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AIBU?

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Original poster

For not making DS go on this trip?

179 replies

Juicyfrooty · 19/07/2019 13:48

DS is now approaching the end of year 10. The school is planning a 'gcse bootcamp' trip for all year 11 pupils at the start of term. The trip involves an overnight stay at an outdoor activity centre, revision sessions and team building activities and adventure courses.

DS does not want to go, he went on this kind of trip in primary school and hated it, he also has a game for a sport he plays on the Saturday morning (the trip is overnight on the friday) that he doesn't want to miss.

The school have called me and said the trip is very important for GCSE preparation and he should be attending.

I'm finding it hard to see just how much essential GCSE prep can be done in a less than 24 hour trip and am thinking if he doesn't want to go then it's no big deal.

OP posts:
Cakemadeoffruit · 19/07/2019 16:15

Sorry I haven't read all the replies.

I actually would argue your son has commitments to his Saturday sport, especially if it is a team sport and his team mates rely on him.

If it was something he wanted to do, it would be a different matter, but he doesn't.

floribunda18 · 19/07/2019 16:17

Also what concentrated revision will you be doing at
the start of Year 11? There is months of actually learning the stuff you need to revise yet. Surely no-one revises until
the night before at least March?

ysmaem · 19/07/2019 16:31

I wouldn't send him personally. If he's adamant he doesn't want to go then he doesn't want to go. You could always compromise and say if he doesn't want to do the revision at the bootcamp then he has to make time to revise and study on the Friday night for a couple of hours at home.

DistanceCall · 19/07/2019 16:43

This was (and still is) my personal idea of Hell. Don't send him if he doesn't want to go.

I don't know if this applies to your son, but I'm an introvert, and I'm fed up with organisations assuming by default that everyone's an extrovert and loves to do group stuff and that compulsory fun is a good idea. Urgh.

MintCassis · 19/07/2019 16:51

I’d try to find out more about the trip before making the final decision. Exactly which activities will be taking place and what are the options if someone isn’t comfortable doing something.

I say this having just come back from a residential trip last weekend. Nobody was forced or jollied into anything, we supported and encouraged the young people but also listened when they said no. For some young people just getting into the water was a huge achievement and celebrated as such. By the evening even the most reluctant participants were more confident. Facing up to fears helps build resilience and self-esteem.

New friendships are also formed on residential trips and the social aspect is hugely important. In-jokes and shared experiences help groups to bond, these will be re-told repeatedly over the following weeks and months. Young people who were on the periphery of the group at the start of our trip were actively included by others by the end.

My primary school residential put me off watersports. I didn’t try them on that trip or since. In the past couple of weeks as a member of staff I have tried kayaking, canoeing and gorge walking and loved them all!! The residential was the exactly same venue I went to in primary school. People change, your son will be going with different staff, possibly different classmates and there will be different instructors. He’s also older now.

Which aspect of the trip is putting him off? If it’s just because he didn’t enjoy something similar before I’d encourage him to give it another go. If it’s because of a specific incident, anxiety about being away, the types of activities or bullying then those things the school can help with.

CoConut22 · 19/07/2019 16:54

Don’t make him go. I have suffered with anxiety my whole life and was at my worst as a teen. Show him you understand and value his opinion, that will help his confidence far more than this trip.

AnyFucker · 19/07/2019 18:55

My son had the worst year of his life at 15. We only just managed to get him through his gcse's in one piece.He came out as gay, got bullied, attacked, developed MH problems... he has only come out the other side of at 19.

Forcing him on a trip like this would have sent him over the edge. Seriously. Listen to your son. He has an inner life you are not privy to.

Poloshot · 19/07/2019 19:50

Sometimes people have to stuff they don't want to do, and if adults pander to them they'll expect it their whole lives.

ddl1 · 19/07/2019 20:08

'Sometimes people have to stuff they don't want to do, and if adults pander to them they'll expect it their whole lives.'

Often not true. The times when adults forced me to do things that I was terrified of or couldn't manage are generally the things that I still dislike or have problems with. The times that they 'pandered' to me were much more likely to result in my getting over the dislike or fear at my own pace.

I am not suggesting that he be allowed to get out of doing things that are genuinely important, such as working hard at school, revising for his exams, or even being physically active (which he is, if he's taking part in a sporting activity). But forcing him to do this activity just because he doesn't want to do it is likely to turn him against it even more.

And I think it highly unlikely that he's going to be expected as an adult to go abseiling, or that it will be disastrous even if he does expect to avoid these sorts of group 'adventure' activities all his life.

ForalltheSaints · 19/07/2019 20:24

I'm glad I never had such an activity when I was that age. I would have prioritised the Saturday morning sport.

Don't force him, there may be issues you don't know about, and sport/exercise is important at that age.

cadburyegg · 19/07/2019 20:27

I wouldn’t send him if he didn’t want to go. He’s old enough to decide for himself.

