To be shocked that a mother would clean for a 21 year old student?

[jennymanara]

A colleague at work was moaning on Monday that they were tired as they had driven many miles to their son's shared house, and spent hours thoroughly cleaning it, so he would get his deposit back. I was shocked. Surely a 21 year old man should be doing his own cleaning?

I helped my daughter clean after end of tenancy when she was at Uni. I wanted my deposit back She did it the next time though. She was five hours away and they had no car so needed help moving too.

Yet another OP who asks the AIBU question & doesn't like the answer.

I have a very strong bond with my kids without cleaning for them!

I helped my daughters with their end of tenancy cleans. They pick me up from a night out/cook dinner/ look after my dogs when we are away. Isn’t that what families do? What a weird post.

I did it for both my daughters and would do it for my son as well. They have been studying hard, 2:1 and a First. Why wouldn't I help out? Plus they needed help to get their gear back. Also, the deposit is important (and huge!).

I didn't moan about it though.

I assume you are easily shocked, parent helps out child, hold the front page!

I also do this for my daughter, an end of tenancy clean is a different ballgame. I also the first time she moved handled the inspection as the agents were renowned for screwing the kids over and taking their deposit, so the agent had me to deal with. Last years they handled themselves.

I see no issue with helping out. I also helped move my daughter into new accommodation a couple of weeks ago and helped her clean then too. I don't see the issue, I'm more than happy to help out.

The reality is in a student house share there are some who are happy to write off the deposit and some that need it back. Students do not necessarily care for and clean the communal areas of the property as they would were it their own sole rental etc.

In the past parents were less engaged with the whole uni thing. Now as can be seen on MN they are more engaged with open days, choice of accommodation etc so it is a natural extension that they and their stuff is collected at the end of year and this includes ensuring the property is in a state to be handed back.

OP if you have a child that ever becomes a student you don't have to do this but some people chose to and neither way is incorrect.

Maybe it’s just one of those things that differs from person to person eh?
Help with the deep clean...don’t help with the deep clean. No judgement from me either way.

I am so glad my parents didn’t parent like some of you!

I’m so glad I won’t parent like some of you!

I have a very strong bond with my kids without cleaning for them!

Well good for you. The two things aren't mutually exclusive.

There's always one.

My DS left uni this year , it didn't even cross my mind to travel hours and tidy up a mess/clean up after 6 messy men. He never asked me and he wouldn't expect me to , no other parents went either. I support him in many other ways.

It's odd that no other parents went to help in the pp scenario. When ever I've went to help, there have been parents everywhere, no different to moving out of halls.

I went to uni at 23 after living away from home for a couple of years already. Didn’t stop my parents from insisting they helped move me in / out of places and cleaning. Myself and DP in our 30s. bought our first house a couple of years ago and they were chomping at the bit to drive the almost 200 miles to help us clean and move, his parents too (fortunately we’re persuaded them to come once we had done all that!). They love me and want to help, why is that wrong?!?

@jennymanara

Really depends on the outlook doesn’t it.
Mine/ DH’s parents both pushed focusing on academia over things like cleaning a house.
My mum would 100% have come and done this for me. I imagine MIL would have simply paid a company to do it for DH.

Now we’re both high earners (circa £100kpa) and in our mid/late twenties retrospectively. 🤔 Not cleaning our house has never held us back... quite the opposite, who wants to waste a day a week doing that when you could be focusing on more important things.

We pay a cleaning company to keep our house immaculate and honestly it’s really not a lot!

It’s 100% about how you value your time- cleaning is not essential for anyone as long as you can afford to pay someone else to do it (my cleaners is a thriving small business owned and operated by a single mum who is now doing VERY well off her hard work and business savy...I don’t feel bad in the slightest)

My children made their own decisions on what accommodation they had. I didn't interfere with that. However, the deposits were huge on all the rentals. I was taking them back anyway, so helped out with the clean. Neither of them owned a car or drive.

It really wasn't a total deep clean for either as most of the packing and surface cleaning had been done.

What's so wrong about that? I helped a friend move out of her rented accommodation with two small boys. I see no difference.

