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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For not making DS go on this trip?

179 replies

Juicyfrooty · 19/07/2019 13:48

DS is now approaching the end of year 10. The school is planning a 'gcse bootcamp' trip for all year 11 pupils at the start of term. The trip involves an overnight stay at an outdoor activity centre, revision sessions and team building activities and adventure courses.

DS does not want to go, he went on this kind of trip in primary school and hated it, he also has a game for a sport he plays on the Saturday morning (the trip is overnight on the friday) that he doesn't want to miss.

The school have called me and said the trip is very important for GCSE preparation and he should be attending.

I'm finding it hard to see just how much essential GCSE prep can be done in a less than 24 hour trip and am thinking if he doesn't want to go then it's no big deal.

OP posts:

thenightsky · 19/07/2019 23:31

He cannot go as he has a prior commitment on the Saturday morning. It would be VERY rude to drop that for something else.

jessicawessica · 19/07/2019 23:35

YANBU Op. Don't force him to go on some shite team building crap (pointless).
Agree that schools do seem to have some "cockamamie" ideas these days.
Surely teachers would rather concentrate on actual schoolwork instead of wasting their, and students time, on these things.

Tillygetsit · 19/07/2019 23:36

How is he supposed to revise if he feels trapped,resentful and forced into activities he hates? No way would I send my child if they really didnt want to go. He's old enough to know his own mind.

ChopinIn10Minuets · 19/07/2019 23:42

Surely you could get fresh air and physical activity by, I dunno, walking to the shops, or taking part in the sport that clashes with this trip?

Mumtolittletorchers · 19/07/2019 23:42

I wouldn't send him explain to the teachers that it's giving him anxiety it will effect his attitude towards the exams.

Leeds2 · 19/07/2019 23:45

If it were my DC then yes, I think I would "make" them go if their only objection was having not liked something perceived to be similar that they had done in primary school and/or anxiety. If the issue was bullying - which I don't think is the case here - my answer would probably be different.
Personally, I hate these team building sort of events, and I doubt that the revision sessions will have any impact whatsoever on his eventual GCSE grades, but I guess my fear would be that he will subsequently feel "left out," and/or maybe unable to understand when teachers make references to, say, methods of study discussed on the trip (rather than actual facts, iyswim) etc.
But, he is 15 years old and wants to miss the trip. He has presumably been told at school the benefits of going, and if he doesn't want to access such benefits then that is entirely up to him. If I was a teacher giving up my free time for this, I probably wouldn't want an unwilling participant there either.

Xmasbaby11 · 19/07/2019 23:46

I wouldn't send him. If you don't like That kind of thing and it makes you anxious, it won't be good for you. It's not an essential life skill for most people. I've never had to go on this kind if trip as an adult and I'm 43.

AleFailTrail · 19/07/2019 23:49

I still have the burn scars on my shoulder and the back of my neck from one of these ‘bonding’ exercises. The school though it was a good idea to put me, the bookish want to learn type, in a room with two of my bullies. Who proceeded to scorch the back of my neck with a deodorant flame thrower. Then later on one stubbed a cigarette on my shoulder when I was asleep. They both got 3 day school suspensions. I’ve had scars for over 10 years

ReanimatedSGB · 20/07/2019 01:24

Ah, the 'going out of your comfort zone' thing. It's actually far more useful to develop the ability to tell other people (politely and not in so many words) to fuck off when they start spouting this sort of nonsense in an attempt to persuade you to do something you find both pointless and distasteful. As a PP said, sitting your GCSEs is not a team activity anyway. Of course, some kids would thoroughly enjoy a trip like this, and good luck to them, but the only actual benefit of these trips is that they are fun for the kids who like that sort of thing. And, of course, profitable to the people who supply them.

Most importantly of all, your DS already has something better to do. By refusing the trip to participate in his sport, he is demonstrating commitment and, in fact, a team-player attitude. How would it benefit him to learn that you should let your friends down when Authority says so?

Oliversmumsarmy · 20/07/2019 01:42

Is the only reason the school want him to go is because they don’t know what to do with him in school if he doesn’t go.

I definitely wouldn’t send him.

What has abseiling and team building got to do with revising for your GCSEs?

I have been on one of those team building things when I worked. I just got very wet and soggy and cold and stood around as the mouthy ones ordered people around

The next time I decided they could fire me for not being part of the team.

tigerlily111 · 20/07/2019 02:10

Don't send him.

GnomeDePlume · 20/07/2019 02:56

What has abseiling and team building got to do with revising for your GCSEs?

