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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIU? Male in Female Area - Child

160 replies

Dino1 · 19/07/2019 16:00

DD is 10 and does an activity which requires she gets changed on the premises. The activity is 9-18 years mixed sex. Yesterday DD and others were changing in designated female area and 17 year old male enters and stays. DD says she was in her knickers at the time as were others, they all tried to hide.
I complained to captain who apologised but said if it makes me feel better the male is gay. It doesn't make me feel better. DD was very upset by it and felt vulnerable.
DH says I was unreasonable to complain as these things happen and the boy was obviously not in there to perv but to be with his friends. DH says it's not right but that making a fuss is not going to help anyone.
I am fuming, with DH attitude, with a 17 year old boy/man thinking it's ok to go into female area where young girls are undressed, and with captain for thinking sexuality has any implication and not recognising how inappropriate this is.
I am not unreasonable am I? The captain has apologised and said it will never happen again. Am I overreacting here? I am still angry and feel this is serious and not just one of those things.

OP posts:
Motoko · 19/07/2019 17:06

Perhaps you should remind your husband that "making a fuss" is the only reason women have managed to get some equality today.

Purpleartichoke · 19/07/2019 17:07

He has no business in that room. Because positive activities are so important for children and teens, I would give him one more chance. If it happens again, he should be banned from the activity. The girls also need an official reassurance that they are entitled to a female only changing space.

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 19/07/2019 17:07

The man is 17 and thinks it’s ok to go into the ladies? Says a lot about the arrogance and male entitlement he has.

Deathraystare · 19/07/2019 17:08

Your DH and all the other men in this situation need educating on this matter!

At the very least!

I am getting extremely angry about how women are being so little thought of. They (Husband and Captain) need to be shaken - to get some sense put into them!

Mind you - I still cannot believe it that us girls used to have to do P>E in our knickers! Albeit special knicks for P.E. but why never shorts or a skirt?

goldfinchfan · 19/07/2019 17:11

It seems that more and more safe female only spaces are being eroded.

It is important for young girls to feel safe so I think you should make a complaint and also did any other mums show any concerns?

TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 19/07/2019 17:12

I'm not sure what else you want, you rightly complained. The captain apologised and said he will speak to the lad in question and it won't happen again. Your DHs dismissive attitude is a family matter.

ReanimatedSGB · 19/07/2019 17:14

What was the reason given for this boy going in to the "girls'" room. Was he sent there to change with his team, did he decide to stay with his team, did he offer any explanation? Has your DD ever said anything to you about disliking him or feeling uncomfortable around him? Because, presumably, as they are in the same team, he's a team-mate rather than Some Strange Male (or is the 'team' about 30 people?)

It seems odd and inappropriate, true - but possibly the changing facilities were designated for teams rather than by sex or gender and, if this kid is shy or diffident (which could be the case if he's the only boy in a predominantly female hobby) he might not have liked to draw attention to himself by asking for different changing facilities.

S1naidSucks · 19/07/2019 17:16

I’m actually surprised that a gay man would want to be in area where females might be undressed. I would have thought the idea of undressed females would have been very unattractive to him. His sense of Male arrogance must have overcome that.

NoSauce · 19/07/2019 17:16

I can’t believe your DH! Or the man in question, surely he knows he can’t go into women’s changing rooms!Hmm

GaraMedouar · 19/07/2019 17:16

You were right to complain OP. Girls and boys should be changing in separate sex facilities.

HeadintheiClouds · 19/07/2019 17:18

No changing rooms are designed for “teams”. They’re male and female (or at least they used to be and still should)

ReanimatedSGB · 19/07/2019 17:22

I have occasionally encountered spaces divided by team rather than by sex/gender if it's something like a contest between several teams. Someone could have decided to do that if it's something like 99% girls who do this activity and no one remembered that one of DD's team is a boy. But, again I'm wondering what explanation was given.

ContactLight · 19/07/2019 17:22

I'm assuming a dressing room. Where were the chaperones?

MollyButton · 19/07/2019 17:24

Who is senior to the Coach? Does the centre/hall they use have a safeguarding officer (or what kind of oversight does it have)?
I would be complaining upwards possibly to the sports body (dance body) or management (management committee of the hall). Or if you can't find anyone else to the local Social services.
The attitude of the Coach and your DH show that both of them are part of the problem. This lack of action is eroding those girl's boundaries and are a step along the way to grooming and abuse. That is why girls in school from quite a young age are usually found a "private" space to get changed in for PE if they want.

SuperSara · 19/07/2019 17:26

I'm very liberal, when it comes to nudity, but no way would I accept a 17yo male being in a room where young girls are undressing.

Completely out of order.

You need to have a word with your DH about his daughter's rights, too.

S1naidSucks · 19/07/2019 17:27

It’s also very depressing how many posters are telling the OP she should basically ‘get over it’ because she received an apology. OP, I would actually put your complaint in writing, using the very good guidance from JellySlice, so you have evidence in case the captain fails to act. I honestly believe, although he isn’t trans, this is connected to the TRA push for unisex spaces.

pikapikachu · 19/07/2019 17:28

I would be angry too. I have kids with that age gap and regardless of which one is male and female, the younger child shouldn't have to see a person of the opposite sex in the changing room. The comment about the boy's sexuality is out of order.

I have children in the older age range and sometimes they need reminding not to do stupid stuff like this. (I'm assuming that it's an innocent mistake) If nobody brings it up then the 17yo would continue doing this. It's a shame that none of the boy's friends told him to go to the mens because he looks like a perv hanging around in the women's.

Fraggling · 19/07/2019 17:29

You are right and they are wrong

I can't believe your dh. He's ok with random men coming in while his dad is taking her clothes off? Bonkers.

NeonLights · 19/07/2019 17:29

Your husband's attitude to this is disgraceful!

IMO it makes ZERO difference if the male is 17/71 gay/straight. The fact of the matter is that he is a MALE who has violated a designated female space. His mere presence is likely to make many females uncomfortable but hey, let's overlook that because he's (allegedly) gay!?!?!? Your husband's logic is mind boggling.

Durgasarrow · 19/07/2019 17:29

We are giving our girls mixed messages--that they are responsible for attracting the male gaze because they entice them with their (clothes/hair/voices/walk/footsteps/manner/etc.), and yet then trying to tell them that they deserve no right to control their physical boundaries.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/07/2019 17:37

Durgas
Very good explanation of the situation.

Yabbers · 19/07/2019 17:41

Thank you everyone for validation

You actually thought there might be a situation where a man approaching adulthood should be in a changing room of young girls and that people would say that was ok? Doubt it.

Orangecake123 · 19/07/2019 17:42

Of course you are not being unreasonable OP.

He shouldn't be there full stop.

Yabbers · 19/07/2019 17:44

The fact of the matter is that he is a MALE who has violated a designated female space

No, the fact of a matter is an almost grown man was in the changing room with much younger girls.

HeadintheiClouds · 19/07/2019 17:50

One isn’t less serious than the other, Yabbers