Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shocked that a mother would clean for a 21 year old student?

362 replies

jennymanara · 19/07/2019 00:15

A colleague at work was moaning on Monday that they were tired as they had driven many miles to their son's shared house, and spent hours thoroughly cleaning it, so he would get his deposit back. I was shocked. Surely a 21 year old man should be doing his own cleaning?

OP posts:
GrabbyGertie · 19/07/2019 09:16

I've helped mine a few times with end of tenancy cleans. It makes it easier and more fun. Obviously they do all the hard work but I am happy to help with some of the cleaning. My kids all went to Unis where it was pointless and needlessly expensive to have cars so it was much cheaper and easier for me to visit and help them move. I don't see any issue with it really. Its a good opportunity to visit.

If i worked or if it was inconvienient or too expensive then i wouldnt do it and I wouldn't feel guilty about it. My kids are very hard working and responsible. I'm not babying them I'm just helping them. They wohld never expect me to help and are extremely grateful when I do. I dont get the problem.

thecatsthecats · 19/07/2019 09:18

I don't believe in the mindset of some MNetters that as soon as your kids hit their teenage years they should be doing everything themselves and once they're 18, that's it they're adults so don't need help.

I agree, but I also find the countless 'Why wouldn't you help your DC?' type posts both nauseating and simplistic.

Help doesn't always = doing things for them. My PILs infantilise both their sons, to the point my DH now resents it. He wishes they'd pushed him more as a teen to handle things by himself, as he's taken longer through his twenties to adapt to the 'get shit done' mentality necessary in an adult.

Witchend · 19/07/2019 09:22

When we moved into this house both my parents and my in laws offered to come and help. Far older than 21yo.
I didn't expect it, but they offered.

TheFairyCaravan · 19/07/2019 09:23

It’s funny how many men can’t find the hours to do domestic work, yet you’ve found the hours to do someone else’s!

For crying out loud! I'm not doing his "domestic work" I'm putting his kit in the wash because he's just been on a very hard 4 week long course/exercise so he can promote. He's got all sorts of outdoorsy stuff to get clean and sorted, plus he needs to eat and sleep. He, also, needs to travel back to the camp he works at on Sunday night, then he's going away again next weekend.

In our house we don't sit back while one person struggles with their workload, we pitch in and help each other out. It works really well.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 19/07/2019 09:23

This is an odd post, do our kids miraculously turn a certain age and we just say fuck it you're an adult now, get on with it yourself.

I'm sure at 21 your friends son is more than capable of doing a deep clean (to a 21 year olds standard) but maybe he asked if she could help, maybe she just offered because ya know, she's his mum and it's nice to help out. There is a big difference between helping someone out and smothering them, so as long as your mate knows her DS is an independent capable fella then all power to her. I find it more odd that this baffles you.

Rezie · 19/07/2019 09:24

I'm almost 30 and my mom came over to help me clean when I moved. She did the same for my brother. We are completely capable of doing it. We didn't ask for help, she offered and we took the offer. While I was on a chair cleaning the top cupboards, she would hand over a fresh rag. I could have done it myself, but it was quicker. I'm not sure there was anything wrong with this.

Adult calling mum to clean because they can't be asked and leaving to the pub while mum is doing the work, then that is not ok.

TatianaLarina · 19/07/2019 09:25

DD gained from understanding and meeting contractual obligations, from scoping and delivering a project and gaining the support of others. All good life skills.

Surely she’s grasped that by 21?

cannycat20 · 19/07/2019 09:25

As someone who has spent most of my life NOT having any help whatsoever from family and friends at the start or end of tenancies (with a couple of exceptions in latter years) I think this is a very kind thing to do.

Moving and dealing with snotty estate agents is stressful enough without having to make sure you've soaked the metal grills from the oven in soda so they're sparkling enough to get all your deposit back (this was in the days before deposits were held in schemes, and yes, I was charged around £45 from my deposit for it, which was a lot of money then. The rest of the flat was gleaming, but I hadn't cleaned the [old] metal shelves well enough apparently. There are certain little tricks that estate agents use to check if you've cleaned well enough - one of them is taking the metal shelves out of the oven, another is fingertipping along the top of doorways to make sure there is no dust there and a third one is taking the plug out of the sinks in the bathroom to make sure you haven't left any muck or spiders in there).

TatianaLarina · 19/07/2019 09:27

For crying out loud! I'm not doing his "domestic work" I'm putting his kit in the wash because he's just been on a very hard 4 week long course/exercise so he can promote. He's got all sorts of outdoorsy stuff to get clean and sorted, plus he needs to eat and sleep. He, also, needs to travel back to the camp he works at on Sunday night, then he's going away again next weekend.

Yes it must be very hard for him.

I pity his wife.

MarianneAgain · 19/07/2019 09:27

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.
His money is my money and we wanted the deposit back!

AND been on the other side of the problem - tenant, (a young man the same age as my student son) who was a total pain from beginning to end - the letting agency did the check out and refunded the deposit but when we went in to the flat there was no way we could leave it like that for the new tenants.

