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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not give this child a lift?

804 replies

ByeByeBike · 19/07/2019 09:40

My DC do a sporting activity in the next town over on a Sunday morning. One of my ds' classmates wanted to go along too but his mum doesn't drive. So for the past 6 months we've been ferrying him to and from the sports club.

This Sunday is the last week of it before the summer break and they have their big club presentation/awards ceremony which all the kids really look forward to.

However, this week we're driving there and then heading straight off from there on our holiday. I explained to the DC's mum that we wouldn't be able to give a lift this week as we're not driving back to hometown after the awards.

Apparently her ds is heartbroken he can't come to the final day and will miss the awards ceremony. She is begging us to please give him a lift there and then either drop him back home (would be a 40 minute detour for us) or drop him at his grans house (would add 20 minutes onto our journey).

I know that if we go for his grans house then it's only a tiny delay towards our holiday but I just really had it set in my mind that we would just head straight from the activity to our holiday, we have quite a long car journey to get there and could do without our DC being cooped up in the car for any extra time.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 20/07/2019 07:41

If she’s got no room in the car then there’s no discussion. Sorted.

Unfinishedkitchen · 20/07/2019 08:06

This is why I no longer get involved in regular arrangements with other parents. I only help out in emergencies now as it’s amazing how brazen some people are at taking the piss.

I once had a ‘reciprocal’ agreement with another family which started off 50/50 and quickly became 90/10 in their favour. I was working more hours then them and the excuses as to why they couldn’t cover their end of the bargain that week piled up. I gave them two warnings that the agreement wasn’t working and they continued relying on me for free after school childcare whilst hardly ever having my DC so I just gave 2 weeks notice and stopped. They suddenly managed to find the time to pick up and feed their own DC and paid for the days they couldn’t.

I also had an agreement with another parent when she was working. Then she became SAHM and one day gave me 2hrs notice that she wasn’t picking up DC anymore as she had an appointment and wanted more flexibility as she no longer needed the agreement. DH had to rush home to pick up DC. She recently got another job and tried to reinstate the agreement but I politely told her to jog on.

DH and I now always try to do it ourselves or pay for someone else to do it if we can’t. If we can’t find someone to pay to help DC do activities, DC don’t do them.

SagAloojah · 20/07/2019 09:00

@BertrandRussell that's almost like thread policing. There is still a discussion.

Isatis · 20/07/2019 09:38

Right, so the family can easily afford to pay for a taxi back home or to gran's house. Problem solved.

FilthyforFirth · 20/07/2019 10:11

Oh and the kindness breeeds kindness quote, couldnt agree more. The OP has been kind, the right response from the boys mum should have been a kind 'no problem, thanks for all you've done so far', which in turn fosters more kindness from the OP. 'Happy to carry on next term' etc.

Why is the kindness soley on the OPs shoulders?

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/07/2019 10:31

Good decision, hope you have a wonderful holiday! Smile

LannieDuck · 20/07/2019 11:06

the mum doesn't drive

Apols if I've missed it (I have read the thread, but over a few days so can't remember it all) - is the Dad in the picture? Does he drive?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/07/2019 13:22

Sensible decision, OP - kind as you've always been, but with boundaries

And I hope you all have a really lovely holiday Flowers

numberoneson · 20/07/2019 17:25

I'd take him - admittedly with a tad of an ill grace, but it would spoil my holiday if I started it off feeling selfish, and it's only a choice of 20 or 40 minutes extra.

Janem50 · 20/07/2019 17:27

Taxis are normal tariff unless it’s a BH

KEF411 · 20/07/2019 17:29

How will he get home from his grandmother's house?

Turner2017 · 20/07/2019 17:38

Can the mum fit in your car as well and then they make their own way back?

Badcat666 · 20/07/2019 17:47

@numberoneson

Have you bothered to read the whole thread??

OP has been giving free lifts for 6 months.

The Mother doesn't drive but can afford holidays/ days out/ etc etc etc so is not poor but decides to guilt trip the OP instead of saying thank you and then sorting out her own offsprings travel arrangements for the day.

Plus the OPs car will be full of camping gear, has no idea that it will only be 20 mins or if the gran WILL be at home as the OP doesn't know the gran. And they have a 2hr 30min car journey without any extras being added

So the OP has never been selfish but yay to go with the passive aggressiveness "spoil my holiday if I started it off feeling selfish" comment.

go you!

Raybay · 20/07/2019 17:48

Yanbu. If it were me, I'd feel really resentful at putting myself out to suit her. Do you know if the child is actually heartbroken? It could be the mother enjoys her couple of hours without her child doing whatever the heck she likes. I wouldn't book my child into a club that I or husband couldn't get them to every time. If it means they miss out that's tough, that's life. Yes a taxi costs money but so does running a car. Not to mention the time you spend hanging around at the activity yourself. Even if the taxi costs her 60 quid, if you want your child there, you pay it, if not, don't sign them up. CF has had 6 months of free transport.

dustarr73 · 20/07/2019 17:49

How will he get home from his grandmother's house?

Thats not the ops concern.

Can the mum fit in your car as well and then they make their own way back?

Theres no room,which you would know if you read the full thread.

ScreamingLadySutch · 20/07/2019 17:50

She needs to get a life and

  1. step up for her children
  2. learn to drive
  3. book an uber for this short term problem

and stop being so dependent. YANBU.

Antonin · 20/07/2019 17:51

@Turner2017 RTFT

ScreamingLadySutch · 20/07/2019 17:52

There are far too many immature people in this world who try and get other people to function for them.

GROW UP and stop trying to get something for nothing.

True healthy mature relationships are about RECIPROCATION.

Toooldfornonsense · 20/07/2019 17:54

Give the child a lift back to the grandparents and then not bother again. Surely that’s simple enough?

exaltedwombat · 20/07/2019 17:54

"...but I just really had it set in my mind that we would just head straight from the activity to our holiday..."

And there we have the nub of the problem. You set your mind one way, the other mum set hers another. Now TALK to her and sort out something that will work.

Lou12124 · 20/07/2019 17:54

It's not your problem at all. It's the mothers fault her child is heartbroken because she is not finding an alternative. What it you couldnt make the ceremony yourself? The child would still be heartbroken. Sounds harsh but the Child isn't your problem.
I would just say sorry but there isn't going to be room in the car anyway as it is packed up for holiday. Can you not get his gran to pick him up or pay a taxi? (Whether it's expensive or not again is not your problem)

You have been more than kind enough to give the Child a lift each week....one day shouldn't be held against you and you shouldn't feel bad.

Ellisandra · 20/07/2019 17:55

@Turner2017 genuine interest - why do people post stuff like that on page 24? Grin

Badcat666 · 20/07/2019 17:57

@Turner2017

Please read the whole thread.

No, they have 5 seats in the OPs car.

OPs family is 4 and the boy is 1 so = 5 (on a normal weekend drive to group)

But this weekend the OP is going with a car FULL OF CAMPING GEAR!!

The mother has never bothered to find her own way there.
The family is not poor.
OP has suggested the mum contact the facebook page of the group to see if anyone can give the boy a lift

So no, she can't give the mother and child a lift unless you suggest the OP leaves her family behind and goes camping without her family members JUST so she can give the child and mother a lift. no?

Also the OP has decided [after talking with her husband] that they will not detour to "grannies" and will go on their hols straight from the ceremony due to the very long drive with her 2 children.

Turner2017 · 20/07/2019 17:58

Oooooh

FrancisCrawford · 20/07/2019 18:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.