WIU? Male in Female Area - Child

[Dino1]

DD is 10 and does an activity which requires she gets changed on the premises. The activity is 9-18 years mixed sex. Yesterday DD and others were changing in designated female area and 17 year old male enters and stays. DD says she was in her knickers at the time as were others, they all tried to hide.
I complained to captain who apologised but said if it makes me feel better the male is gay. It doesn't make me feel better. DD was very upset by it and felt vulnerable.
DH says I was unreasonable to complain as these things happen and the boy was obviously not in there to perv but to be with his friends. DH says it's not right but that making a fuss is not going to help anyone.
I am fuming, with DH attitude, with a 17 year old boy/man thinking it's ok to go into female area where young girls are undressed, and with captain for thinking sexuality has any implication and not recognising how inappropriate this is.
I am not unreasonable am I? The captain has apologised and said it will never happen again. Am I overreacting here? I am still angry and feel this is serious and not just one of those things.

@ReanimatedSGB - Because, presumably, as they are in the same team, he's a team-mate rather than Some Strange Male (or is the 'team' about 30 people?)

Not sure how that posted before I replied. But what I wanted to say was that I have 2 males on my team at work, and while not strangers in the true sense of the word, I sure wouldn't want to change my clothes in their presence.

I did gymnastics as a kid. Changing rooms were single sex, one bit with lockers and open changing and a separate bit with doors with showers.

One teenage boy, declared he was gay and was welcomed into the female changing rooms by the teenage girls and they clustered in the shower part. I hated it. We wore leotards with nothing under so when getting changed were naked.

He wasn’t gay btw. Came out later.

Why would a gay male need access to a girl's changing room?

My DD used to perform in a dance group and there was one boy there. In all shows, both our chaperones and the organisers were very careful on ensuring that the boy was changing in a separte room. They were all between 9-12. Over 8 y o is the law. Not be discussed and bent.

YANBU for all the reasons people have already stated.
Your DD is entitled to privacy and dignity in the single sex changing room.

So how is an 8 year old child going to be able to distinguish between a 'safe' gay man and a man?

She can't. Adults have to do it for her. Therefore- separate changing rooms

Don't quite understand why people are reacting like this complaint has been dismissed or invalidated. The coach apologized, agreed it was unacceptable and promised it would not happen again. That seems appropriate to me.

I agree that boys/ men of any sexuality should not be allowed into a female changing space, and any time girls are uncomfortable, that should matter and be adjusted to.

But the severity of the incident does change, I think, depending on the boy's intentions. With this, his sexuality does strike me as relevant.

Surely the level of violation and the actual threat (for example some have mentioned fear of rape) is far less if the man is gay, and therefore has no sexual interest or intent? As I say, I still agree he shouldn't be in there. But if this were a straight 17 year old, clearly in there to perv on the girls, then I would definitely escalate and consider removing my child. I would go to war on that one.

But Under the circumstances described, I think an apology and assurance it won't happen again are appropriate.

This is not (only) about "safety" or someone being gay. I have a few male gay friends. I have male colleagues and mates in the gym.

I am 100% sure they are not going to attack me in the changing room. So I would be "safe". I would still categorically not want to change in their presence.

Is it really so hard to comprehend to those people who keep coming up with completely irrelevant reasoning as to why I should be OK with it?

But the coach didn't say she should be ok with it. She apologized and promised it wouldn't happen again.

She mentioned the boys sexuality because that may take some discomfort away for some people (as it would for me). Even the way she said it (I don't know if this makes a difference, but..." acknowledged that this may not influence the mother/ daughter's feelings.

I just don't see how the mother or daughter's feelings are being disregarded here....

The lesson that the Captain needs to learn is that he is normalising an older male being in a changing room with children present. That is the bottom line. The male's sexuality is irrelevant. It's not about the individual; it's about any older male and correct boundaries, irrespective of whether or not they are deemed 'safe'; It's standard safeguarding that has been compromised here. This person needs refresher training.

Sorry...captain is female...the lesson she needs to learn

The 10 year old girls present wouldn’t be able to gauge the sexuality of every Tom, Dick or Harry who strolls into their changing area and they shouldn’t have to.
It’s irrelevant. He’s male, he belong in the male changing room.

Asssult isnt about sexuality anyway. Its about power.

Being gay will have no bearing on that.

Anyway, OP only has the captain's word that he's gay, he might not be.

Sexuality really has no bearing on this anyway. I'd rather get changed in front of a gay female than a gay Male.

WTF? I would have shrieked! 17yo is not a child!

Unacceptable.

He might be the only boy, but he still needs to get changed separately.
Sexuality has fuck all to do with it.

He needs some empathy. He's never been a teenage or pre-teen girl so he has no clue.

This would also explain your DH, but he should be a bit more alive to the safeguarding issue as a grown man with DDs!

The captain should be both alert to safeguarding AND remember what it's like to be a teenage girl.

But the severity of the incident does change, I think, depending on the boy's intentions.

No, it does not.

The young man's intentions may have been completely innocent. He may have entered the room just to sit and chat with Suzy and Clare, continuing the conversation they had started at school.

Suzy and/or Clare may not have minded him seeing them undressed. But Suzy and Clare cannot give consent for other people's privacy being invaded.

Saying that it's OK for this young man to enter the girls' changing space because he had no intention of doing harm normalises male presence in private female.

The girls were uncomfortable that he was in there with them. Saying that it was OK because he wasn't going to harm them teaches the girls that their personal boundaries are unjustifiable and may be ignored.

It is a 'gateway' incident.

I expect there was no ill intent ; presumably the boy and his female friends thought no more about him being there than if they’d all gone off to , say, a festival and shared a tent. Except that a) this was an organised activity and as they are still minors, the organiser has safeguarding responsibilities to them as well as to the younger children and b) those older teenagers have no right to set boundaries for other children regarding privacy and dignity. Really, the organiser / captain needs to set out appropriate rules and explain the rationale to all team members.
Also, it was totally wrong to disclose his sexuality to a third party.

Your dh is being bvu and delusional
And you are def not bu

I'd rather get changed in front of a gay female than a gay Male

Me too.

I think @owlonabike has it right - the boy didn't really think about it because he was with his mates, and all that's necessary is a gentle reminder from the leader that he needs to stay out of the girls' changing room.

Hes 17. Hes had at least 10 years of going to mens spaces.

Are we really going to lower the bar that much that we assume someone 1 year off being an adult didnt think about what he was doing