Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not give this child a lift?

804 replies

ByeByeBike · 19/07/2019 09:40

My DC do a sporting activity in the next town over on a Sunday morning. One of my ds' classmates wanted to go along too but his mum doesn't drive. So for the past 6 months we've been ferrying him to and from the sports club.

This Sunday is the last week of it before the summer break and they have their big club presentation/awards ceremony which all the kids really look forward to.

However, this week we're driving there and then heading straight off from there on our holiday. I explained to the DC's mum that we wouldn't be able to give a lift this week as we're not driving back to hometown after the awards.

Apparently her ds is heartbroken he can't come to the final day and will miss the awards ceremony. She is begging us to please give him a lift there and then either drop him back home (would be a 40 minute detour for us) or drop him at his grans house (would add 20 minutes onto our journey).

I know that if we go for his grans house then it's only a tiny delay towards our holiday but I just really had it set in my mind that we would just head straight from the activity to our holiday, we have quite a long car journey to get there and could do without our DC being cooped up in the car for any extra time.

OP posts:
CacenCrunch · 19/07/2019 13:23

Just say no. I bet they still manage to get him there and back, they are just trying to guilt trip you into doing it as it's easier for them. Very rude to ask again, when you have already said no

lalafafa · 19/07/2019 13:23

You’ve done enough. Surely she can make her own arrangements for this!

IncandescentShadow · 19/07/2019 13:23

Take the child but leave it to the mother to make arrangements for him for the return trip. Make it very clear to her in writing that this is what you are doing, because you are going on holiday (otherwise, next thing you know the CF user mother will put all over FB that you abandoned her child after giving him a lift to this event).

If no space in car, don't take him. Giving other peoples' children lifts is kind but shouldn't interfere with your holiday plans.

I hope the CF has been contributing to petrol all this time or at least has given you chocolates or similar as a thank you a few times?

Tigger001 · 19/07/2019 13:27

About a person who has been saving the costs of transporting her child once a week for six months.

That does not mean that they have money to pay for a cab.

Surely it just means that the OP has been kind hearted in facilitating the child to be able to do the activity, where had she not, the child may not have been able to do at all.

CCquavers · 19/07/2019 13:29

Just say no. you do not want to worrying about another thing before a holiday.

If she persists say 'Use the money you've saved not giving me petrol and use a taxi'.

Catquest1 · 19/07/2019 13:30

@Yabbers i would agree with you about the committment side if the OP had suddenly realised the night before and text the lads mum at 10pm to say she couldnt do it but it sounds like shes given a weeks notice which i dont think is too unreasonable - it doesnt sound like a total last minute kind of thing. There's still time for the other mum to look at other solutions - someone else might do it as a one off (rather than committing to a weekly lift)

CoraPirbright · 19/07/2019 13:30

I think you should take him and the Gran should pick him up. She must drive surely otherwise how was he going to get home from hers?

HeadintheiClouds · 19/07/2019 13:35

It doesn’t sound as if the activity is free (but op could clarify that?). Somebody financing a weekly activity for a full six months (including whatever equipment is involved) surely couldn’t be in a position where they’re unable to finance a taxi just once?
It’s possible, but unlikely.

LL83 · 19/07/2019 13:38

I would not take the extra child there or back. It is one week and you gave mum notice. She has caused child to be upset by not budgeting for taxi, making limited public transport work or sorting out an alternative lift.

I think it is very ungrateful to try and guilt trip you the one time you can't help her. It would put me off helping next year but I would still do it as not the childs fault.

cstaff · 19/07/2019 13:38

There was a similar thread where a man expected his team mates to collect and drop him off from training and football matches every week and his team mates started to ignore his messages on whatsapp and he was not impressed. He did not get much sympathy on here. (I think it was his wife / partner who was asking).

The only difference on here is that the OP is very obliging and can't do ONE trip. But because it is a child involved it seems to have changed a lot of people's perspective. The CF in this case is the child's mother and she just needs to make arrangements just once so her son doesn't miss his last day.

greenwaterbottle · 19/07/2019 13:38

Repeat to mum, happy to give him a lift but can't bring him home or elsewhere as we're off on holiday. We've been happy to bring him each week but you do need a plan b for if we can't accommodate.

Motoko · 19/07/2019 13:39

OP the vote says YANBU by a large majority, so problem solved. You won't have room in the car to take him there anyway.

His mother should have had a plan B in place for the times you couldn't give her son a lift. As she hasn't, it shows that she's taken this arrangement for granted. As she's been saving on the cost of taking him for 6 months, she should have put that money away, or at least a couple of quid, each week for times like this, if she couldn't afford a taxi.

What would she have done if instead of going on holiday, you were ill? Would she still be emotionally blackmailing you to take her "heartbroken" son? It's her job as a mother to manage her son's expectations.

And people telling you that you're being mean, are just as bad as the mother with the guilt tripping.

HeadintheiClouds · 19/07/2019 13:39

it’s nice to be nice, that’s a society I would like to live in
The society we live in is divided into givers and takers. For every “nice” person there’s another prepared to suck it all up and repay nothing.
Maybe it’s the mum’s turn to play nice?

