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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not making DS go on this trip?

179 replies

Juicyfrooty · 19/07/2019 13:48

DS is now approaching the end of year 10. The school is planning a 'gcse bootcamp' trip for all year 11 pupils at the start of term. The trip involves an overnight stay at an outdoor activity centre, revision sessions and team building activities and adventure courses.

DS does not want to go, he went on this kind of trip in primary school and hated it, he also has a game for a sport he plays on the Saturday morning (the trip is overnight on the friday) that he doesn't want to miss.

The school have called me and said the trip is very important for GCSE preparation and he should be attending.

I'm finding it hard to see just how much essential GCSE prep can be done in a less than 24 hour trip and am thinking if he doesn't want to go then it's no big deal.

OP posts:
SaraNade · 20/07/2019 11:25

@TanMateix You don't understand. This is not getting them to face their fears and stresses, this is ADDING TO THEM! You do not get over 'fears and stresses' by traumatising them like this. You sound like someone who doesn't 'get' introverts, and genuinely does not have a clue. I can assure you that given the chance, a fair amount of kids would choose not to go, too. Threatening them with being ostracised and not being popular is not only nonsense, but it shows a shallowness, immaturity, and bullying mentality. As adults, we should know better than to say 'you should go on this or else you will be outcast'. That perpetuates it. Unfortunately, you really, really do not understand. Forcing a child to do something like this is very traumatising and causes far, FAR more harm than good. Independence and self-reliance (which most introverts already have, and extroverts lack because they need a pack around them) are things a person picks up, it cannot be taught by abseiling down a cliff or learning to tie ropes. Actually, in fact, it concerns me that extroverts need to have people with them, as if they are afraid to be alone. It actually seems like extroverts are the ones lack independence and self-reliance, something this is innate to an introvert, we don't even need to learn it.

He is taking exams, sitting at a desk, with a pen and paper. No one needs 'bonding' for what is a solo task. Try bonding with a friend during an exam - you'd be failed for cheating. It's all absolute rubbish and it is unbelievable we are still having this conversation in 2019. We still have a long way to go to educate some people about these things clearly.

PuppyMonkey · 20/07/2019 11:27

Well when he gets a job, he should tell his employers he won’t be working outside his contracted hours for starters.

swingofthings · 20/07/2019 11:30

It's one day, even if he hates it, it really is not the end of the world. He should go, take part in the team building exercises and if they are physical activities he really don't want to take part in, he can say no, most likely he won't be the only one.

What a pity to support him not going just based on what he thinks it will be like and assuming it will be like what he did years ago. The number of times I had to force my kids to do things they really didn't want to do for them to turn around saying they had the best time of their lives!

Girasole02 · 20/07/2019 11:34

Will it be on his college reference that he attended/did not attend?

SaraNade · 20/07/2019 11:39

@beachysandy81 Sadly for your son you don't seem to get it either. Not everyone lives with others during uni. That is a very random thing.
And children do best when they are allowed to develop at their own pace, not pushed and FORCED to do things they don't want to do. The psychological damage of this was known in the 1980s. Why are we still having this conversation in 2019? No, he won't feel 'proud' that he did it, he will feel he has no rights of autonomy, no right to be heard, to right to say if something makes him feel uncomfortable. How many times do people need to say that you do not build resilience by traumatising a child? You do not build resilience by forcing your child to do something he is clearly uncomfortable doing, in fact it is very selfish on your part, and all it does is make him feel he has no right to his own choices, likes, dislikes, preferences. He will feel TRAPPED. Trust me, I know. You truly have no idea. You cannot see it now, but your son will never forget how he was felt traumatised and disrespected and made to feel uncomfortable, and worse, he doesn't even have his own mother to give him comfort and support, to be on his side, and he will learn you will dismiss his fears. Parents who do these things have absolutely no idea of the damage they are doing to their child. It is selfish and cruel.

LISTEN to your child. If they are no comfortable doing something, do not, whatever you do, under any circumstances, force them to. You might mean well but the emotional and psychological damage lasts well into adulthood. Instead of taking him to a hypnotherapist for his PERSONALITY, how about accepting him as he is? How about teaching him we are all different, and that it is ok to be introverted and not want to stay some where or do something? That he is worth being listened to and his opinion counts. How about just accepting him for who he is, instead of trying change him to be something he never will be?

ddl1 · 20/07/2019 11:49

'Will it be on his college reference that he attended/did not attend?'

As someone who is involved in university admissions: (1) No, this is not the sort of thing that teachers put in references; and (2) If they did, the colleges would find it ridiculous and ignore it.

TanMateix · 20/07/2019 11:49

Saranade, I see the effects of not stretching them in a weekly basis, do you think children can magically deal with anxiety and stresses the moment you drop them at uni in Freshers week? They don’t honestly, it takes time, so it is much better that that stretching them to deal with their anxieties little by little is done at home as they grow up rather than being pushed in the deep end of the pool suddenly. Can you imagine how terrifying it will be for a kid not used to deal with this things suddenly themselves living with a bunch of strangers, miles away from home without the support network they cannot survive without? Honestly, I do understand, it is me who is handing the tissues out and trying to reassure them that they will be fine once they get used to it.

Honestly people, it is our job as parents to protect our kids, but the real goal is to help them learn to fly on their own, we are not going to be around forever.

JacquesHammer · 20/07/2019 11:52

Honestly people, it is our job as parents to protect our kids, but the real goal is to help them learn to fly on their own, we are not going to be around forever

Absolutely. I don’t believe forcing a child to do something they don’t want to do actually does teach them to fly on their own.

Nautiloid · 20/07/2019 11:56

Hmmm this is really tricky and, as someone who has anxiety and also used to hate these kinds of activities, I'm really torn on what would be best for him.

I think what would swing me more one way or the other would be whether or not he has a good, understanding group of friends who will also be attending and can offer a bit of support if needed. If not, I'd be wary.

Would there be anything he could do between now and the trip to be better prepared?

Sometimes with anxiety we need to be pushed out of our comfort zone to progress, and sometimes it's detrimental.

He is also of an age where he can consider all these things and make a decision.

Not much help from me really!

SaraNade · 20/07/2019 12:10

@TanMateix Why do you assume they will be living with people away from home? That is not something that all people do. And yes, things are taken slowly, at their own pace. Not throwing them in at the deep end by sending to do abseiling.

It's also disturbing that despite hand out tissues, you seem to not be affected at all that you are upsetting children. One would say that is taking distinct pleasure from cruelty. If a child is distraught enough over something that they are crying, surely that should be a wake up call to you, and prick your conscience? Your attitude disturbs me. If a child was crying over something, I would feel so guilty. It would change me. I would not keep on handing out tissues, I would wake the heck up and change what I was doing. Nothing seems to get through to you, not even a crying child. Reading your post terrifies me, it makes my blood run cold. It is something anyone would feel ashamed of, if they made a child cry, not take pride in it and hand out tissues. That really should be your wake up call.

bumblingbovine49 · 20/07/2019 12:12

I definitely would not make him go

ainslieb · 20/07/2019 12:17

Classic thread:

Op: AIBU
Most: yep, send him.
Op: NO IM NOT HERES WHY

PineappleSeahorse · 20/07/2019 12:18

I wouldn't say most said send him. Around half said don't force him.

ainslieb · 20/07/2019 12:19

@PineappleSeahorse Fine point, but OP is defensive so why even ask the question. She should just not send him if that's what's she decided.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 20/07/2019 12:20

I wouldn’t make him go. Can’t see how abseiling etc is going to be helpful in his exams, and he has other weekend commitments anyway.

AChickenCalledDaal · 20/07/2019 12:26

If school continues to press the "team building" element, do point out that he has an existing commitment to a sports team. So he already knows plenty about commitment to a team, and that's why he won't be going!

AChickenCalledDaal · 20/07/2019 12:27

Or alternatively:

Op: AIBU
Some: yep, send him.
Others: no, it sounds pointless and ghastly
Op: Thanks for your range of views. He's not going.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 20/07/2019 12:35

I might gently encourage. No way would I ‘make’ a year 10 child do a thing like this. They have reached the age where personal autonomy over non-essentials is so important.

bumblingbovine49 · 20/07/2019 12:35

For those saying send him/ make him go. What will he say to his team mates and coach who.he will be letting down on Saturday?

Maybe something like " Sorry I need to work on my team building / bonding skills (Confused) so I am going to let down my team for something entirely unecessary. Also my parents think I need to learn to do things I don't want to otherwise I will never get a job' Hmm

Original poster
Juicyfrooty · 20/07/2019 12:45

I don't think I've been defensive ainslie just not particularly impressed with posters using comments like 'he's a big boy now' and 'it would be pathetic not to go'. Also ths majority of the replies haven't been 'yep send him'

OP posts:
Brefugee · 20/07/2019 13:43

alnother PP pointed out something that would bother me about this, too.

why does it have to be Friday-Saturday if it's for schoolwork? Wednesday-Thursday would be better, surely. The staff have to give up their free time too.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 20/07/2019 13:44

I really wish people would stop with trite shite of "when he's working he's going to have to do stuff he won't want to do" the moral being he should always say yes.

Some of the things employers ask you to do are unsafe or illegal. They can be detrimental to yourself and others physically,mentally,personally or even legally.

Not all things implemented by schools are beneficial or even useful. It's ok to question things, attempt change or go against something as long as it's done thoughtfully, well researched,well reasoned and polite.

Saying no is not a crime. Saying no is not entitled or lazy. Saying no should be allowed and respected. And people learn that as children, not just judging when to say it, but also the ability to simply be able to say it.

I didn't do a lot of shit I didn't want to as a kid. Sometimes I even got punished,beaten, humiliated etc. for it. It just made me dig my heels in even more.(yes I was a pain in the butt)

I still managed to live in a room with 3 other people,in a flat share, move countries at 23, several house moves and didn't lose my shit(much) when we lost everything and lived in a room above a pub that was mice and bed bugs ridden.

Mabelface · 20/07/2019 13:55

Fuck that shit. I hated that sort of thing and still do. It's an extra curricular activity, so school can't insist. If he doesn't want to do it, then don't send him.

RhiWrites · 20/07/2019 14:11

There are not words enough to tell you how horrendous the trip of this kind my school sent me on was. My parents even asked in advance for details and the school lied about what was involved.

Don’t send him. Children are allowed to say no.

SaraNade · 20/07/2019 14:24

@ainslieb The overwhelming majority are saying don't make him go.