Perhaps they have relocated the exam hall to half way down a cliff?

Purpleartichoke · 20/07/2019 03:59

Have him do a couple of hours of study at home and let him skip it. Sounds awful and he is old enough to make that call for himself.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 20/07/2019 08:51

Not all kids feel left out by not taking part in an activity,especially one they don't enjoy and don't want to be part of it. It's mostly parents that push this fear of missing out.

Not all kids enjoy "bonding" ,spending a lot of time surrounded by other people and doing "thrilling " activities.

He doesn't want to go. He doesn't like the activities. He has a prior commitment. All good reasons to skip a non compulsory activity.

As an adult I do many things I don't want to do mainly because they involve necessary things like cooking,cleaning,working..not fucking abseiling.

On so many threads people laugh and have a bad opinion on people pleasers ,people that can't say no etc. Maybe they're like that because they were forced in doing shit they didn't want to do and weren't allowed to say no as children.

AvengerDanvers95 · 20/07/2019 09:02

YourSarcasmIsDripping i think that's an excellent point re. people pleasing.

Nanny0gg · 20/07/2019 10:28

How many people come on here complaining of their workplace forcing 'team building' events on them?

BTW I managed my O-levels just fine without any of this.

@GnomeDePlume

BigSandyBalls2015 · 20/07/2019 10:33

It should absolutely be his decision at this age. And as for ‘make him go’ I’d be really interested how this would work in reality!!

yomellamoHelly · 20/07/2019 10:37

Our school did this really late in the year for selected year 11s. It didn't magically turn any of them into more mature, much harder-working types and they certainly didn't appreciate the motivational chats. So overall I consider it a huge waste of money in what is a very cash-strapped school.
I assume you know your son best and what will get him to put in his best performance come exam time, so I'd follow that.

TimeForDinnerDinnerDinner · 20/07/2019 10:42

YANBU OP so don't send him.
You've got at least two excellent reasons not to:

he hates outdoor pursuits
he has a prior commitment for the weekend of the school event

Each of these reasons should stand up on their own.

Forcing him to go against his wishes will demotivate him, and could do long term damage for his anxiety, and his studies, which could ultimately affect his future prospects.

Frankly I'm disgusted that school is pushing this so hard, and I'm surprised that so many on here are all for doing what the school wants.

You're right to listen to your gut OP. Don't send him.

overnightangel · 20/07/2019 10:46

Sounds pointless and shit, if he doesn’t want to go and he’s going to miss something on the Saturday don’t force him to.
It’ll make fuck all difference to his GCSE grades, I doubt abseiling is going to help his understanding of the periodic table or that kayaking will improve his chances of solving simultaneous equations.
Sounds like a load of poncey shite.
Let him do his activity on Saturday morning and spend the afternoon revising, win win.

JamesBlonde1 · 20/07/2019 10:47

FFS send him. Preparation for life. Doing what you don't want to do. What's he going to do when he has a job and they tell him to do something he doesn't want to do?

I assume all his friends have to go too. They'll be sucking it up too.

Stop pandering to him.

GabriellaMontez · 20/07/2019 10:49

I wouldn't make him go. It's inconvenient for the school when people start questioning and backing out of stuff like this.

overnightangel · 20/07/2019 10:51

@JamesBlonde1

buttertoasty · 20/07/2019 10:51

Don't send him. I despised this sort of thing when I was his age and it's not a case of get on with it and you'll feel better when you are there etc.

SaraNade · 20/07/2019 10:53

I don't agree with those who say you have to do things in life you don't want to do. We are talking about abseiling and rope activities. That is not going to help him with an English or Maths question on an exam. It is an example of something one shouldn't have to do. And I don't agree with those who say it will be good for him. As an introvert, I had to do a lot of this stuff, and it did absolutely nothing for me but make me dread it and count the seconds til it was over. Nothing good can come from forcing someone who is introverted to do these things. It only has a detrimental affect. I am surprised that in 2019, people still haven't realised that is detrimental, not beneficial.

The school is wasting his time when he could be studying. And I agree with Cakemadeoffruit. What greater example of teamwork is a sports team? So the school wants to teach him about 'teamwork' while suggesting he abandon his teammates for some abseiling and playing ropes and shit? How does that even make any sense? It's contradictory.

Tell the school you want him to learn responsibility and teamwork, which is why you won't tell him to abandon his teammates who have all put in so much work together. That would be teaching him the wrong message. That might make them think.

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