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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not give this child a lift?

804 replies

ByeByeBike · 19/07/2019 09:40

My DC do a sporting activity in the next town over on a Sunday morning. One of my ds' classmates wanted to go along too but his mum doesn't drive. So for the past 6 months we've been ferrying him to and from the sports club.

This Sunday is the last week of it before the summer break and they have their big club presentation/awards ceremony which all the kids really look forward to.

However, this week we're driving there and then heading straight off from there on our holiday. I explained to the DC's mum that we wouldn't be able to give a lift this week as we're not driving back to hometown after the awards.

Apparently her ds is heartbroken he can't come to the final day and will miss the awards ceremony. She is begging us to please give him a lift there and then either drop him back home (would be a 40 minute detour for us) or drop him at his grans house (would add 20 minutes onto our journey).

I know that if we go for his grans house then it's only a tiny delay towards our holiday but I just really had it set in my mind that we would just head straight from the activity to our holiday, we have quite a long car journey to get there and could do without our DC being cooped up in the car for any extra time.

OP posts:
QuckTheDuck · 19/07/2019 14:18

It isn't just rurally. We live less than half an hour from London in the home counties, in a town with around 35K people... and we have no Sunday bus service!

Anyway, I would take there and ask her to. arrange for Gran to collect him.

SilverySurfer · 19/07/2019 14:20

FossiPajuZeka
The child has no business being "heartbroken" about it. Nobody is entitled to favours and if the parents haven't been impressing upon the child that he is lucky to have the access to the activity that he does, and that you have no obligation to him, then that's a shortfall in parenting.*

Wow, you're all heart aren't you. It's not his fault. I assume you've had an empathy bypass?

You have been taking him for six months and as you say, this has cost you nothing as you were taking your own DC anyway but it was kind of you.

I think it would be kind to take him to this last, special event. Ask the DM if the GM is able to collect, if not, I would do the 20 minute journey if you feel you are able.

Sherry19 · 19/07/2019 14:21

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

HeadintheiClouds · 19/07/2019 14:21

The mother has no business trying to guilt the op about the boy being heartbroken, certainly, but the kid himself is only 10...

Lweji · 19/07/2019 14:23

The mother has no business trying to guilt the op about the boy being heartbroken, certainly, but the kid himself is only 10...

This.

Ellisandra · 19/07/2019 14:25

Of course you have no obligation.
Of course if your child was sick, or you were, or you had a flat tyre, she’d get zero notice. Literally - unpack your bag, we’re not coming.
But that isn’t the situation here.

I think 3 days notice, and it being a special day, means it’s a bit harsh on the other family.

Fine to say it’s going to be a PITA for you and can she make other arrangements, but 3 days limits her options to sort out an alternative.

If I were her, I’d be asking whatever grandparent it is he could go to after, to come and collect him.

It doesn’t sound like she’s thrown a fit about it - she’s already come up with the grandparent option.

For the sake of 20 minutes added, I would do that. I wouldn’t see 20 minutes as make or break for your own children’s long car journey.

You don’t owe her, but she’s not the CF some people seem to think - you have done the lifts willingly, you turned down petrol money. This is a special day and whilst I think it’s fine to ask her to sort something out, I think the short notice means it’s pretty unkind to just withdraw this week’s lift.

I mean, not crime of the century... but it is unfair.

ReanimatedSGB · 19/07/2019 14:26

Three days' notice isn't much if you are too skint to afford a taxi and you had had no idea at all that the person who has been cheerfully driving your DC there and back for six months with a breezy 'Makes no difference to have one more in the car' attitude is going to pull out for the day of the big award-giving. I'm not surprised her DC is upset.
And maybe she doesn't drive because she has either something like epilepsy or a MH issue that she hasn't wanted to share with OP. Not everyone likes to play the poor-me card even when they are getting a favour.

VeThings · 19/07/2019 14:26

There’s loads of ways for her to deal with this that don’t involve you.

Stay overnight at grans and get taxis both ways or a lift from someone else
Get lift from another parent who goes to same club
Gran could get a taxi o drive to collect him
His dad could take time off work to see him at presentation (especially if it’s so important to the child)

I need all the space I can get in the car when I go camping, I wouldn’t be able to deal with an extra body. Th middle bit of the back seat has bags or the tent (strapped in)

Lweji · 19/07/2019 14:26

Agree that 2.5 hr car trip is fine

Doubt it. I'm not surprised if the children are a nightmare by the end if the parents don't plan even a short break for such a trip.

SootySueandSweeptoo · 19/07/2019 14:27

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

NoIsACompleteAnswerSometimes · 19/07/2019 14:27

Reminds me of a similar thing years ago. I would take my girls and friends to events, other parents brought them home, lovely. One of their friends lived in the opposite direction but both parents worked funny hours, still no problem, happy to help, I'd collect her, other parents (not hers) would collect and drop off. However..... when one time the other parent (the one in the opposite direction) said he was taking his daughter, I, and the other girl's parent, asked if he could collect ours, as we'd done it a lot and he had to pass the end of our road to get to the event. He said no because(good excuse coming!) he'd have the dog on the backseat and couldn't/ wouldn't do it, as he didn't want to leave the dog at home for 15 minutes!
I was bloody livid, as was the other lift giving parent, so next time I was asked I said no. My daughter was very upset as her friend was upset that she couldn't go, tough, not my problem.
People take the piss if you let them.