A friend of mine does this because she just loves cleaning - she hoovers and bleaches her garage ffs. It would never occur to me to do it as my daughter was always perfectly capable of looking after herself and her own children, aged 8 to 14, all have household chores to do.

Back in the day 21 year olds fought for their country. Some of this batch of 21 year olds can’t even clean their own house.

My son was 19 when he joined the army, so he could have "fought for his country" 5 years ago, but I'm still going to do his washing tonight because, as I explained before, there aren't enough hours in the weekend! And when we helped 21yo DS2 clean his student house he'd just secured a job as a staff nurse in A&E, and had already helped save many lives. Both are quite capable of doing their cleaning but an end of tenancy clean is not the same as flicking a duster round.

So did her cleaning mean that everyone got their deposit back & they otherwise wouldn't have done?

My son was 19 when he joined the army, so he could have "fought for his country" 5 years ago, but I'm still going to do his washing tonight because, as I explained before, there aren't enough hours in the weekend!

It’s true there are lot of young men who have mothers who do their cleaning and washing. Then they expect their gfs to do it. It’s funny how many men can’t find the hours to do domestic work, yet you’ve found the hours to do someone else’s!

This is a common problem for women on Relationship boards.

YABU. We did it for our daughter, twice, as she moved flats. Hell my mum did it for us when we sold our house, because she wanted to not because we asked. We helped of course as did our daughter when we moved her. My husband was cleaning as much, if not more than anyone else.

I would do that too. I wouldn’t expect my DS to swan off and have a lovely time. I’d give him a mop and a bucket and make him crack on with things. It’s nothing to do with mollycoddling. My dc are expected to do jobs and are learning to cook. Ds1 made our evening meal last night. DS2 has just made me a cup of tea. They are being brought up to be independent but when it comes to things like a big clean I know I would give them a hand.

I have just done exactly that.

I am a landlord and know how long end of tenancy cleans take and how much having it done professionally costs. I often let to young sharers who have recently left University so know how naive and unworldly some can be.

DD and flatmates did thorough cleans of the kitchen and bathroom a couple of weeks before, but it was difficult as one had late exams, and DD had teaching right up until the last day of term.

You can only really clean when a flat is empty, so DD issued an ultimatum: either move out a couple of days early or help with the clean. One mum, worried that DD might be on her own came down, helped out and stayed overnight and then drove her DDs stuff home. another moved out early but had done more than her share earlier, whilst the fourth was never going to do much. I spent a day helping, both with the clean, and with DD moving her stuff from one top floor flat to another. When we got to the second flat it was chaos. The outgoing residents had not realised how much there was to do, so there was stuff piled up, with flatmates packing, and a mum frantically mopping the kitchen floor. The landlord has acknowledged it is filthy so it will be difficult for him to make deductions when DD leaves.

DD got her deposit back in full. Virtually none of her friends did, so financially it was worth it. I enjoyed spending a couple of days with her, helping her, and see it as a good opportunity to build the relationship with a young adult, and we had a lovely congratulatory meal when the work was done. DD gained from understanding and meeting contractual obligations, from scoping and delivering a project and gaining the support of others. All good life skills. Certainly a better result that a 21 year old not understanding what was required and suffering heavy deductions. How does that 21 year old learn if they are not taught, either by peers or by parents?

I’ve helped my 3 young adult DC with moving and cleaning. I’ve come to move their stuff anyway, so a bit of cleaning makes a change from humping stuff around and long drives.

Before DS got a car, I had to come and get him and all his stuff when he was moving between different bases in the first few years of training in the RAF. Always hours away from each other and nowhere near where I live.

It’s called helping. Help feels good to give and receive. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It has been theorised that humans and some other animals have relatively long lifespans partly because they’re meant to be grandparents and otherwise help out their adult offspring.

Of course there is nothing wrong with helping people you love. But I am obviously alone in thinking a 21 year old man should be perfectly capable of doing an end of tenancy clean without having his mother travelling miles to spend hours cleaning.

Helping someone doesn't mean they are not capable. It's really not a difficult concept.