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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not give this child a lift?

804 replies

ByeByeBike · 19/07/2019 09:40

My DC do a sporting activity in the next town over on a Sunday morning. One of my ds' classmates wanted to go along too but his mum doesn't drive. So for the past 6 months we've been ferrying him to and from the sports club.

This Sunday is the last week of it before the summer break and they have their big club presentation/awards ceremony which all the kids really look forward to.

However, this week we're driving there and then heading straight off from there on our holiday. I explained to the DC's mum that we wouldn't be able to give a lift this week as we're not driving back to hometown after the awards.

Apparently her ds is heartbroken he can't come to the final day and will miss the awards ceremony. She is begging us to please give him a lift there and then either drop him back home (would be a 40 minute detour for us) or drop him at his grans house (would add 20 minutes onto our journey).

I know that if we go for his grans house then it's only a tiny delay towards our holiday but I just really had it set in my mind that we would just head straight from the activity to our holiday, we have quite a long car journey to get there and could do without our DC being cooped up in the car for any extra time.

OP posts:
FindaPenny · 19/07/2019 11:38

A pp poster said she doesn't get why mn gets so upset on the subject of lifts... I don't think people get upset about lifts, but rather that lifts often highlight where somebody is becoming entitled/oblivious to the fact that someone is actually doing them a big favour.

When you give someone a lift you are taking responsibility for them, especially when it's a child. In this situation there could have been times where the ops child was ill or didn't want to go to the activity.... She would still have to think about the other child. The first time the op has said she can't continue the favour, the other mum...instead of graciously saying no problem you have done more than enough, has made the op feel guilty and awkward. Everyone is saying do it for the child, but how about the mum takes some responsibility for the child. I say all this as a none driver.

Lweji · 19/07/2019 11:41

@SagAloojah
And I'm pointing out that it's not safe to carry stuff on seats anyway, regardless of who said it.

bluefruits · 19/07/2019 11:41

I'd do it this once, dropping him at his grans and make it 100% clear that it's the last time.

She has been UR guilt tripping you whatever her reasons for not making suitable transport arrangements or a having a back up plan for her dc.

Now she has plenty of time to arrange an alternative going into the new term.

TheCatThatDanced · 19/07/2019 11:42

Wow - what a brass neck of this mother! Is there no other attendee of this event who could drop him home this one time?

I think for me - this would be the end of my 'giving lifts' to the child - the DM will just have to source some other mug and you've been more than generous for the past 6 months.

stucknoue · 19/07/2019 11:42

Taxis aren't double on a Sunday, mini cabs can quote more but normal taxis have a set charge by time of day not day of the week. Surely the mum can sort something out, do the grandparents drive?

Pinktinker · 19/07/2019 11:44

I do feel sorry for the boy, it must be upsetting for him but his Mum is a massive CF. I wouldn’t dream of asking someone this. She should pay the double fare and take her son herself.

Pinktinker · 19/07/2019 11:45

Also I’ve lived in a few places before, never experienced double fare on a Sunday. Only on Christmas Day usually.

Eliza9919 · 19/07/2019 11:47

drop him at his grans house (would add 20 minutes onto our journey).

I know that if we go for his grans house then it's only a tiny delay towards our holiday but I just really had it set in my mind that we would just head straight from the activity to our holiday,

Drop him at his nan's. You are an adult. Get over it ffs.

Butchyrestingface · 19/07/2019 11:49

Drop him at his nan's. You are an adult. Get over it ffs.

Where should she seat him in the car?

KinderEgg23 · 19/07/2019 11:49

I've never heard of a double fare on a Sunday either, where on earth do you live? If it was me for the child's sake I would drop him to his Nan's as he is obviously looking forward to the awards ceremony. It's only 20 mins and if the Mum really wants to show her appreciation she could offer you the equivalent week day taxi fare to ensure her son doesn't miss the event.

QuickThinkOfAName · 19/07/2019 11:51

Is this continuing next term?

How has the mum been with you? Is she grateful or just expects the lifts? Does she offer anything in return?

I hate threads like this where the op has been a saint frankly ferrying a child to and fro for six months. she has a prior commitment that will impact on her own family and can't do the favour once. And people bundle on here with how mean spirited she is!

It's the attitude of the mum that would sway this for me. I detest emotional blackmail so I have to say it would be a no from me purely on that basis. She shouldn't be making this your issue. It's her child. Her child's award ceremony. You have a family who want to go on holiday. They're your priority.

My dd does an after school thing at a slightly awkward time with a friend. Her mum works and has another child at a different school and basically skids around most afternoons.

I do 99% of the picks up, feed and entertain them till the activity. But it's fine. Because she's a friend, she is always profusely grateful and whenever she gets a spare moment and her other dd is on a play date etc she ALWAYS offers to do the pick up. Plus she helps in other ways and is just generally lovely.

Is this mum like this? Or does she just see you as a cheaper alternative to a taxi.

bluefruits · 19/07/2019 11:52

You are an adult. Get over it ffs.

