For not making DS go on this trip?

[Juicyfrooty]

DS is now approaching the end of year 10. The school is planning a 'gcse bootcamp' trip for all year 11 pupils at the start of term. The trip involves an overnight stay at an outdoor activity centre, revision sessions and team building activities and adventure courses.

DS does not want to go, he went on this kind of trip in primary school and hated it, he also has a game for a sport he plays on the Saturday morning (the trip is overnight on the friday) that he doesn't want to miss.

The school have called me and said the trip is very important for GCSE preparation and he should be attending.

I'm finding it hard to see just how much essential GCSE prep can be done in a less than 24 hour trip and am thinking if he doesn't want to go then it's no big deal.

Tbh, Juicyfrooty, I think not wanting to go simply because you didn't like something at primary school is really pathetic. I suspect there are deeper reasons behind this for his reticence which complete strangers on the internet know nothing about, though, so how can you possibly expect anyone to provide helpful comments?! If it is purely because he thinks it will be naff and he can't be arsed, then I wouldn't let him get away with opting out. If it's because he has never really been expected to go out of his comfort zone, then that's a long term mistake on everyone's part. If he has an anxiety disorder, then professional advice would be useful. If it's because he is a target for bullies, then the school needs to know.

Whereas it sounds like great fun for a lot of the dc, I can't really see how this is vital GCSE preparation.
As others have suggested, I would say he unfortunately isn't able to come as he is committed already on the Saturday morning. Don't get into say 'he doesn't want to'.

I think if the school is willing I'd ask them to provide the materials that they will be using for the GCSE relevant parts of this event so that your son doesn't miss out.

Is it a private school by any chance? I went to boarding school which had day pupils and they were very keen on having things on Saturdays because it gave the boarders something to do partly was supposed to stop us getting up to mischief. Until the day pupils' parents rightly pointed out that it was eating into their private time and it was stopped. (we still had 3 bloody hours of enforced study time though which I'm really not bitter about at all )

It's really hard but I would encourage him to go otherwise every time a new challenge comes up he will just say no. He will probably feel proud of himself if he does it.

There are so many things in the future that will require him to do things that he doesn't feel comfortable with such as interviews, moving in with people he doesn't know at uni or when he leaves home, training in new jobs that may require this type of experience. If he doesn't do this small challenge, how will he cope with other bigger things later on?

My youngest had a horrible experience on a residential at Primary, but I have encouraged him to go on sleepovers and take part in trips since. He is a year on from it now and is much better than he was (though still some way to go). I have actually taken him to a hypnotherapist (more about relaxation techniques) too which helped.

Fecking hell, this sounds like some nightmare idea that some "20 year old-ish straight from uni into HR" would dream up for the workplace, never mind a school!

As an adult I can barely manage a day of "team building" crap before some of us start making Origami knives so we can fight our way out.

Just no OP, GSCE prep should be done in SCHOOL time, not children's "down time".

Its bad enough the pressure on children these days regarding exams but to make them miss a weekend to "rock climb and learn revising techniques" is NOT on.

And whoever told the OP "he's a big boy now", I hope you get a boil on your fanny flaps/ ball sack.

If he doesn't do this small challenge, how will he cope with other bigger things later on?

Perfectly fine I imagine. Why on earth would not wanting to suffer through some bloody awful team building event that'll make him utterly miserable mean that he won't be able to get through University or an interview?

I wouldn't send him. I'm not sure how outdoor activities and team building etc helps him do exams that he sits and completes himself.

I'd just get him to do a revision session at home on the Friday night and go to his sport on the Saturday. No point making kids anxious at an already nerve wracking time IMO

I can see the sense I team building in the first year of high school, but year 10? Pointless.

I wouldn’t send him.

Then I’m sure he can suck it up, he’s a big boy now.
He’s also a big boy now and can make his own decisions about whether or not to go on a non mandatory trip.

*Walkaround

Tbh, Juicyfrooty, I think not wanting to go simply because you didn't like something at primary school is really pathetic. I suspect there are deeper reasons behind this for his reticence which complete strangers on the internet know nothing about, though, so how can you possibly expect anyone to provide helpful comments?!*

Could u not say the same about most threads on here? I've actually found lots of the replies very helpful.

We've held those trips.

They've been very helpful - the kids behaved far better and were more attentive in the revision sessions (and couldn't 'forget' to turn up like the ones that needed the sessions most usually did when staff were giving up their holidays and weekends - unpaid - to provide them).

These are 15 year olds, not 10 and 11 year olds - the stuff they do is very different.

Juicyfrooty - yes, I could say the same about an awful lot of the threads on here. And of course you have found it personally "helpful" to find reinforcement of your views from people entirely ignorant of the facts. It's lovely for everyone to pretend to themselves that lots of people agree with them when the reality is they have exceptionally little idea about exactly what they are agreeing with. Lovely and of any genuine use are two different things.

I haven’t read the thread, but for the first few comments, so apologies if I am just repeating what’s previously been said.

Ordinarily I’d say don’t make him go, it’s not essential.