GrabbyGertie · 19/07/2019 14:29

I wouldn’t offer a lift as I’d want to have everything just so for the drive. I’d also want to get in with the drive.

CathyorClaire · 19/07/2019 14:29

You are eminently reasonable, OP. She is a CF who can find the taxi fare from the savings on the petrol money she hasn't been paying. Don't let her guilt trip you out of your plans.

SagAloojah · 19/07/2019 14:33

@BertrandRussell I think a regular lift commitment is definitely a load. OP and her family always have to factor in the child. They need to be on time, they need to arrange any plans on Sunday around dropping the child home (e.g. they can’t decide to go out straight after the activity because they have to take the child gone).

After 6 months of benefiting from this, the parents of the child should not be emotionally blackmailing OP to do something that doesn’t suit her plans.

Lunablue765 · 19/07/2019 14:34

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all you've kindly taken the child for the last six months. You shouldn't have to plan your life around other people I think this parent has become to used to you doing it for them. Stay firm you are unable to take the child this once and the parent should take them via taxi bus or family member. I also agree adding extra time to a journey is never great my youngest does not cope being in a car for long periods we have to stop every 1.5 hours for a rest and leg stretch otherwise she gets very upset.

ChristmasFluff · 19/07/2019 14:35

I'm astonished at all the people telling OP to go out of her way to accommodate this mother's failing. She knew she was getting a good deal out of the OP, and is now being a CF.

I also don't see how it is somehow more kind to the child give him a lift to this one occasion, and then say you won't be giving lifts at all next year. That actually comes off as passive aggressive - which is often what happens when you allow an overstepping of boundaries - you then go on a rebound over-enforcement of them.

I know what it is like to have no cash to spare for this sort of stuff - but you either save up for it, or you downplay it. You don't teach your children to be 'heartbroken' about things that cost too much money. Yes, it's a tough lesson, but it is one that children understand, and they do cope with it, providing you are giving them love and stability.

Go straight off on your holiday, OP - and don't be packing your bags for a guilt trip!

YoThePussy · 19/07/2019 14:37

OP, there is another solution of course. You do not pack the car with your camping equipment. You take your child and little friend to the sporting awards. You then, after the awards drive dear little friend home to his entitled mummy and return to your by now apoplectic DH and have to then pack the car with all your gear. Several hours later than planned you set off and arrive at your destination so knackered and stressed out you spend the entire holidays clutching a series of ever emptying gin bottles.

What does this mother not understand about your car being full of your holiday things and there being no room for her DC. Does she think you can tie him to the roof rack?

RowingMermaid · 19/07/2019 14:39

YANBU.

But if you decide to give this boy a lift it does mean that you may limit what you take with you on your camping holiday as that space you had for your camping trip is now taken up by a person.

My sister camps every year several times a year and their car is always stuffed full, including stuff on the back seat.

Yes taxis are expensive, the mother should just swallow the cost if her child wants to attend and she wants him to. When you choose not to drive you have to plan for these things.

SarahTancredi · 19/07/2019 14:39

It doesn’t sound like she’s thrown a fit about it - she’s already come up with the grandparent option

Yes the grand parent option which still requires the op to have to take him Hmm

SootySueandSweeptoo · 19/07/2019 14:40

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

ChristmasFluff · 19/07/2019 14:44

Failing to plan for the event and/or failing to teach her child that sometimes we want to do things we don't have the money for, and that's ok, we'll live, and there will be other times, and mummy will save up for next year.

Oh, and you'll notice I said nothing about the child, only the mother. In fact, I said that it would be unfair to do as others had suggested, and take him to this event, then drop him completely next year, in a 'that'll teach her' manner.

SarahTancredi · 19/07/2019 14:45

Ffs why did she sign him up for it then?

Who does that?

Who commits to stuff 100 percent reliant on everyone else?

IncandescentShadow · 19/07/2019 14:45

Sooty I would happily send this child 20 quid for a bloody taxi because it's nothing to me. It's bloody difficult for kids without access to transport to access hobbies and keep up with peers and 20 minutes is FA unless you are a selfish twat

The OP is fed up because she has done it for 6 months, and because the child's mother has an entitled attitude. 6 months is a long time and a lot of lifts. Its about as far from selfish as you can get.

sunglasses123 · 19/07/2019 14:46

I don't like the way some PP are trying to excuse the mother, she has MH issues she hasn't got any money, she might not have anyone to ask. And so it goes on. She lives rurally, she doesn't drive, she might/might not have spare money (although she has money to fund the activity). What has all of this to do with the OP who has been very generous over the last 6 months and laying a guilt trip on the OP because of their decision making is awful. How is she going to get her son from the Gran?

Some people just see their own selfish needs and I try and stay away from them

Those sorts of people are experts at making you feel this is your issue and YOU have made their child feel bad. They are effectively washing their hands of it.

BertrandRussell · 19/07/2019 14:46

said that it would be unfair to do as others had suggested, and take him to this event, then drop him completely next year, in a 'that'll teach her' manner.“

Yes- that would be utterly vile behaviour.