WhenOneFacePalmDoesntCutIt · 19/07/2019 09:27

I would still help my middle-age friends or sisters to move and clean!
Why should a child be any different because he's younger? That's what family is for, you help each other.

I wouldn't go every week to clean my son's house, there's a line to draw.

I would probably just pay for an end-of-tenancy cleaning to be done with it Grin

but I agree, I hate the MN mindset: as soon as your kids are 16 or 18, they are not your responsibility, you can't impose rules and you mustn't lift a finger or give them a penny to help them. Charming.

pictish · 19/07/2019 09:27

“This is an odd post, do our kids miraculously turn a certain age and we just say fuck it you're an adult now, get on with it yourself.”
According to much of mumsnet, yes. And that age is 18.

Myshoesarenew · 19/07/2019 09:27

Based on my experience of being the only girl in a student house share I’d say this is progress. In my day my housemates’ parents used to quiz me about the state of the house as though I was some kind of live in maid. They would wonder how I could bear to live in such squalor. I used to helpfully suggest that they teach their offspring how to clean up after themselves and then it might be a bit nicer for everyone Hmm

WhenOneFacePalmDoesntCutIt · 19/07/2019 09:30

TatianaLarina

I pity you if you can't understand family helping each other and obviously can't rely on anyone for help ever and are doing everything on your own.

I much prefer to be on the other side. I even did a few load of laundry for neighbour who needed help. It would be a very sad world if everybody was like you.

LimitIsUp · 19/07/2019 09:35

Mine are currently 15 and 17

I think in this situation I would go along and assist / supervise the clean up but on the proviso that my son or daughter worked alongside me and fully contributed. After the first 'moving out clean up operation' I would expect them to sort it for themselves on subsequent occasions. I might relent and pitch in on subsequent occasions if they happened to be in a house share with some dirty and disorganised flatmates, as I would feel some sympathy if they were landed with cleaning up after the other house sharers too

TatianaLarina · 19/07/2019 09:35

I pity you if you can't understand family helping each other and obviously can't rely on anyone for help ever and are doing everything on your own.

Oh yes the disingenuous line about ‘helping’.

I started my kids on musical instruments when they were 3 and practiced with them every day until they were old enough to practice on their own. How you ever given that kind of ‘help’?

‘Help’ is beside the point.

Itscoldouthere · 19/07/2019 09:35

People are often shocked when I say I don’t go into my DC bedrooms, they are 19 & 21, I don’t clean their rooms or their shared bathroom, I don’t change their sheets.
One keeps his room tidy (the older one) the others room is a mess, but I think that’s his choice.
If they ask for help, I will help them, there is always clean bedding in a cupboard for them to use, I do the youngest ones washing if he puts it in the laundry room, the older one does his own.
However their cleaning skills are not as good as the standard I would expect for an end of year/getting deposit back clean, if they asked for help, I’d definately do it, but I’d expect to do it with them there helping as well.

Ginger1982 · 19/07/2019 09:36

I would help my son but I would expect him to have kept the place relatively clean and tidy so that it wasn't so big a job.

overnightangel · 19/07/2019 09:36

@TatianaLarina you seem like a well balanced individual .....
A chip on both shoulders

LimitIsUp · 19/07/2019 09:37

Also agree with sentiments above - I will continue to help my children throughout their adult life as they need it, much as I am sure they will help me too when I need advice or support because ....well...we love each other

JacquesHammer · 19/07/2019 09:37

I started my kids on musical instruments when they were 3 and practiced with them every day until they were old enough to practice on their own. How you ever given that kind of ‘help’?

Oh that’s priceless Grin

VirginiaCreeper · 19/07/2019 09:38

Shock horror. Mother helps adult child instead of cutting all ties and support when they reach 18. MN has a strange attitude to those who have adult DC.
I find in general they come from posters whose own parents were not supportive or caring and they resent others who apparently have it easier. Though in my case I was fully independent at 12 in the home and financially from 16, largely due to neglect from my parents. I choose to do things differently for my children.

If you change the situation so that someone helped a friend, parent or sibling who was moving, would it still be so shocking?

DS2 has just moved out of his uni accommodation. He has a car (probably another MN crime) so I didn't need to go and pick him up. He cleaned it up and got his deposit back but I would happily have helped if I had been picking him up. Just as I helped my other DC when he moved into a new flat.

StillMedusa · 19/07/2019 09:38

shrugs I helped my DD2 clean when she moved out of her rented flat, and hired a van to bring her stuff back. She's very capable but was simply grateful for the help. I'm sure when she buys her own home we will help her move in, and DH will help put up shelves and decorate if needed... she's family and we like helping out. It has nothing to do with being 'capable' or 'independent'..she's both. It's about wanting to do a kind act for a family member!

WhenOneFacePalmDoesntCutIt · 19/07/2019 09:41

Oh yes the disingenuous line about ‘helping’.
what's disingenuous?!?

I started my kids on musical instruments when they were 3 and practiced with them every day until they were old enough to practice on their own. How you ever given that kind of ‘help’?
Oh my GrinGrinGrin

TheFairyCaravan · 19/07/2019 09:48

Yes it must be very hard for him.

I pity his wife.

Oh dear! Get a grip of yourself, ffs! 🙄