But, I actually have a different opinion here, for various reasons. Most importantly because it’s really important with anxiety to not play into it too much and give the person ‘permission’ to bow out of something that they don’t actually need to fear. It’s the hardest thing to do as a parent but it’s really important if you want him to be well equipped for life and to help him to develop tools for taking on challenging situations that make him feel anxious. In life and work we who suffer with anxiety have to do this constantly. Any opportunity for growth and development should really be encouraged, rather than allowing it to become another affirmation of the anxiety. Anxiety lies to us - your job is to help him be okay with challenging that lie.

It’s not a week-long trip. It’s one night away. He’s also not a young child anymore, he’s a different person now, with more capability and a different set of skills. He might worry that he’ll feel as awful this time as he did last time, but he may not, in fact it’s very likely that he won’t. Anytime he has a chance to learn the principle, X scares me but I’m going to cope with this feeling and push through it, and then, fingers crossed, afterwards thinking actually, X wasn’t as bad as I thought and I got through it and even managed to have an okay time is a very valuable opportunity for him. IMO it’s wrong to rob him of that chance to make progress.

Personally I have to make myself do things all time that really make me feel quite anxious and even frightened sometimes. The only other alternative would be to give in to my anxious side, severely limit my life and pretty much bow out of actually living. I’m not willing to do that.

I employ the same general perspective in dealing with my daughter who suffers from the same tendency to anxiety.

Ok well on reading further I see that you have decided he’s not going.

As parents we can only go with our gut - at the end of the day that’s more likely to be right than not.

Don't make him go if he doesn't want to. I did this sort of thing (for five days) when I was 15.

I'd never done any team building/outward bounds stuff before, and I hated every minute of it, I just felt so embarrassed all the time as I found all the activities difficult, felt like I was letting the team down, plus I was put in a group with kids who made fun of me- such as when I was terrified climbing up somewhere, fell off and landed flat on my back and really hurt myself. It knocked my confidence and affected me adversely for Y10 and Y11.

I wouldn't make him go.

ninkaninus thanks for your reply I do totally agree with what you say, i suffer with anxiety too so everything you say is very familiar for me. But I dont let him back out of every uncomfortable situation, he has been on other residential trips since, I just think on this occasion I should listen to him, especially since it would mean missing doing something he loves.

Nice that you can give an opinion without being patronising and calling ds pathetic like some other posters.

Sounds like your mind is / was already made up.
Personally I would send my child. The school have recommended it and I think social activities & class bonding at the beginning of a challenging and important two years sounds great. Better to be included as part of the class if they're all going, as residential trips strengthen friendships/ bonds, rather than leave yourself out.

Good grief I would have hated this! I wouldn't make him go, sounds like utter bollocks to be frank.

If they haven't bonded by Y11, they never will. Personally, by then I was looking forward to never seeing some of the kids again, not bonding with them.

Personally I have to make myself do things all time that really make me feel quite anxious and even frightened sometimes

I do - up to a point. I go outside my comfort zone, but sometimes things are too far outside my comfort zone. I'm frightened of heights but as an adult I've climbed several Munros with DH - always the easiest route though, and no narrow ridges or steep downhill sections. Because I'd actually freeze and need rescuing. Pushing yourself beyond your limits is counterproductive.

'There are so many things in the future that will require him to do things that he doesn't feel comfortable with such as interviews, moving in with people he doesn't know at uni or when he leaves home, training in new jobs that may require this type of experience. If he doesn't do this small challenge, how will he cope with other bigger things later on?'

Not all experiences 'out of your comfort zone' are created equal, however. Taking exams and going to job interviews are things I can cope with fairly calmly, if needs must. Having to go rock climbing, even in a fairly well-supervised context, would, however. be my absolute worst nightmare! On the other hand, I know someone who loves rock climbing but finds social situations very stressful. The OP's son evidently doesn't have a problem with all team sports even; just with the particular group activities being presented. If this activity was something that clearly prepared people for exams, even if he were anxous about it, I might feel differently; but this just seems to be someone's not very well tested bright idea.

Given I assume you are paying for this trip, I am inclined to agree with you.

If the revision is important it should be available to all, not tacked into a jolly. Not every parent will be able to afford it regardless of whether their child wants to attend or not.

I do understand the appeal of providing a fun environment in which to revise, but everyone does this differently and if it's more likely to hinder your son and make him anxious about something he is this far I concerned about, I don't see the point in opening this Pandora's box by forcing attendance.

If you force attendance, yes, he may enjoy himself. But he also might resent being there and therefore negate any benefit of concentrated revision.

Personally I feel this is a gimmick to try and boost low assessment rates. If the pupils aren't learning sufficiently in class and with homework, then imo the teachers aren't doing their job effectively.

Even if he didn’t have a team game he needs to attend, why should he give up a Friday/Saturday on a non school day? If it’s so crucial, do it during the week. Preferably without the abseiling.

You’re absolutely right on not pushing oneself beyond one’s limits.

OP you’ve given it a great deal of thought I’m sure, and knowing that you suffer with anxiety too I’m sure that your insight into how to manage it with your son is absolutely correct.