As is the child's mother Eliza.

...Who should take responsibility for her dc and stop expecting the op to be her child's chauffeur.

ThomasRichard · 19/07/2019 11:52

YANBU. The correct answer from the mum would have been, “Thanks for the heads-up. See you there with little Johnny!” followed up with her appearing on the with an enormous box of chocolates to thank you for your time and trouble.

HeadintheiClouds · 19/07/2019 11:53

So many people telling op to man up, so the child’s mum doesn’t have to...

SootySueandSweeptoo · 19/07/2019 11:53

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

skybluee · 19/07/2019 11:56

Where I live now this doesn't happen, but in a previous area there was literally no bus service on a Sunday, nothing at all, and the taxis were also double on Sundays and bank holidays. It does happen. I've also witnessed this in north Staffordshire in the peak district, where a taxi firm refused to come out, and I asked behind the bar (country pub) and the bar staff said that taxis didn't come out/serve this area. I don't know why so many posters don't realise things are different in different areas.

Does he stay overnight at his Nan's then get the bus the next day?

CharityDingle · 19/07/2019 11:56

If she has had freebie lifts for her child for six months, and given that it is an awards day, she should make the effort just this once to make her own arrangements to get there and back. She is making it your problem, OP. It isn't.

Enjoy your holidays.

bluefruits · 19/07/2019 11:58

I think the point people are trying to make sooty is that the mums attitude stinks.

She's not grateful in the slightest and although sad for her dc. She's being really rude and entitled. I'm sure your Mum would have been really grateful, as most would be.

Original poster
ByeByeBike · 19/07/2019 12:02

Just to answer some questions

It's not really a reciprocal arrangement, but then it has never needed to be. Her son wanted to do the activity, we head there every Sunday morning anyway and have space for him so it's no bother to take him along.

I think she did initially offer to pay towards petrol money but we refused it as we're heading there anyway and it adds pretty much nothing onto our petrol costs to take one extra DC. The petrol payment was never wanted or needed by us. It's not an issue.

You can never be certain of someone else's financial situation but I'm pretty sure that they could afford a taxi there and back.... But I can't say for sure...

Her DC is 10 years old.

Our trip to the campsite should take about 2 and a half hours (if traffic is clear) from the activity - adding an extra 20 minutes onto this will push the total drive more towards 3 hours. I think our younger DC might struggle with all this time in the car.

We cannot fit the mum in the car - we only have 5 seats so there has never been any space for her to come along. It's not like we can magic an extra seat for her this week.

We're perfectly happy to continue to drive her DC to activity next year, it's honestly no bother - it's only this one time we can't drop him home and don't want to detour to his grans and add time onto our journey. I know it's only 20 minutes but it's an extra 20 minutes onto an already long drive.

I've suggested to her that she asks on the activity Facebook group to see if anyone is heading in his grans direction after and could give him a lift.

OP posts:
Taichipandas · 19/07/2019 12:03

The older I get the more I think the world is divided in to givers and takers.

Bloody hell, if someone had very kindly ferried my DC to an activity for six months and they said they would find it difficult to do so on one occasion (notwithstanding an important one) I would say straightaway "thanks for letting me know, you have been really kind all term, please don't give it another thought" and find a solution that didn't involve them. I'd also be buying them a very large box of chocolates!

Tbh though I'm not sure I would feel comfortable about relying on others so much in the first place without some sort of reciprocal arrangement in place.

YANBU op and frankly I'm gobsmacked at anyone saying you are!

NoSauce · 19/07/2019 12:05

Does the gran drive OP? How would he get home from her house?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 19/07/2019 12:05

I know it's not OP's problem, & it would piss me off a little too, but in this ONE instance I'd be putting the boy's feelings first, because it's not his fault. But I'd also be interrogating the CF mum about why nether she not any other family member is arranging to attend this last, award day.

Same here.

LannieDuck · 19/07/2019 12:05

Surely the kid's parents should take some initiative to contact the trainer and ask if there are any other parents who might be able to deliver their child back? Or find another friend who's willing to collect. Or suck it up and pay for a taxi back.

northerngirl2012 · 19/07/2019 12:07

@PurpleCrazyHorse This is us too. We've a large 5 seater and when we go camping it looks as if we're fleeing Earth for ever! We've bags for the overnight stays, bags of food, let alone the camping equipment. I've also never seen anyone rock up at a campsite that doesn't have a full car!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 19/07/2019 12:09

I know it's only 20 minutes but it's an extra 20 minutes onto an already long drive.

I think that's fair enough OP. I would probably offer a lift to the gran's, but I can see why you would prefer not to in the circumstances.

I've suggested to her that she asks on the activity Facebook group to see if anyone is heading in his grans direction after and could give him a lift.

That's a good suggestion - hopefully she'll get a lift for him. But I would make sure that in future she has some sort of contingency for the occasions you can't take her DS, rather than guilting you.