Agree that the “big boy” attitude is detrimental.

What’s wrong with doing revision sessions at home instead?

BarbariansMum · 19/07/2019 20:33

he's a big boy now

Exactly this^^. And as a "big boy" his opinion on what is likely to be good for him should carry some weight.

wibbletooth · 19/07/2019 20:34

Op is there room for compromise here?

How far away is the Centre? Would it be feasible for him to go for the trip on the Friday but for you to pick him up on Friday evening... obviously talking to school beforehand to find out what activities they have planned on the different days so hopefully getting revision rather than outdoor stuff.

Then he would get a taste of it but hopefully none of the nasty activities that he doesn’t want to do (I would find lots of these activities very miserable so am completely understanding of why your ds wouldn’t want to go) but would give him a taste without having to stay overnight with a good reason to leave as he already has a team commitment.

If he enjoys it - great.
If he doesn’t enjoy it it’s only a day and he gets to be right - and be very pleased that he isn’t there any longer.

It’s worth thinking about as an option and - if the right activities are on the Friday - it would maybe be a good halfway solution that would worth considering.

My ds also plays for teams on Saturdays and sundays so he would be really upset if he had to miss them - surely the school must realise that some people have weekend commitments and are not in a position to go away even for free to a trip like this.

InfiniteCurve · 19/07/2019 20:46

It seems ironic that one argument for this trip is " that in life we have to do things we don't want to do...." Like,perhaps school? And exams?
It sounds odd to me.This is a class which has presumably been together since Yr 7 - why do they need to bond now?
For some people in some situations pushing on through and moving out of their comfort zone will be best and the right thing for them.Fir others the important lesson may be learning they can say "no,I don't want to do that"
Hopefully OPs DS has made the right decision for him.

Rachelover40 · 19/07/2019 21:05

Don't force him to go, please. Just say you have made other arrangements. He won't be the only absentee.

HiJenny35 · 19/07/2019 21:29

I hate the "you should make him go it's good for him" shit. We do t make adults do things they hate, of course you shouldn't make him go, he doesn't like these sorts of things and let's be honest very little will be covered in terms of gcse knowledge. Absolutely the same as forcing an adult to do things they don't want to and we wouldn't say that was ok.

isadoradancing123 · 19/07/2019 22:09

If he doesnt like this type of activity i would not make him go

TomHagenMakesMyBosomTremble · 19/07/2019 22:11

I wouldn't make him go. He's old enough to have his own interests and preferences - and he's clearly expressed them. If he felt like he wanted to try, he'd have asked to go. I also view out of school/work time as off limits and I'd resent the intrusion in this instance, due to the way the school are leaning on him. I wanted to get away from half my class by then, not be forced to bond!

I also doubt how much use it'll be at this point, especially if his study habits are already decent and he's on track. You've got a cast iron excuse in his sport, too. Tell the school that he has a prior commitment which you expect him to honour.

I'm sure he'll survive without this session. I went to boarding school for A-Level. Our house mistress insisted we go to a worthy lecture through prep time. I refused to go, on the grounds that the day pupils couldn't be forced, I wasn't interested in the topic and it wasn't going to add anything to my particular A-levels, except obliging me to stay up very late to keep up with prep. Despite threats and disapproval from my house mistress, I remained a school prefect and house prefect, got straight As and the sky didn't fall in. No one cared, except for her and I stilI don't give a tinkers toss about polar exploration.

Nanny0gg · 19/07/2019 23:10

How exactly will this be of benefit to his revision/exam success?

Walkaround · 19/07/2019 23:18

Nanny0gg - I guess the only way of finding out is by turning up... The school is funding it for everyone, so they must have convinced themselves of its value!

Walkaround · 19/07/2019 23:19

Mind you, I find "bootcamp" and odious term, personally.

Nanny0gg · 19/07/2019 23:22

Doesn't make them right.

See the thread where the teacher has to shake her pupils' hands as they come into the classroom...

Schools are good at having cockamamie ideas.

Walkaround · 19/07/2019 23:25

Nanny0gg - not aaying school is right or wrong, I'm merely pointing out tou won't know what the value of it is if you can't be arsed to go.

annikin · 19/07/2019 23:28

No, if it was essential to GCSE's it would be during school time, I think. He doesn't want to go, and has another commitment.

Dandelion1993 · 19/07/2019 23:30

Send him.

It's all good for mental health. The physical activity and fresh air between revision will actually help retain the information and prevent them from "binge revision"

It's also a good way for staff to get them in a different environment where they maybe more open to discussing issues with coursework, what topics they're struggling with, overall mental health.

It will also be good for ide tidying any issues between the kids. Even in Yr 11 bullying happens and it can damage exam results and it may help tjmw identify issues.

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