve' and why does he think safeguarding should be based on such a subjective estimation?

You did the exact right thing and as a bonus you now know your DH will need supervising with complex tasks in future.

Sirzy · 19/07/2019 16:07

His sexuality is irrelevant. He isn’t female and his presence understandably made others feel uncomfortable

clarissa469 · 19/07/2019 16:07

I don’t think you’re BU however, if it was my kid I’d be raging too. You need to ask yourself if the captain has apologised and said it won’t happen again, is that enough for you? If not what would you like to happen in these circumstances? Are you still lingering anger on the fact that - that little twirp made his way into the changing rooms or is it how it was dealt with?x

pepsimax20bigger · 19/07/2019 16:08

Yanbu it's not acceptable

Baguetteaboutit · 19/07/2019 16:08

If course you should complain. It's not likely one of the ten year old girls was going to take it up with the management. Is your dh always so wet or just when it doesn't affect him?

GCAcademic · 19/07/2019 16:10

I hope your husband is not voicing these views in front of your daughter. Because, if so, what he is teaching her to do is to put up and shut up when her boundaries are violated by males.

Fucket · 19/07/2019 16:10

I kicked up a fuss at my children’s swimming lessons, they got moved to a different venue and the changing rooms were not clear. I was told the second week it would be clear, but they hadn’t bothered and dads were getting their children changed in the ‘female’ changing area. I got them moved out because my 7 year old wanted to change by herself for swimming. One mum had to take over getting her daughter ready and she told me I was outdated.

Outdated or not the swim school sent a safeguarding email around stating the policy on changing areas, and apologising for not getting the venue to put up signs.

I would ask the captain about their safeguarding policy and what the rules are regarding changing rooms.

Original poster

Dino1 · 19/07/2019 16:11

I am angry still because I feel like my DD was made to feel embarrassed and vulnerable in a place she should feel confident and happy. I am pissed off that everyone, DH and captain, seem to be making out it's not a big deal. I am angry that the boy/man thought it was ok and didn't care how it made others feel. I am angry that his sexuality was used as an explanation. I just feel like it hasn't been taken seriously and DD now feels uneasy returning because of that stupid boy and the adults inability to safeguard her.

OP posts:

JellySlice · 19/07/2019 16:12

Captain seems clueless on multiple safeguarding issues:

Males above age 8 should not be in female changing.

Girls and young women do not have to fear rape in order have privacy. They are entitled to personal dignity and privacy, regardless.

The young man's sexuality is not only irrelevant, but also none of your business. As he is a minor, his captain should not have been revealing this personal information to anybody.

popehilarious · 19/07/2019 16:12

Your dh has a young daughter. He seriously needs to learn about safeguarding asap.

stucknoue · 19/07/2019 16:13

Yanbu but it's possible that the young man felt threatened in the male changing rooms, many gay teens are bullied for their sexuality though in that case using a unisex disabled changing room is the answer

lmusic87 · 19/07/2019 16:14

No, its not okay. Its good your DD told you.

clarissa469 · 19/07/2019 16:14

@Dino1 I really feel for you, I’d wanna knock the captain and my husband out. I’d put a formal complaint in if it was me, it’s unacceptable. How many times has this happened before with other kids who haven’t said anything? You have every right to me mad. What a warped society we are in for someone to think that just because the kid/man was gay he is “safe” to be in a ladies only part. How irresponsible of them. I don’t want to bash your husband any more than the others but he is really washing it down aka being an ass

Original poster

Dino1 · 19/07/2019 16:14

Yeah DH surprised me as I am rather vocal on my opinions regarding female safe spaces and thought he agreed. Seems if his gay it's ok though by him! I thought he would be more enraged like I am but he seems accepting... Maybe I suggest it's ok for me to be naked around other males so long as a third party tells me they are gay!!

OP posts:

clarissa469 · 19/07/2019 16:15

@JellySlice couldn’t have said it better

bellinisurge · 19/07/2019 16:15

Not sure why "he feels at risk in a male changing room" means he is ok to violate your DD's dignity and privacy. The problem is the make changing room needs to be a safe environment not "children and women need to accommodate anyone threatened by men".

Original poster

Dino1 · 19/07/2019 16:16

If it makes a difference the male is the only male on the team, and it is a "traditionally" female activity.

OP posts:

Fucket · 19/07/2019 16:16

Seriously ask them for their safeguarding policy regarding changing areas. It’s not acceptable, show your daughter it’s not acceptable and it’s ok to ask questions, complain and hopefully get this taken seriously. Your DH and all the other men in this situation need educating on this matter!

bellinisurge · 19/07/2019 16:17

male not make

bellinisurge · 19/07/2019 16:18

Makes not a jot of difference.

ahumanfemale · 19/07/2019 16:18

You're NBU. It does appear to be a one off though. If it were to happen again that would neither be a one off nor a mistake. Then it would be time to make a big deal.

Also best to just say to DD it won't happen again and not show her how angry you are because you want her to tell you if it happens again.

Original poster

Dino1 · 19/07/2019 16:18

DD knows it is not ok and I told her she was good to tell me, that it absolutely is never ok for any male to be in a female space like that and that I would complain and she was pleased I did as she didn't want to risk it happening again.

OP posts:

HeadintheiClouds · 19/07/2019 16:19

Why would the young man feeling threatened in the male changing rooms make it ok for him to go into the women’s and make young girls feel threatened?? Are you quite mad?

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