LesLavandes · 19/07/2019 13:39

Difficult but I wouldn't want to disappoint the child. I would drive him to his Grandmother's home and after the holiday have a serious conversation with the mother.

Ellisandra · 19/07/2019 13:40

I don’t see anywhere that you say how much notice you gave that you couldn’t take him.

If you told her 2 weeks ago - YANBU.
If you told her today - YABU.

Even though you’re not obligated, I think for a special occasion where you have always given a lift, it would be unkind to cancel last minute.

I’d personally add the 20 minutes to my drive, but I don’t think it’s wrong not to.

Mitzimaybe · 19/07/2019 13:42

"My DS has been going to an activity on a Sunday for the last six months. His friend's DM has given him a lift there and back every week as I don't drive.

The next session is the end of the season and features an awards ceremony. DS is very excited to go. However, the friend's family are going away on holiday straight from the ceremony so she has told me she can't bring DS home this once.

I do have a partner and other family members who drive but they all want a lie-in on a Sunday morning, there isn't a bus on a Sunday and taxis are really expensive.

AIBU to say that she needs to bring him home as usual or at the very least drop him to his Gran's afterwards, even though this will inconvenience her whole family and extend their drive to their campsite by a minimum of 20 minutes? Otherwise DS will be really disappointed and it will be all her fault."

That poster would get short shrift on here. Responses along the lines of, you're lucky to have had the lifts for six months, it's a one off, sort something yourself

tanstaafl · 19/07/2019 13:46

With my “Team (CF) Mum” cap on ...

OP how about... take Mum and child to this event way early, come back for rest of family and camping gear, return to event, have event, chuck out camping gear, put Mum and child in the car, take them wherever they want, come back (eventually) , load car, set off.

If it rains at event ! put the tent up! Win win!

Anything less and frankly you need to give your head a wobble.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 19/07/2019 13:48

I think our younger DC might struggle with all this time in the car.

No idea how old your youngest is but we just managed to get from Aberdeenshire to Wiltshire and back again via North Wales and Lincoln with a 13 month old and a 4 year old. Wouldn't say it was particularly fun...playing I spy with a 4 year old is interesting but I wouldn't say 3 hours with stops is a particularly long journey.

I'd probably take him if there was room in the car and depending on how long you are camping for that's possibly a big if? Would be dropping at the Gran's though not home.

Original poster
ByeByeBike · 19/07/2019 13:50

@Ellisandra I text her about it yesterday. She found me on the school run today and explained how her son would be heartbroken to miss the club presentation. I explained that taking him and dropping him back home would add too much time onto our journey (we'd have to travel in the opposite direction of the campsite and then double back on ourselves). She then text me a bit later to say that we could take him there and then drop him at his grans who lives a bit closer to the activity. I've given her a few days notice - it's not like I cancelled on the day or the day before!

OP posts:
tanstaafl · 19/07/2019 13:51

And with my “Team ByeBye” cap on ...

Think it was @girlalone way back 10.15 who warned of the possibility that once there you’re informed that the Gran is unavailable for some reason and well, you know the rest. It’s a 80m round trip for you.

Do you know where the Gran lives , is it 20 mins?

JacquesHammer · 19/07/2019 13:54

I've given her a few days notice - it's not like I cancelled on the day or the day before!

To be fair 3 days notice isn’t masses of time!

ContactLight · 19/07/2019 13:54

"There is no room in the car. We are going on holiday and are going camping - the car is full, so we can't help with a lift this time"

Job done.

It is a shame that the kid is disappointed, but that's the way the cookie crumbles.

SarahTancredi · 19/07/2019 13:54

Whatever they are planning to do to get him.back from his gran's house they can do to pick him up from the activity.

Frankly she had no business signing up for stuff she cant get him to or from tbh. It's one thing to developed an arrangement where one takes and one picks up after you both discover they go to the same place. Its another to expect someone to take your kid every week with and guilt trip them the days they cant do.

You either take it with the restrictions through holiday and sickness or find an activity closer.

Yanbu op

AcrossthePond55 · 19/07/2019 13:57

Honestly, 20 minutes isn't that much more. But where I live drives of 4-6 hours aren't at all unusual for holidays and I guess our DC just grow up used to it. But if you really don't want to do it, I'd probably tell her that I'd take her child IF the grandmother agrees to pick him up directly from the awards ceremony, but not otherwise.

Or suggest to the mother that she and her child take the bus/taxi to gran's on the day before so the mother can also attend the ceremony. Then they can head home in an expensive taxi on Sunday, or a cheap one on Monday morning.

Original poster
ByeByeBike · 19/07/2019 13:58

Yes, 3 days notice isn't masses of time but I only started packing for our trip yesterday and thought of the logistics in getting to the campsite from club activity versus going back to home town to drop other DC off. As soon as I realised that it would save of loads of time to just head straight from club activity to campsite I let the mum know we couldn't give her DC a lift back home.

OP posts: